Feminidiot
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Chisumi: God, sorry, but there is NO new story that has any interesting plot in it, and yes, including mines. So I'm just gonna try again.
I'm actually losing FF because I'm not THAT interested anymore like I used to be. I'm still interested but not that kind of OMG-THIS-AUTHOR-JUST-UPLOADED-I'M-SO-GONNA-GO-AND-READ-IT-NOW fan.
AH! I missed you keyboard!!
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"no... no... no... no... no."
If you're wondering, that's my conscience -If I DO in fact have one- screaming. Not me.
"NoNoNoNoNoNoNo, NO!! FUCK. NO!"
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Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
SLAM!
Glare.
"Tsunade."
Said woman looked up boredly from a stack of paperwork. "What?" she said through clenched teeth. She was stressed. She was tired. She was annoyed.
I pointed at a piece of paper. "I did not fail this test."
She squinted her eyes at me. "What?"
In response, I shoved it up her face. I didn't care if I get fired from another job, in fact, if I could, I would LOVE to quit.
"What're talking about?" she grabbed the paper to get a better look at it.
"I did not fail this fucking test." I seethed, eyes narrowing, breath sagging.
It took a moment for it to dawn on her. And then she laughed. She. Friggin'. Laughed. Didn't her assistant say she was having a hard day?
"Oh yes, I heard about your duel with Naruto." She smirked up at me, placing her HUGE, FAT, UGLY head on her STUBBY, SHORT fingers that wasn't quite that short. Yes, I was that mad.
I glared again. "What about it?"
"A deal is a deal."
What?
As if she read my mind, she spoke through amused auburn eyes. "I'm sorry Uchiha."
What?!
"But you agreed."
WHAT!?
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Step 2.
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I sat there, watching the time. Tapping at the wooden chair. Glancing around everybody who stared back.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick-
"GODDAMN IT, SHUT UP!!"
That was -again- not me. That was my conscience.
Tock.
Tick.
Tick.
Tock-
But enough is enough.
Tick-
That clock has got to go.
Tock-
And that man has got to show up.
Tick-
Or I'll lose it and go pretty boy on everyone's ass.
Tock.
Dammit, where is he!?
"HELLO!"
The door bust open and in came a faggot with long black hair, earrings, and purple makeup. Seriously, what the hell?
"Is anyone here named Uchiha Sasuke?"
I stood up. Everybody stared up too.
"Hn."
He or she, or whatever, smiled at me. "Ooh, perfect. A stoic, cute one. He'll be the perfect apprentice I've ever had."
Apprentice?
Seriously?
To that he/she?
Hell-
OH.MY.GOD.
Did he/she just wink at me?
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At first I looked at the man, then hesitated on following him or just sitting back down and wait for my REAL teacher. Or just getting the hell out of here.
A man stood up and patted me on the shoulder. "I'm sorry, man." and then left.
Yeah, great. Thanks.
Like THAT will do anything.
I appreciate your sympathy though. NOT.
"Well, what're you waiting for?" The he/she turned around and faced me, his/her weight on her left leg, and his/her finger fumbling with his/her hair girlishly. Is he for real?
I decided that it was the time to speak. "Are you, Orochimaru?" Please don't, please don't, please-
"Yes."
DAMN!
So it was a him.
I gave Orochimaru a pained/angry/stressed/MAJORLY PISSED OFF look, which he found rather cute.
Maybe it was a different Orochimaru. Maybe?
"And you must be the student Tsunade assigned. Uchiha Sasuke-kun, correct?" he gave me this weird excuse of a smile. Not that I could do any better, but I knew the difference between good and ugly.
Aw, damnit.
I had no choice but to follow the man. At first I hesitated, then I looked back, and then I began to walk. Slowly.
He let me go first through the door, as a sign of respect.
"Shall we begin?"
That sounded so wrong.
I glanced back to give him a glare.
But he smirked and seemed to be gazing up and down my body. Particularly on my butt-area.
And then I just realized, he was behind me.
I could feel my teeth clench, and my wrist tighten.
If he seriously slap my butt as a sign of student/teacher relationship, I will slap his face and kick him in the crotch -if he has one- as a sign of an I-LOATHE-you relationship.
Suddenly, a short gray-haired eyeglasses wearing man appeared beside him. "Let's go, Orochimaru-sama."
Great, the guy had an oompa-lumpa.
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Step 3.
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"No, no, no!!" Orochimaru screamed, going behind Sasuke and adjusting the bow on his grip. "Don't use the real arrow, those are for combat! Use the heart-shaped arrow!"
"I'd have to die first."
"Sasuke-kun, you're dead already."
I growled. "What color?" I asked through clenched teeth.
"Excuse me?"
"What color?!" I was getting impatient. So as soon as I faced him to complain, instead the he/she was here, staring at me with these bright, shojou-eyes.
