If Wishes were Stars
By Ice Crystal Angel

E / T fanfiction

Summary
What would you do if you could freeze time and live forever in one moment? Eriol Hiiragizawa contemplates this one lonely night as he watches the stars. E/T

Disclaimer: All characters within this story are not owned by me but by CLAMP so please don't sue. The ideas of this story are mine and have not been taken from anyone else.

The story takes place after the second movie. The gang is around 22 years old. Please review and tell me what you think. I was intending this to be a one shot fic but it was too long for that so I have separated it into two chapters

.::.

Chapter One: A solitary existence

.::.

Once again I am alone, contemplating my existence. Everything is changing just like the night sky. I stare at it from my wind, marveling at its splendor. Out there naked to the eye new life is being created and destroyed. Stars die but new ones are formed. It is uncharted territory. Nothing remains the same up there although we can see the effects until years later.

Things that I had taken for granted and never really appreciated are gone. I wish time could freeze and I could live forever in one moment. That one moment where I was not two souls torn apart by the past, by memories that are not really mine. That one moment where I was accepted for just being me, Eriol Hiiragizawa.

I received a letter today from Sakura. She writes to me from time to time, telling me about her life with Syaoran, graduation from college, living in Hong Kong and now recently the birth of her first child, Maya. She sent me a picture as well. Syaoran is there looking as stern as always. However, if you closely enough you'll see the tender look in his eyes and the faint smile that graces his lips. He has changed much over the years from the cold determine boy who blushed everytime he saw Sakura into a fine proud man who is lucky to have found such happiness amidst a world of chaos. He has arm draped around Sakura who is looking down at her little bundle of joy. She has grown more lovely than ever with the coming of motherhood and her eyes are sparkling like always. Her hair has grown out and now reaches down to her waist. She holds baby Maya so tenderly in her arms as if she were a delicate doll. Kero and Spinel are also in the picture and as usual hyperactive Kero is trying to outdo the more stoic Spinel. Next to Sakura is the gang, Meiling and her fiancé, Naoko, Rika, Mr. Terada and Chiharu and her husband Yamazaki. They are all laughing and looking so happy. Chiharu is as usual strangling Yamazaki no doubt because he tried to tell one of his famous stories. Behind the gang, standing almost hidden in the back is Touya and Yukito. Touya's face is one of suppressed fury as he glares at the back of Syaoran's head. He will always have a sister complex I think. Yukito is trying to restrain him or rather I should say Yukito and Yue are trying to. Since admitting their love to Touya Yue has finally accepted his new life and merged into one complete being like Clow had originally created him to be. Although he looks exasperated at Touya's behaviour the sparkle in his eye belies his humor of the situation. I smile fondly thinking of past memories and happy times. Suddenly I stiffen, there standing almost completely obscured by shadows in the corner of the picture is someone I had thought I would never see again. A raven-haired beauty was staring back at me; her sparkling amethyst eyes were looking directly at the camera as if she could see into my soul. She was giggling and appeared not to have a trouble in the world. My lips tightened unconsciously as I saw a young man with his arms wrapped tight around my angel.

Wait a minute!

She was no longer my angel. I had lost her a long time ago when I failed to see what had always been there right in front of my eyes. It's been three years since I have last seen Tomoyo face in person but the wound is as fresh as yesterday.

.::.

.:Flashback:.

"Ahh! There you are Eriol-kun. I was looking all over for you. Why aren't you joining in the celebrations? It was mainly due to your influence that Syaoran and Sakura into getting engaged. Sometimes I wondered if our meddling would ever bring those two together."

I turned to look at her. She was breathtakingly beautiful that night. Wearing a long lilac dress with a low scooping neck and thin straps. It was simple but made her look so elegant. Her hair cascaded down her back in long curls, twisted back here and there and tiny purple flowers peeped out in various places.

" I was looking at the stars" I replied gesturing to the vast night sky in an attempt to hide my growing blush."

"You don't mind if I join you do?" she asked walking towards the edge of the balcony to stand beside me.

I was acutely aware of the lithe form beside me. Every fibre of my being tingles at being so near to her. I was conscious of every breath she took, how the wind played with her hair and how the moon reflected in those mesmerizing eyes of here.

