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Author's Note: This is officially my fiftieth story on this site, which I'm super excited about. And I'm glad I get to write that milestone story about a character I care so much about. Now to the point. The season finale was extremely emotionally traumatic. Especially watching Clarke walk away at the end. As much as it makes sense for her character, it still hurts. Hopefully we'll get to see her heal a bit in the next season. But until then, let the fanfiction writing commence. This is something I typed out last night immediately after watching the episode. I wanted something to sort of explain more of why I thought Clarke left and maybe give it just a tiny note of hope. Also, before she says good-bye to Bellamy, we see Clarke hugging Monty, and just watching that scene it feels to me like she told him she was leaving. So I decided maybe Clarke told a few people before she left because I honestly don't think Clarke could let herself unless she knew for sure that her people were going to be okay. So this piece includes my take on those good-byes as well as Clarke's thoughts as she sets out. Hopefully this helps fix any season finale trauma and adds a little more hope to Clarke's exit. Enjoy!
Exit the Hero
"Maybe there are no good guys."
Those words keep rolling around inside of Clarke's head as they begin picking their way out of Mount Weather. She's not sure she believes that. Jasper is good. He fought to the very end to save Maya. Maya was good. And now she's dead, and it's Clarke's fault. Raven is good. Bellamy is good. Clarke's mom is good. Kane is good. They may have done things in the past, but they're still good. They would never have done something like this.
As they walk through the mess hall full of bodies, Clarke keeps looking at her people for reassurance. They did nothing to deserve what happened to them. Her mom was wrong. There are good guys. Clarke's surrounded by them. She's just not one of them. But she did do this for the good guys. Did it because the good guys couldn't. And for the first time, she understands what Dante meant. A good person could never have done this, but it still needed to be done. So Clarke had to do it for them. She understands Lexa too, as much as it hurts to admit it. She understands because she made the same decision. She chose her people and damned everyone else. And the worst part is that she knows she'd do it again. She'd do it because she loves these people too much to let them die. So instead she sold her soul for them.
Lexa was wrong. Love isn't weakness. But it does hurt. It hurts like hell. For the first time in her life, Clarke wishes she was heartless. She wishes she could've thrown that lever without a second thought. Without feeling this crushing guilt every time she breathes in. But she's not heartless. And it's never felt like such a curse. This is her penance, she supposes. To feel it, all of it, for the rest of her life. Only she's not sure she can handle that.
It's too late for redemption. She knows that. But she can't live like this either. She makes up her mind before they even leave Mount Weather. She has to leave before this destroys whatever's left of her. She has to let them start over without all those lives hanging over them. She has to bear it, and bear it alone, so they don't have to.
Even so, she doesn't say anything until they're well on their way. Then she moves slowly down the line, making sure she says something, anything, to every surviving member of the hundred. Even to Jasper, who can't stand to look at her. Once she's checked on every single last one, once she knows her people really are okay, once she's reminded herself why she has to do this, then she moves onto the small handful that she's decided to tell the truth to.
Octavia comes first. She's the hardest, if only because there's so much between them now. At first Octavia will barely say a word to Clarke, but once she realizes that this really is good-bye, it's like a switch flips. She argues, like Clarke knows she will. And she almost wins. It's only when Clarke breaks down into tears that Octavia finally seems to realize just how much this has cost Clarke. And then Octavia's hugging her and crying right along with her. Suddenly she can't let Clarke go. It's like all the bad blood between them has finally been wiped away.
When Octavia finally accepts that Clarke really is leaving, she promises to take care of Bellamy. They both know he'll be too busy to take care of himself. And she makes Clarke promise to take care of herself. Lincoln gives Clarke a hug, which is mildly surprising. And he promises to take care of their people and especially Octavia, at which point Octavia punches him and says she doesn't need anyone taking care of her. They're both in good hands, Clarke knows. And she wishes them both all the happiness in the world.
Raven is next. She doesn't argue, surprisingly. Probably because she seems to think this is some sort of temporary thing. That Clarke will get her head back on straight in a few days and then she'll come back. And maybe that's a possibility, but right now it's not the plan. Then again, plans change. Lexa taught Clarke that.
Raven hugs Clarke as tightly as she can (which is a bit awkward with Wick holding her, but they manage) and tells her not to get herself killed or else Raven will hunt her down and murder her. The contradiction actually pulls a weary smile out of Clarke. She's going to miss Raven's humor. Actually, she's going to miss Raven in general. She's not sure what she'll do without the snarky mechanic around to kick her in the butt.
Getting Kane alone takes the most work. He won't leave Abby's side. But Clarke's heart can't handle telling her mother good-bye, so finally she gets Jackson to pull Kane over for her. He doesn't argue either. He of all people understands what it's like to have this hanging over him. He knows why Clarke has to do this. And somehow that almost makes it harder.
He does try to get her to say good-bye to Abby before she goes, but Clarke nearly breaks down just at the prospect. Kane must understand that too, because he quietly agrees to tell Abby himself once Clarke is gone. And Clarke doesn't even have to ask him to take care of her mother. He just tells her straight out that he will. He'll take care of her and Bellamy and all the others. Until she comes back, he says. Then he holds out his hand and they shake on it like equals. It's an odd feeling. And as they let go, it occurs to Clarke that she wouldn't mind having this man as a stepfather. Maybe someday she'll get to, although she probably won't be here to actually see it. But just knowing that he's here, that her mom is in good hands, that her people are in good hands, is more than enough for Clarke.
