SUMMARY: And one time she did. "Have you ever thought that maybe we don't belong together, that maybe we're not together because we're not meant to be?"
DISCLAIMER: Glee isn't mine. If it was, this season Quinn wouldn't have been all like 'did I really have a baby last year with Puck? WTF, who is Puck? Whatever, I'm a cheerio and I have the blondest boyfriend ever'... So, definitely not mine...
Hello! I haven't posted everything in sooo long... It took me a LOT to write this, especially IV and V... I guess I didn't want it to be to cliche or cheesy, but it ended up to be just that! And I'm sorry if you find Puck to be OOC, but I believe he's good at heart and I actually find him difficult to write...
This is also my first Glee story, so I hope you go easy on me ;)
English isn't my first language, so forgive me for any typos... And I should stop using it as an excuse! :)
Hope you enjoy my story! And don't forget to review!
I
The first time they were both barely 16, teenagers.
She hardly knew what she was doing, what she was supposed to feel.
She had grown up in a Christian house: her parents were strict, wanted her to be perfect like her sister… She was a perfect Christian girl: went to church every Sunday and said prayers every morning and night, she was a straight-A student who got into the perfect college and out of Lima, she married the right guy after college, and was now living her dream life.
And no matter how much she tried, she couldn't live up to that level of perfection.
That's why she started dating Finn: he was sweet and loving, a gentleman, her parents adored him… So she learned to adore him too…
Her sister had been head Cheerio, so she became one too: it was exhausting and hard, she was sick and tired of hearing Sue telling her she had to be better, she had to be thinner… But every time she was out there on the football field or in the gym perfecting her moves, she felt free: while she was dancing she could forget about everything, and just live.
That was one of the reasons she entered Glee Club: it wasn't because she wanted to be supporting of Finn or because Sue needed a spy; it was also because she was jealous of Finn and Rachel, they were getting too chummy and she didn't like it; that would just ruin everything, make that thin wall of perfection she created around herself crumble into pieces.
One day Sue told her she was too fat, not perfect enough, she wasn't like her sister… So she snapped.
She went home. Her parents were somewhere praying, so she called Puck and told him to bring something to drink: he wasn't her best friend, far from it, but he was one of the few people who could make her feel good, make her laugh and feel.
She didn't know how it happened, it just did… One moment they were sitting on her couch talking and making fun of people, drinking wine coolers, the next they were on her bed and making out.
His kisses were hot, rough and gentle at the same time, they made shivers run down her spine; she wanted this, she yearned this, but it wasn't supposed to be right: she was afraid, afraid to get into him too deeply, afraid to get hurt. And besides, cheating was a huge sin…
"Life's just a bunch of experiences, you know? You don't get a medal at the finish line for being good. You just get dead". He was right, fuck everything. Fuck her reputation, fuck Finn and his cheesy lines and fakeness, fuck her parents who wanted her to be a virgin until her marriage. She didn't want to have regrets, she didn't want to arrive at her finish line thinking what could have been.
Plus, no one would know, he said so himself.
So she let him push her down and kiss her neck, she let him take her bra and panties off, she let him kiss her tears away and whisper into her ear while he entered her. She let him do everything he wanted, she opened herself to him, and she enjoyed it, not noticing he hadn't used protection.
Afterwards they laid in bed, wrapped in each other, his hot breath tickling her ear and her hand drawing circles on his chest. She should have cried, but she didn't… Because at that moment, everything felt right.
II
She had given her up. She had given up her baby, and nothing had ever felt as wrong.
She was beautiful: soft pink lips, face of an angel, her baby was a copy of herself; delivering her had been the biggest effort she had ever dealt with, but in the end it was worth it.
The moment the nurses put her baby in her arms, and she looked up at her laying her head on her shoulder, had been the best of her life. And then everything was taken away from her, so that all that was left was air where her baby used to be, so that heartache and longing were her only companions. So that nothing could fill the hole where her heart once was.
She had drained all the tears she had, and at the end it wasn't enough to feel okay again; she wanted to cry her pain away, like she did when she was little on her mother knees, but that only reminded her how her baby would never be able to do that with her.
So when the tears finished, anger started to make its way in her body: she had once learned that the human body is made 70% by water, but now she was sure that had been replaced with 70% of raw anger: she was angry with herself, because she thought everything would be alright, she thought she was as strong as the Quinn everybody knew, the Quinn that could part the crowd with her attitude.
But she was angry with him too… It was easier to blame him: because he was the immature one, and she had given Beth up because she wanted a brighter future for her baby; what could Quinn and Mohawk-boy offer her?