'She is a goddess' I thought ' and deserves only the best. A man like me could only ever bring her pain and suffering. She needs someone not weighed down by burdens, she deserves someone who can be by her side all the time and let her live in a world of happiness.

"Eriol-kun daijoubu?" she questioned gently. Her breath coming out in white puffs of smoke.

I hadn't realised how cold it was with the winter approaching and she wasn't even wearing a wrap to keep her warm.

"Tomoyo here" I said, taking off my jacket. "You'll freeze to death out here like that."

"Arigato" she replied dazzling me with one of her radiant smiles.

"The sky is endless isn't it" she commented after a few minutes of comfortable silence. It is a place of infinite possibilities. People make wishes on stars because they know that all they have to do is find their own star to make their dream come true. Ne, Eriol- kun have you found your star?"

"No" I relied turning to face her. "I don't believe in things like that. How about you?"

She blushed lightly and giggled

"Yes" she replied pointing up to the sky. " You see that one, the third star to the right of the moon, that's mine."

"And what dream was waiting for you on that star" I questioned curiously.

"I suppose what every girl dreams of. To meet a person she loves with all her heart."

I didn't reply to that but instead returned to gazing at the stars.

"Tomoyo-san" I murmured quietly after a moment's silence. "I returning to England soon. My trip is nearly over."

"Nani?" she burst and then blushed. More calmly she asked "Why so soon?"

"My mission to see Sakura transform the Clow cards into Sakura cards is long over and now all the scheming to get Syaoran to ask her to marry him has paid off. I must return to my previous life.

"Why? She cried.

"Because..." I paused. How could I explain what was going on inside me. What could I say to make her understand?

"Because I have to" I finished lamely.

"When do you leave then? " she asked with worry evident in her voice

"Tomorrow"

"But that's so soon"

I shrugged and began to walk away from her, not being able to resist her closeness any more.

"Matte!" she cried then looked down at her feet. " Ano.... Eriol-kun. There's something I must tell you."

"Nani?" I asked trying to sound nonchalant.

She paused for a few moments as she nervously gathered her words together.

"I love you Eriol-kun"

I stood there in shock. How I had longed to hear those words from her lips. To know she had feelings for me. My mouth opened but no words came out. How could she love me when she didn't know the real me. The Eriol who I pretended to be was merely a façade. A mask to hide who I really was. The problem was I didn't know who I really was myself.

"Eriol-kun?" Tomoyo tentatively asked.

"Gomen Tomoyo" feeling my heart break into pieces "but I can't return those feelings."

She stood there frozen for what seemed like an eternity and the tears welled in her eyes and began to fall softly down her face. I hated myself more than ever for doing this to her but I just couldn't tell her. How could I explain that I felt like there were souls within me and they were tearing me apart. It felt as there was a piece missing in my life and until I found it I could never love her with my full heart. Unable to stand it anymore I fled into the night with Tomoyo's crying ringing in my ears. I took the first flight out of Japan in the hopes of forgetting it all but that memory never really left me.

.::.

After returning to England I buried myself in my work and the months flew by. I made no attempt to make new friend as I tried to distance myself from everything and everyone. I rarely went out and took to spending many solitary night drinking. I didn't hear how Syaoran and Sakura's wedding went because I left no address in which they could reach me. I tried my hardest to forget the memories of the people I had behind in Tomoeda so I was surprised to hear a knock on my door one rainy night. I had had a few drinks that night as I tried to get the images of Tomoyo crying out of my head but to no avail so I was already quite drunk. When the knock came I had no idea who it could be because everyone avoided me, even the sales people. I cautiously opened the door and lo and behold there stood Ms Kaho Mizuki.

"How did you find me?" I asked shocked

"Eriol dear I always no where you are. Now are you going to let me in or not?"

Wordlessly I stepped to the side. I was too surprised to do anything else. She took off her wet coat and shoes and immediately made herself comfortable on the couch that I had just recently been sitting on. She looked at me expectantly and patted the seat beside her so I could do nothing but sigh and sit next to her. I poured myself a drink and as an after thought offered some to Ms Mizuki who accepted gladly.

