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Time Passes

They were rounding the far turn, headed for home, seven lengths ahead of the field and pulling away when the Black stumbled. Alec pulled him up, did what he could to help the stallion regain his footing and, barely, the horse recovered but his rhythm was interrupted and by the time he was back in full stride the field had caught up with a scant furlong to go to the wire.

Alec urged him forward, detecting no break in his gait and no favoring of any of his feet but his hesitation communicated itself to the horse and his unsureness was telegraphed through the reins. The other horses were crowding around them, not wanting to give them racing room, knowing that in any other situation they'd be running for second money, at best. This time they had a chance at the big prize and each one of the other jocks wanted it, needed the money.

Alec yelled once into Black's ears, just enough for the animal to hear him and, as always he responded. He somehow lengthened his strides and held his lead, going under the wire the winner by a neck.

Standing in the irons, allowing Black to slow at his own pace, Alec was hit with a sudden wave of trembling. He'd almost lost Black just now. If he'd gone down there was a field of seven other horses close behind them, they could have been trampled, killed. Even if Alec had managed to roll out of the way under the rail, Black, his horse, would have been right in the path and anything could have happened.

Pushing up his goggles and wiping his eyes while making it look like he was just getting rid of the sweat on his face, Alec tried to force the mental pictures out of his mind, pictures of the Black lying on the track. Of him being taken away in a horse ambulance, of being in stall later and the vet telling him the only humane thing to do would be to put him down to stop his suffering.

God, he couldn't deal with this now. He couldn't. He couldn't stand to think about losing the Black, not after the years they'd spent together, not after Black had saved his life more than once, given him the life he had now and—in a real way, brought him Pam. He couldn't loose him.

They came to a slow stop in the middle of the backstretch with no effort on Alec's part. They'd done this too many times for Black not to know what was expected of him and he slowed on his own. Jimmy Dale, who'd been aboard the number two horse came up close behind them. "Alec? You okay? That was a close one, hey? You're not hurt, are you—the Black okay? He's not limping or anything, right? You need any help?"

Alec took a deep breath and forced a small smile. "No, we're good, thanks."

Jimmy gave him an appraising look as they turned their horses to go back. "Yeah, you look good." They trotted a furlong back along the first turn before Jimmy said anything. "Let's get some dinner after this is over, okay?"

"No, really I'm fine."

"Sure you are. Dinner and none of your 'I've never been better' stuff, y'hear? I mean it. I'll even buy."

Alec nodded, sure, why not—he had to eat. "Sounds good, thanks." Jimmy was a new rider, only a year or two on the circuit and he had Alec to thank for his career. He'd been a kid hanging around the barns two years ago when Alec had struck up a few conversations with him then let him ride a couple of morning workout for them. Soon enough his talent and happy disposition had won him his first few afternoon rides and now he was an up and coming jockey. He still looked up to Alec, though, almost like a big brother and Alec had done what he could to help him when possible.

They were back by the grandstand, the crowd cheering, the photographers and reporters waiting. Henry was there to ask him what happened, his face set in a deep scowl and the usual hoopla whenever Black was around. Inwardly sighing, Alec went through the motions he knew were part of his job.

The two of them, Alec and Jimmy were in a booth at a local and very good steak place. Henry had started to read Alec the riot act about the Black's stumble but suddenly stopped, much to Alec's surprise until Henry had simply said, "It could have been a lot worse than it was—go get some chow and forget about it." That was something which had never happened before.

The two young men were starting in their salads and imbibing in semi-contraband lite beers. They were exchanging some shoptalk, catching up on some backside gossip when Jimmy finally cut to the chase. "What's going on, Alec?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't hand me that—you're mind isn't on your work and I'd guess your heart isn't in it, either. You getting burned out, bored or just fed up?" He sipped his beer. "Or is married life too good?"

"Married life is very good and my riding is just fine." Alec was clearly annoyed his voice curt—this was none of Jimmy's business, even if he was a friend.

"C'mon, man, you almost got dumped out there this afternoon and you won by the skin of your teeth when you should have won in a walk. Black's never stumbled in a race before."

"He's a horse. Horses stumble sometimes. It could have happened to anyone."

Jimmy took another drink of his beer and picked up his fork. "Okay, drop it. I get it. How's Pam doing?"

