A/N
Don't read this if you don't have my sense of humour (For e.g. Why did the man fall off his bike? Someone threw a fridge at him!! Why did the little girl fall off the swing?? Someone shot her in the face! Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread!)
That is all.
New Moon in a Nutshell
Script
-Bella wakes up from a nightmare-
Bella: Holy Crow! I'm gonna get old and wrinkly and Edward is going to stay young and vampire like!!!
*******************************
-The next day at school in the parking lot-
Edward: Happy birthday, love!
Bella: Oh crap, it's starting! You better not have gone to any trouble for me!!!
*******************************
-Later that night at the Cullen's house-
Bella: A party! How joyful(!)
Edward: Open the presents or Esme will cry on you!
-Bella picks up a present and paper cuts herself on the wrapping paper-
Bella: Dang! That hurt!
-Jasper turns on Bella and crouches just about to pounce-
Jasper: (Dracula voice) I want to suck your blood!
Edward: No!
-He jumps at Bella but Edward pushes her out of the way and she hurts herself-
Bella: Dang! That hurt!
-Jasper gets lead out of the room-
*******************************
Day 1 – Edward looks traumatized
Day2 – Edward looks traumatized
Day 3 - Edward looks traumatized
*******************************
-Bella and Edward are outside Bella's house-
Edward: Let's take a walk into the forest…
Bella: Are you gonna rape me?!
Edward: …No!
Bella: Aw…
-They stop walking-
Edward: Bella, I don't love you anymore. In fact I hate you so much, I'm making my entire family leave Forks because I can't stand living in the same town as you… don't be stupid or reckless though!!!
Bella: …dang…
-Bella falls over and looks dramatic-
*******************************
-4 Months later. Bella looks a mess, sitting in the living room-
Charlie: That's it! Get out of my house or I'll shoot you in the face!!!
Bella: Huh? You just popped my personal bubble of numbness!
Charlie: I don't like corpses! Why do you think I don't go to that brothel anymore?! The women are so fragile…
Bella: Okidoodles! I'll go watch zombies kill people on a very big screen!
*******************************
-After the movie with Jessica-
Jessica: You wanna eat now?
Bella: Sure…
Jessica: Food…!
-Walking towards Macdonalds, Bella sees a bunch of men that she recognizes.-
Bella: Holy crow! They're the people who were going to bum rape me in Port Angeles! ...I want to touch it!
-She walks towards them slowly-
Dudes: Y'all right darlin'?!
Edward's Voice: Bella! Stop walking!
Bella: Ahh! Who the hell are you!?
Edward's voice: …seriously? You don't remember my voice? …it's me. Edward… Edward Cullen? You know the masochistic lion? The love of your existence?
Bella: Oh You!… Holy crow!
-Stops walking, but with one foot in front of the other-
Dude: Come and have a drink!
Edward's Voice: Damn it Bella! Turn around! You promised no recklessness!
Bella: …meh.
-Keeps walking-
Edward's voice: huh… this was supposed to go a little bit different… you're supposed to be really sad…
Bella: Just give me a minute I'm waiting for the drugs to wear off.
Edward's voice: Oh ok.
-Pause-
Bella: Holy crow! Edward!
Edward's Voice: Better! Now go back to Jessica!
Bella: But you'll leave me!
Edward's voice: If you don't turn back right now, I will make a big hole in your heart and it'll hurt so much, that you're gonna wanna turd in it just to fill it up!
Bella: …um…
Edward's voice: You're gonna pay for that pause.
Bella: Fine!
-She goes back to Jess-
*******************************
-Screen goes black. You can hear Bella.-
Bella: Dang! That hurts… double dang! I can't bend that way! Charlie!!!
*******************************
Bella: (thinking) I need to be reckless again so I can hear him.
*******************************
-Bella drives down a street and sees two kids on motorbikes-
Bella: Give me those bikes!
Kids: No! They're ours!
Bella: Not anymore!
-She runs them over and kills them and steals the bikes-
Bella: Dang! I hurt the bikes! (Pause while she thinks) I know! I'll go down to La Push and get that big Indian bloke with long girly hair to fix them for me!
*******************************
-Goes to La Push-
Bella: Fix these!
Jacob: (Eagerly) Okay!
Bella: …that was easier than I thought it would be.
*******************************
-The bikes are fixed. Jacob and Bella are on their way to ride them-
Jacob: Hmph!
Bella: What's the matter Jacob?
Jacob: All my friends are turning into werewolves!
Bella: Holy crow!
Jacob: I know! And they all keep imprinting on each other, it's really annoying! Look there they are now, about to jump off that cliff!
Bella: Holy crow! I wanna do it!
Jacob: In time my sweet…
*******************************
-Gets there. Bella goes on her bike.-
Bella: Wee!
Edward's voice: You again! Will you stop being a reckless knob head and get off that motorbike!
Bella: Holy crow!
-Crashes-
*******************************
Bella: (thinking) I wanna hear Edward again! Maybe if I go to the meadow…
*******************************
-Next day at La Push-
Bella: I wanna go hiking!
Jacob: Okay!
Bella: Aren't you gonna ask why?
Jacob: Okay!
Bella: I think you're gay…?
Jacob: Okay… wait…
*******************************
-Bella's house. Bella rings Jacob.-
Billy: Hello?
Bella: Hey cripple! Can I speak to Jake?
Billy- Sorry, no can do. He's ill.
Bella: Holy crow! What's the matter with him?
Billy: err… he's got piles. Yeah, we're waiting for them to fall off.
Bella: Okay…
-Bella decides to go to the meadow by herself-
Bella: (thinking) Fine! Screw him! I'll go by myself!
*******************************
-Arrives at meadow. Her heart starts to hurt-
Bella: Dang! This hurts!
