A/N v.2: Purge Purge Purge. It's weird, I thought my A/N's started getting shorter once I wasn't such a fresh, new writer anymore. Hm.

So this is my fail attempt at a crackfic. I have to thank RandomKiwi for this, as she's the one whotold me to write a crackfic. This probably isn't a good crackfic. In fact, it probably isn't a crackfic at all. Also, I know it's cliche, but bear with me, yeah? The title of this comes from Miyuli on deviantART. She's drawn a comic called Don't Lick It. I haven't read it yet, but it inspired the title.

This is more of a hard T than an M, but I'm super super SUPER paranoid. M for a lot of innuendo. [And I prob just spoiled the ending. Oops.]

Reviews are awesome. First 10 reviewers get a commishfic of their choosing, within the parameters I PM to you. Giftfics should start coming out soon, I have some written, some in the process, and once I find some time to sit down with my journal and comp and just type, I'll get those up.

So...yeah. Enjoy Don't Lick It! :)

Don't Lick It!

"Unhand me this instant, Raito-kun!"

Matsuda froze outside the kitchen, horrified but still perversely curious. That was obviously Ryuzaki's voice, and it seemed that Raito-kun was with him. What was going on?

"No, Raito-kun, don't take it out! It's mine, stop that! No, don't—You took it out."

"Should I take this off, too?"

"No, you shouldn't. Why are you taking it off? Stop taking it off!"

"It appears to be stuck. I think I'll have to use scissors to get it off."

"You'll ruin it if you use scissors! Don't go near it with scissors! Stop cutting it off! You're killing it! No, don't!"

There was a moment of silence, interrupted only by the occasional snip, snip of the scissor.

"You actually cut it off."

"How else was I supposed to get it off, Ryuzaki?"

"I can't believe Raito-kun actually cut it off.'

"Look at you. You're so desperate and I haven't even started yet."

Suddenly, Matsuda blushed as he realized what was going on. Images began flashing through his mind, and he was a little ashamed to admit that not all of them were unpleasant.

"Do you want it, Ryuzaki? Do you want this?"

"Yes, Raito-kun! I want it! Give it to me!"

"I don't know if you deserve it. Maybe you should make me."

"This is highly unfair, Raito-kun. Here I am, restrained, defenseless, and unable to do anything, and there you are teasing me. I demand you stop it right now."

"It's not my fault you didn't notice the cuffs until they were on your wrists."

"Of course I noticed them. But I never dreamed Raito-kun would use them on me."

"Ryuzaki, you would use them on me the first chance you got, and we both know it. In fact, you already have used them on me. You should know better, really."

Matsuda blushed, mortified. He had never thought Ryuzaki and Raito-kun were so kinky.

"Well, Raito-kun should stop being such a tease."

"That reminds me. Should I lick it? I think I should. I think I'm going to lick it." There was a long, drawn-out slurp. "Ryuzaki, it's so good! So hard and delicious! I love it."

"Please stop this, Raito-kun. I understand you are upset about last night, but this is no way to get revenge. In fact, this isn't even revenge! It is torture, Raito-kun. Torture!"

"Think twice before pissing me off next time, then. Now, this tastes so good, I think I'll suck it."

"You know what? I know longer care. Raito-kun can do whatever he wants to it."

"Fine. I will. Thank you, Ryuzaki."

"No! I didn't mean it! Stop!"

"You said you didn't care."

"I was being defiant! Raito-kun, stop! No, no, no! Don't keep sucking! Please stop, Raito-kun!"

"I don't think so. I rather like the flavor."

Matsuda's face was bright red by now. He wanted to leave, but for some sick reason, his feet would not move.

There were a few minutes of silence, broken only by Ryuzaki's now-harsh breathing and a whimper, before Raito spoke again. "Delicious."

"I know."

There was a rustling sound, and Matsuda was almost afraid to imagine whatwas happening. Several dirty scenarios made themselves known to him, causing his cheeks to burn even brighter until he looked like a tomato.

"Do you want this?"

"Not really. Not anymore."

"Too bad. You're getting it anyway, especially after the fuss you made. Consider it your punishment. Now open your mouth, Ryuzaki, or I'll open it by force."

"Raito-kun, this has gone far enough. I demand you release—" The rest of the sentence was cut off by a muffled gurgling noise.

"Yes, that's right, Ryuzaki. Suck it, just like that. You were right, you know. Earlier was indeed torture. But at the same time, it was all part of the revenge. But look at the pleasure in your eyes, Ryuzaki. Secretly, you enjoy this, don't you? You like this, I can tell. Yes, just like that. I wonder how much weight the table can hold?"

Okay, enough was enough. Matsuda was…not alright, per se, but tolerant of Ryuzaki and Raito-kun giving each other blowjobs in the kitchen, provided they cleaned up after themselves and left no evidence of the fact. But having full blown sex in the kitchen, on the table where everyone ate, was simply pushing it. He had to take control of the situation before it got out of hand. So he squared his shoulders, glued a frown onto his face, pushed down his blush, ignored the mental voice that was currently screaming "Don't go in there! Don't go in there!" and barged into the kitchen.

"Ryuzaki! Raito-kun! Enough is—what?" he trailed off as the scene in the kitchen finally registered with him.

Ryuzaki sat handcuffed to a chair. He was fully clothed. Raito stood in front of Ryuzaki, holding the end of a half-eaten lollipop that Ryuzaki currently had in his mouth. He was fully clothed, too. On the table were a pair of scissors and a decimated lollipop wrapper. Both men looked at Matsuda curiously.

Ryuzaki was the first to speak. "Matsuda-san, what are you thinking?"

"But, I swore I heard—The table! Why were you curious about how much weight the table could hold, Raito-kun?" Matsuda asked, trying to make sense of the situation.

"To plan the next stage of my revenge. Which would have been to leave Ryuzaki handcuffed to the table with his favorite sweets just out of reach," Raito-kun said, looking annoyed. "Now I'll have to come up with another plan. Thanks for that, Matsuda-san."

Matsuda blushed slightly in apology, but the words barely registered with him. "Last night! What happened last night?" he asked desperately. He knew that if he were to look in a mirror, his eyes would look slightly crazed.

"Ryuzaki managed to fall asleep, but he also managed to kick me out of bed," Raito-kun answered again. This time his glare was directed at Ryuzaki.

Matsuda groaned. He poured himself the glass of water that he had come to the kitchen for in the first place. "I think I'll leave now," he said, and quietly slunk out.

"Wait, you don't think he thought we were having sex or something, do you?" Raito asked once Matsuda was out of earshot.

"That is exactly what Matsuda-san was thinking," Ryuzaki replied. "You know, that's actually a pretty good idea. Why have we never thought of having sex in the kitchen?"

"I don't know," Raito said absently, flipping through their earlier conversation to see if it had really sounded that suggestive. He colored slightly. "Kami, we really did sound like we were having sex!"

"And now I'm horny," Ryuzaki deadpanned. "Bedroom. Now."

Matsuda never knew how right he had been in his misconstrued assumptions.

FIN