Pills
by Kard of Dark
Standard disclaimers apply.
Chapter 1: Aoi Tori
Aoi tori ga tobu you na harete kirei na hi desu
mitsukerarenai bokura kami-sama ga waratta
miagetara eda no sei de sora wa PAZURU mitai
donna kotoba de kimi we tsunagi-tomrareru no?
--"Aoi Tori" Plastic Tree
Her mother once said that a black cloud was always over her head, and she never knew it would be true until now as she stood in the freezing rain. The umbrella at her side was unopened as she allowed the rain to mix with her tears and sorrow as everything washed away. She wanted everything to go away, wanted that cold darkness that only death offered.
She wanted to die.
She wanted death.
There was nothing left for her in the living realm anymore, only more pain and the looks she would get from everyone she knew. Her pride was too strong to let herself fall victim to their meaningless words as they would try to soothe her worries and crushed heart. But the feelings were too strong, the heart was crushed beyond repair.
He was dead. The only reason she was still alive was gone and she couldn't find the strength to carry on any longer.
Her hand dug through her coat pocket where her anti-depressant pills where. They would help her in these hard times, though she doubted they could heal a broken heart. Putting them back in her pocket she picked up the umbrella and started the long walk home, not even bothering to open the thing. Maybe she would catch pneumonia and die.
She was certainly turning morbid. It wasn't that bad of a change in her attitude, really. All throughout her life she watched those she loved die of disease, accidents and other "natural causes," or so the doctors called it. There was no reason for her to believe the people in the hospitals and doctor offices, all they did was charge high bills, gave you pills for just about anything imaginable and didn't know what was wrong with you in the first place. Her father had died in their care; they thought it was just a bad cold when he really had lung cancer. The wonders of smoking and what it did to your body.
Smoking was what her father did, though. And she didn't really blame him at all for it. They were both killing themselves slowly and neither cared. Death comes to you at some point in time, they just tried to make it come faster than it originally would.
Then he came along, the one person who listened to her and helped her. The scars that littered her arms and legs from all the times she cut herself where starting to heal, she no longer took any pleasure from watching her blood run freely tell she started to feel dizzy.
The feeling was rather nice, if she remembered correctly as her booted feet took her up the steps to her apartment. Inside was a razor she could use and the tub… If she filled it with water and slipped her cut wrist into it, why…
Her hand shook as she searched for the right key to unlock the door, only to find it already unlocked. Only her aunt and he had a key and she doubted that it was him back from the dead. She did believe in some pretty weird shit but coming back from the dead as a zombie or something like that was pretty out there. Opening the door she found her aunt sitting on the couch-bed, nervously looking around until she heard the door open.
"Kaoru," she whispered standing up, her hands twitching at her sides. Kaoru gave an inward snort, her aunt was nervous all the time and her twitching was just a side effect of it. The woman could never stand or sit still. Briefly, she wondered how the other woman's husband could stand it.
Husband.
He said he would marry her when he got back. The tears threaten to start falling once more but she held them back. She hated crying in front of people, family members, friends and even him.
"Everything will be fine," her aunt said, her voice shaking. Kaoru just shook her head slightly and walked past her aunt to the kitchen after taking off her shoes. Getting the pills out of her pocket she got a clean glass and filled it with water. Maybe taking the stupid pills would make her aunt go away thinking everything was fine. With luck, there might yet be a god out there who took pity on her, and would let her die in peace. No such luck.
The other woman just followed Kaoru into the kitchen and waited until the pill was swallowed to reach out and hug her. Kaoru hated the contact; she didn't want to be touched. She wanted to be left alone to her misery, her sweet misery.
And she started to cry.
The tears wouldn't stop as she sank into her aunt's warm hold. Looking out the window over the sink, she let the tears come on their own will, taking in the offered comfort on a whim. Outside sat a blue bird, cocking its head at her for a moment before flying off into the sky.
It was strange for a bird to be out in such rain, but she paid no attention to it, she didn't even remember the bird. Just the pain that wrapped around her heart, like vines on a old garden wall, slowly but surely. All the memories, all the sweet memories of him came back. The things he took to her, the time they spent out in the sun. A happy couple for all to see.
They didn't care if they displayed their affection to the world, they were in love. A young happy couple that had the rest of their lives to love and be with each other.
The tears were becoming easier to shed and she wrapped her arms around her aunt, who in turn tightened her own hold. Heartbreak, it felt worse then death, it had to be worse. Far worse.
Death brought a person onto the after life, but left behind all their loved ones to live in pain and agony of never being able to see that person again. It broke them. His death was breaking her.
Everything felt blue to her, a sadness that couldn't be destroyed or made "happy." No, she decided, she wouldn't--could not-- be happy with him by her side. She made a promise to him and to herself to love him forever.
And that was exactly what she would do.
Kaoru decided to act like she was fine, wear a mask in public to make it appear that she was all right and was ready to move on; that she no longer hurt. But on the inside, she would be like that blue bird, flying through the pain and rain for the rest of time.
And she did exactly that.
Okay, I didn't like the ending all that much, and it was a rather slow start, but things will get rolling with the next chapter and so on. Also, thanks to MoMo-ChAn for proofreading this for me, it really does help to have a beta-reader.
"Aoi Tori" by Plastic Tree, "Blue Bird" as it is translated to. The blue bird is symbolism in this story, as the blue represents sadness, agony. The color blue in the song also represents sadness and agony. I suggest listening to the song completely, and I won't give the entire song and translation of it, but I have included the translation of what I have at the top of the chapter. I choose this part of the song for it represents her feelings.
It's the kind of beautiful, clear day on which a blue bird might fly
Unable to find us, God laughs
We look up, and through the branches the sky is like a puzzle
What words will it take to keep you with me?
On a side note, this fic is completed, but I won't be updating very often, just once a week. So there won't be any "review answers" or things like that, but if you do have questions email me or leave your email address in the review and I'll get back to you. Whenever I can, I'm somewhat of a procrastinator when it comes to those type of things, but I'll try my best to do so.
Thank you for reading and reviewing.