"What are you doing here, James?" Henry asked. He was out of breath from running through the hallways of the sanitarium and breathed a sigh as he found the room that James was in. He was sure that Mulgrave had been wrong when he'd said that James was at Hudson Valley Sanitarium. Why would he be here? They had rued the unscientific methods that they had boasted about at this facility so he couldn't imagine why James was here. Even when he got here, he didn't expect to find James willingly being electrocuted.
Henry had been looking forward to this day for weeks now. After decades of being alone and struggling to hide his secret from everyone that he knew, he had had made the ground breaking decision to tell James about his secret. After Nora had put him in the asylum after he had told her, he hadn't wanted to tell anyone. He was sure that no one would ever possibly convince him otherwise; it was just too great a risk. But James had changed that…James had changed everything. Henry had forgotten how great life could be, how perfect love could feel, how wonderful it was to have someone until James had come along. When they had met they had become instant friends. They enjoyed each other's company entirely and Henry could scarcely recall a cross word ever passing between them; they were a perfect match, professionally and personally. They had been friends for nearly a year when things had become more serious between them. They grew closer each day and even so he hadn't seen the signs of the growing attraction in himself or James. It had been a complete surprise to Henry when James had first kissed him nearly a year ago. They'd been in a quiet grove of trees in the park, lying out on the grass trying to keep cool in the summer heat as fireworks flashed above them in the sky from the nearby fair when James had leaned over and kissed him. Henry was responding back before he had time to think about how major what they were doing was. Henry didn't know how James had had the courage to make that move but Henry was glad that he had; finally, his feelings for James finally made sense.
James was different than anyone Henry had ever met and he felt safe sharing his secret with him. It didn't mean that he wasn't nervous about it; he'd spent the past few weeks planning exactly how to say it best so he didn't alarm James more than necessarily. But he knew that James would accept it; he was certain of it. Henry and James couldn't ever get married; they couldn't even show affection for each other like they wanted to in public. But that didn't stop Henry from loving him and it didn't stop him from telling James his secret and letting him know that he wanted to move in with him. He wanted James to see him, all of him, and share his life with him. He'd never been more certain of anything in his long life.
James just chuckled at Henry's concern. "I'm just trying to feel better, live longer. You've read the literature." He said nonchalantly, giving Henry his 'you're being ridiculous' look.
"Are you toying with me? We laughed about people who did this." Henry laughed but it was nervous. James was joking but it seemed forced and he could tell something was wrong. These outlandish methods weren't for doctors who knew and understood how the human body worked. They were for poor souls who were sick and desperate.
"Well, maybe we've been closed-minded, then." James said. It was then that Henry really began to worry. It was like James to try out things just for the sake of trying them; he got a kick out of trying new things even if they were disgusting or painful. But now he was actually acting as though he believed that electrotherapy had some basis in medicine and it scared Henry more than actually seeing James let himself be electrocuted.
"There's no logical reason for you to be here. This isn't science. This is magic." Henry said firmly. There was no logical reason for James to be here because if he was then it meant something was very wrong. Henry wanted his out of control mind to be wrong but he was already growing sick with the possibilities swirling through his head.
"Stop" James said, trying to get Henry from getting carried away but it was too late. Henry already was panicking inside and trying not to panic on the outside.
"Now you're being a fool. I'm taking you out of here." Henry said. He wasn't going to think about hospitals and crackpot medicine. He and James were going to get out of here and have a perfect, romantic night together and all would be well. It had to be.
"Calm down, Henry. You…." James started but was cut off by a coughing fit. When James pulled back his handkerchief from his mouth and Henry saw it was covered in blood, a part of him died inside.
Tuberculosis…Henry wanted to tell himself that that wasn't what it was but he knew it was. Emotion swelled inside his chest, making it hard to breathe as the revelation hit him fully.
"Yes. Your gift for instant diagnosis is correct." James said, confirming Henry's worst fears.
This couldn't be happening; Henry couldn't accept it. This was supposed to be one of the best days of his life. He was going to tell James his secret and tell him how much he completely and totally loved him. They were supposed to be starting a future together tonight, not seeing the end.
"James... we're gonna fix this. We're both men of science. The Europeans have been reporting all sorts of novel treatments." Henry tried to reassure James. Maybe if he could get James to believe there was hope, then he could believe it too.
"There is no cure for tuberculosis. We don't even know what causes it. Yes, we are men of science, Henry... Until it fails us." James said. His face fell, looking pale and incredibly tired. There was not a trace of hope in his eyes and Henry felt his own hope go out of him like a light. James had tuberculosis; James was going to die. No one or nothing could stop it.