He was the one who couldn't commit himself to her, only because he was a sex shark and he had needs; had he ever thought of her needs? She was left wondering if everything they shared, the good stuff, was a lie… That was the only explanation.
He had once told her that she wasn't just another hook-up… She couldn't trust him; she had made that mistake once.
So when he came to her, during a hot August day, she took out all of her frustrations on him; he was like her personal punch bag.
Little did she know he was feeling just as bad as her, only he was good at hiding it.
"I told you I loved you! Did that mean anything to you?" said Puck, barging into her room.
"What?" replied Quinn. She was taken off guard: the last time she had seen him was that day at the hospital, when Shelby signed the adoption papers.
"I said: did me telling you I love you mean anything to you?".
She now stood up; she walked towards him, seeing red, then she slapped him.
"You have a lot of nerve! Do you know how I'm feeling right now? I have given my baby up for adoption two months ago! Do I look fine to you? Do you think you can just come in here and demand things like you own the place?". Every question she made was a slap on his chest. He didn't look happy about it.
"Well, you're not the only one who's suffering you know! I know how this feels, she was my daughter too!".
"No, you don't know how this feels! She wasn't in your stomach for more than 8 months! I was her mother!"
He was now walking towards the door. "I hate you!", screamed Quinn.
Seconds later, she found herself pressed to the wall, Puck looking down at her. "Didn't mommy dearest teach you not to tell lies?". And his mouth was feverishly finding hers, pulling her in a rough and passionate kiss and pushing her against the wall so that not even air could fit between them.
She kissed him back, and lost herself in him. Things escalated quickly, and they were now on her bed, a feeling of 'been there, done that' setting into her bones.
Only this time it wasn't like 11 months ago: everything was more rough, more passionate, if that was even possible.
She knew she shouldn't been doing that, giving into him again, but she just couldn't pull away; it was like being able to breathe after months underwater. She was a hypocrite. She promised herself she wouldn't do that again, and there she was.
"Use a condom", she said, breathless.
"Don't worry, I had a vasectomy". His eyes were full of lust.
"Make someone else believe that, not me. I know you. I know you want a baby in the future". Deep within herself she knew the truth: 'he wanted this baby' .
So they had sex. And it was a mess, it was wild and crude, sick and twisted, but it was real. It was them.
She knew that after they would ignore each other, she knew that it meant nothing.
They didn't cuddle like the other time, he just stayed there enough time to get his breath back and then ran away.
But she didn't cry. That would have just been a waste of the little water she had left. He would never change.
III
That day had finally come. It was graduation. High School was over.
And like Mr. Schue had once told her, life wasn't ending. In fact, she looked forward to her new life. She had been accepted into Ohio University; it wasn't that far away for Lima, but enough to give her the feeling on independence.
Of course, on her essay she hadn't written about her pregnancy; it felt like hiding away a part of who she was, but thinking about it, she often acted like it didn't happen too. And besides, she was sure that writing "I had a baby when I was 16 and gave her up" wouldn't make the best of impressions.
So it was the day of graduation. And she was sitting on a low wall near her house at sunset, wind wiping her hair, a beer in her right hand; she knew she wasn't supposed to drink, but she sometimes did it anyway… It reminded her of a certain afternoon 2 years before. She liked this moment. It was planned. She wanted to have a movie perfect moment, when 'the end' appears and names roll down the screen.
Sure, her life/movie hadn't been perfect, but this movie could have an open ending. She may even make a sequel.
Then she saw a car parking on the street. It was Puck's car.
This wasn't part of her perfect ending. She wanted a calm finale, not a suspenseful one. They weren't on what she would call good terms. They tried being together in Junior year, after she broke up with Sam, but it just didn't work out. So they started going out with other people, slowly growing apart, until there was so much left not said between them they didn't even try.
They still talked, sure, singed together in Glee, but were more acquaintances than friends.
He started making his way towards her, then stopped and sat down next to her. She passed him her beer, she didn't like it that much anyway. For all she knew, she was more of a drink- lady.
He swallowed a bit of it, then gave it back to her. He was more of a Jack Daniels-man.
They stayed like that, not talking, just watching the sunset and sipping beer, for a while. They didn't want to break the moment, afraid to ruin everything. For all they knew, that might have been their "last time" together.
Suddenly Puck broke the silence.
"So you're going away". It wasn't an accusation, just a statement.
"So you're staying here". She took another sip of beer. It was almost finished.
"Yeah. You know I think school is for suckers, so I just figured I'd stay here and find a job. Then, when I'll have enough time, I'll just get out of this hell of a town".
"Where do you want to go?" she asked.
