Author's Note: this fic is Lazlo/Edward, and is technically the first slash I've written. It's the first romance I've written, too. It's filled with grammar mistakes and other atrocities to the English language, but I wanted to submit it before I grew old and died so I didn't proofread it as well as I should've…
(edit) thank you red mad queen for the beta !!!
Disclaimer: if I owned these characters I wouldn't be submitting a story about them to a site called FANfiction.
Hearts
Edward stood on the lake shore in his standard camp kidney swimsuit. He would have gotten in if the water hadn't been infested with stupidity. Said stupidity was now waving at him from the water.
"Hey, Edward!" Lazlo said, waving to Edward from the water. "Come in, the water's great!"
Edward growled. "I'd rather have my tail chopped off than get in the water with you, Laaazlo!" He yelled, shaking his fist in Lazlo's direction. He put it back down after he was content as Lazlo's smile faded slightly.
"Anyway, I'm waiting for more people to show up." He continued. He looked past Lazlo, and saw the other two idiots in the water. He didn't like the thought of being second in the water after the Jelly Beans.
"Raj and Clam are here." Lazlo pointed out.
"I meant real people, Lazlo."
"I am very real!" said Raj from the water. "Are you real?" he asked, turning to Clam.
"No." Clam replied, diving underwater.
"Let's play Marco-polo!" Giggled Lazlo before he swam out to join them.
And as the Jelly Beans frolicked and played, Edward glared at them, angry. Angry at their fun and angry at their innocence.
He couldn't stomach them- especially their ring leader, Lazlo. He was so… so… happy! Who gave him the right to enjoy his life so much?!
Edward had lots of reasons to hate Lazlo. Jealousy was one of them, although Edward would never admit to that one. He also hated Lazlo for never hating him back no matter how hard he tried to act aloof and uncaring, and sometimes even openly hostile.
Lazlo never hated him, or even got mad at him, and Edward hated that. It made it harder and harder to not like Lazlo, and if he didn't not like Lazlo, that would mean he liked him, and that was just, well…
He definitely didn't like Lazlo, despite whatever his heart thought, and it was best kept out of the general public's eye.
"Edward? What's that floating over your head?" Asked Lazlo, sounding cheerfully curious.
Edward looked up. There was a little heart hovering above his head, playing witness to the guilty emotions stirred up by his "Lazlo" thoughts. Edward gave out a little scream, grabbed it before anyone could see it properly, and ran. He couldn't think of anything else to do.
On the way to his cabin, he bumped into the rest of the campers.
"Sorry we're late, Edward!" Said Skip.
"Sampson took a really long time." Continued Chip.
"Whatcha got there, Ed?" Asked one of the lemmings, peeking out of the throng behind his strangely identical brothers.
"Nothing!" Edward said nervously, hiding the heart behind his back.
"It looked shiny and red…" said Sampson in that nasally voice of his.
"Strange, so are you." Said Ping Pong accusingly, but then Ping Pong always sounded as if he was accusing someone of something.
"Eeh!!?" Edward just realized that he was blushing furiously. "I-I forgot my sunscreen!! Yeah, I'm just gonna to go get it… right now!" He said, panicking before he ran away.
There was a short pause from the campers.
"I forgot my sunscreen!!" screamed Sampson.
The other campers groaned.
Inside Pinto cabin, Edward slammed the door, shoved a bed-side table in front of it, then he sat on his bed, pulling the covers over his head. Under the covers, he let go of the heart. It cast a reddish pink glow, illuminating the cavern formed by Edward and the blanket.
"You're mocking me, aren't you?" Edward told the heart. It just floated there next to his head, not answering.
"You're just ONE of the many troubles that darn monkey keeps causing me! You know that!?"
There was a soft popping noise, and another heart formed next to first one.
"No I don't…" he said sullenly. He didn't even know why he was talking to it, stupid thing.
"Why do these things have to happen to me? Why? What did I do to deserve this? I never killed anybody, did I?!" The twin hearts seemed happy to not answer him. Edward sighed, resting his head on his knees.