She reaches Monty just before they get to the gate. She doesn't have to explain herself to him either. As soon as she opens her mouth, he seems to know what she's about to say. He was in the control room, after all. He knows what she did. He watched her do it. He hugs Clarke tight and promises to look after the others. She knows he will. She also makes him promise to take care of Jasper. Maya's death broke him in a way Clarke understands all too well. But she can't fix that now. All she can do is hope that somehow Monty will find a way to put his friend back together.
Then that just leaves Bellamy. He still thinks she's coming into the camp. But she's not. She can't. She can't look at those faces every day for the rest of the life.
Bellamy walks over to her, seeming to sense her reluctance.
"We can get through this," he says. So confident. So sure.
"I'm not going in," Clarke says quietly.
"If you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you," Bellamy says, turning to face her. "You're forgiven."
Those words almost break her. They're the same words she said to him that night when they sat together against the tree after Dax nearly killed them. Back then Bellamy was the one who didn't want to come back, the one convinced he was a monster. They've come full circle. Now she's the monster and he's the one asking her to come back. The difference is that he doesn't need her like she needed him. He thinks he does, but he doesn't. Not really. He's strong enough. He can do this. Clarke can't. Not now. She's already given up everything she has. But Bellamy... Bellamy still has life in him. He'll make it. And the others will be better for it.
But he doesn't know that yet. He still thinks he needs her.
"Please come inside," he begs.
Clarke nearly gives in right there. But then she looks through the gate and looks at all those faces, and instead she just sees the mess hall of Mount Weather littered with bodies. She can't do this. Not even for Bellamy.
"Take care of them for me," she says instead.
"Clarke," Bellamy begins, clearly meaning to argue her into it.
"No, seeing their faces every day is just gonna remind me of what I did to get them here," she says.
"What we did," Bellamy reminds her. "You don't have to do this alone."
He thinks they're the same here, but they're not and Clarke knows it. Bellamy may have placed his hand over hers, but throwing the lever was her idea. She was the one who actually touched her hand to it. Bellamy may have backed her up, but it was her call and that makes the guilt hers alone.
It's like Dante said. And now Clarke feels even worse for killing him because they're the same, she and him. And if she hadn't killed him, if he were still alive, maybe he could tell her how to live with this.
"I bear it so they don't have to," she says, knowing Bellamy will understand.
His eyes are pained as the words sink in.
"Where are you gonna go?" he asks.
"I don't know," Clarke admits.
She can't handle looking at the pain in his face anymore. She leans forward to kiss his cheek, and then she pulls him into the tightest hug she can manage. Bellamy hesitates a moment before hugging her back just as fiercely.
"May we meet again," Clarke chokes.
She forces herself to pull away then before she breaks completely and talks herself out of this. Part of her worries that Bellamy will stop her, but he doesn't. He lets her go, and for that Clarke is grateful. Because she has to do this. Not for them, but for her. And if Bellamy tries to stop her, really tries, she's not sure she'll be able to go through with it. But he doesn't, and so she does.
She turns away from Camp Jaha and starts off down the road without looking back. Lexa was wrong. Love isn't weakness. Love gave Clarke the strength to save her people. But it also broke her, broke her more than any of them could ever understand. So she has to leave them, has to leave that love behind because it turns out love is a double-edged sword. That's what Lexa truly taught her. That love can break just as surely as it heals. And if Clarke stays here, then her love for these people and the memory of the things it made her do is going to destroy her.
So instead she strikes out on her own. It's almost like a fresh start in a tainted sort of way. It reminds her somehow of the day she first set foot on the ground. She's come a long way since then. She's not that innocent girl anymore. She's changed. But as heavy as her heart has become, she can also feel the tiniest spring entering her step. From the moment she touched the ground, she has lived and breathed for everyone else. To keep them alive. But she tore out her heart and sold her soul to save them, and now she has nothing left to give. Nothing but her departure and a clean slate for all of them, free of her sins. It's not much, but it's all she has.
That's not why she's doing this, though. Not really. For the first time since the drop ship touched down, Clarke is doing something for herself. She never asked to be a leader, and now she doesn't have to be. She's finally free. Broken, but free. Walking away from these people hurts like hell, but somehow the tattered remnants of her heart feel just a bit lighter because of it. In spite of the guilt weighing on her shoulders, Clarke suddenly feels like she can breathe again. It's too late for redemption. She knows that. She's betrayed every moral out there. Hell, she betrayed herself. She can't ever come back from that. Besides, she's not the good guy anymore. She doesn't deserve a happy ending.
But the ground's a big place. Full of danger, yes, but full of wonders too. And maybe somewhere out there a day will come when Clarke Griffin can finally find some peace. It's not likely, but hey, this is earth, after all. And if there's one thing that Clarke has learned, it's that down here, anything is possible.
So how was it? Please take a second to leave a quick review and let me know what you thought about this piece. Also, if you want to read the full version of Clarke's good-bye to Octavia, then check out the third chapter of my story "All's Fair in Love and War." And feel free to read the rest while you're at it. Thanks for reading!