Henry felt like the walls of the room were closing in around him as a wave of grief came over him. James left the room and though Henry made a weak attempt to stop him, he didn't stop. Henry had been aware that when he decided he wanted to spend his life with James, it wouldn't be forever. Nothing ever could be for him but loving James hadn't been an option; he'd been hopelessly in love with him before he had even been aware of what was happening. But having only spent two years with him, two of the most amazing years he'd ever lived and to have it all taken away…Henry had never felt anyone's mortality more keenly.
….
James was long gone by the time that Henry managed to snap out of his thoughts and follow him out of the hospital. He walked the short amount of blocks to James' flat, his heart hammering and his stomach sick. He'd always made this walk with the most happiness, knowing he'd see James; now it was all he could not to dissolve into tears. The streets were packed with people going about their business under the cloudless blue sky; it didn't look like the kind of day where his world should be ending.
Henry walked through the small, crowded hallways of the apartment building until he reached James'. Feeling worry and fear, knowing James wasn't going to want to talk to him, Henry raised his hand to knock on the door.
Henry got no response after several knocks so he continued to pound harder with each knock. He knew James was in there and he simply wasn't answering; James had never shut him out before and he wasn't going to let him start now.
"Open the door, James. I know you're in there" Henry called through the door as he continued to pound. By this time, several people were looking out their doors and staring at him but he couldn't care less.
"Come on James, you know we have to talk about this. Please open the door" Henry pleaded with him. The people around him seemed to have different reactions to his begging voice and his pounding on the door like a maniac. Some people looked at him like a threat and others snickered uncertainty.
James gave no response, not even to yell at him through the door. "I'm not going to go away so you might as well let me in. I'll pound on your door all night if that's what it takes! Let me in!" Henry beseeched him.
Henry rested his sore knuckles for a minuet as a new approach occurred to him. "James Matthew Carter, if you don't open this door this instant I will keep talking and talking and embarrass you in front of all of your neighbors who are all out here listening. Don't tempt me, you know I can talk for hours" Henry said in his sternest voice. He wanted nothing more in that moment than to hold James, to feel his skin and heartbeat and lose himself in the life he had left but he was also angry. How could James have not told him he was so sick? He shuddered to think if he hadn't found out today; how would James have reacted to hearing Henry was immortal when his own days were numbered?
Still, James didn't respond. Henry sighed as he resorted to the one thing he knew James would certainly open for. "Alright, you leave me no choice but to air out all your secrets loudly" Henry said in a booming voice to the dozen people staring oddly at him.
"I'll tell them everything, James; it's such a burden to keep inside anyway" Henry was going on. His voice was confident but secretly his hands were shaking as he feared James wouldn't open the door and he was about to out them just to make a point. "No one knows who you truly are, James, but I do and I want everyone to know with all of my heart I-"
Henry felt a burst of adrenaline relief as James flung his door and grabbed him by the wrist. "Get in here" he nearly spat, yanking Henry into the flat. Henry had never seen James' face so full of anger; Henry knew it was covering up his sorrow but it still hurt Henry to see such a dark look reflected back at him.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" James asked, almost shaking with anger. "I don't open the door so you plan on telling all of my neighbors I'm gay?" James whispered the last word, afraid that even in the privacy of his own home someone would hear him. While Henry's love for James was a new type of relationship for Henry, James had been gay his whole life and therefore had endured a lifetime of shame and guilt. It was 1903 and it wasn't okay to have what they had no matter how much it pained them. James was always more nervous that someone would find out about them than Henry was and Henry hated he'd had to resort to using that against him to open the door.
"No" Henry said, trying to keep the tearfulness out of his voice and failing miserably. "I was going to say how sweet you are, how kind…how tender and gentle you are and that I love you with all of my heart because it's true and it shouldn't be a secret."
Henry longed for a softening in James' expression but he was let down. "Christ, Henry…..do you have to be so dramatic?" James asked exasperatedly, running a hand through his hair.
Henry tried not to let it hurt; James was upset as he was and he was lashing out. Henry tried to ignore the fact that James had always liked that he was dramatic because he was so passionate because of it. He tried to ignore the fact that it was the first time he'd told James he loved him and he hadn't said it back.
"Well, what have you got to say? I let you in, so what's so important?" James asked tiredly. He was pacing around, nervous; he wouldn't let his eyes meet Henry's and he was sure it was because of what Henry would see there.