"This is all Lazlo's fault! Now I'm...Guh…" He stopped himself from saying it. He wouldn't even utter such filthy words! Saying it would add a whole new level of realism he didn't want to deal with right now.
He pointed furiously at the hearts, his hand shaking slightly. "You don't exist! Okay?! You never happened!!" ---
Later, when he was sure no one was around, he buried the two hearts behind the cabin. There were no hearts or Lazlo for the rest of the day, but it was marshmallow night that evening, and it was going to be hard to avoid the monkey there. Things where just never easy…
Officially, marshmallow night was once a week. Despite this, sometimes a bunch of daring campers would steal some marshmallows and have their own unofficial marshmallow night, and since unofficial meant unauthorized, scoutmaster Lumpus was totally allowed to go raid these parties, confiscate all the marshmallows, eat some of them, and go home, cheeks nearly bursting with marshmallow goo. But since today was officially marshmallow night, the scoutmaster was not allowed to do that, unless, of course, he thought the scouts were using the marshmallows reprehensibly…
"You there!" He shouted at one random camper. "That is incorrect use of a marshmallow! Scout, I'll be taking that!" scoutmaster Lumpus snatched a marshmallow from a little aardvark boy, his heart secretly leaping with glee at the feel of the mushy treat in his hands.
"But I was just going to eat it…" Aardvark boy said. Sadly, Aardvark boy's pleas were to no avail since Lumpus had already shoved the marshmallow into his unwieldy maw.
"Hmm mm marshmallow…" Lumpus said to himself, mumbling happily and licking the sticky goop off of his lips and fingers.
And so, as little Aardvark Boy runs away crying, we pan our cameras behind him, and then stop, not only because Aardvark Boy is nameless and uninteresting, but also because here is Lazlo.
He sits there, surrounded by his friends and a bunch of campers, telling them "scary" stories, such as mystical life of the sugar plum fairies and how they could turn custard into cheese.
Edward arrived. He stood straight, head up with his trademark scowl covering his face. Nothing to give a clue about how terrified he was right then at just the thought of the embarrassment that would ensue if anyone caught him accidentally making hearts at Lazlo. It sent a cold shiver down his spine.
All he had to do was avoid Lazlo, and he'd be in the clear.
Don't even make eye contact…
Unfortunately, when Lazlo saw Edward, he rushed up to greet him.
"Edward, you're here! We were starting to worry about you!" He said, and then, probably to prove how worried he was, or possibly because he was a Brazilian spider monkey, and hugging was how they socialized, he wrapped his arms around Edward and gave him a little squeeze. "We were just about to send Clam out to get you… hey, did you hear that?"
"No." Edward said nervously.
"There was a popping noise." Lazlo said thoughtfully, looking around for the source of the noise.
"Must've been the fire." Said Edward quickly, shoving the newly formed heart under his hat. After it was securely out of the eyes of campers, he pushed Lazlo away.
"Stay away from me!" He said angrily.
Lazlo didn't hear this, of course he was the fabled hear-no-evil see-no-evil monkey, and usually ignored anything that would upset him.
He spent the rest of the night in Edward's face, thinking Edward's depressed demeanor needed cheering up.
Soon the moon was high in the sky, and several campers started singing cheesy camp songs. After a little while, Edward caught Lazlo sticking half molten pieces of marshmallow together, making a vaguely humanoid shape. After he was done, he held it out to show Edward.
"Hello, Edward! I'm Marshmallow man! Won't you dance with me under the moonlight?" Lazlo said, giggling.
Edward blushed. He then turned his lips into a scowl to try to stop Lazlo or any of the other campers from noticing his reddened face.
"Get that thing out of my face, Lazlo!!!" He yelled, freaking out.
