I Can Change
I Can Change!
Some people say that I'm a bad guy
They may be right, they may be right
But it's not as if I don't try
I just fuck up, try as I might
But I can change, I can change
I can learn to keep my promises I swear it
I'll open up my heart, and I will share it
Any minute now I will be born again
Yes, I can change, I can change
I know that I've been a dirty little bastard
I like to kill, I like to maim, yes I'm insane
But it's okay coz I can change
See it not my fault that I'm so evil
It's society, society
You see my parents were sometimes abusive
And it made, a prick of me
But I can change I can change
I can learn to keep my promises I know it
I'll open up my heart, and I will show it
Any minute now I will be born again
(Satan singing the next two lines )
What if you remain a sandy little butthole
Hey Satan
Don't be such a twit Mother Theresa won't have shit on me
Just watch, just watch me change
Here I go I'm changing
- I Can Change, Saddam Hussein from the South Park movie.
The Doctor stopped dead in his tracks, eyes wide, a wrong, twisted, unholy sight before him. His mind screamed at him to turn and run, that this was some sick joke, but his body was frozen, he was unable to move.
The Master turned around, spatula in one hand, pan in the other, with cocoa powder decorating his pink 'Kiss the Chef' apron. He blinked at the stunned Doctor, and tilted his head slightly to the side. "Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have cocoa powder on my face?" He raised the hand holding the pan up and rubbed his arm across his face.
The Doctor pointed at him, mouth gaping. "Y-you're… baking." He stuttered when he finally got his body functions working again from his shock.
The Master lowered his arm and nodded. "I thought I'd make cake." He beamed, and then turned back round to the counter, where he was mixing ingredients. "Hand me a pair of eggs would you Doctor?"
"Make a cake?" The Doctor repeated. Still not moving.
The Master rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll get the eggs myself." He opened the fridge door and pulled them out. "And yes I am; a Chocolate and Coconut Cake."
He was back at the counter, dumping one tablespoon ofvanilla essence into his mix. "…But, why?" The Doctor questioned, inching towards the evil Time Lord slowly, ready to jump back at any given moment.
"Well," The Master dragged the word out as he put in 110g of dark chocolate. "I was thinking about what you said yesterday. You know, how I could never change, what was it you said? 'Evil sandy little butt-hole with deep physiological problems' I think was how you worded it. Anyway, I've decided that I'd prove you wrong. So just watch Doctor as I change! You'll see; Mother Theresa won't have shit on me by the time I'm done!"
"So, you make a cake?" The Doctor questioned, frowning. "Not bad, but not exactly solving world peace or something is it?"
"Oh, this is just the beginning Doctor." The Master waved his comment off. "After this has been cooked and cooled down, we're off to stop the war in the Kannaut system, then we can go cure the people from the current plague on the planet Galu. After that I was thinking maybe we could feed the starving across the Universe." He turned on the oven, and left it to preheat for a few minutes.
"Are you feeling ok Master?" The Doctor asked cautiously. "Maybe you should go lay down."
The Master rolled his eyes and jumped up onto the counter to sit. "I'm not ill, I don't get ill. I'm perfectly fine. Never been better. I'm just merely going to show you wrong. I can do anything you say I can't do! It's foolproof!"
The Doctor cracked a grin and walked over to join him sitting on the counter. "Nothing is really foolproof for a sufficiently talented fool."
In answer the Master scowled and pushed the other Time Lord off and onto the floor with a thud.
-A few hours later-
"I guess it's a fact then," the Doctor sighed as he and the Master stepped into the TARDIS. "It's just been proven that you can't change."
"I can." The Master argued. "There were just a few minor setbacks."
The Doctor sent him a flat look. "Uh-huh, whatever you say."
"It's true!"
"Master, everything nice you've tried to do today, you've just ended up making it worse. First was the cake."
"That was a great cake!" The Master interrupted. "It was chocolaty, coconut-y, soft-"
"It burn a hole threw the floor." The Doctor cut it.
"Yeah, well … I stopped the war in the Kannaut system!"
"Because you tried to blow up every planet involved and scared them half to death."
"Yes, but it worked."
"You were almost executed, and you slept with the War Lord of Kol's wife."
"But I wasn't, and come on, she was begging for another man."
"Then you taught the children of Kol how to blackmail and manipulate people into doing their bidding."
"Got to learn the skills of life." The Master shrugged.
"A little boy with his first crush asked you how to get the girls attention, and you scarred him for life." The Doctor scolded.
The Master rolled his eyes. "Oh please, you're so over dramatic."
"You told him that girls are vicious, bedazzled terrorists of a creature who are fathered by Satan and mothered by the Antichrist."
"It's damn well true! Women are just trouble." The Master defended. "Look at Lucy, I show her the future, give her the world, make a new world for her to live in alongside me, and what does she do? Shoot's me!"
"It's just you women don't like. Besides, that doesn't count for what you went on to say to him!"
"Which bit?"
"The part where you tell him that the girl would like nothing more than to claw out his eyes, spit in his face. That women are a hateful instrument of torture and destruction. That the girl would happily dance over his carcass while 'getting off' with her latest 'boy toy'. You then went on to say that as he get's older, so do women, and they outgrow the physical torment and go on to master the art of psychologically screwing your mind over so badly that by the time they are finished, he will be just an empty shell, singing 'I Feel Pretty' wearing a straightjacket in a padded room at the Sunshine and Happy Home: We're All Your Dreams Come True. And you finished by telling him that his mother lied. That if fact 'those cute little freckles which make him so adorable' are in fact are a genetic defect that makes him a mutant freak."
"Tough love." The Master shrugged. "Anyway, we fed lots of staving people."
"You gave them tiny amounts of the worst food you could find while eating wonderfully tasty, expensive food right in front of them." The Doctor stated.
"They still got to eat didn't they?" The Master shrugged once again.
"One man died of starvation right in front of you!" The Doctor shouted, annoyed with all of the stupid reasons the Master was cooking up.
The Master paused, trying to think up a comeback. "He…he…he wasn't dead! He was faking because he wanted some sympathy!"
The Doctor sent him a disbelieving look. "You are kidding, aren't you? That man died of starvation while you where stood in front of him, munching away!"
"He was not dead, he were simply suffering from a mild case of being electroencephalographically challenged." Sniffed the Master distastefully.
The Doctor gave him 'the look'. "That is the worst peace of logic I have ever heard."
"Logic; it's over rated. Logic is just a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence."
"Nonsense." The Doctor scoffed.
The Master gave a bright smile and clapped his hands together. "In a world of nonsense, everything something is, it isn't. Everything it would be, it wouldn't be. And everything it wasn't, was… Or is that Alice in Wonderland?"
The Doctor glared at him. "You Master, will never change."
The Master looked over to the big haired Time Lord, and sniffed loudly, his eyes becoming glassy with tears. With a loud sob he fell to his knees, head faced upwards and hands clasped together as though in prayer."Rassilon, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me."
Smacking him around the head, the Doctor sighed and headed for the kitchen, he still had a two foot by three foot hole to fix, caused by the cake. "I've changed my mind." He shouted over his shoulder. "Continue being evil. You being nice is just terrifying."
Getting to his feet, the Master smirked. Turning on his heel, he ran off towards the other end of the TARDIS; he needed to finish his plan on taking over the Universe... And maybe catch up on the episodes he'd missed of Teletubbies.