A/N: I noticed the last time I posted/updated something was in February, and that just won't do. Won't do at all! So here's a sappy, fluffy, angsty, sappy (yes, that needs to be there twice) "extra" scene that likely never happened but oh well let's have fun and pretend it did. This takes place toward the end of The Avengers.
Because You Stopped
The pressure weighing down his tongue was the first sensation to greet Loki. Then, the dryness in his throat. Next, he noticed the aches that covered seemingly his entire body, and the shackles around his wrists.
Swallowing, Loki blinked. Where am I?
There was a square opening before him, which led to a larger stone and metal room just outside. Looking around, he found himself standing in the center of a small room, which had only a solitary bed behind him. It didn't look comfortable.
Blinking again, the prince brought his hands to his face. The harsh metal depressing his tongue was a part of a larger piece, likely a muzzle. Why? Loki wondered. Had he done something again? He'd been muzzled before, but that was centuries ago. His mischief had gone too far, and his father had taken his words from him. It was his words, after all, that had caused so much trouble in the first place.
But what had he done this time? He couldn't remember.
Outside the small room- cell, probably -there was a man. He wore all black, and a helmet that obscured his face. He carried many weapons. The look was familiar.
Midgard, then. But why was he on Midgard?
Suddenly feeling a terrible strain on his body from standing too long, he stumbled and sat down on the hard bed behind him.
Why can't I remember? While he struggled to control his emotions, he felt that control ebbing away, even as he didn't understand why. His breathing increased and he nearly felt numb- his head began to swim and the air suddenly felt hot, dry, like he'd entered some vast desert.
Struggling to quickly lie down, he found himself falling to the hard mattress before he could catch himself, and he was unconscious before he registered someone walking toward his cell and entering.
.
"Brother... brother?"
Jerking awake, Loki gasped for air that for some reason would not enter through his mouth. He continued to inhale desperately, only to remember that he'd been muzzled, and that breath would only pass through his nose.
"Loki?"
The word crashed in on him, suddenly too close. Loki flinched and found himself backing up- but he didn't have far to go. He quickly hit the wall behind the bed, then flinched again.
"Be calm. It is only I."
Thor. Loki tried to blink his grogginess away, but with little success. Why were his eyes so tired? Why couldn't he see properly? Everything was a blur, although he easily recognized the sight of his brother, who stood before him. Thor's bulk and red cape obstructed most of his view, but Loki couldn't care less at the moment. Thor is here. Has he come to visit me in the dungeons...? No, no, no, that wasn't quite right. He was on Midgard, not Asgard. Why would he make such an obvious mistake?
"Loki."
It was too bright in here. He didn't like the lights. They reminded him too much of the dungeons of Asgard; too bright, too cold, too...
Why am I here?
He looked up at Thor and found his brother's face stern. Stern yet... concerned, perhaps? Yes. Of course he was concerned, because wasn't Loki injured? He felt a tightness in his chest and didn't think it only lack of air. His head swam, and he didn't think it only disorientation. And his back...
Loki purposefully whimpered, hoping it would draw out Thor's protective nature so he could be freed of the stifling muzzle. Then perhaps he could tell Thor how injured he was, because everything hurt. Why hadn't Thor returned him to Asgard already so he could see a healer? And perhaps the healer would also return his memory?
Why can't I remember?
The thunderer turned around and stood silently with his back to him. That wasn't good. Since when was Thor able to resist looking after his little brother? Loki knew he must look as bad as he felt; he could feel the bruises and cuts on his face, after all.
He made a muffled noise of question, hoping to get Thor to respond in some way. The next moment, he did, but they weren't the words Loki was hoping for.
"The muzzle will remain, Loki." He still didn't turn around. "You will not trick me into removing it. You have shown your true colors and I can no longer walk blindly and fall into these pits you create for me." There was a short silence as the air suddenly felt thick, heavy. Loki was utterly confused. Thor continued, almost quietly, "I missed you... when you fell. I truly did. But you never returned, did you?"
What? Loki didn't know what to think. What was Thor saying? When he fell...?
