A/N:
Alright my lovelies, this is my first multi chapter fic and I have a lot in store for Miss Bella *laughs maniacally* Don't expect any angst here, this is pure fluff, fun and ridiculous situations. Join Bella as she navigates the world of dating ^_^
o~O~o
"Aaaah... Oh... Oh yeah. Just how I like it. Feels so good. Mmmm."
I love the way bubble baths feel. So relaxing after a hard week's work. I sit back and inhale the vanilla and brown sugar scent of my favorite bath soap. Mmmm, yeeaah.
I make a mental checklist of things I need to do tomorrow. Re-organize my closet and kitchen pantry... Go return a few books to the library. Can't have any overdue books on my clean record... Get some sun-dried tomatoes and feta cheese from the market... Watch Chopped on The Food Network. Love those shows... Buy a new air freshener for my car. Oh! I need a toothbrush too. It's been the ADA recommended three months... Pre-pack my lunches for the week. It saves so much money and time... Hmm, I think I'll buy a food dehydrator and a vacuum sealer...
My arm reaches out and grabs my newest purchase: The Dome by Stephen King. Each week I buy a book to read for my Friday night bubble baths. I usually get so engrossed in the words on the page, that I finish in one night.
I look back at the clock and take note of the time. 8:26 p.m. I'm surprised Rose, Alice and Angela haven't called yet. Bitches are always hounding me to go out. Can't they see that I just wanna relax? My eyes flutter closed and I sigh contentedly as I feel the tension leaving my body. Oh yeah. I pop open the book, excited to conquer my latest find. Two pages in and someone's pounding on my door, pulling me out of the captivating world that Stephen King has created. What. The. Fuck?!
I decide to keep reading. Probably some drunk fool with the wrong address. One sentence later and the pounding continues relentlessly.
"Belllllaaaa! Bella, open the door! We know you're in there, skank!"
I scowl towards the front door. Alice. Fucking midget. Maybe if I stay super quiet, she'll think I went out for the night...
"Bellllaaaa!!! I'm not leaving and I know your funky ass is in there! I'll pound on the door all night if I have to!"
I sigh loudly and growl and grumble while I throw my robe on and head to the door, wrenching it open forcefully. I plan on cussing Alice out, but before I can even open my mouth, Alice, Rose and Angela barge into my house with duffle bags and caboodle cases. The hell?
"Uh, what the hell are you guys doing? What is all this crap? Shouldn't you guys be at the club?"
"What we are doing, Bella," Rose points a finger at me accusingly, "is making you get a social life. No arguments. We won't take no for an answer."
Angela walks toward me and places a gentle hand on my shoulder. "We love you, Bella. You can't coop yourself up in the house all the time. You have to get out there and experience life. You're so young, have fun!"
Alice grabs my hand and walks me over to the couch. "Bells-a-boo, we wanna make a deal with you. Hear us out because we won't back down on this."
I sigh and throw myself back into the couch and throw my hands over my head.
"Fine. What? What's the deal?"
Alice smiles brightly and squeaks out, "Are you agreeing?!?!"
"Yeah, Alice. Damn. Get on with it."
"Okay, so, as you know, you never go out. When was the last time you had sex, Bells?"
"Fuck that," Rose interrupts. "When was the last time you even kissed someone, Bella?"
I think back to the last time I was kissed... Hmm... Last Christmas, under the mistletoe. Damn, nine months ago?!
"That long, huh?" Angela asks, voice filled with pity.
"En-tee-way, as I was saying," I look at Alice hesitantly, "you need to get out more. So from now on, we'll be setting you up on a blind date every Saturday."
"The hell?! EVERY Saturday? Are you guys freakin crazy?! No. Effin. Way!"
I can't believe them! Blind dates? I'm not that damn pathetic. I'm single because I choose to be, damn it!
"Isabella, you already agreed remember?"
"Yeah, Rose, but that was before I knew you'd be setting me up with freaks every weekend!"
"So what if a few of them turn out to be all wrong for you, it's not like you have to marry them. This is just for fun, plus, you get a free three course meal every Saturday. It's a win-win!" Damn Alice and her skills of persuasion.