"Pam's doing great, she's up at the farm now getting her mare settled in and fixing up my old room for us while we're having the apartment worked on. What have you heard about Braddock's new two year old string?" The subject was successfully changed; they spent the rest of the meal talking shop, skipped dessert and were walking out to the parking lot when Jimmy tried again.

"Look, I know you have a lot on your plate right now—you want to talk, you know my number, okay?"

Alec nodded, thanked him for dinner and kept his mouth shut as the two of them headed back to the track. Jimmy dropped him off, heading back to his own apartment and Alec made his way over to their backside barn. Henry had the Black all ready to be trucked up to the farm, just like he'd promised that afternoon. The two of them had decided that the stallion needed a break from the hustle racing for a little while and Alec would be taking him back up to the farm tonight. Going into the Black's stall, he saw that his legs were wrapped for the trip, he was wearing a light sheet and he could be loaded as soon as he saw Henry.

"Alec, there you are. Good dinner?"

"It was fine, Jimmy repeated a few times how grateful he is to you for letting him have his start; you may want to say something to him—if he doesn't first." Alec made a final check of the van before loading his horse. "Everything ready?"

"Should be, yes. You just take it slow driving and don't try to set any records getting home—I know you're anxious to see Pam, but take it easy, you hear me?"

Alec held his temper and the retort that was on the tip of his tongue; he'd driven a loaded horse van before and he wasn't fifteen years old. Yes he was looking forward to seeing Pam but he wouldn't do anything to endanger his horse and Henry knew that.

They lead the Black up the ramp and Alec tied him close to where he could reach some hay if he wanted it, secured the back and was about to get into the driver's seat when Henry stopped him for just a moment. "I was going to ask Jimmy to fill in for you in a couple of the training races we have the two year olds in next week, you all right with that? I was thinking that way you can stay up at the farm longer, get more done there."

"Sure, no problem. I wanted to see what I could do with the two year olds up there, anyway and Black is scheduled for some stud work I should be there for." Alec knew the other reason was so that he'd get a longer break from the track and spend more time with Pam, but didn't say anything about knowing what Henry was up to.

"Fine, stay in touch and give my best to Pam and your folks."

He got into the cab of the van, headed north to go back to the farm and Pam. He knew he was too tightly wound and he knew his friends were getting concerned—and he wished they'd all just stop, lay off and leave him alone. He was under pressure and he was human, all right? He had the farm on his shoulders, making sure they could pay the bills and meet payroll every Monday morning. He was worried about Black breaking down and had recurring nightmares about holding a pistol to his head as he lay in pain on some track, one of his legs broken beyond any hope of repair. He'd seen the video of Barbaro's breakdown so many times he had it memorized and it haunted him. He'd even gone so far as to search out old clips of Ruffian's breakdown from years ago. She's been a magnificent filly; as good as they came until she'd shattered a foreleg during a match race years ago. There had been no real choice and she's been destroyed shortly after her final race The old pictures of her replayed over and over in his mind's eye—she'd been a beautiful animal, shiny black and looking as much like an offspring of the Black as could be found. She could have been his daughter and he could have been onboard when it happened.

Sure, the farm would probably survive without the Black as premier stud—they had Satan and Wintertime but…

Black had been such a large part of his life for so long, they had him to thank for everything that had happened to them the last seven or eight years; the farm, his career, the money and finally it had all brought Pam to him. If he weren't there anymore... Alec couldn't bear to think about it and he couldn't get the images out of his mind. The Black wasn't just another horse, or even just another champion; he was part of Alec and he knew that when his horse died a large part of him would die with him.

Unbidden and unwanted pictures of Black Sand lying dead on the track at Aqueduct last summer came to his mind with Pam on the ground beside him, hurt and bleeding, thrown when he'd fallen during a rough race. She'd been riding a cheap maiden race to prove to Henry that she could, but it had ended beyond badly with the colt being badly crowded, bumped and then going down hard. Pam had recovered, not badly injured, but some kind of naivete in her had died with the colt she'd trained and loved and he'd never wanted to see her in a big race again after that. He'd been terrified of losing her and would remember the fear he'd felt when he'd seen her fall in the middle of a field of racing horses.

He ran his hand over his eyes as he drove, trying to wipe the images from his mind. God, it had been horrible, worse by far than his own falls and the knowledge that he'd allowed her to be placed in that kind of danger would haunt him for years. Alec heard the Black shuffling his feet behind him, snorting and getting a little restless; he knew where he was going and was as anxious as Alec to get home and shake off his responsibilities for a little while.