"I missed you," Thor said again, but even quieter, his voice so unlike how it's supposed to sound. Then he moved to leave, and Loki felt a spike of panic at that, although he didn't know why. He jumped up and reached out to Thor to stop him, making a desperate- and terribly confused -sound in his throat. He didn't touch Thor, but the thunderer at least turned around.
Unfortunately, he looked angry. Loki almost took a step back, but managed to control himself enough not to.
"Stop this," Thor said. "My sympathy is spent. I vowed to myself that I would stand by your side before father should you decide to cast off your allies, but instead you took that sentiment and spit it back at me."
Loki furrowed his brow. He wanted to shake his head, but he didn't- couldn't. He was so confused. What did Thor mean? What did any of this mean? He would never...
"So I am done. You can fend for yourself."
When Thor again turned to walk away, Loki couldn't help it, he sprang forward and grabbed at Thor's cape. Don't you dare leave me! Don't you dare leave without helping me first! Why am I here! What have I done? He tried to convey the words, but only strained, muffled noises escaped. The red between his fingers did not move; Thor did not move. But he also did not turn around. Please, please, why won't you look at me?
He didn't want to, because it was stupid without knowing why or even if he should feel this way, but Loki began to cry. He didn't understand why, but it felt like Thor was abandoning him. He tugged on the cape in his hands and bent down, rubbing his face against the crimson cloth. It agitated some of his wounds, but he didn't care.
When a sob escaped that Loki could not help, Thor turned around sharply, although he allowed enough give so that the cape would not be pulled from his fingers.
Feeling utterly miserable and suddenly not caring about who might see, Loki cried more openly, silently begging with his eyes for his brother to at least explain why he was leaving. Would he not even return him to Asgard? Surely if he had done so much wrong, Thor would take him before their father to face justice. He always had in the past; why was this time so different?
For a moment, Thor allowed Loki to hold the cloth against his face, before he slowly, but not unkindly, drew it away. His face was carefully blank, but there was an obvious strain there.
"Brother..." Thor murmured, although he appeared to rethink the word, as if he shouldn't have said it, as if the word was strange in his mouth. Loki didn't know why, but he wanted to cry even more at that.
He tried to say something again, even through his muzzle. He wanted to know, no matter how foolish it made him look. He didn't bother straightening himself as he looked up at Thor, tears falling freely over the metal on his face.
Thor looked... strange. Uncomfortable, perhaps, or agitated in some fashion. And when the thunder god suddenly rushed toward him, Loki couldn't help but flinch back, thinking Thor somehow meant to hurt him. But Thor held up both hands quickly, saying, "Peace, brother, I mean you no harm." He wasn't convinced, but he remained still anyway as Thor's hand moved forward, then slowly, almost gently, removed the muzzle.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
The wide-eyed, terrified look on his little brother's face made it impossible for Thor to remove the muzzle in any way except gently. Did Loki truly think he would harm him? In a fair fight certainly he might, but Loki was muzzled and helpless- and shackled, to boot.
But why had he gone back on what he had just said? Thor internally shook his head at himself. Still so easily manipulated by those eyes. He wondered if he would ever be able to ignore his own instincts when it came to his little brother. He didn't think so, and, somehow, he was grateful, even as potentially dangerous as it could be- especially with this brother.
The metal clanged to the floor.
Loki's teary eyes stared down at it for a moment, then lifted to look at Thor with the most distressed expression he had seen of late. Here it comes, thought Thor. Loki would either continue with this pretense and act innocent of any wrongdoing- or worse, blame Thor in some fashion -or he would laugh and use the opportunity of his temporarily freed tongue to cast barbs at Thor, to insult and jeer and mock and... whatever else his clever and vicious tongue could conjure.
But, to his utter surprise, Loki tipped forward and embraced Thor, the chain between his wrists forcing his hands to rest against Thor's chest instead of reaching around him.