I huff in annoyance and roll my eyes until they damn near pop out of my head.
"Fine!"
My three friends burst into hysterics. The room explodes with screaming, clapping and jumping like I just won a goddamn Oscar or something. Is my life that sad? Apparently so...
They then spend the next three hours tweezing, waxing, plucking, oiling and exfoliating me from head to toe until I'm about to knock a bitch out. Why am I letting them do this again?
"Okay, I've had enough! What the fuck, am I? Flavor Flav's long-lost white sister?! I don't need all of these stupid, ridiculous... superfluous beautifying treatments for someone I'm only gonna see one time!"
"Oooh, someone's a groopy grump! Turn that frown upside down!"
"Alice, if you keep talking like Barney, I swear I'll knock you into another nationality!"
They're seriously tap dancing on my last nerve and I'm gonna snap. Angela slowly backs away from me with her hands in the air like I'm about to rob her or something. I roll my eyes.
"Fine. We'll leave for now, but we'll be back tomorrow night before the date for hair, makeup, clothes and accessories"
"Thanks Al. Who am I going out with tomorrow, anyway?"
"His name is Michael," Rose says. "He went to high school with Em."
"So is he cute?" I ask.
"Yeah, REALLY freakin cute! I've only talked to him a few times, but he's cool. Don't worry about it, just have fun and see how it pans out."
I sigh in defeat. "Fine, I will. Now I need to sleep, you guys have ruined my night and I just need to lie down."
They all stand up to leave. As Rose is walking to the door, she stops mid-step, looks me up and down and says, "Hopefully you'll get those cobwebs knocked out of your cooch tomorrow."
"Get the hell out, skank!"
She laughs. "Fine, fine. I'm goin, I'm goin."
Alice gives me a hug and whispers, "You're gonna do great, this will be great for you Bells-a-boo. You took this a lot better than we thought you would. It's a sign, Bella. Your subconscious is telling you that you need this"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye Al."
They all shuffle out the door talking animatedly about what treatments and products they're gonna use on me tomorrow. I sink into my couch and put my face in my hands. What have I gotten myself into?
o~O~o
The next day flies by, much to my chagrin. It's five in the evening and I'm watching a Tivo'd episode of Down Home with the Neely's on The Food Network. They're making barbeque spaghetti and it looks good as hell. I'm licking my lips and salivating, wishing I could taste it. Smell it. Yum.
There's a knock on my door and I already know who it is. I roll my eyes, sigh and lazily pick myself up off the couch. It's gonna be a long night. I open the door and, once again, my friends come barging through. They get to it right away, no "hello's" or anything. I'm being pulled into my room. Curling irons, flat irons and blow dryers are being plugged in. Clothing is being tossed onto my bed and makeup is being chosen. All without my input of course. Grrr.
Twenty minutes later, Rose is doing something with my hair, Alice is commanding the makeup and Angela is giving me a mani-pedi. I didn't even get to pick the damn polish color! Damn Alice and her stupid, picky fashionista ways.
Two hours later and Alice deems their work officially done. I roll my eyes. What'd I look like before? Quasi Moto? I look in the vanity mirror and must say, they did a good job. My hair looks extra thick and super freakin' shiny. Like, mirror shiny. Whoa. I can't stop looking at it. I lift my hand to touch it because it looks silky soft.
"Ah, ah, ah! Don't you dare, Isabella Marie! No mussing up the hair!"
I roll my eyes. Stupid Alice. Won't even let me touch my own damn hair. I grumble and stand to look in my floor-length mirror and get a better view of the whole look. I look pretty damn hot, if I do say so myself. Smoky eyes, pale lips, some kind of loose looking, fancy half up-half down ponytail type hairstyle and a cute frilly dress.
"You look bangin', Bella!"
"Thanks, Rose."
They have me do a twirl to inspect me and make sure nothing was out of place.
"Alright chica, we're all done and he should be here any minute so--"
She was cut off by my house phone ringing, so I go to answer it. It's probably Charlie.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Isabella?"
"Yes, this is she..."
"Okay, good. Um, this is Michael. We're going on a date tonight...?"