"Dunno. I always wanted to live near the ocean. Maybe somewhere like California".
"And what are you going to do in California?".
"Enough with twenty questions Fabray. Let's talk about how we fell, you know, now that high school is finished", he said in a "comic" tone.
Were they really that much apart? Were they really left asking that kind of questions?
She felt sad. Before their hook-up, they were at least friends. Next he's going to ask me about the weather, she thought. Besides, she knew she'd have to do all the talking. He wasn't one to be open about his feelings.
"Fine, you know. I'm glad to be starting anew, about starting a new life. Just a little worried about fitting in in college, but other than that just fine".
They didn't talk for a few minutes. She knew he was thinking, so she let him be for a while, until he was ready to voice his thoughts.
"Do you… Do you think I could be a part of you new life?" he said in an almost-whisper.
Not now, please.
"Puck…" please don't do this now.
"No, seriously… Because I know I want you to be a part of my life. I need you to be a part of my life. And I know we've grown apart during Senior year, but… but I know we belong together, I know we're gonna be together someday… maybe not now or in ten years, but someday."
She hated to hurt him, she didn't want to, but at the end she always seemed to do it, even unintentionally.
She wasn't ready to be with him. She didn't know if she'd ever be ready to be with him. She loved him, sure, but it wasn't that easy. They weren't like Rachel and Finn, say 'I love you' and everything's gonna be okay.
"Have you ever thought that maybe we don't belong together, that maybe we're not together because we're not meant to be?". She looked at him, and his eyes where full of pain and sadness.
"I don't know. Maybe. But we can change our futures… I know you're not ready to be with me right now, but…when you are, you know where I am".
He stood up and said something she'd never forget: "I love you Quinn. I really do. And not because of something silly or because we had a baby together… But because I really do".
And in that moment, she really believed him.
"I love you too" she replied in a whisper. But he heard her, and smiled.
He walked away. And she was left with an empty bottle of beer and a broken heart. And she was the one who made it that way.
A tear was about to fall, but it didn't. They would be together one day, she was sure of it now.
IV
It was the day of her marriage. And she wasn't getting married to Puck.
She was now 25. She had always wanted to be married by 25. She thought it was the perfect age. She had achieved something.
She had gotten out of college; it had been a wonderful experience, but it ended.
And she had gotten out of Ohio; she now lived in New York, the Big Apple, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, like she had once sung in Glee.
Glee seemed a life away now. He seemed a life away.
The last time she had gone to Lima she was 23, right after finishing College, and she didn't want to go back there, ever; because going back would mean meeting him, of course, and she wasn't ready yet.
She thought she had been, once, when she was 22; ready to face him again, ready to be with him.
But she convinced herself that she wasn't, because going back to him would mean going back to her old life, the one she hated.
She knew she would always love him, but really, it was for the best.
And, truthfully, she was scared: scared that he had moved on, scared to find him with someone else, in love, married, not loving her anymore; maybe he had really moved to California and met a busty girl, one who was so much better than her.
Right after finishing college, she didn't know what to do, she was at a turning point, she was alone; then she remembered something Sue had once said, something about Madonna going to New York to seek fame with only 35 bucks in her pocket.
Sure, she had more than 35 bucks and didn't want to become a singer or whatever, but she thought it was a good point to start over.
So she moved to New York and created a life there. She was now a secretary to a lawyer, but she knew she was young and still could become someone important.
She met Ben when she was 24. He asked her to marry him after 6 months of being together, and she had said yes.
She didn't know if she loved him at the time, but she realized she did: it was a 'Finn' type of loving… She felt safe and loved, and it was enough.
She was thinking of what her life had become, a little while before walking down the isle, dressed in her virgin white dress, when suddenly she heard the door behind her open and close in a matter of seconds.
She felt the air shift, her breath getting caught in her throat… And she know who had just walked in.
Regardless, she was totally not ready for what she found in front of her: Noah Puckerman, panting and as handsome as ever.
She didn't know what to say… She was there, with her mouth forming a wide O, unable to form a sentence, her throat dry. And in that moment she realised: she had been waiting for this, for him.
Since Ben had proposed to her, she had dreamed (without realising) of him, barging in the church and demanding her not to marry the groom.
And her unconscious dream had now become reality.
He was now catching his breath, his eyes raking over her body, making her blush.
Suddenly she heard his voice; the same raspy voice she hadn't heard since she was 18 and sitting next to him sipping low-quality beer.
"Hi…". She could feel his uncertainty, the air was filled with tension, but peace too. It felt surreal.
"Hi", she said back, shyly. She felt like a little schoolgirl talking to her crush… Which wasn't so far from the truth, except the being little part.