Suddenly, a silhouette jumped out of the bushes. "Ah HA! Using marshmallows to harass other campers? Shame, shame, Lazlo! Hand 'em over!" Lumpus didn't wait for Lazlo to hand them over- he simply snatched it, a greedy glint in his eyes. He took Marshmallow man, started chewing on his head, and disappeared into the darkness of the woods just a quickly as he had appeared.
Lazlo followed him to plead for Marshmallow man's freedom, for Lazlo claimed he had a wife and two kids who were being made as they were speaking by Raj and Clam.
Edward felt relieved, although a tiny part of him felt empty seeing Lazlo leave, it was a tiny part of himself he wished he could kill right now for all the trouble it was causing him. Hearts had been popping up left and right all night. He stuffed some into his pockets, but most of them were jammed into his hat. There were so many of them, the fabric was stretched to its limit, and his hat seemed to tower over his head like a small skyscraper. Thankfully, (and as usual, in Edward's opinion) everyone was too stupid to notice.
Lazlo came back smiling. As usual. "Hey guys, Lumpy said he'd gladly take Marshmallow man and his family to a better place!"
Raj and Clam cheered.
"Is that better place his stomach?" asked Edward in a bitter, mocking tone.
"Edward!" Lazlo gasped, staring at Edward as if he had uttered a profanity. "Lumpy wouldn't do that! That's such a negative thought, Edward." He said, his big grin replaced with a little worried look.
Lazlo should hold on to that look, it looks better on him than that clueless smile of his…
Edward's thoughts were interrupted by more popping noises coming from under his hat.
Uh oh.
His face went red and he started sweating. He cursed himself for being so weak, because he was sure that this sort of thing would never have happened to any of his brothers.
Seeing Edward's obvious discomfort, Lazlo's worried look turned even more worried.
"Are you okay?" He asked, stepping closer to Edward.
No, I'm not okay! That voice that was always in the back of Edward's mind screamed.
"I'm fine!" Edward said, twittering nervously. He got up off the log he was sitting on and started taking steps backward. "I just need to get some fresh air, okay? Don't follow me!"
"Okay…I guess…" And before Lazlo could finish, Edward tore off from the camp fire.
He had to get rid of these hearts!
Clutching his hat to his head, Edward headed towards the lake.
Two campers stood by the lake shore, staring into Leaky Lake's murky depths. At night, the lake was inky black, the lights from acorn flats on the other side of the lake shining on its iridescent surface.
"Purty, ain't it?" Said one of the campers. His name was Fred, he was a walrus.
"I dunno. It's kinda creepy at night." Said the other camper, a small, nervous-looking hippo named Sheldon.
"Large bodies o' water are always creepy at night." Said Fred. "'Cause -'cause anything can happen near water at night…" He paused a bit, running what he just said against a mental repository of child folklore and things his grandma had told him.
"Yup …anything."
Sheldon shuddered.
It was then that Edward stumbled into view. He was a little ways off and didn't see them, but then again no one ever did. By now his hat was the size of a small elephant, but it wasn't heavy, as the hearts were feather-light, but it was nevertheless hard to move around.
Under it, Edward staggered and growled at himself. It was that tiny part of him under all of the rage inside of him that cried, "Hug me again, Lazlo!". It was becoming harder and harder to stamp it down.
There was a noise, and at first, he couldn't tell what it was. Then he realized it was the sound of ripping fabric
"Oh god…" He could only whisper in fear.
BOOM!
Sheldon fainted. Fred just looked up as pretty pink fireworks filled the air.
"Purty, ain't it?" he repeated, a glassy, simpleton's look smeared on his face.
The sound attracted the rest of the campers. They came because of curiosity and stayed for the show.
And it was quite a show.
It had everything you could wish for in a fireworks display; lots of things that went whoosh and sparkled a little too pink, though, but the fact that it all came from a mortified platypus's head made up for it.
Edward loved attention, but this wasn't the kind he ever wanted. Thankfully for him, however, he was unconscious…
When Edward woke up, there was a bright light for a second, and he thought he was dead. It took him a moment to realize that he was on a bed and there was a light fixture above him on the ceiling. Three hearts bobbed lazily over his head. Hearts…
The unpleasant memory of the heart fiasco surfaced in his mind. Edward groaned. Now he wished he was dead. He then looked around, and saw how everything was sterile and blue.
