Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 3
EPISODE 1 (50th episode in the show's history)
Airdate: September 28, 2014
Title: 14 Candles: Up All Night (Season Premiere)
Segway Segment: Classic Music Videos ("Headbanger" by EPMD featuring K-Solo and Redman)
Special Guest Stars: Metallica (James Hetfield, Kirk Hammett, Lars Ulrich, and Robert Trujillo) as Themselves, Bad News Barrett as Himself
Satire/Social Commentary: None
Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Paul Wardenson, storyboarded by Craig Hodgkins, directed by Ken Lipman & Thomas W. Lynch
The episode features a couch gag in tribute to The Simpsons. Testicular Sound Express runs to Sparky's house and tries to sit down on the couch, but notice his house looks just like the Simpson house. Regardless, the five sit down and end up flying through outer space until they land in the Griffin house in Quahog. The Griffins and Simpsons are not amused and look at Sparky, Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn confused, while the kids look worried.
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Several kids are seen going into school as the camera has a birdseye view. It looks cloudy with a chance of rain. Sparky, Buster, RK and Wade are seen walking towards the school. The camera goes back to its normal orientation.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky, when do we start declining?
(annoyed) SPARKY: Next season, Buster.
BUSTER: Thanks!
SPARKY: No problem.
RK: You know what Anna and I did last night?
WADE: You finally made it to second base without her saying she's tired?
RK: Kill yourself. No, but seriously, last night, we had sex.
WADE: RK, you and Anna are both in the fourth grade. You can't have sex, it's scientifically implausible.
RK: Not actual sex, our cardboard cutouts of each other. It was some pretty no-holds-barred sexual action with the cutouts.
WADE: You guys made cardboard cutouts of each other and they had sex?
RK: Yeah, it was actually Anna's idea. We went to a guy named Nathan Flannigan who did the job, really nice guy. Unfortunately, I think that store's about to shut down. It's in a pretty rough neighborhood inhabited by street toughs. There's a whole lot of Marxist propaganda for graffiti and a sign that says "God Sells Crack" across the street from the haberdashery they put there. By the way, there's a whole lot of Shinto promotion in that haberdashery for some unknown reason.
WADE: Whatever you do, don't go back to that neighborhood.
(The four are standing outside the school)
SPARKY: Well, here we are. A new day, a new school year, a new us.
BUSTER: Sparky, what the hell are you talking about? The new school year started a week ago.
SPARKY: Who cares? They didn't know that until you pointed it out. You know what? This school year, work on that. It's very annoying.
RK: Lord knows how hard it was to get through the summer, Buster. Don't make school any worse than it already is.
(The four are now inside the school and checking out the new colors of blue and white on the walls, to replace the green and purple; there are blue, white, and black tiles on the floor also)
WADE: I'm pondering the whereabouts of Jaylynn.
RK: W...why do you always have to be that guy? Why?
SPARKY: She said she came to school early because she had some business to take care of. Whatever that means.
BUSTER: What business?
SPARKY: I don't know.
BUSTER: Oh, so now you don't want to tell me?
SPARKY: Buster, if I knew what Jaylynn was doing, I would tell you. We're best friends.
BUSTER: A-HA! I was testing you.
SPARKY: Believe me, you weren't.
RK: Look, Jaylynn's up on that ladder!
(Jaylynn is up on top of a ladder, taping a flier on the bulletin board, which is actually now full of posters. Some like "Spanish classes offered after school or at lunch," "Tryouts for third grade baseball begin next week," or "Stop slinging that crack on the streets. When you come into school, it smells like Rick Ross ripped one and a pencil came out." Jaylynn's hair is somewhat chopped off completely on the left side, and instead of red streaks, her hair is now red completely. Actually, the part that looks chopped off is somewhat brownish.)
BUSTER: I don't think she heard you, RK. YO, JAYLYNN, WE'RE HERE, ACKNOWLEDGE OUR PRESENCE!
(imitating Michael Yarmush and Bruce Dinsmore) SPARKY AND WADE: BUSTER!
(Jaylynn is startled by all the yelling, and she ends up falling off the ladder. Her legs break the fall.)
JAYLYNN: Thank God that didn't kill me. Buster, why do you want to cause a scene so bad and we haven't even been back in school for two weeks?
BUSTER: I didn't intend to do that. Sometimes, I have the tendency to not think about every possible thing I do.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, what were you doing up there by yourself? After that child molestation lawsuit, the school doesn't need another controversy like this.
RK: Hey, at least people know who we are because the trial was covered on CNN.
WADE: It was for child molestation, how is that a good thing in any possible scenario?!
RK: Sometimes, you have to work for your publicity.
JAYLYNN: If you guys are done with your banter, I was up there because I'm having a little party this weekend.
SPARKY: A party? Alright!
BUSTER: Do you want me to wear my party hat so I can get stupid again?
RK: Buster, the last time you did that, the cops were called.
BUSTER: How do you know that for sure? The cops were probably just in the neighborhood on patrol.
RK: Yeah. BECAUSE I MADE THE CALL!
BUSTER: You STD-carrying saguando.
(long pause; Buster is semi-angry and RK is confused beyond belief)
RK: WHAT?!
JAYLYNN: You guys get more bizarre with every passing day. Do you want to see the flier?
SPARKY, BUSTER, RK, AND WADE: Sure.
(The boys walk up to the wall and see the pencil-drawn poster)
WADE: Dear Allah, what an awful second-rate illustration. What is that supposed to represent?
JAYLYNN: A guy snoozing in his bed. It's a slumber party after all.