Speaking loudly enough for his horse to hear him, Alec turned his head slightly to pitch his voice through the small window to the back. "Hey, quiet back there, Black—I know you want to get home as much as I do, but take it easy, okay? We'll be there soon enough." The Black settled down a bit and his mind went back again to thoughts about how everyone he knew who mattered to him had subjugated their lives to his dreams; his parents had sold their house and moved to the farm. Henry had come out of retirement to train the horses and look after the racing end of things. Pam had dropped her travel plans, married him and moved to the farm…Every one of them had changed their lives for him and if something major went wrong, if the dream ended up falling apart it would be on his head. He doubted if he'd ever be able to forgive himself if that happened and beyond that, as terrible as it would be, then what would he do to fill his days?

He was still a young man, he knew he could find some other way to support himself and Pam if he had to. Sure, he was a jockey; he could always ride horses for a living but—and this was part of his nightmares as well—what if he was just a top rider because of Black? If he was on his own, if he had to rely on other trainers and owners for his livelihood would he still be able to make it?

And beyond that, much as he knew he was being ridiculous and that it would never happen—what if something happened? What if he couldn't handle the horses anymore or they had to sell the farm or he was hurt and couldn't ride any more? Pam had fallen in love with him the way he was now--strong and healthy, and if something happened, if he changed or couldn't offer her the same things anymore...

God, what if he lost her?

The thought had been in the back of his mind for months now and it scared him more than anything had ever scared him in his life, even more than his nightmares of losing the Black.

Then, like clockwork, as soon as that thought took root in his mind he'd kick himself for selling Pam short. She knew the risks he faced in his work and though she might not be happy about it, she accepted them just as he did and lived with the possibilities of what could happen. She'd never leave him. She would never have married him in the first place if she weren't sure of their staying together no matter what. There were bound to be bad times as well as the good. They both knew this and would deal with it. It's what you did when you were married. His parents had and probably Pam's had as well. They'd do the same.

He couldn't loose her. He couldn't.

Alec shook his head as he drove. This was ridiculous and he knew better. Enough. Pam wasn't going anywhere, the Black wasn't going to break down and things were going well, despite his gloomy and boring thoughts. "C'mon, get a grip of yourself, Alec, you're in demand, the farm is doing well, the horses are all well and you just got married to the most amazing girl you've ever met. Stop being a crybaby and grow up." He came over the rise and saw the farm spread out before him, a surge of happiness spreading through him. "Hey Black, we're home, boy!"

It was a warm evening and, as he pulled the van to the stallion barn, he decided that there was no reason why Black should be locked up for the night. Backing him carefully out of the van. He lead lined him to a fence for a couple of minutes while he removed the leg wrappings, making sure that there was nothing wrong or sore on the stallion, then finally lead him over to the gate of Black's own field. It was the one with the specially raised fencing so he couldn't jump out the way he'd tried in other field. "Okay, boy—you enjoy yourself and I'll see you in the morning." Black paused for just a moment then took off across the grass, stopping to lay down and roll, all four feet in the air as Alec watched him, smiling at the sight.

Suddenly he felt Pam's warm hands coming around his waist from behind him and a kiss on the middle of his back through his tee shirt as she hugged him harder, pressing herself against him. He turned around to face her, his arms going around her as well and held her for a long moment, feeling the warmth of her body and taking in the clean and slightly floral scent she always carried with her then leaned down to kiss her hello. "I missed you."

"Five days without you around here; I missed you, too, you know." They both smiled at the understatement then kissed again before she shifted enough to watch the Black still rolling on the grass. "He looks happy to be home." She pulled back just a bit, looking at him in the half-light. "You look like you could use a rest more than he does."

"I'm fine, a couple of good night's sleep and I'll be okay." He pulled her closer, wanting to feel her against him again.

"Sure you will." She kissed him to stop his protest. "Come on, let me show you what I've done so far." Taking his hand she led him up the stairs to the apartment over the training barn, the one they were fixing up for their use. The place was clearly a work in progress with lumber, paint and tools spread out all over the place and the furniture shoved into a corner, covered with old sheets and tarps.

"This is going to be the kitchen, not huge but enough and the bathroom will get a real shower instead of the prefab plastic thing that was in here…"

"That came with the place when we bought the farm."