"Oh! Yeah, hi! Is something wrong?"
"Oh no, nothing like that. I won't be able to make it, though. Can you come over to my place?"
"Um, I don't know about that."
"Please? I'll be on my best behavior. I'll give you my address and you can give it to your friends, so they can know where you are."
Well, that's reasonable.
"Okay Michael, I'll come."
"Great! Thanks!"
He then gives me his address and we hang up.
"WELL???" Alice practically screams.
"He can't make it to the restaurant, so he wants me to meet him at his place. I have his address and I'll write it down for you guys, so you know where I am," I shrug.
They look kind of hesitant but agree to let me go. I inwardly roll my eyes. Like they could stop me if I really wanted to go, anyway. I'm a grown ass woman. I give them his address and phone number and head out to my car, putting the address in my GPS. Twenty minutes later, I pull up to his place. Nice. I knock on the door and a tall man with clear blue eyes and sandy blonde hair answers the door. Double nice!
"Ah, you must be Isabella!" he says while shaking my hand.
"And you must be Michael." I smile flirtatiously at him. "But please, call me Bella."
"Alright, Beautiful Bella," he winks at me. "Let's head on down to the basement. Wanna watch a movie?"
"Oh, sure."
We walk in silence until we get to the basement. Wow. It's all decked out with couches, a dining table, a fridge, a bed in the corner. This must be where his friends hang out.
"Whoa, Michael, this is ALL decked out! I'm impressed!"
He smiles sheepishly. "It's nothin'...so you wanna pick out a movie? Anything you like."
He shows me his collection and sits on a sofa. I walk over and look at the DVDs, all in alphabetical order. He's very neat. I like it! I finally decide on Fun With Dick & Jane. Nothing like a funny ass movie on a first date. I pop the movie in and sit next to Michael.
While the previews are playing, I ask him, "So why weren't you able to make it? Is something wrong with your car?"
"Ah, no. My car's fine."
Oooookaaaay.
"Then why weren't you able to make it?"
"I'm grounded," he shrugs.
Oh hell no. I know I didn't just hear what I thought I heard...
"Grounded?"
"Yeah..."
"Um, how old are you?"
"I'm 26, why?"
Why? Maybe because you're almost thirty and Mommy has forbidden your grown, crusty ass from leaving the house?
"Uuuuhhh...."
"MIKEY!!!"
"Oh, there's my mom. DOWN HERE, MA!"
I hear someone walking down the stairs
"Oh, Mikey, I didn't know you had a girlfriend! And a pretty one, too! Well, don't be scared! Gimme a huggie!"
Is she serious? "Mikey" is looking at me expectantly, so I hesitantly get up and give her a hug. She smells like cookies.
"Oh, honey, why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend? Are you guys having sex?" She turns to me. "I keep bugging Mikey to make me some grandbabies, but he just ignores me. I think he wants me to be lonely for the rest of my life."
Her eyes tear up and I don't know what the fuck to do. I say the first thing that comes to mind.
"Well, I'm sure you'll get some grandkids sometime soon."
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I want to shoot myself. Multiple times.
Her eyes light up like the 4th of July and she claps her hands together in elation.
"Oh, MIKEY!" She runs over and hugs Michael.
"Ma, calm down, okay? I'm hungry. Can you make us some dinner? Oh, and my laundry's over there..." He points to a dirty clothes hamper in the corner. What the fuck? Mama's boy to the max. Grown ass man can't even wash his own funky tighty-whities?
"Ma" leaves the room and I sit on the couch in front of the TV, pretending the last fifteen minutes didn't happen.
"So, Bella, do you want kids?"
Is he serious?
"No, Mike. Never," I lie.
"That's too bad. Your hips are perfect for having babies."
Did this mofo just call me fat?! Before I can even speak, "Ma" comes bounding down the stairs.
"Alright, you two love birds, dinner's ready! I made your favorite, Mikey. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and peas."
"Where's the ketchup?"
"Oh, I forgot. I'll be right back my princey-pooh"
"MA! I told you don't call me that when we have company! GOSH!"