-Laurent appears out of a clearing-
Bella: Holy crow! It's the French man that's got an English accent that lives America!
Laurent: Oh my golly wolly gosh! What are you doing here Bella?!
Bella: I'm trying to fill up my hole!
Laurent: ...okay I don't think I want to know the details. So... how are you?
Bella: Good…
Laurent: So… What are the Cullen's up to these days?
Edward's voice: Tell him we're doing a chess marathon at home!
Bella: Err… - (thinking) Holy crow! The pressure, the pressure! - They left Forks… dang!
Edward's voice: Well done (!)
Laurent: Is that so? Why is that?
Edward's voice: Tell him we have gone hunting and we'll be back tonight!
Bella: Err… Edward doesn't love me anymore and he's not coming back… dang!
Edward's voice: Bella, you are useless!
Laurent: I'm very sorry to hear that… actually no I'm not.
Edward's voice: Now you've done it!
Laurent: You see Bella, Victoria wanted to kill you herself, but I want to so… you know how it is.
Bella: Holy crow! Victoria wants to kill me?
Edward's voice: Don't move, some werewolves are gonna come and kill him. Just relax!
Bella: Lol!
-Werewolves come and kill Laurent-
*******************************
-Next Day. Jacob rings Bella-
Bella: Yo mofo
Jacob: Hi! My piles fell off!
Bella: Yay! I'll come down to La Push now then!
Jacob: Ok! Oh by the way, I'm a werewolf, and your Dad's pimp died today.
Bella: Okay! Bye!
*******************************
-At La Push-
Bella: Hi Jake! (Smiling) A murderous raving vampire is trying to kill me!
Jacob: Okies, me and my posse will get on to it!
-Jacob leaves-
Bella: Great! –Looks up at the cliff top- My, my, my! That cliff top sure does look inviting!
-At the top of the cliff-
Edward's voice- Are you suicidal Bella?
Bella: …well yeah I was for four months.
Edward's voice: Ok, well are you still suicidal?
Bella: I guess so.
Edward's voice: Oh ok then, bye!
Bella: Tallyho!
-Jumps off cliff. Jacob catches her-
Bella: Oof!
Jacob: You know committing suicide is kind of bad for you!
Bella: How did you know I was here?
Jacob: I've been stalking you.
Bella: Oh. (Pause) My spidy sense is tingling! Take me home!
*******************************
-Outside Bella's house in the car-
Bella: Holy crow! Carlisle's car!
Jacob: Hmph!
Bella: What's the matter Jacob?
Jacob: What? Can't a werewolf be in a mood for no apparent reason?
Bella: No but-
Jacob: I'll kill you... I'm very sorry about that…
Bella: Okay.
Jacob: I really hope you don't die!
-Jacobs runs away (weeping like a little girl- hee)-
*******************************
-Bella goes into the house and sees a female shadow on the wall-
Bella: AAGH!!! No!!!! It's Victoria!!! Don't kill me! Holy crow I'm going to die!!!
-Goes into hysterics-
Alice: Bella?! Would you like to explain to me why you are still alive?
Bella: A werewolf was stalking me.
Alice: Oh my Cullen! - (Thinking) I'd better tell Rosalie to call of the celebrations- Edward's going to kill himself.
Bella: I don't care he can go- holy crow! I can't even say it! I love him so much! Where has he gone?
Alice: Volterra. It's in Italy. It's the city of the Volturi.
Bella: Dang! Italy isn't in America! Oh well at least it's in the same continent.
-Alice gives her a funny look-
*******************************
-In Italy, just outside of Volterra. They're stuck in a traffic jam-
Bella: Oh look! There's some kind of Nazi celebration going on!
Alice: We're in Italy not Germany!
Bella: Yeah okay!
-A security guard appears at Alice's side-
Security guard: Sorry, you can't go further than here with a car.
Bella: Why, is it Nazi day?
Alice: Now, you are going to let Bella go past.
Security guard: No I'm not.
Alice Yes you are.
Security guard: No I'm not.
Alice: Yes, you are.
-Alice pulls out a condom and waves it in front of the security guard-
Security guard: No, I'm, not.
Alice: Yes, you are.
Security guard: No I'm not and will you please stop waving that glove at me!?
Alice: You simpleton!
-Alice gets out of the car and pulls the security guard away with his tie-
Bella: Have fun.
*******************************
-Walks down an alley way-
Bella: I'm never gonna find Edward here!
-Edward appears behind her-
Edward- Hi!
Bella: Holy crow! Edward!
Edward: Carlisle was right.
Bella: What, about me being alive?
Edward: No. He was right about… something else.
Bella: Oh Edward! Why did you try and kill yourself? I thought you didn't love me anymore?
Edward: Just because I hate you it doesn't mean I don't love you.
Bella: …good enough for me!
-Holds hands and starts to walk out of the alley, before they hear a voice-
Jane: Hey.
Bella: What?
Jane: I just came to tell you that master says like you have to be dead or whatever next time he sees you or like he'll do it himself or something like that. And by the way do you have any new razor blades or whatever because these just aren't working.
Edward: Why don't you use your own power on yourself?
Jane: I would but like, it hurt really badly, so whatever.
Edward: Err okay. Goodbye Jane.
Jane: Oh by the way, that's not my name any more. It's the 'Reaper'.
Edward: ok bye Reaper…
Jane: See ya dude.
*******************************
-Edward and Bella in Bella's bedroom-
Bella: So what have you been doing these past few months?
Edward: Tracking Victoria.
Bella: You've been shagging Victoria?!
Edward: No Bella, TRACKING.
Bella: Well, I thought that's what it meant?
Edward: No… wait, so what did you think I was doing when I was tracking James?
-Bella giggles-
Edward: You are utterly absurd!
Bella: YAY!
-Hugs-
The End!