Jaid: Hi! This is my first Ranma ½ fic…so I don't know how good it is. I have taken several liberties with Kasumi's character; mainly because I can sympathize with her on many points. Also, I haven't seen a lot of Kasumi fics around, so I thought I'd do one. So, cut me some slack, please be gentle and tell me what you think.
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"Hello. I'm sorry that I have not been coming more. I want to; but things have been so confused lately.
I guess that's not much of an excuse is it? Things were confused right after Mother died too. I was thirteen. It was so difficult to try and answer Akane's questions, to try to reach out to Nabiki. And watching Father weep for the first time. That was the hardest thing. He had never cried in front of us before the day Mother's heart stopped beating.
After that it just got worse. Father slackened off in his teaching, eventually stopping. Nabiki withdrew farther and farther; I scarcely know her now. And Akane. I don't know what to do with her. I thought that it might not matter if she were so tomboyish, so tough. I thought it might protect her. I never thought that she would feel so insecure about herself.
I remember dropping out of school at fifteen. You were so disappointed. But I couldn't go on. Two years of trying to manage a household, care for a family, and do homework was just too much. You used to look at me worriedly; comment on the dark circles under my eyes. I used to smile and say I was just an insomatic and that it was nothing to worry about; I would rest when I could.
I wanted to be a nurse and help people. I was always the one to take care of my sick sisters; the neighborhood children would come to me to get their cuts and bruises tended. I used to carry around a tiny first aid kit. I loved Biology. I wasn't squeamish like the other girls. I was fascinated with how things worked and I wanted to comfort people in pain, especially children. I wanted to make a difference.
Mother was so proud. She used to beam at me when I brought home my report card. I was a good student; I almost always got A's. Mother was sure I'd get a scholarship. Father was proud too. He would smile at me and tell me how lucky he was to have me for a daughter.
But it was too much. My grades fell and I began to fall behind. I couldn't do both; you understand, right? Something had to give and I was not going to let our family fall apart. Besides, Daddy and my sisters needed me; they needed somebody. And I don't mind housework or cleaning. And Nabiki usually handles the finances.
Nabiki. We used to be so close. Sure, we had our arguments; even fights, but we always shared everything. She stood up for me and I did the same for her. We could talk for hours. Then, she drifted away. Or maybe I didn't try hard enough to stay close. Now we scarcely talk, and when we do, most of the time I'm reprimanding her.
Akane I was never very close too. Now I regret it. I feel like I failed sometimes. Akane's sweet; but she can't control her temper. I could've helped her somehow. I could've tried to teach her how to cook when she was younger, so that she doesn't do it in anger. I could've helped her with her sewing. Even now, I'm not sure how she views me. I'm not really her mother, but I don't quite have a sisterly relationship either.
And poor Daddy. Even before Mother died, I was his confidant. I don't know why. He used to tell me things; especially after Mother's death. Things he felt guilty about, what he worried most about…how much he missed Mother. He would cry, and I would smile and try to keep the tears from following. It didn't always work and I would cry anyway. Then he would berate himself for making me cry. "You're too young for this." he would say. "I'm such a lousy father."
I could never say it out loud; but I didn't want anybody else to be my father. Why didn't he see that? We all loved him. He wasn't perfect, but neither were we.
I was always the mediator. Between Mother and Daddy, Nabiki and Daddy, Akane and Nabiki. I was the go-between, the one who calmed both sides. Everybody confided in me, even Mother. And you were the only person I could go too. None of my friends understood. After I dropped out of school, they said I was a fool. They couldn't understand. Family is first for me. I like to make things easier on them. I like things to run smoothly.
Smile. That's what I do. I pretend to be ignorant of most things, but I'm not. I'm can be as sharp as Nabiki when I need to. But I don't want to. I want to believe everything will work out, that we will get along some time. I make oblivious comments because I don't know how else to deal with things. I admit, looking back, some things are so obviously ditzy, that I can't believe I said them.
Of course, the Saotomes arriving made things even more…shall we say exciting? I don't resent them. Mr. Saotome is good company for Father and keeps him from dwelling on the past too much. Ranma is a good boy; but I wish he would try harder with Akane.
