Raindrops and Revelations
Disclaimer:Don't own it, never will. That honor goes to Jerry Bruckheimer, Meredith Stiehm, and some other really rich, important people.
AN: This takes place in the second half of season five. There aren't really any spoilers except for "Stalker" of course. I wrote it in Lilly's perspective. I was kind of dissapointed by how the whole "hey" issue was dealt with (or not dealt with) in the fifth season, so I wrote this to provide some semblance of closure for myself. I hope it isn't too redundant. Anywho, on with the story…
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God what a day.
I want nothing more than to curl up and go to sleep. Hmmm, sleep I wonder what that's like. It feels like I haven't had a full night's sleep in months. The thought of going home to a cold bed and a sleeping pill that doesn't work worth crap just doesn't appeal right now. Staying at PPD for a few more hours and working on paperwork sounds only slightly more appealing. Whatever, I choose the lesser of the two evils and start flipping through the mountain of papers on my desk. I might as well prolong the inevitable.
"Jeez Lil, why don't you call it a night?"
I glanced around the office to find it completely empty save Scotty and myself. God it must be well past eleven.
"Just wanted to get a jump on this paperwork."
We both know I'm lying, making excuses not to go home.
His eyes darken and his mouth twitches a little, like he wants to say something important but decides against it. He's been looking at me like that a lot lately. I wish he wouldn't do that, look so concerned. I need to convince him that I'm okay, need to convince everyone. Then maybe I can fool myself too. I think he senses that I don't want to argue tonight. I don't want to defend my reasons for staying late when we both know why I'm here.
"You hungry?" he asks softly, his voice sounding a little raw.
"I'm starving."
It wasn't until then that I realized all I'd had to eat that day was a stale bagel and cream cheese.
"I think there's some leftover Thai food in the fridge."
This is good. I can talk about leftovers. It's a safe topic, nothing too heavy.
"Think I might warm some up. You want any?" he asks.
"Sure. Thanks Scotty."
I look down at my mountain of paperwork and start chipping away at it. Yeah, this should keep my busy for a few hours. A few minutes later Scotty returns with a cardboard carton of noodles and a couple of plastic forks. I stabbed my fork into the container with one hand while still flipping through papers with the other.
"I think it's starting to rain," Scotty observed.
I nodded lamely. "Hmm."
Is this what we had become? Two acquaintances who can only comfortably discuss the weather? We used to talk. I mean, we never bared our souls or anything, but we could always talk. But that was before… never mind. Lately every time Scotty looks at me when we have a conversation, he gets this look on his face and kind of trails off.
"Did the weather man say it was gonna rain?" I asked around a mouthful of noodles.
"Not sure. It's really starting to come down," he answered softly.
As he spoke, the gentle raindrops increased in rhythm and intensity. The night sky became even darker. There was a kind of electric quality in the air that could only mean that a storm was coming.
"Spring time in Philly," I said with a shiver.
"Gotta love it," Scotty laughed weakly.
A rumble of thunder rolled through the sky. I felt myself tense. Thunder never bothered me before… well, just before.
Keep it together Rush, it's only a storm.
I took in a shaky deep breath and glanced up to see Scotty looking at me with that expression on his face, a mix of concern and something else.
"Don't do that," I pleaded.
"Do what?"
"Don't look at me like that."
"Like what?" he asked softly.
Oh God. I do not want to have this conversation right now.
"Like… like I'm not ok."
The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, dropped into the space between us like pebbles. That damn expression deepened on his features and his eyes darkened.
"You ain't ok Lil," he said stepping towards me.
I shrank away from him.
"Now you're telling me how I feel Valens?"
Who the hell is he to look at me with those damned dark eyes and that damn mouth that twitches ever so slightly when he's upset?
"I'm fine. I'm more than fine. I'm great. I'm freaking fantastic!"
I know I'm sounding ridiculous but the words keep flowing out of my mouth in a stream.
