Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all of it, I own none of it. I'm not making any money off it either. If I were, I'd probably be doing something more exciting than sitting at home on the computer.
A/N: Hello! So this is my first HP fanfiction that I've posted. I would appreciate your comments, but please go easy on me! Now, on to the fiction!
Remus looked from the doorway with an almost fatherly look in his eyes. There stood the son of a fellow marauder and Harry's first serious relationship. He had always hoped that Harry would take after James rather than Sirius in the relationship department. James had found Lily early in life and he could only hope that Harry would share that happy fate. He smiled as he felt Nymphadora's (only he could get away with calling her that) hands come around his waist from behind as she stood on her tiptoes to get closer to his face. She gave him a slight peck on the cheek and then started whispering in his ear.
"It's nice to finally see him with a bit of happiness isn't it?" Remus could only nod he couldn't agree more. He had been through so much in his young life and he deserved every kind of happiness he could get, and he couldn't think of anybody better to give it to him than the youngest Weasley girl.
He was stirred out of his thoughts by yet another message from Tonks. "You know, someone is going to have to talk to him soon". Remus, now slightly worried turned to face his girlfriend, and decided to confirm his fears. "What do you mean, talk?"
"Well, you know, I imagine what with everything going on nobody's given him The Talk."
"Please tell me we aren't thinking about the same Talk"
"I'm afraid so, Remus. He needs to know about that stuff, and he looks up to you." Tonks said as a slight smirk came to her face.
"You know, I really don't like you very much right now".
"Yes you do," she said as she gave him a small peck on the lips, "and I'm sure you'll thank me later when Harry tells you something about his first time with a girl and you feel all that fatherly pride that you love so much."
He still glared at her, but it was bellied by the grin that laced his mouth. Tonks then left him to face his dilemma by himself and almost missed the barely missed whisper "Well, there's no time like the present" and the determined look set on his face. She just shook her head and giggled to herself thinking it might be fun to watch, but then decided that she wouldn't do that to Remus, but the thought was tempting just the same.
Remus continued to quietly look on as Harry finished saying his goodbyes to Ginny. He watched as Harry gave her a tight hug and a small peck on the lips as Ginny turned the other direction to walk out the door.
"Hello, Remus" Harry said a bit embarrassedly as he shut the door. Remus just responded with a simple "We need to talk" and turned to walk toward the kitchen. Harry was a bit taken aback by his shortness with him, but decided to follow him into the kitchen just the same.
"Sit." Remus barked out as he ran a hand nervously through his hair, reminding Harry, surprisingly, of himself.
"What's this all about, Remus? What's going on?"
"Hopefully nothing, yet" was the soft mumble that Harry barely caught from under Remus' breath.
"Harry, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, Remus, I suppose." Harry said with a wary look in his eye.
Remus began very slowly, "Harry, how much do you know about sex?"
Harry was quite shocked to say the least. Maybe he had misheard, but he didn't think so. Surely not. Surely Remus wasn't going to try to give him The Talk. A resounding (yet disbelieving) "What?" rang through the room as Harry stared incredulously at Remus.
"Well, erm, you see, I'm pretty sure you know where babies come from, and, well, erm, I think things are getting serious between you and Ginny," Remus stared to build a little more confidence here, "and well, I think I need to make sure you're going to be okay when you finally reach that level with a girl." Then Remus had a shocking thought. "You haven't already reached it, have you".
"Merlin, no!" Was all Harry was able to say at that exact moment, though if it was a reply to Remus' question or a cry of denial, one couldn't be sure.
"Well, um, right then. Um, so what exactly do you know?"
"Do you think you could specify a little?" said Harry snappishly, as he was becoming quickly uncomfortable with this situation.
"Well, um, do you know the, erm, mechanics of it?"
"If you mean do I know that my, erm, thing goes in her, um, hole…thing, then yes, I know that much"
Remus, at this point, didn't know whether to be relieved that he didn't have to explain that or horrified that he was using the terms "thing" and "hole" to describe the human's more intimate parts. He decided to settle for relief and cautiously moved on.
Now, Harry had heard stories of The Talk, and had been relieved that he had never had to endure it, but when he returned to school, he felt he would have the story to top all stories...thing is, Remus wasn't close to done.
"Right, so we'll move on to protection then." Harry grimaced.
"What do you know about condoms?"
"Condoms?"
"Yes"
"Aren't those muggle?" Harry had to ask
"Yes they are, but are of good use to you since you can't do magic outside of school. There also good if you are going to venture outside the wizarding world. "
"Well then no, I don't know much about them" Harry admitted reluctantly.
Remus took a deep breath and decided to just give him the straight forward answer. "They're a rubber sheath that goes over your penis that traps your semen when you ejaculate so that you have a lower risk of getting STDs or getting your girl pregnant."
A small "Oh" was all Harry could manage as he sank lower into his chair hoping to disappear.
Then, the unthinkable happened. Remus pulled out his wallet and pulled out two condoms that he kept there. He then handed one to Harry and began to pace around the kitchen. He then found what he was looking for and brought a big, ripe, yellow banana over to Harry and dropped it in front of him. "Now, put the condom on the banana." Remus commanded slipping into teacher mode. It was about then that Harry decided that he had had quite enough of this. "No, Remus! I'm not going to put a condom on a banana! I think I'll be able to manage just fine." He ended with a grumble.
"Okay then, Remus began nervously, if that's so, do you have any questions?"
Harry could only stare blankly. True, he didn't have a lot of experience, well actually none at all, but he had spent the last six years in locker rooms. He felt like he'd be okay.
"No, Remus, I'm fine."
Remus then gave a great sigh of relief and stated with a smile "Well, I'm glad we had this little talk" and he exited the room, grabbing the banana as he left as a reminder. He figured it would last a while under a stasis charm. He made his way upstairs to Tonks' and his bedroom. When he arrived there he took another deep breath and let it out slowly. Tonks couldn't help but laugh at him to herself and laughed out loud as he offered her the banana. He figured there was no real need to keep it. Nothing could rid this memory from him. What he didn't know is that Tonks had given into her temptations and had heard the part about the banana at the end, and she had let perverted humor overtake her. So it was completely unexpected when Tonks walked over to Remus, gave him a bruising kiss, and quietly proclaimed, "You know, I rather like bananas" as she dragged him over to the bed for a long night of his own sex education.