A/N – Another random fic, this one in Radu POV. PG13. Several days before the attempted assassination of Ion, Radu, desperate for a means out, goes to confession. Think worst-case scenario fic. It's one of those. Because we all love torturing poor Radu.

Sacrilege

By PikaCheeka

I always dreamed of snow. Stupid, really, living where I do, but it was always something I longed to see. Real snow. Not the ashes settling over ruins after a city is reduced to nothing. I never told anyone but Ion. Ion who looked at me sadly and smiled. Ion who said someday we would go to Germanicus and see snow. That was before he became earl and quickly forgot. Now it snows in my mind as I stumble through the lamp-lit streets so far from home. He will die, I will kill him, he will die by my hand.

Why had they picked me? I'm not the only Methuselah in the Order. A silver knife was what they gave me. I can't. I won't. I quit. I stop in front of a dim tired church with a door halfway up an alley. Everything is tired. And I move towards it without thinking. What they taught terrans? Confess and you will be saved. What about Methuselah? What about me? Does God even see us under all this snow?

You're going crazy, Radu.

No. You're trying to do what is right.

I hesitate and close my eyes. Will I die? What happens if we enter sacred ground? If it is sacred. If God even cares about the terrans. Will I…live? Do I even care any longer? So I go. Past the threshold into blinding cold, the path of the falling Methuselah. And I touch the holy water out of morbid curiosity and laugh as nothing happens. Such lies they believe.

"Methuselah." Husks of death, empty shells of insects across the floor.

Confessional. There is a priest inside. It is right there and I cannot see him, the wall of my sins between us. "Yes." I whisper. "Am I not welcome?"

"You are as welcome as the rest. You are only another child of God here."

Why do you sound so dead? But I do not ask. I only step inside and the door closes behind me. Even in the darkness the snow howls.

"I will not tell a soul what you speak of. Here it is you, me and God."

I say nothing. If he knew. If he knew he would not say so. "Do you swear?"

"Swearing is sinful. I understand though, and yes. Even if you have killed."

What do you know, preacher, about killing? "I see snow." I whisper and lean my head against the wall. It all hurts.

"Snow?" I smile weakly at his confusion.

"Sin."

"Ah."

"I am about to do something…evil." Ion. My little Ion. "Or maybe it is good."

"What is it, son?"

Son. Yes. No. "The world is changing. Do you believe it can hold all of us? Human and Methuselah?" I clear my throat and shudder. "Is peace possible? Or are we only prolonging the pain, the fear, the tension? I feel as if God has forgotten us. As if…"

"He ended the world once and won't bother to again?"

Sickness washing over me. I am thirsty, I realize dully. "How…"

"It is a common question. You are not alone."

I sigh. It is to be expected. He has likely heard it all. "Some people believe He's gone. And He will only return in the end times. They say we must bring about the end times in war. A great war, a final war. Then the Messiah will come again. And we will begin anew, in the Garden, again…" I break off, choking. I can't breathe. Snow suffocating. Why?

"But what do you believe?"

"I…don't know anymore. I was, I am, with them. But now it isn't so easy anymore."

"With them?" he sounds intrigued.

"The Contra Mundi." And the cold wraps around me so much I gasp. "I wanted…freedom, a new world where we were safe. I desire to live in the City. Jerusalem. The humans and the Methuselah each want the world to themselves, but they refuse to fight for it. We can never have peace until the tension passes. In war."

"War. Is that your sin?" he takes it well.

"More." It hurts so badly now I have to keep moving, keep from freezing. Snow, ice, Ion. "I have to kill him."

"Who?"

"Ion."

"You-"

"I love him." I cut him off, crying out.

"Then do not kill him."

"I must. He is…the enemy." Tears now, though from pain or Ion I do not know. It is all the same. "I love him." I say again.

"Is he your brother?"

"No. Only a friend." Only. Even I hear the bitterness.

"You don't love him."

I stop breathing. It is the priest. Not the priest.

"You and your sentimental weeping! If you truly loved him, you wouldn't be in the Contra Mundi Order. How would he feel?"

"I…" Die. Die die die. The world. Me. Him. Ion.

"You just want to do that thing to him. I dare say, do it. He'd let you. He might cry a bit but he'll cry when you slip that knife up under his ribs, too." He laughs now, high-pitched.

I know him. "Dietrich." The Devil.

"Very good. I'm delighted, Radu. Now when are you going to keep your mouth shut?"

Dietrich is above me in the Order. The Order I just betrayed in my misery. He could have me executed. Maybe that is what I deserve. "I can't do this."

"Oh, you'll do it." He whispers through the wood. "Because Ion doesn't love you. You are only his friend. Maybe only his servant. He will never see you as you see him. He will love a girl, a terran."

Get out. I want to throttle him, drink him dry. He cannot physically beat me. He is weak physically, useless. It is all in his brain. He gets in my head. Makes me cold. I do not want to do that to Ion. No. Never. "I hate you."

"Now that's a pity." But he sounds delighted. "What would Cain do if he knew?"

"Cain tolerates you as long as you are useful." I hiss. It is a lie though.

He is untouched. "I will always be useful. Unlike you. What are you doing in a church, vampire?"

Vampire. I see how he plays. "Terran. I have as much right as anyone does."

"Tell that to God. If you make it to heaven." Laughter again.

I cannot stand it any longer. I will try to kill him if I wait any longer, if the cold does not kill me. I open the door and step into the side aisle. Dietrich is already there, wearing a priest's collar. He is perverse with his demon eyes. And he links arms with me and walks me to the door, chattering amiably about nothing. He does not stop laughing and I wish him dead a thousand times. But God ignores me.

He always does. And the whiteness swirls around me so much I almost fall into the alley. I glance up and see the Devil leaning out the door. The Devil is all I will ever know. Because he is the only one who still watches our world. This is why…why I must still do this. Why I must create this war. Bring God back. End the cold forever.

"Oh, and Radu?"

"What?" Breath tight in my throat as I speak. I hate him.

"Have you ever wanted to see…snow?"

End note – Dietrich creates the lust for Ion. I see Radu as a very pure man. But it is something Di would zero in on. It also could mean blood-drinking. I leave it open.