"It's disgusting. I want to put in a big picture window here and add a couple of skylights so it's nice and light. Then we can get a decent couch over here and I'm having Matt—you know him, the carpenter—I'm having him put up a wall to make a separate bedroom with a real door on it. And a big closet we'll share will be over here. I found a wonderful rug that will look perfect and I thought that if we cut a new window in over here, we'd be able to watch the big field and the pond." She was excited, happy, a kid with a new toy and hoping that he'd be happy with her ideas and what she'd come up with for them. "Are you pleased? Do you like it?" She was suddenly anxious about his reaction. "We can still change things if you're…"

"I love it, it's going to be wonderful and you've done an amazing job." He smiled, looked around the mess of a room and laughed. "This is going to be perfect, exactly right for us." He kissed her again, about to pull her over to the covered old couch and pull her down onto it when she suddenly twisted, pushed him just hard enough and had him flat on the old lumpy bed instead…

"Alec? Is that you? You're back?"

A couple of hours later Alec and Pam walked over to the main house, holding hands. They were staying in Alec's old room while the work on the apartment was being done.

"You're late getting back, is everything all right?"

Pam hid a blush and Alec kept a straight face. "Everything's fine, Black's out in his pasture and Pam was showing me the work on the apartment—it looks like it's really coming along."

His mother smiled, pleased to see Alec looking happy and less tense than he had been the last year or so. This marriage, sudden as it was and young as they were, seemed like it might work out well for everyone. The kids were obviously head over heels and Alec's work was less dangerous when he was more at ease with things. She knew they were both in a rush to get into their own home and she understood that, but it was just such a joy to have them both here and so happy with one another.

"Have you eaten yet? I saved some chicken if you want it."

"Sure, sounds good." About half an hour later while Pam was upstairs showering, Alec wandered through the living to his father's office, finding him there going over the books.

"I don't know if you saw these, but they've been coming in since that announcement about you two getting married was in Sports Illustrated a couple of weeks ago." Bill Ramsay pointed to a pile of wedding cards at least six inches high. "Mostly from other racing people, but there are a few from your old high school and college friends and people from the old neighborhood. I think you and Pam should acknowledge them somehow—a number of them have checks of gift certificates in them."

Alec sat down and looked at a few of them, smiling at the personal messages.

"Do you have many races coming up, Alec?"

"A few for Seth Mueller over the next month, maybe half a dozen or so. Nothing much for us, though, just a few training races to get the youngsters seasoned a bit."

"So you'll be around here more?"

"I hope so, I'd like that." He was still thumbing through the cards and letters, bemused that a number of them were from total strangers who'd seen him at some track or read stories about him in a magazine. He was getting used to it, but being recognized, photographed and asked for his autograph was still bizarre to him, even after all this time. It was part of the job, but the part he'd like to skip.

"Jim Athena called earlier today, just to chat, introduce himself a bit and said that we were welcome to go down to visit this winter, get away from the cold for a week or two."

Alec looked up, "Everyone or you and Mom?" Henry was already planning some races out in California this coming winter; they'd be there for at least six weeks, maybe more. Pam would probably like to see her friends and family, though, especially if he was working on the West Coast.

"Jim didn't really specify, but I got the impression he was hoping that you'd be bringing some horses down there to train them away from the cold like you've done before. Did you know he'd seen you race down there two years ago? He told me how impressed he was with you and the Black."

Alec just shrugged. "Well, what else was he going to say? Henry doesn't have any plans for Florida this year; maybe next. Yesterday he told me we're going to Santa Anita after we get past Thanksgiving, maybe the second week of December or something—the track there opens the 26th and the meeting runs for just under three months. He told me he wants to be there for most of it, he intends to take Black and a small string."

Bill gave Alec a look. "Does Pam know about this? She said she was hoping you two could spend the holidays with her family."

This was the first Alec had heard this, probably Pam was going to talk to him about it this week. This could be a problem and he shook his head. "I'll be in California—there are a lot of rich purses this year, more than usual." He exchanged a look with his father. "I'll go talk to her." He turned back as he got to the door. "Oh, Pam said that we should be able to move over to the apartment late next week, so we won't all be on top of each other anymore."

"Not a problem, you mother likes having Pam here to talk to."

Alec headed up the circular stairs to the attic room he'd been using since they'd bought Hopeful Farm seven years ago. He knew Pam would be upset about his being gone for three months and he also knew she would have trouble spending more than a few weeks out in California with him if she were doing her work here. The tension he'd felt begin to recede was back.

3/9/07