"What have I done, Thor?" Loki asked, voice hoarse and desperate. "Whatever it is, I am sorry." He laid his head on Thor's shoulder, and Thor, still so surprised, didn't know how to react. This, he was not expecting. Was Loki so desperate to avoid punishment that he would degrade himself so? He didn't think it possible; Loki was vain and prideful- he would never demean himself in such a fashion. Of course, he'd also never done anything this serious before, but it seemed as if the Loki he'd known had been replaced with someone else.
Loki continued as he pulled back a little, "Brother... why do you not speak to me?"
Brother. Brother. It could still be lies- manipulation. But Thor was not a man of words, so he remained silent. Perhaps he was tired of trying to convince Loki, or scold Loki, or reason with Loki, so he refused him words, to see what would happen. It was a terribly Loki thing to do, but he was beyond care now.
More tears... was not what he was expecting. "Thor," said Loki in mounting distress as he continued to cling to the other, "why can I not remember? Thor, please, why does my memory not return to me? What has happened- why are we on Midgard?"
What was this, then? Was he truly claiming ignorance on what he'd done?
Loki looked about, then back at Thor. "This is a cell, is it not? What have I done? Did I... did I harm any of them- the mortals? I don't know why I would, they mean nothing to me." His words might have sounded harsh, except he was still crying and looked so miserably confused. He also refused to back away from Thor, clinging to him as if afraid he might leave any moment. Thor had a mind to do so, but he couldn't bring himself to push his little brother away, even knowing it was likely a ruse...
But was it? Loki was a superb liar, but he wasn't this good. Even the trickster had limits on his skills of manipulation, and most of those limitations were revealed when Loki's pride became an obstacle. He typically refused to do anything too degrading. Thor could understand overt displays of affection and sentimentality- Loki wasn't above using that tactic, but this? This blubbering and clinging to Thor as if his desperation was the only thing keeping Thor from leaving? No. No, even the so-called Liesmith wasn't that good.
Thor stared into his eyes, and Loki stared back, tears standing for a time, then falling.
Could it be? But how, and why?
It suddenly didn't matter.
"Brother?" Thor all but whispered.
Loki blinked twice, and at Thor's softer expression, a good deal of tension seemed to seep out of him. "Brother?" echoed Loki. "Please... please tell me why I'm here. I-I don't remember." He looked down at himself in confused misery before his eyes returned to Thor's. "I hurt everywhere and I don't understand why you aren't helping me. Have I done something so terrible that you would..." He inhaled shakily and leaned back into Thor.
Thor allowed him to, and finally, he couldn't help but hold him back. It felt... good, somehow. Natural. Like nothing had changed between them. "I have not left you, little brother."
"But you almost did. I know you were leaving. I don't know why but you were leaving me. Why?" His green eyes lifted to Thor's, his questioning look undeniably real. "Please tell me what I have done."
Thor nodded.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
His elder brother finally, finally looked ready to explain everything, but as Loki caught movement in the corridor outside, he peeked over Thor's shoulder, curious. There was a human man standing there, with dark hair and some sort of glass-like circles over his eyes.
"Oh," the man said, but before he could continue, Loki was filled with an inexplicable fear that gripped his entire being.
The man was so... small, and yet so very terrifying. How could he fear him so? He'd never even met the man- and he was a mortal, no less! But it didn't matter, because Loki couldn't help but try to hide behind Thor, to remain out of his sight as much as possible.
But Thor was already turning around- turning away, and Loki couldn't help but whimper at that.
Thor heard him and turned back to him. "Brother? Whatever is the matter?"
Loki shook his head desperately and pulled closer to Thor as he eyed the mortal. "W-Who is he?" Loki asked, trembling. He didn't know him, and yet, he did, somehow. The man was hiding a monster. He didn't know where, or how, or even why, but he was and it was terrifying to him.
The thunderer sighed. "You need not fear. Doctor Banner is only here to speak to me, I am certain." He placed a hand on the nape of Loki's neck and gave a small smile. "You need not fear."
Loki shook his head again as he all but tried to hide against him. "But he'll hurt me," he whispered.
Thor's frown was suddenly suspicious. "I thought you did not remember anything."