The next thing she knew he was crossing the room, and she was deathly terrified: would he kiss her? If yes, what would she do? Kiss him back or shove him away?... Why was he here?
Her head was so full of thoughts that it wanted to burst.
But he didn't kiss her, not even close. And she was even less ready for what actually happened: he got to her and wrapped his arms around her small frame, and she put her head on his chest, inhaling his natural musk.
She was overwhelmed. It was all so soft, so romantic, so touching. Tears were gathering in her eyes, and she hardly ever cried… She remembered a time in her life when she spent all her days crying, but since that, she had shed tears 3 times maximum.
She firmly believed in heaven, so she was sure that was heaven was all about: being in his arms, feeling safe.
You're getting married today, she reminded herself. So she stepped back, clearing her throat.
"Pu- I mean, Noah… What are you doing here?" she said, voice shaky. Oh, how lame can you actually be, Fabra- Wait, I'm not going to be a Fabray in thirty minutes!.
"You can still call me Puck, you know… I mean, most people call me Noah now, but I guess you can still call me Puck, I don't mind, real-" he was rambling, that much she was sure of.
"Puck" she put emphasis on his name, interrupting him "what are you doing here? I mean, I haven't seen you in so long… I'm so sorry I didn't send you an invitation, but I wasn't sure you'd want to be here, you know…", she said, slowly.
"And why's that, Fabray?" he said, his voice taunting. So there was some old Puck left in there… Because old Puck surely didn't ramble.
She didn't reply, not sure how to… They both knew why, but it surely wasn't something she could just say: I didn't invite you because I was afraid, afraid to see you again… and ashamed, and guilty, and I may regret not coming back to you.
He went to look out of the window, to stare at the people that were slowly making their way in the church.
Then his voice filled the room: "You know, when your mom told me you were getting married I… I couldn't believe her. I mean, I knew you'd move on, but I never thought you'd get married…". It wasn't an accusation, it was just him letting out his thoughts aloud, something she had waited for a long time. Somehow, she never really knew what he was thinking, he was so mysterious… but maybe that was one of the reasons she lov- liked him.
She didn't talk, just sat down on of the chairs, waiting for him to continue.
"Somehow, I always thought you'd come back to me… I waited for you, just like I told you I'd do, but… You never came; and I'm not asking you to just run away with me, I mean, damn, I'd be really happy if you did, but… I know that if you're getting married is because you really love the guy". He turned around and his eyes found hers, and he began walking towards her, until he was really close.
"Puck, I… I'm sorry… I'm sorry I never came back, believe me, I wanted to but… I was afraid". Tears were streaming down her face, partly ruining her flawless make-up.
"Afraid of what?", now it was his turn to be confused.
"Afraid you moved on, afraid you were married or something… ". One of his fingers caught a tear that was making its way to her lips.
"I will admit, it's not like I've been celibate since we last talked…"
"I wouldn't expect you to be" she piped in, her lips forming a little smile.
"But they're meaningless girls, not like you… I have to go, Quinn. And you have to walk down that isle… Have a good life Quinn Fabray. I'll always love you" he whispered the last part, then brought his soft lips to hers, barely touching them.
This was goodbye.
He began walking to the door, and she turned around, not wanting him to see more of her cries.
"Quinn…".
She turned around quickly, waiting for him to do something. When had he developed a conscience? "Yes?".
"I'll always wait for you… When I told you we'd be together someday, I meant it"
And he walked out, closing the door behind him.
She sat on the floor, but stopped crying… He was right, they'd find their way back someday; but she was getting married, to a sweet and lovable guy, who was safe and loved her… She couldn't just run away and leave him at the altar, he didn't deserve it.
Life was so fucking unfair. And cruel.
V
Years went by, and Quinn's life got fucked up, really bad.
She was now 29, sans child, and she had just found out perfect-Ben had been cheating on her for a year…with some tattooed freak… How cliché.
It really was true girls always marry boys like their fathers.
Plus, her carrier was slowly going down the drain too.
She was desperate.
When lawyers delivered divorce papers, she cried for the whole day, eating ice-cream, the Chinese take-out from around the corner and watching "Titanic" and "Gone with the Wind".
How pathetic.
She considered staying with Ben, put up with him, because, really, who would want her now? And she wasn't ready to start a new life, what would she do?
But then she thought: "I'm Quinn fucking Fabray" and could almost hear his voice "and nobody can do this to me and get away with it".
So she signed divorce papers, and tried to continue with her life.
But she then realized she didn't belong in New York: sure, it was a great city and all, but it wasn't for her.