"I'm sorry Mikey, I forgot," she says while pinching his cheek.
He smiles at her and kisses her cheek before she leaves the room. Whoa. Is this guy seriously twenty-six? Really?
"My mom's the best cook ever!" He beams with pride while stuffing his face. I have to admit, it IS really good.
After we've cleaned our plates, Michael yells,"MA! WE'RE DONE! TIME FOR DESSERT!" Is he freakin serious?
Not even thirty seconds later, "Ma" is rushing down the stairs.
"I brought cookies! Peanut butter, Mikey's favorite, and sugar. Everyone likes sugar cookies! Eat up dear, you're eating for two!"
I damn near choke on my cookie and Michael pats my back.
"Oh, no! The baby! Michael, hit her back HARDER, damn it! Don't let her choke! THE BAAAABY!!!"
Michael hits me hard as hell on my back and I think it's gonna bruise. Fucker. "Ma" disappears from sight and comes back with a glass of water.
"I was so worried! Oh, thank goodness you and the baby are okay!"
"Uuuuhhh...."
"Oh! Mikey, I almost forgot. Did you use your penis cream this evening?"
Penis cream? Oh. Hell. No.
She looks at me and says, "My Mikey's so forgetful. The doctor says he has to use the cream six times a day and if I don't stay on top of him about it, that rash will never heal!"
"MA! That's enough!" he yells.
Her eyes tear up and she runs up the stairs.
"Ma! Wait!" Michael runs after her and that's when I see it. Another door.
I grab my purse and some cookies, 'cause they're gooey and good as hell, and rush over to the mystery door. I don't give a damn if it leads me to Narnia, I need to get the hell out of here! I open it and almost cry happy tears. Outside! Yes!!! The door is on the side of the house, so I run to the front where my car is, get in and skid the hell out.
Oh, my God. What kind of fuckery is this? My phone rings and I'm pretty sure it's Michael. I turn it off and hit the gas. I'm not slowing down until my ass is home. Michael might follow me. Who the hell am I kidding? He's fucking grounded! I laugh out loud, a deep belly laugh that brings tears to my eyes. When I get home my phone is ringing, I walk over and see the caller ID. Alice. I pick up.
"Alice, I'm home. It didn't work out, he's a total... I don't even have words. Don't ask, I don't wanna talk about it." I hang up before she can say anything.
I plop down on my couch, pick up my book and start to read, willing this night to be over.
o~O~o
The next week passes without incident. My phone stays ringing off the hook. All week Rose, Angela, Alice, Michael and "Ma" have been calling nonstop. My friends left messages asking what happened, Michael left messages asking what he did wrong, and "Ma" keeps begging me not to take her grandbaby away from her and not to starve the baby.
Saturday evening rolls around and I decide to organize my scrapbooking collection when there's a knock on the door.
"Bellaaa! Bella, it's us! We've given you your space now let us in so we can get you ready! You have a date tonight! Don't think you're getting out of it!"
Oh. Hell. No.
o~O~o
A/N:
So there ya have it, Bella's first blind date from hell. What other weirdos are in Bella's future? Only time will tell :-)
What was your worst date ever? Maybe I'll use some of your horror stories and make Miss Swan suffer too. Hehehe!
Check out my one shot for The Littlest Peen Contest (it's in my profile) called The Motion in the Ocean and show me some lurve!
Twifans4Haiti is still going on, the deadline has been extended. So if you wanna feast your eyes to over 200 one shots, donate $5 dollars or more to the cause. I contributed a one shot myself entitled Earthquake that I'm most likely not gonna post here. It's exclusively in the Twifans4Haiti compilation. So donate, and make yourself feel warm and fuzzy inside! Visit mskathyff(dot)blogspot(dot)com for more information.
As always, props to my kickassingly awesome beta coachlady1, who coddled me while I threw tantrums and whined while writing this chapter. Srsly.
Now it's fic recommendation time! Yay!
Nighthawks and Wonderwalls by CherBella
Purgatory: A Love Story by americanxidiot
My Life to Be by sleepyvalentina
The Delivery by Savannah-Vee
...Until next time, babes! Smooches!