"I-I don't, but..." How could he explain? "I don't understand it, but... but I know he'll hurt me." Loki looked at Thor with wide eyes. "Did- was he the one who hurt me before?" He looked away, eyes darting in confusion. "I don't remember, but I know," he looked to the mortal, "that it was him."
The mortal in question stood awkwardly just outside the cell with both eyebrows slightly raised. He looked to Thor, then to Loki, then back at Thor. "Uh... I guess I can come back." Not waiting for a response, he walked off and out of view.
Loki sagged in Thor's arms, glad that his brother still believed him enough to aid in holding up his weight. Even these few moments of fear had seemed to drain him of what little energy he'd gained from his short rest, and he again found himself ready for sleep.
"So," said Thor, "you do not remember what has happened, but you remember enough to fear Doctor Banner?" He didn't exactly sound skeptical, but he also didn't sound convinced either. Thor directed them to sit on the bed, then allowed Loki to lean against him as Thor wrapped an arm around him.
"You... you do believe me, don't you, brother?" Loki asked quietly. After a moment of silence he continued, "I don't know who that mortal was, but he fills me with... I-I don't know. He... he hurt me, did he not?" Loki asked, although he was sure he already knew the answer.
Thor nodded. "Yes. But you- and forgive me, brother -did deserved it."
Quietly, Loki asked, "But why? What did I do that was so terrible?" What he really wanted to ask was: What did I do that was so terrible that you would not care to protect me? Because what sort of being- what sort of mortal could be so powerful as to make Loki fear him so? Surely he was something of great power and strength to injure him so terribly.
Thor's sigh was sad as he answered, "You killed many. You attacked a city, threatened many lives, you... tried to conquer Midgard."
No. That was... No. It was impossible! Loki shook his head as he slowly leaned away from Thor. "No...I... I would never..."
Thor frowned at him. "Loki, what is the last thing you remember?"
That was... actually a good question. Loki shut his eyes and shook his head. 'Never doubt that I love you.' He opened his eyes. "Your coronation- or..." That wasn't quite right. The hunt they went on a few weeks before, he somewhat remembered. And something with the Bifrost... Had they truly been fighting? That didn't seem likely; surely his memory was faulty.
"My coronation?" asked Thor. "But that was a year ago, Loki. Do you mean to say that you remember nothing between then and now?"
"I... I don't know. I remember some pieces, but not very much. I remember..." A man with a bow. He looked to Thor. "Who is Agent Barton?"
Thor blinked and leaned back. "You remember him?"
Loki shook his head. "No. Only his name, and... Did he carry a bow? I did not realize the mortals still practiced archery."
But surely what Thor has said about what I did is false. I would not... He wouldn't. He had no reason to harm the mortals. He had no reason to even be on Midgard, much less try to take it over! Why would he even want to? The Midgardians were still so primitive. An interesting people, yes, but they had no value to him.
"What else do you remember?" asked Thor quietly.
Loki closed his eyes and tried to think. Surely he could remember more? Flashes of memory flitted before his eyes, but they were illusive, flying out of control and whispering across the horizons of his mind- ethereal and sprite-like. Almost untouchable. Almost. He snagged one and held it tight until it became real.
"The Hulk."
"Hm?"
He opened his eyes to Thor's questioning look. "That man- the mortal, he... turns into something called the Hulk. Yes?"
Thor nodded, smiling slightly. "What else?"
Again, Loki closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again when he remembered something else. It was a more distant memory. "I convinced you to go to Jotunheim." He blinked at that. Why would he...?
Thor suddenly seemed uncomfortable. "That was not you, brother. I was a fool and I acted rashly. You need not take the blame for-"
"But it's true, Thor. You may have made the decision, but I-" He stopped himself when another memory jumped into the light.
No... No, no, no! Loki pulled away from Thor- however much it hurt -and backed away as much as possible on the bed. "No," he whispered as his wide eyes stared at Thor.
"What, brother. What is wrong? What do you remember?" Thor looked worried, but also curious.
Loki couldn't form thoughts, didn't even hear what Thor was saying.
