I don't own Dungeons & Dragons.

Dipshits & Dumbasses: The First Adventure

Ch. 1

"So," said Vernon, "Joe's tonight?"

"As long as he's cool with it," said Wayne. "I'll ask him during English."

"Who's DMing?" Adam asked. "Joe or I either one could if you don't want to, since you do it pretty much every time."

"No," said Wayne. "I don't mind. Besides, I've got something good planned."

"We need to let Allen know, too," said Doug.

"He doesn't get a choice," said Blake

"Alright," said Adam, "not that I want like a sausage-fest or anything, but can we please have no girlfriends this time?"

"What's wrong with having them play, too?" Vernon inquired. "How many guys can say they've actually played Dungeons & Dragons with girls?"

"Probably more than you'd think," said Adam, "but you know how it is every time they play. For one thing, we never get all of us when we say we will, then someone has to go pick up so'n'so, then someone else has to go get these people, then we have to make a Taco Bell run, then the phone rings or someone gets a text or whatever, and by the time we're actually ready to start it's usually 12:30 or 1:00 and we never get anything done."

"Ok ok, you've got a point," admitted Wayne. "Alright, I'll spread the word; no women tonight."

"Just think," said Doug, "if none of us had girlfriends at all, instead of them just not being there, it would truly be DnD the way it was meant to be."

"A bunch of sex-starved nerds playing with little dice," said Blake. "Sounds about right to me."

"Call yourself a nerd all you want," said Doug. "I kick ass."

"On three?" Adam prompted. The others nodded. "Doug," Adam said. Then one by one, he, Blake, Vernon, and Wayne built a seventh chord as they sang to Doug, "You're a bitch." Then the bell rang which signaled the end of lunch.

"Alright, since we're doing this like we used to," said Wayne once the group was convened around a table in the front room of Joe's house, "this will be a level-1 campaign. If I'd thought to say so at school we could've already had characters written up."

"Proof that you're a dumbass," said Adam. "It doesn't take that long though."

The boys sat at the table hunched over their character sheets, each one with a Dungeons & Dragons Players Handbook 3rd Ed. open by their side.

"Joe, what are you doing?" Wayne asked as Joe set his pencil down and got up. Then he saw that Joe was setting up an easel with a dry-erase board. "Oh, never mind." As the rest continued to write up their characters, Joe began to draw.

"Oh, goddammit, Joe," said Doug as he, too, finished his character.

Once everyone finished, Joe got their attention.

"Here it is, guys: the honorary penis." He stepped aside to reveal a huge penis he had drawn on the board. "Nice and veiny."

"Jesus Christ," said Allen. "Can we get on with it?"

"Yes," said Wayne. "Joe, get rid of that. Alright, so before we start let's go around and tell our names, races, and classes. We'll just go clockwise around the table, so Allen, we'll start with you."

"Ok," said Allen. "I shall be Lukrain Evergreen, and I am a Human Barbarian."

"I," said Joe, "am Himo Augustus, and I am a High Elf Druid."

"Heian," said Adam, "Wood Elf Sorcerer."

"Naïlo, Half-Elf Ranger," said Vernon.

"Hrothgar," said Doug, "Dwarf Fighter."

"Flin, Human Cleric," said Blake.

"Alright," said Wayne, "and I'll NPC my Half-Elf Monk Exq."

"So we're set," said Blake. "Let's do this."

"Ok, but first," Wayne interjected, "a magic trick. See this quarter?" He showed them the coin. "I will now force it through this table."

"Have you seen this before?" Doug whispered to Blake. "This is a good trick."

Wayne fiddled with his fingers in a showy, stage-magicianly way, and demonstrated the solidity of the table. He then set the coin face down on its surface, and raised his hand to strike it. At the moment of impact, when his fist hit the table, everything was plunged into darkness.