He hurts her a lot, I know. I can see it in her eyes. She tries so hard. Ranma doesn't mean it, I know. But he doesn't stop to think. And the fact that he has the biggest ego in the world doesn't help.
Not that Akane doesn't have her share of the faults. This notion that she's not in love with Ranma is one of them. I've tried to talk to her, but she's just not ready. All I can do is wait and hope that they will come to some decision. I mean, they are only sixteen after all; they have time. I just hope they make good use of it.
And Ranma's various fiancées haven't helped. Ukyo is very nice and she and Akane have a slight friendship. Shampoo, I'm not so sure about. I've very willing to have the girl over, but her presence seems to complicate things. And I really couldn't keep her out if I tried.
I've met Cologne and Mousse. I'm not quite sure what to make of either. Cologne seems wise and careful. I would love to talk to her; she's so old and I'm sure that there is so much she could tell someone who'd listen. Mousse I've met once or twice. I feel a bit sorry for the boy. And then there's Ryoga. Poor boy; he's always so lost. I call him Ranma's friend because he is, in a strange sort of way. He seems so insecure.
I'm sorry, I've been rambling. I'm so tired; today was a long day. And tomorrow we visit Mother. I know I can't cry; I have to be strong for Father. I know he feels awful about keeping me home; he'd feel even worse if I were to break down. But sometimes, I don't know who to go. Sometimes, I feel so helpless. I can't really do anything for anybody; beyond providing a clean house, clean laundry and good meals. But I suppose that means something to them.
Daddy asked me once if I wanted to leave; to go to college or start my own family. I told him no; I was happy. And I am, most of the time. I'll admit there have been times where I regret not staying in school. Times where I wish I had a husband or at least a boyfriend. I don't really need one; but I do get terribly lonely. Even a friend would be nice. Just a friend.
I wonder sometimes, what would have happened if Mother had not died. If she had gotten better and come home. I'd be a Freshman in college right now. Nabiki might not be so miserly or maybe she would. I wonder if Akane would be just as insecure about herself.
I have to go. It's late and I have to be up early tomorrow. Thank you for listening and for letting me have a good cry. I feel much better.
Oh my, I suppose I have been rather morbid. I get that way sometimes. I suppose we all do. But I know things will be all right. Everything turns out all right in the end. If it's not all right, then it's not over yet. That sounded so naïve. But that's the way I am, I guess. I have to be; I think everyone needs me to be that way."
Kasumi smiled tiredly and wiped the remaining tears off her cheeks. The cool wind blew some loose strands of hair into her eyes and Kasumi brushed them away. She smiled at the gravestone; shining in the moonlight. Standing, she dusted off her skirt, then reached out to touch it. A look of pain crossed her face and tears welled up in her eyes again.
"Good-night." she whispered. "Good-night, Siri. I miss you." Turning she walked away, hands in her coat pockets. When Kasumi reached the gate to the cemetery, she turned to look once more at the grave. Though the tears, she almost thought she saw her best friend, with merry blue eyes and dark hair. The girl seemed to be smiling. Kasumi blinked and the figure was gone. Sighing, she stepped out onto the sidewalk.
Reaching home, the lights were still on. Soun sat in on the steps and looked up as his oldest daughter came in. She smiled at him. Soun smiled back. Kasumi entered the house and hung up her coat. Another tear slipped down her face. Clenching her fist, she walked into the kitchen to make the kids lunches.
She was just finishing them, when the door opened. Kasumi didn't look up; she knew who it was. Soun stood there a long time, unsure of what to say. Finally Kasumi turned and with her usual smile, commented, "Shouldn't you be in bed? It's rather late."
"I wanted to be sure you made it home okay." Soun said. He hugged his daughter. "You be sure and get to bed."
"Of course." Kasumi answered. "I'll be fine, Daddy. See you in the morning." Soun nodded and left. Kasumi turned back to her work.
"I won't cry." she whispered. "There's nothing to cry about." Nodding firmly, she turned off the kitchen lights and wearily made her way to her own room.