"What?"
"Oh, that is so wonderful!! You choose Sasuke-kun."
My hand reached up to grab the color-less heart-shaped arrow, but there was a sudden squeal in the background. "What?" I said again, with the full aristocrat's glare this time.
"You're not supposed to pick the bad arrow." he said.
"But I'm picking."
"That was a test." he said. "And you failed."
I let out another frustrated growl to release all the negative kill-this-guy-right-now-thoughts in me and sighed. "Fine, what do I pick?"
"Don't mind me, whatever you like Sasuke-kun."
I made another gesture to pick the colorless arrow and there was yet another whistle coming from his oompa-lumpa.
"What is it this time?"
"Your not supposed to pick the bad arrow Sasuke-kun."
"But you said that I'm picking." I defended through silenced anger.
"Yes, but that was a also a test. And you failed." he smiled sympathetically at me. I don't want your pity, he/she. "From the top." he yelled out.
My hand gestured to pick the color-less arrow again, but luckily before it was too late, my other hand slapped my gestured hand and picked up this girly pink arrow that was covered with glitters, scented markers, and frills. Disgusting.
Orochimaru clapped happily and I couldn't help but smirk at myself for a job well done.
"This red arrow is disgusting." I scowled.
Orochimaru's smile faded away, and was replaced by a frown. "Sasuke-kun, it's magenta. The color is magenta."
I scoffed. "So?"
"Each different power is represented by the arrow's color. You have to know the right one."
Oy.
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Step 4
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Picking the right clothes? You have GOT to be kidding me. I was sentenced back to Earth to do my job, and I was going there with a simple shirt and jeans. But then Orochimaru here, had to get all into my ass today and say that I needed the right 'outfit'.
What does 'outfit' mean anyway?
"So, Sasuke-kun, what do you wanna wear?" he asked.
"Doesn't matter." I grunted.
"Yes it does," he says. "Everybody has to have a costume. Like the Easter bunny, you just don't see a big bunny hopping around the world to give people eggs. No, you see a guy dressed in a bunny suit giving people eggs."
"Hn."
"And the tooth fairy. She has to have a pair of wings, a light blue dress that blended through the night, a magic wand, and a tiara over her head."
I smiled, now knowing what Hyuuga Neji had to look like.
"Santa Clause, you don't see him running around people's house naked. You see him by his big read jumpsuit and a long white overgrown beard. So basically, you have to wear what people imagines you to look like. You being cupid, you have to wear-"
Let's see what does cupid look like?
I know he has to have a bow and arrow, which is pretty cool cause he's the only one that has a weapon, even though it being hearts. But what does he wear?
Or more like, what does people see him to wear?
My eyes widen immediately.
Hell NO.
"No, Orochimaru, NO. FUCK NO." I immediately said.
The guy snapped out of his dream world and stared back at me. "Huh?"
"Uchiha Sasuke does NOT wear a diaper." I hissed at him, my eyes narrowing dangerously. If it only wasn't for this damned job I would've killed him by now.
"Aw, but you'd look so cute." He defended with this sick girly face.
"NO." And no means no, sicko.
"But Sasuke-kun-"
"Tell Tsunade I said no then shove it up your ass."
So by the end, we agreed that I wear a black coat and tie with a pink vest that represented love. Oh well, tough men wore pink, right?
Yeah, but tough men do NOT wear two little wings that was forcedly stapled at their back.
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Step 5
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Learn, walk, talk and live love. That doesn't mean I had to be a playboy, does it? No, apparently Orochimaru detested them. From his exact words, he said they were "Unhappy, show-off jerks who were slutty and just lived to disturb people." Big words for a big sicko.
"So what do I have to do?" I asked through an ear piece that he had given me. Augh, he better had cleaned this.
"Just repeat after me." he instructed and I walked over to the crying girl.
"Miss, are you alright?!?!?!" Orochimaru said through the earpiece.
"Miss, are you all right?" I repeated in a monotone.
"WAAAH! Mmmy bboyffriiiennd just d-d-d-dummpeeddd mmmeeeeWAAAH!!"
"Fear not, miss. I know a solution!"
"Fear not, miss. I know a solution."
"Any guy who dumps you is stupid for dumping a beautiful girl like you."
"Any guy who ditches a sad freak like you is..." I hesitated. "Is a totally straight man who must've gone to college and finished."
"WAAAH!"
"Good job Sasuke-kun!" Orochimaru lied.
I shrugged and plucked the thing off and left it there, drowning under the rain. Pick-up lines were SO easy.
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Chisumi: that was just a preview of Sasuke's training, next chapter is the real thing. Review and tell me if you like it and if I should continue. I'll just erase the thing if you don't like it, no biggie.
Ja!