"I'm…"
I was cut off by another clap of thunder, which sent a terrible chill down my spine. The anxiety tightened around my heart like a vice.
I felt a warm hand come down on my shoulder and looked up at Scotty's damn dark, concerned, soulful eyes. For just an instant, I had forgotten that he was there. I shivered lightly, though I wasn't sure if it was from his touch or his gaze. .. or from the blast of lightning that split the sky with fiery fingers contorting in every direction.
"Lil, it's ok. Hell, I'm not ok either," Scotty began slowly. "Every time I go into observation, I see…"
For a minute it looked like he was reconsidering, deciding against admitting what he was about to admit.
"I see you slumped over on that wall and… and all that blood, and that look in your eyes, like… like you're about to give up."
His shoulders are heaving a little like he's breathing kinda hard and I'm shocked as hell to see tears in his eyes.
"See, I know you ain't ok, 'cause I'm not ok," he finished quietly.
God, what can I say to that?
"Scotty…"
His name comes out sounding kind of broken, like a pencil that got snapped in half.
I'm stuck. That's all I got. I don't know what else to say.
"God Lil, I … I failed you. I'm so sorry."
Wait a second, this is news to me.
"What do you mean Scotty?"
I reached down to take his hand. It was warm and a little rough and I liked how my hand kind of disappeared in his.
"I mean, you said 'Hey'."
Oh.
"You said 'Hey,' and I couldn't save you," he choked out, sounding as if he was in physical pain.
I looked into his eyes and saw that he was as lost as I was.
"But you did save me Scotty."
He needed to hear this and I think I did too.
"He would have killed me if you hadn't of been there."
"But, he shot you, and he hurt you, and every damn day I see you walking around like a frigging ghost and I know it's because I didn't pull the trigger fast enough."
"Oh, Scotty," I breathed.
Crap. What can I say? Say something God damn it! Anything!
Another clap of thunder ripped through the air and suddenly I couldn't breathe. In a corner of my mind, I remember one stormy night when I was a kid. The thunder scared me and I ran into my mom's bedroom. She was passed out cold after yet another night of vodka and cigarettes on an empty stomach. I thought I would never feel more alone than I did in that moment. But now, Scotty's here.
"Hey."
My voice sounded strange to me, foreign, like I had been silent for weeks and only just now remembered how to speak.
"Lil?" he looked at me questioningly.
"Hey."
It sounded a little firmer now, though still wavering. He reached out with the hand I wasn't holding and touched my cheek. His hand slid down my jaw to rest on my neck just under my hairline. His eyes were searching mine looking for an answer, like he wasn't really sure what I wanted. Hell I wasn't sure what I wanted. I just knew that I needed him.
"Scotty," I sobbed before almost collapsing on his chest.
It was as if all the strength drained from my body in one instant and I was tired, so damn tired. I could feel him tense in surprise for just an instant. But then his arms closed around me and he rubbed my back in a gentle circular motion. I didn't realize until then I was shaking. He was whispering little bits of nonsense in my ear. I could feel his voice rumbling in his chest and his breath on my ear. I knew in that moment that I could always say "hey" and no matter what, he'd be there. Always.
Suddenly I found the words that he needed to hear. I leaned back from his embrace, had to look in his eyes to say this.
"Scotty," I began with a shaky breath, "You have always been there for me and I know that you always will be. That day… I said 'hey' and you saved me."
"But—."
"You saved me," I said firmer this time.
"As for the past few months, well you're right. I'm not ok. But I said 'hey' again… and here you are saving me again."
Something in his eyes softened. That spark of guilt that had been hiding there faded a bit.
"I will always be there for you Lil. No matter what. When you say 'hey' I'll be there."
He pulled me back into his arms and there was no need to say anymore. The raindrops on the windows slowed and the storm was breaking.
The End.
So, this is the first fic that I've been brave enough to post. I was pretty nervous about it so, some feedback would be greatly appreciated.