No, it can't... No, I-
His arm had turned blue. It had turned blue and he knew why. He hadn't known it then, hadn't known why when the Jotun had grabbed him, but now he did- knew it to his core.
"No!" He fell off the bed as he continued to stare at Thor. I'm not his brother! He- we're not brothers! He couldn't collect himself, couldn't breathe, couldn't see past all the tears threatening to fall. Why didn't you tell me?!
When Thor moved to a knee to see what was wrong, Loki pushed him away. "We're not brothers!" Loki's voice broke as the tears fell anew. "Why? Why did it have to- I don't... I don't understand," he cried and once again pushed Thor away when he tried to approach.
"Loki, please," Thor pleaded, his eyes lachrymose. "I..." He seemed at a loss for words, lips moving as if unable to say what he wanted to convey. He swallowed once, heavily, before continuing. "I am sorry, brother. I am so sorry. I never thought it possible for you to forget..." He trailed off as he stared at Loki.
Loki shook his head and hugged himself tightly. Thor knew, then. But... but Loki had known too, apparently. Thor was confused that Loki had suddenly remembered that, so, obviously Loki should have already known.
Suddenly not wanting to be near Thor, Loki attempted to crawl away from him using the wall. "Stay away from me," he sobbed, but he didn't get far given the smallness of the cell, and his injuries.
"Brother..."
"Stay away from me! You're..." not my brother. But he couldn't say it. It didn't feel real.
"That is not true," Thor responded, as if he could read his mind.
"It is, and don't you dare try and deny it." Once Loki reached a corner of his cell, he hugged himself again and refused to look at Thor.
"I do not deny that we were born of different parents, but I do and always will deny that we are not brothers."
"I hate you," Loki suddenly burst out, although the words seemed to have a life all their own.
There was a short pause, then Thor asked, softly, "Why?"
Why. Why? Because... because he wasn't his brother anymore. Because he couldn't fix this as he always did, with his stupid hammer swinging and making everything messy but so much better. Because he still felt so much like Brother, but suddenly wasn't, like the universe had laughed and said: 'This isn't for you anymore, dearest trickster. Whyever would you think it ever was?'
Because...
Because he wouldn't love him anymore.
Loki turned, slowly, to Thor. His eyes and head hurt with too many tears, and his body felt suddenly numb with too many thoughts.
Thor stared at him for a long moment. Then, as if he'd suddenly seen something that had not been there before, he reached for Loki and pulled him toward him- whether Loki wanted it or not. But Loki did not protest.
"I will never stop loving you, Loki," murmured Thor against his head. "Do you hear me? It does not matter what you have done, it..." he hesitated a moment, "it does not matter." Thor sighed; a long, weary sigh that filled the air around them. "That love will not leave. I will never stop. Never."
Loki clung to Thor as he nodded desperately. He still didn't understand what was happening, or what had happened, or a great many other things, but he knew- knew that Thor would be by his side, no matter what might come. His help and comfort would always be near, even if Loki pulled away, even if... even if he fell again.
When some time had passed, Thor kissed his head and pulled away. He helped Loki to the bed, then promised to stay when Loki asked him- asked with only his eyes -to remain. He knew it would be a long journey, but they would traverse the depths together, whatever might happen. He feared his memories, but that forgotten void seemed so much smaller now with his brother there to brighten and lead the way.
Tomorrow, Loki thought. Tomorrow I will ask him more. Tomorrow, yes...
Then, with silent sighs, Loki fell asleep in Thor's arms.
A/N: Fluffies! Sorry, I just wanted to yell that in text format for the heck of it. Anyway, I always thought the oft-used idea of Loki being more or less innocent of his crimes to be a ridiculously self-indulgent fan theory... but, yeaaah, here we are. What can I say, those types of theories are great fluffangst material. That's my new word: "fluffangst". Or "flangst"? Never mind.
P.S. FFnet decided to remove its spellchecker feature, which I do not like at all, so if you guys see any glaring spelling errors, do please tell. My browser sort of does it, but not with the detail that FFnet used to. *sigh*