RUOTSI THE CHAIR
A SUFIN CRACKFIC BY SPOOPYPOOPY
RATED M
WARNINGS: Pure crack, inappropriateness, Sufin + Sealand = family, Finland calling Sweden Ruotsi, IKEA. No offence to anyone Swedish or Finnish (or Sealandish for that matter)! This was just made "for the lulz".

Based on a cracky story-game between me and my girlfriend, Den.

One day, Finland and Sweden went to IKEA.

"W' n'd a n'w ch'r." The Swede said to his wife.

"Yes, we do. Oh, that's a pretty chair." He pointed to a black, wooden chair. It was rather plain. They bought the chair and went home to their house. Well duh. Anyway, this house belonged to them and they lived in it, along with their adopted son who was bought off eBay, Sealand.

They unloaded the chair from their car and placed it inside. They moved it to the dining room. The Finnish man was so happy that they had bought a nice chair from IKEA.

Finland sat on the chair, and it broke immediately. He fell down flat on his butt on the broken pieces of chair-wood. "'re y' 'kay?" asked Sweden.

"Y-yes, I am okay." Finland cringed a bit in pain, but he smiled again. Sweden helped him up. "Oh well, that's a shame though. It was such a nice and new chair. Maybe it's because it was from IKEA..." He said the last sentence to himself, but Sweden overheard it and raised a brow. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean that." Finland laughed.

"Wh't 're w' g'nna do n'w?" Sweden asked, frowning a bit. He didn't really mind going back and buying another chair, though.

"Ruotsi, you should be my chair!" Finland spoke joyfully and the Swede just looked at him because he said a strange thing. Sometimes his wife was quite strange, but he didn't say much.

"P'rd'n?"

"You heard me."

The Swede hesitated for a second then came over beside Finland, making a position like he was sitting on thin air. It was silly. Finland sat on his lap, smiling brightly. He was not that heavy, but the additional weight made Sweden's calves hurt a bit. "This is a comfy chair!" Finland laughed. "You shall remain as a chair all day!" He proclaimed. Sweden looked at him blankly, but he thought he was being totally ridiculous.

The Swede grunted, nodding ever so slightly. He decided that he would just tough this out. He didn't want to disappoint his wife, after all.

They fell asleep like that, Sweden sitting on air, only supporting himself and Finland with his endurance and manly calves. Finland's head rolled around, sometimes hang his head low or throw his head back. He snored lightly, muttering random things like, "Salmiakki..." or "I like to do things to my husband...", or whatever kind of shit Finnish people say when they're asleep.

Ten hours later, a tiny Arthur bounded down the stairs. He was somewhat like Arthur in appearance, only he was smaller, obnoxious and he had blue eyes. Oh, it is the fake nation, Sealand. Oh wait, he is not even a nation. He can't be fake if he never was! Haha.

"Mama! Papa!" He said all excitedly. He had just finished playing with his British toys, like miniature TARDISes and 1/8 scale figurines of Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman as Sherlock and John in this overly-popular British show. He also had this play-kitchen which always seems to set fire, even if it is only a play-kitchen made out of plastic.

The pair stirred awake, seeing their "son" when they opened their eyes. "Oh hello there, Sealand." Mama Finland smiled. He sounded like he wanted to go back to sleep though.

"Mama, what are you doing on Papa's lap?"

"'m 'n IKE' ch'r."

"You're a what?"

"'m 'n IKE' ch'r."

"You're a keycher?"

"'m 'n IKE' ch'r."

"You're a keechur?"

"'m 'n IKE' ch'r."

"You're a keychain?"

"'m 'n IKE' ch'r."

"He is an IKEA chair." Finland supplied helpfully. The tiny Sealandish person let out an understanding, 'Ooooh~!' But his face fell immediately.

"Wait!" Sealand looked surprised. "But, he can't be a chair! How will I be able to play with him if he is a chair?" He said, dismayed.

Finland got off Sweden's lap, and Sweden did not budge one bit. He stayed still, perfectly still. He was a good Swedish chair, but he had some factory defects, like, a stoic face.

"Well, you can still play with Papa even if he is a chair! Come, try and sit on him. You two can play while I make dinner." Finland then turned to Sweden. "Ruotsi, please do move to the corner, I need some space to move around here."

Later, they ate. Finland and Sealand were having fun conversing with one another, while Sweden was just sitting, or more like, "chair-ing", at his end of the table. He looked like usual. He did not react when Finland forbade him to eat. He was a chair, after all. And chairs most certainly do not eat.

They cleared away the table and afterwards, Finland went to his husband.

"It's a shame you are a chair." Finland said airily.

Sweden didn't say anything.

He sat down on Sweden, facing him, like he was straddling him. Sweden just didn't show any signs of being tired. Finland moved his hips up and down, grinding himself against Sweden. Sealand was alternating between playing with his life-sized doll of Queen Elizabeth II and watching his parents do weird shit.

Finland groaned a bit, and Sweden was slightly blushing. "F'nl'nd, wh't 're y' doing..."

Finland bit his lower lip and continued moving up and down, rolling his hips most erotically. Sweden was starting to get a boner.

Finland immediately felt Sweden's erection. He immediately stood up and walked away, leaving a sexually frustrated Swedish IKEA Nation Chair in his wake. He frowned very deeply.

Sealand walked over to him. "Papa? What happened?" He saw the whole thing, and he was watching like a creepy little shit. Oh God no! Don't do this to the innocent, technically 60 or 70-something-year old fake nation! His eyes shot downwards, looking at Sweden's erection. "What is that, Papa?" He pointed at it innocently, and Sweden's cheeks flushed pink.

"'s n'th'ng."

"I've never seen that bulge down your pants before, though! And what was Mama doing to you earlier?" Well shit, son.