"We have to talk about this…..we can't just ignore it" Henry said tentatively.
"I have tuberculosis; now you know" James said, throwing up his hands. "There's nothing to do about it so what's the point of talking about it?"
He said it so off hand, so causal; as if it were some minor thing and Henry was overreacting to it. The taboo word hit Henry like a knife in the chest.
"Were you ever going to tell me?" Henry asked, not trying to hide the hurt in his voice. How long had James been silently suffering? Why had he hid it from Henry? Henry could have helped, supported him at least…why was he pushing away?
"Of course I was going to tell you. Don't be ridiculous" James said.
"When, then? How long have to been sick?" Henry asked.
"A while" was James simple response, the anger leaving his tone and being replaced by sorrow. It was full of meaning and Henry knew without asking anymore that he had been suffering for quite some time; no wonder he was clinging to the radical treatments at the sanitarium.
"Why did you hide it from me?" Henry asked. He wanted to reach out and touch James, pull him into his arms but he sensed that it wasn't the right moment and he knew he couldn't bear to be pushed away.
Finally, finally, James looked at him. "Because I knew once I did you'd look at me exactly like you are now!" James burst out. His eyes were full of grief and his face pale and sad. Henry knew now why he hadn't wanted to look at him. Now, instead of thinking James was angry all he could see was how he was seconds away from breaking into a million pieces.
"Like what?" Henry asked desperately. He wanted to know what he was doing wrong so he could fix it. He didn't want to do anything to add to James' sorrow.
"Like I'm sick! Like I'm dying! Like just looking at me makes you want to cry" James said desperately. "I knew once you knew, nothing would ever be the same. I knew I wouldn't have you anymore….not really. Every time you'd look at me you'd be sad and I would know I put that look on your face. I wanted things to stay normal for as long as possible. I wanted you to be happy…..I wanted to be happy. I didn't want to lose you until I had to"
Henry didn't know that his heart could break anymore that it already was without killing him but at James' words, he felt what was strong inside him crumbling. No matter how much he wanted it to not be true, there was truth in James' words. Now that he knew he was dying, things were going to be different. It was never going to not hurt; it was always going to be in the back of his mind.
But James was very wrong about one thing; he wasn't going to lose Henry. Though things were going to change, Henry would never leave him; he'd be there until James' last moment and nothing could change that.
James looked so sad, so lost…Henry couldn't resist the temptation to reach out to him. He wanted to hold him, to make something good of this horrible moment and show James that he wasn't alone. Henry put his hands on either side of James' face and pulled him to himself. James leaned into the touch and as their foreheads touched, Henry head a small sigh from James. Henry closed his eyes, trying to block out the bad and soak in simply the goodness of James' touch.
"You are never going to lose me" Henry said, his voice stronger than he felt, pouring all of his sincerity into so James would believe it. "I'm not going anywhere. No matter what happens you can always trust I'm going to be right here with you."
Henry felt James hands go around his wrists, as if holding on. "I know, but….." James started but Henry wouldn't let him finish. There was no but about it; Henry wasn't going anywhere.
"No buts" Henry said firmly. "I love you, James. I'm not going anywhere."
Henry opened his eyes when James was silent even though he knew it'd hurt. James' eyes were still closed, squeezed shut as if trying to hold in his emotions. He bit his lip and it broke Henry's heart to see it was trembling.
"I love you too, Henry" James whispered, his voice rough but quiet. A second later, he closed the space between them and pressed his lips against Henry's.
James' hands were suddenly on his hips, pulling him roughly against him as his lips pressed against his own with biting speed. Henry's body screamed at him to respond but for some reason Henry couldn't comprehend he felt himself hold back. He kissed James back but his movements didn't match James' and his hands suddenly didn't know where to go.
James' mouth pulled back from Henry's with a groan of frustration, his fingers digging almost painfully into Henry's hips. "I'm not going to break, Henry" James growled in frustration, pressing his forehead against Henry's, "Kiss me like you mean it. Please….."
Maybe that's what Henry was afraid of; with James' days numbered, it was easy to see him fragile and breakable. But logically, Henry knew he wasn't going to break and James' frustration snapped him out of it. There was more that they needed to say, more they should say but Henry couldn't resist the temptation to get lost in James and put it off just a little longer.
Henry's mouth crashed against James', no longer holding back. He was a passionate man and so was James; combined they were a force to be reckoned with. James' hands ran along Henry's back, grabbing and scratching him through the layers of his shirt and waistcoat. Henry's hands were knotted in James' hair, smooth curls running through his fingers. His hair was wet with cold sweat and Henry was glad he could convince himself for the moment that it was passion induced and not illness related. James' teeth bit his lips and tongue, hard enough to hurt but Henry relished the pain; it made his heart speed up and made him feel alive.
