Hey guys. Here's another idea for a Mass Effect crossover that was buzzing around in my brain for a while. It's not as well developed as The Last Spartan, but given who's about to join Shepard's squad, that's easily forgivable I think. I'm writing this mostly because A: I can. B: it's funny. C: Since I don't have to take the source material as seriously, I can worry less about plot and character development, and so pump out chapters quicker. This can be something that can hold you over in between updates of Last Spartan. Anyway, enjoy.
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The year was 1965 and, at long last, the secret war between RED and BLU was coming to an end. After countless battles across countless battlefields, it all came to a head at RED Base #424819, CODENAME: Dustbowl. RED was building a missile that would be launched at BLU headquarters, thus ending the war once and for all. But the BLU's weren't about to let that happen without a fight. They had launched a desperate assault on Dustbowl and the RED team, Team Fortress, was mobilized to stop them. Their mission was simple but critical; hold off the BLU attack until the missile could launch.
Unfortunately, the area had five control points that, once under BLU control, would add more time to the missile launch countdown clock, thus making it so that RED had to defend longer. Dell Conagher went on to say that he would kill whoever thought THAT software design was a good idea.
The attack pushed the RED defenses all the way to the final control point; the launch site itself. The BLU's were tough, but as the RED soldier Jane Doe said "The line must be drawn here! This far! No further!"
And so, they held the line.
Dell Conagher, the RED Engineer, had set up not one but two sentries; each one on a balcony on either side of the bridge. Any BLU dumb enough to try and cross the bridge was immediately cut down by heavy fire. Pete the Pyro, the RED pyro, patrolled the area around the sentries, making sure no spies tried to sap them. Jane Doe and Tavish Degroot, the RED Demoman, launched a seemingly endless barrage of rockets and grenades across the bridge into the midst of the charging enemy. The bullets of Boris Ivonavich, the Heavy, only further helped them stand.
Harry Batovski, the scout, and Phillipe Dupre', the Spy, used the underground tunnels to observe the enemy. Their task was to inform the team of particularly nasty incoming threats, and even dispatch them when need be. More than a few BLU engineers quickly became frustrated with Phillipe constantly sapping their teleportation systems, further hindering the BLU advance.
The sniper, Ben Austin, picked off several BLU soldiers from his nest. So many of the witless wankers were charging across the bridge, it was impossible for Ben to NOT hit an enemy. And of course, the medic Clouse Von Eikshtin was scampering to and fro across the area, healing his teammates, who had an annoying habit of getting wounded. All. The. Time.
And then finally, after what seemed like an eternity of fighting, it happened. The clock hit zero and the missile launched, well on its way to BLU HQ. Knowing that the end was near, the BLU invaders were in full retreat, hoping to escape their fate. But the RED's were high on victory! And a symptom of being high on victory was glowing weapons that did more damage for some inexplicable reason! As the remaining few BLU invaders fleed for their lives into the sunset, word soon came of the destruction of BLU HQ and the end of the war!
As a reward for their bravery, Team Fortress was invited to the house of MANN CO. CEO Saxton Hale for a grand dinner.
"Aw, man! Rhino is friggin' DELICIOUS!" Harry said before taking another big bite.
"I know, right?" Ben replied. "And to think hunting them is outlawed. Bah!"
They were all in the Hale mansion's grand dining room, enjoying barbequed rhino, deep fried flamingo, baked panda, all the great delicacies of the time. The only one who wasn't really eating anything was Pete the Pyro, who was content sipping his milkshake through a straw in his gas mask. The milk was made from cows kidnapped from India. Just thought I'd point that out.
And standing at the head of the long table was the man, the myth, the legend, Saxton Hale, with the ever-lovely administrator standing by his side. MANN CO. had long been a supporter of RED throughout the war, and when Hale got the news that BLU was finally no more, he saw it as cause for celebrations.
But that wasn't the only thing he saw cause for...
"Gentlemen, first off, I just want to say congratulations on a job well done." the Australian began. Everyone nodded their thanks as they continued eating. "However, I'm afraid this is more than just a celebratory dinner. There seems to be a great threat on the horizon, and I believe that you will all play a key role in our salvation."
Jane laughed. "New enemies huh?"
"Alright. Who iz threatening RED zis time?" Phillipe asked.
"Not who, but what." Hale said. "As we all know, Astrology has long been an accurate source of information to us since the founding of RED and MANN CO. And our astrologists have made several interesting predictions this past month."
"What kind of predictions?" Boris asked.
"Well, for one thing, there's going to be a rainstorm tonight..."
"Good thing I've got a raincoat then." Dell said.
"And tomorrow, it'll be mostly sunny."
"Oooooh! Maybe we'll get to see a rainbow. You'd like that, wouldn't you Harry?" Phillipe asked.
"Bite me, Frenchy." Harry spat back. He and Phillipe have had a strained relationship ever since Phillipe started dating Harry's mom. And by dating, I mean shagging senseless.
"Sunshine that should persist throughout the week."
"Ooooh! I should go to ze beach zis veekend!" Clouse said aloud. After all the hard work to day, he thought he'd earned a beach vacation.
"And, most importantly of all, giant robot squids from outer space are coming to kill us all."
The room fell silent.
"...Mrmph?" Pete asked, at least breaking the silence.
"Yes. According to our astrologists, there will come a day where Humanity will be under threat by a race of robotic space squids, and I feel that all of you are up to the task." Hale said. "However, there's one problem. The squids aren't going to be here until AT LEAST 2185, provided of course, we survive the Mayan Prophecy, the Aztec Prophecy, the Egyptian Prophecy and of course, the Canadian Prophecy."
The team was silent, not believing what they were hearing. "Uh, sir?" Jane Doe asked. "I'm fairly certain we'll all be dead by 2185."
"Indeed. I've recently sent my men in search of the Fountain of Youth but so far, they've never been seen again. I'm not going to give up on that avenue just yet. However, given the urgency of the situation, we need to guarantee you all immortality NOW. So, we've managed to come up with a plan B for seeing that you all live to see 2185."
"And what would that be?" Ben asked.
"I'm glad you asked!" Saxton Hale said. He then grabbed a lever that had been next to his seat the whole time, and pulled it. This triggered the trap doors underneath the seats of Team Fortress, and sent them all falling down into tubes down into a giant vat of cryogenic fluid. The nine greatest mercenaries that Humanity had ever known was then frozen, boxed, and stored in a great big wooden crate in Area 51 with the tag "Do not open until the Future."
And so, it was there they waited. Nine mighty warriors, waiting for the day they would be called upon by a worthy champion of Humanity, so that they may defeat the greatest threat we have ever known.