"'t's... 't's..." Sweden tried to think of something to say about the bulge. "'t's m'gic'l cr'tures." He said, trying to look convincing.

"Oh wow! Can I pet them?"

"Wh't-? N-no, Seal'nd! O-Only I c'n p't th'm, b'cause they're 'n m' p'nts." He nodded. Sealand, being the stupid, gullible shitface he is, believed the blatant lie. He's technically in his sixties or seventies and he doesn't know what an erection is? Wow, poor kid. He'll probably lead a chaste, celibate life. Eugh.

"Ohh! Most fascinating! Then, can you pet them for me?" Sealand asked him. Sweden begrudgingly obliged, just so Sealand would shut the hell up. He patted his boner, and it twitched, giving him some kind of sensation. He groaned a bit, but tried to bite it back. His boner grew even more.

"Wow!" Sealand's eyes grew wide. "Wow, they moved! I should tell Mama about this!" He ran out of the dining area before Sweden could even try to stop him. Sealand ran, ran so fast, ran through the living room, tripping over Floweregg (Hanatamago), ran up the stairs and burst into Finland's room where he was reading a book entitled, "How To Have Sex With A Chair".

"Sealand? What is it?" Finland put down the book calmly. Sealand jumped onto his mama's bed, looking at him with sparking, excited eyes.

"Mama, Mama, there are magical creatures inside Papa's pants!"

"What? Oh, I want to see!" Finland grinned and they both got off the bed. Apparently, Finland thought it really was magical creatures. Why is everyone in this family such gullible little shits?

They both went down excitedly, giggling as they went. They both reached the dining area when Finland saw Sweden's boner, clear as day. He gasped, affronted, and covered Sealand's eyes quickly. "Mama?"

"Go to your room, you can go play with your toys, just don't come back down." Mama Finland said sternly. Sealand nodded and quickly scampered away.

Finland scowled and walked slowly towards Sweden. "Ruotsi! Shame on you, letting the child see that!" He slapped Sweden's boner, which made the owner grunt a bit, and the boner slowly went away. "Because of this, I won't let you become a country anymore! You are now forever a chair! I will take over Sweden and soon I shall be known as the Kingdom of SuFin! Ahahaha!" Finland laughed insanely. Sweden looked at him in horror. What had his wife become?!

"F'nl'nd, no..." He shook his head. But his wife won't stop laughing.

A few moments later, Finland calmed down and slowly leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. "Oh, Ruotsi, I am so sorry... Will you come over here and give me a hug?"

Sweden hesitated for a moment, before walking to him while being a chair at the same time. It required great lower back strength and durable, manly calves. Sweden was manly enough to accomplish this.

"No, no!" Finland laughed. "I did not mean that. You can go back to being a country now. You are no longer a chair."

Sweden thought it was too good to be true! He tried to stand up, but the moment he did, he collapsed on the floor, screaming and crying in pain. His calves were in painful agony! Finland knelt beside him. "Ruotsi! Ruotsi...!" He was stunned. His heart was breaking, seeing his husband like this. Sweden rolled onto his side, in a foetal position.

Finland snapped, grabbed a knife from the counter and stabbed his lower back so many times. He made sure he got the spinal cord. He wanted to put Sweden out of his misery. Sweden could not feel his legs anymore. He was paralysed and was bleeding profusely.

Finland fainted and fell asleep next to him.

The next day, Sealand again, bounded down the stairs very loudly. He reached the dining room where he let out a blood-curdling shriek. "MAMA! PAPA! WHAT HAPPENED?! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!" He said, abusing the caps lock. There was dried blood on the floor, surrounding Sweden. WELL DUH, HE'S NOT ALL RIGHT. IS SEALAND ALL RIGHT? DIDN'T THINK SO.

Finland woke up, rubbing his eyes blearily. "O-oh, Sealand... Good morning."

"Mama!" Sealand breathed a bit easier in relief. "What happened to Papa?"

"He collapsed because he was in pain after being a chair. So I paralysed him to put him out of his misery"

Sealand gasped and went to his "father"'s still body on the floor. Sweden was conscious and breathing but he cannot move. Finland stood up and suddenly, a wild Hanatamago appeared! No, seriously, he was wild. Man. It sensed that Finland had done terrible things to poor Sweden who just wanted to bork, and so Hanatamago bravely jumped really high and bit Finland's nose with sharp teeth. Hanatamago barked, but it fell down and attacked Finland's leg instead, shaking its head while it was biting just to make sure its teeth were sinking into Finland. Finland was shouting in terrible pain. Sealand took this chance to take Sweden up to his room, dragging him because it was the best he could do.

"Don't worry, Papa! We'll get out of here and escape from Mama! He's gone bonkers!"

They both made it to his room, and Sweden was groaning in pain from being dragged a lot. Suddenly, Sealand acquired super strength, which he used to barricade the door with everything in his room, including his bed with One Direction bedsheets. He then looked frenziedly at the window. It was too small for them, so he punched the wall, making the entire wall break. He then took Sweden and jumped the fuck out of there, away, awaaaaay from the crazy wife and mama.

The flying was short-lived, however, because it was never mentioned that they grew wings, or had the ability to fly. So of course, naturally, they could not fly and thanks to gravity and stupidity, they both fell down, the impact and Sealand's landing on Sweden's back, crushing him and paralysing the top of his body as well.

They both had to be carried by pixie dust to a hospital.

THE END

A/N: First crackfic ever, oh my God. What have I (actually, me and my girlfriend) done? WE FUCKED UP THIS TIME, THAT'S WHAT. Anyway, review and shizz, yes. I don't even know what possessed me to publish this.

By the way, Ruotsi means Sweden in Finnish. Finland is the Scandinavian black sheep when it comes to the Nordics' names. Haha~