James' mouth moved to Henry's neck and all coherent thought seemed to disappear. He knew his grief and loss was still there because of how desperately he held onto James but for the moment he couldn't feel it. All he could feel was lips pulling on his neck, hands guiding him back and his head hitting the wall as James pushed him back against it. Henry's hands were shaking but strong as he pulled back James' shirt and vest, not bothering to undo the buttons; it wasn't the first time Henry would have to repair buttons on James' clothes.
With James' chest freed, Henry put his lips to his skin, alarmed by the contrast of cold and hot skin he felt under his lips. Throwing the thought out of his mind as much as he could, Henry gasped against James' chest, kissing a path from his neck to his heart, beating fast and flurried as he bit into Henry's neck so hard he whimpered. Henry's head fell against James' chest. Henry had one second to contemplate the rattle of James' breathing he heard from the ear against his chest before James grabbed him through his trousers and he lost all thoughts but how that felt.
By now Henry's body and mind were so onboard, so committed to this happening that when James pulled away unexpectedly, Henry felt cold and disappointed but it only lasted a second. All thoughts of desire and need were dashed from Henry's mind as he watched James dissolve into a coughing fit like the one he'd had at the hospital. He pulled away from Henry, covering his mouth hastily with a handkerchief he pulled out of his pocket. His face was pale and contorted as he coughed and Henry wished desperately that there was something that he could do. When James pulled the handkerchief away as his coughs subsided and Henry saw bright red blood dot the handkerchief that was already stained with dried blood, he felt sick to his stomach.
As painful as it was to watch, the worst part was what happened next. The second that James' coughing stopped, he took a long, shuddering breath that wracked his chest before he began to cry. James fell back against the couch, devoid of energy as he gave into racking sobs.
Henry knew he had to respond but for a moment he was frozen. Seeing James cry made Henry afraid; he knew it was irrational to feel that way but he did. Henry had never seen James cry in the entire time he'd known him. He was always happy and carefree; he was hardly ever down or angry. He was the strong one in the relationship, always reassuring Henry when he got too emotional or worried. Though Henry knew James had more than enough reason to give into tears, it didn't stop him from feeling dread at seeing James fall apart in front of him.
Henry forced himself into action, though his throat felt tight and his own vision blurred. Like he had told James, he was always going to be there for him, no matter how much it hurt.
Henry sat down on the couch next to James; the second that he wrapped his arm around James' back, James leaned his head against Henry's shoulder.
"I'm sorry" James said miserably through his crying.
Henry thought that was one of the saddest things about it; James was dying of a terminal illness and he still felt guilty for showing Henry his tears.
"Stop" Henry gently chided him. "You don't have anything to be sorry for."
Seemingly reassured or simply unable to hold back any longer, James gave into his sobs again. Henry held him close, shaking along with James' body.
James smelled like blood and tears and it was somehow what really pushed Henry over the edge. James was dying…..maybe they could put off thinking about it or acknowledging it but sometime soon, James would die and Henry would be alone. Thinking about the future that Henry had planned for them, all of the love and memories he wanted to share with James and how it had been stolen from him made Henry want to die and not come back.
With James crying against his shoulder, Henry couldn't resist the temptation to give in himself. Letting go of his tears lessened the aching in his throat and eyes but it didn't bring any relief to the gasping pain in his chest.
"Why couldn't it be me? I wish it was me" Henry said before he could stop. He pressed his forehead to James', his fingers in his hair as he tried to soak up as much of him as he possibly could. Why couldn't Henry be the one with tuberculosis? He'd be one death away from being healthy again and he was planning on telling James his secret anyway so it wouldn't matter.
"I don't" James said, holding onto Henry's waistcoat for dear life, his lips touching Henry's as he talked. "I couldn't bear to watch you die"
I wouldn't die….And I wanted to tell you so much….Henry had so wanted to tell James his secret but there was no way he could now. It was not only irreverent now but it would only hurt James more.
"I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you" James said, sorrow tinting his tone as he clung to Henry.
Henry's heart broke; so many years and days and experiences he should have had were being ripped away from him and he wanted to give up. But he couldn't and wouldn't ….not as long as James was still here.
"I want to spend our lives together too. And we will" Henry said, pressing his lips against James'. His words didn't mean what he had wanted them so desperately to but they would have to mean enough.