"So how did you find me" I asked again taking a big gulp of my drink.

"Well I did know you before when I lived in England and I know which houses you own. It was simple enough to visit each one and find out where you were staying" She noticed that my glass was nearly empty and so took the liberty of filling it for me.

"So what have you been doing these last few months?" she inquired.

"Working" I replied shortly.

She leaned towards me, allowing a full look at her cleavage in the process. I gulped nervously and took another big swig of my drink.

"Eriol I've missed you" she whispered seductively, her hand trailing down my chest.

Once in an attempt to try to ease my loneliness I had allowed myself to be comforted by Kaho and had let her believe I was in love with her but I knew that deep down there was only the one girl for me.

"Why did you leave without a word" she mouthed against my lips

"Because I had to" I replied irritably. I could feel myself respond to her actions, although I tried to fight it my primitive instincts had taken over.

"Kiss me Eriol"

My sight was beginning to blur from all the alcohol and I knew I was drunk. Without thinking of the consequences I brutally captured Kaho's lips with my own in a searing kiss. The kiss was hot and passionate, a vent for all my anguish and pain, but a knew that something was lacking in that kiss although Kaho did not protest. She was now sitting on top of me, undressing me slowly.

"You know you want this Eriol" she whispered into my ear "You have always wanted this"

That was all I remembered before sinking into oblivion and the rest of the night passed by in a haze. When I awoke the next morning I found Kaho sleeping peacefully next to me and our clothes strewn all over the floor but with no recollection of what had happened the night before.

.::.

A few months later I married Kaho and she wrote the news to Sakura, explaining to me that she wanted to keep in touch with her former students. She received a return letter soon after congratulating us but unknown to Kaho I received another letter from Sakura asking what had happened between Tomoyo and myself. I didn't have the heart to reply so I didn't. Over the next year Kaho and I lived together. She wrote constantly to her students, particularly Sakura and that was how I found out about the marriage between Chiharu and Yamazaki and Rika and Mr. Terada. While theirs were happy marriages judging from what Sakura wrote I knew that my own was a sham. I didn't love Kaho and she knew that I didn't love her, so when she started seeing other men behind my back I didn't care. One day she simply came up to me and said "Eriol I'm leaving you. I have found a man who truly loves me and you will never do. Forgive me."

"It's alright Kaho" I replied wearily "I knew this would happen anyway." She left that same day and I never heard from her again.

Once more I was by myself living a solitary existence. Letter kept arriving from Sakura and after a while I began to reply. It was in one of these letter that I discovered that the wound in my heart had not even begun to heal

Dear Eriol,

How is England at this time of the year? I'm sure it is very pretty. Things have been pretty hectic around here lately. Since Syaoran became the new leader of the Li clan he hasn't had much time to himself and we've had to go to so many dinner parties. I hate dinner parties because I am expected to have perfect table manners and you know how clumsy I am. One time we went to an important business mans house and they had those old fashioned candelabras on the table. Halfway through I needed to go to the bathroom and as I stood up I accidentally lost my balance. I grabbed hold of the tablecloth to stop myself falling and consequently the candelabras fell over and set the table alight. I tried to put it out with my drink but instead of grabbing my water goblet I picked up one that was full of wine. The next thing I knew there was a big scorch mark on the ceiling. I was mortified with myself. Syaoran looked so stern as he apologized and steered me out of the house but as soon as we got in to the car he burst out laughing till tears ran down his cheeks. I can chuckle over it now but at the time I was so embarrassed.

How's work going? You're not overtaxing yourself too much I hope. Everyone is doing great Naoko has just published another book, this time its horror, and Chiharu is now pregnant. Kero and Spinel say Hi as well. Currently they are at each other's throats because Dad just brought a new video game and the three of them are tussling it out from dawn to dusk. We all miss you and wish you would visit.

Write to you soon

Sakura

Oh I almost forgot Tomoyo has just gotten married to a man name Kyo. He's a lawyer and so her mum is very pleased.

I dropped the letter as if burnt. 'Tomoyo is married' I thought 'How could this be?' I felt my heart twist and it breaking apart yet again. Unable to contain myself I slumped to the floor letting the tears drip from my eyes.

.::.