So she decided to go back to Lima… It was against everything she had built up in the past years, but it was the only option she could think of: she'd find a good job, she had friends there (besides Finn and Rachel, who lived in L.A.), and then there was him.
Her mother now gave her news about him (and her other friends), because she sensed something happened between Puck and Quinn on Quinn's wedding day: he still lived in Lima, where he opened his own mechanic shop; she also knew he was single, even though he had been with a girl for some time.
She wanted him back, she'd ask him for a second chance. She hoped he'd still want her, he'd still be waiting for her.
She arrived in Lima in the middle of July, and it was really hot, sweat plastering her forehead.
She got a job at some kind of shop, but her mother told her she'd help her find something better: Fabrays don't work in shops. They at least own them.
She was waiting for the right time to go and talk to him, to ask for his forgiveness, or at least his friendship.
She needed him. She hadn't realized this until the day he came on her wedding, but she really did; she missed his cockiness; she missed the way he could be a jerk one moment and really sweet the moment after; she missed trying to figure out what he was thinking, what he was feeling; she missed his voice… She missed everything about him.
But she was still afraid, after all this time; 18, about to go to university, and afraid… 29, divorced, no child, starting from zero again, and still afraid.
She was such a cliché… And she once thought she was different from the other girls, she was so special she'd find a prince charming who'd never cheat on her… She'd had her whole life planned out since she was 9, she dreamed of so many things, which, turns out, were uneccessary.
Those weren't real dreams, it was just her having silly visions.
Now she had true wishes.
She deserved this; she put up with all this shit for what, to just back away because she was too scared?
"Life's just a bunch of experiences, you know? You don't get a medal at the finish line for being good. You just get dead".
She found him in his shop, on lunch break, surrounded by cars. He seemed in his element; she had always thought he'd be good with that kind of stuff.
She was still far away from him, but she could see he was all dirty, under an old Camarro fixing something.
She didn't know what to do: she couldn't just walk to him, tap on his foot, wait for him to notice her and then just say:"Hey, I'm back".
At the end she did just that, only without the "I'm back".
When he saw her, his eyes widened, his mouth forming a wide O.
He hadn't changed much: still handsome, same deep brown eyes, only without the mohawk.
She couldn't stop moving, she was too nervous: her right food was tapping on the dirty floor, her hand fidgeting.
"Hey, isn't that Quinn Fabray" he said, his right eyebrow arched, a smirk playing on his lips "Never thought I'd see you again".
He was now standing up, hugging her. Oh, how I feel comfortable in his arms.
"Well, I'm here… I came back", she answered in a small voice, all the long speeches she had planned out of her mind. He tended to have that effect on her.
"And why's that, Miss Fabray?".
"Well, first Ben cheated on me, with some… tattooed freak". She saw a smile on his lips.
"Really? I've heard that before" referring to her mom and her sorry excuse for an husband.
"Well, yes. Guess things like this run in the family… anyway, I was saying" she said back, her right hand toying with her hair "Ben cheated on me, so I divorced him and came back to Lima, which I'm not too excited about but- but I realized I had something to do here", her voice went down at the end.
This was the dreaded moment. This would decide her future…
"And what might that be?". She saw him gulp, obviously he was kind of nervous too.
"Puck, I know I'm late, and I'm so sorry, and I'd understand if you wanted me to just disappear, because seriously, even if you were really a jerk back then, I was truly a bitch to you…. And maybe you have someone else, who you love, and I don't really know you anymore, but I'd like to, because I really want a second chance and-", she was talking really fast, not breathing in between, so she was kind of unprepared when Puck leaned down and kissed her. A real kiss, a magic kiss, the one when fireworks explode and names roll down the screen.
He broke the kiss and whispered, resting his forehead on hers:"You know you're the only one I loved, there's a reason I waited… I love you".
Tears were suddenly in her eyes:"I love you too… I love you".
He bent down and kissed her again; they kissed for a few minutes, tears on her cheek.
"Hey, why are you crying babe?", he asked.
"Well, I'm so happy… This IS my fairytale moment!". Huge smiles crossed their faces.
"Well, I hope you don't get too used to fairytale moments… Pucksaurus really can't live in a chick-flick, Fabray".
She laughed:"I can't believe you still call yourself that!".
She went back to kissing him, just savoring him: of course, starting back would be difficult, getting to know him again, but with him by her side, she wasn't afraid anymore.
She didn't get her prince charming, but Dark Prince could be her type now.
Plus, he was behaving so sweetly… Then, he drew her closer, making this thing with his tongue that—no, he was definitely still the same.
So, what's your opinion? Don't be shy ;)