O.K, where the heck AM I? Edward wondered to himself. Just as he thought it, a surly-looking pink shark on an office chair wheeled himself in.
"You're in the patient's ward." He said, answering Edward's question without being asked. Edward remembered Sampson telling him that Nurse Leslie's (Who was, as Edward now saw, the identity of the pink shark.) blue eye could look right in your skull.
Why do I hang out with that butterball, anyways? He wondered, shuddering.
Nurse Leslie checked his clipboard, then said, "Lazlo brought you in yesterday. He said that you had fainted."
"Am I going to die?" Edward asked, but he couldn't help thinking things like: Lazlo brought me in? How'd he bring me in? Did he carry me?
…Oh god. He decided to stop, even though he had more thoughts like that, in case Nurse Leslie was spying on his thoughts.
"No. You fainted from shock; you're fine now."
"That's a shame." Edward said, sighing.
Nurse Leslie checked his clipboard again, an act which annoyed Edward to no end. He wondered what was written on it. Medical notes, probably. Doodles? Maybe even if and how Lazlo carried him in… no…no… He tried to avoid that thought.
It was probably just porn, it was the only explanation for him looking at it so often.
"If you'll excuse me, I have a sick moose to check up on… ate one too many marshmallows…" Nurse Leslie started wheeling out, windmilling his tiny legs in the air, which was somehow enough to make him move backwards out the door.
Edward leaned back into the bed. He glanced up, and realized that there were five hearts currently hovering over his head.
"Nuuuuuuuuurrrssssssse Leeeeessssllliiieeeeee!!!! Heeeeyyy!! Get back in here!" Edward yelled.
Leslie came back. "Have you ever seen a sick moose? It's not pretty…" he said, somewhat peeved. He had been in a bad mood since Lazlo put Edward in the only ward bed that was directly under a light. He had been hoping to place Lumpus there.
Nurse Leslie didn't get much amusement in his line of work, but he always secretly enjoyed the moose waking up and thinking he was dead.
"Do I look like I give a damn?! Look, I have a problem…"
"I don't do mental cases." Nurse Leslie said uncaringly.
"Do I look mental to you!?" Edward shouted.
Nurse Leslie pointedly kept his mouth shut.
"I need to get rid of these!" Edward said, waving angrily at the hearts "Put an ointment on it or something."
"There's no ointment for a case of hearts, Edward." Nurse Leslie said.
"Then how do you get rid of them?" Edward stopped waving angrily at the hearts.
""Hearts" are merely a sign of affection. People get them when the have crushes." Nurse Leslie said in a matter-of-fact voice.
"HOW do I get rid of them?" Edward asked, becoming impatient.
"I had crush once…" Leslie said randomly, his eyes suddenly turning misty. "Her name was Gloria Gills…" Edward interrupted him by screaming at the top of his lungs.
"JUST TELL ME HOW TO GET RID OF THEM!!" He screamed in that foghorn-loud voice of his that he usually had when he was angry.
"They usually clear up after you admit your feelings to who ever you have a crush on." Nurse Leslie said, shaking his head to clear that look out of his eyes.
"Oh, o.k… Wait! That's not o.k! Dammit! Do you have any scalpels?" he added, deeply considering suicide.
"Not where you can get your hands on them." Nurse Leslie said, now wheeling away before he could miss Lumpus waking up.
"Dammit!" Edward shouted.
I'm doomed! He thought to himself.
Author's note (the return): I don't think I'm very good at writing Lazlo and Edward I think I write Edward like a mafia don crossed with a pole dancer but with added lameness (more pole dancer than mafia don tho..) I'm not sure about how I write Lazlo I'm just hoping everyone's in-character I set a lot in store by in-characterness I can forgive myself for murder (and bad grammar) but not writing out of character.