WADE: I know, but that still doesn't excuse the shoddy quality.
RK: Damn, Jaylynn, that's awful. Couldn't you have just typed that?
JAYLYNN: I'm ten years old, I'm not practicing secular art.
BUSTER: Hey, look at that.
RK: What? "Computer club to be taught by Bill Gates' third cousin twice removed?" Because that just looks like a poor publicity stunt.
BUSTER: No, on Jaylynn's flier.
JAYLYNN: Buster, did you know it's considered a crime in other countries to point out things your friends don't want you to?
WADE: No, it isn't.
BUSTER: See? And Wade's a genius. I would rather believe him than you, Booga Bear.
SPARKY: I think Buster's right. This slumber party is only for the Masters of the Universe?!
RK: JAYLYNN, HOW COULD YOU BONE US LIKE THAT?! YOU THINK WE'RE JUST CHEAP SLUTS, DON'T YOU?!
JAYLYNN: You, kinda. But guys, you're over-exaggerating this. This isn't a slumber party for the Masters of the Universe.
WADE: It says "No boys allowed. And if any boy is seen on the premises, he'll be shot on sight. I don't care if I go to jail, I would have lived up to my promise regardless."
JAYLYNN: Ah, homophobia at its best.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, why would you throw a party and not invite us? Your best friends, remember us?
(counts with his fingers) BUSTER: Yeah, the ones who helped you with Emily, the ones who saved you from certain death, the ones who accepted your sexual orientation, the ones who will probably do some other thing for you at some point...
JAYLYNN: And I appreciate those things, but guys, this is nothing personal. A girls-only slumber party is just something I've always wanted to do.
RK: Since when? You've always said that slumber parties are just another way for white chicks to contribute another self-destructive piece to our crooked society. And maybe this is because you bored me to sleep, but I'm pretty sure you said something racist after that for shock value.
JAYLYNN: Guys, over the summer, I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever read in my life. I've never met anyone like Charlie except for me.
BUSTER: People still read? That's still a thing?
WADE: Our generation is really THAT lazy now?
SPARKY: What does this have to do with the party?
JAYLYNN: Charlie was encouraged by his teacher to participate, to take part in things at school. So I've decided to prove to the girls that I can be social.
RK: Does it really matter? Halley is still on the fence about you, Ashley will probably call you out on your self-consciousness, Anja is your friend no matter what and Gilcania is just kinda there.
JAYLYNN: It works out. We have a nice dynamic.
SPARKY: OK, fine, Jaylynn, you and the girls can have your little dinner party this weekend.
JAYLYNN: It's a slumber party.
SPARKY: I'm bringing back the term, you want to fight about it?
BUSTER: So, it's not about us personally, it's just our gender?
JAYLYNN: Exactly.
WADE: That sounds even more sexist than you probably intended.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
(The boys are sitting down, eating and drinking and gnawing; Sparky walks out of the kitchen)
SPARKY: Alright, chocolate milk.
(long pause; Buster, RK, and Wade stare at Sparky with their arms folded and stone faces)
SPARKY: (sighing) For the last time, I didn't mean to shoot that kid with my BB gun! I thought the safety was on, it was a bit!
WADE: What, no Kevin Hart impression this year expressing your excitement over the chocolate milk?
SPARKY: No. It's just chocolate milk. What you suggested sounds really dumb.
WADE: But you...last year, you...forget it.
BUSTER: I can't believe this. Why would Jaylynn not invite us to the slumber party?
RK: Buster, she already explained that. It's for girls only. It's for the Masters of the Universe only. Besides, you don't want to go to a slumber party for girls.
BUSTER: Why not? Because they don't have breasts to compare?
RK: Somewhat, but Jaylynn has them all beat in that category. Listen, you want me to tell you a story about what happened when my cousin went to a slumber party for girls?
BUSTER: No, not at all.
RK: Well, I'm telling you anyway. He dressed up like a cat burglar and the girls attacked him because he conveniently forgot that cat burglars are supposed to move in silence. Once they realized who he was, they dressed him up like Ronald McDonald and started singing "Sweet Dreams" by The Eurythmics. So think about that the next time you want to go to a slumber party for girls.
BUSTER: Dude, are you high?
RK: Yeah. High on knowledge.
(The hashtag #StuffRKSays appears on the screen in white lettering; when this happens, RK's face is in freeze frame)
SPARKY: Hey, isn't KG turning 14 this weekend?
RK: You're RIGHT! Guys, we don't need Jaylynn's lame old party. KG's party is going to blow, suck, scoop up, and eat.
WADE: Is it going to penetrate too or were you just not clever enough to think of it?
RK: That would've been too on the nose.
SPARKY: And I heard Metallica is going to perform.
RK: That's true.
WADE: Dude, seriously? Forget Jaylynn's shindig of unfledged tots. Matter of fact, who IS Jaylynn?
BUSTER: Wade, she's our friend. Boy, a guy can get really stupid over the summer.
WADE: In my mind, I'm giving you the triangle choke.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Study Hall
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn is at a table with Halley, Ashley, and Gilcania, shucking and jiving about the slumber party this weekend)
JAYLYNN: And it would be totally awesomesauce if you guys came to my place at 7:45. The latest.
ASHLEY: I don't know. I might be tired after junior high class.
JAYLYNN: Ashley, you're in the fourth grade, why are you in junior high too?
ASHLEY: For the past two months on Saturday morning, I've been taking a class to help prepare for sixth grade and beyond. It's on sociology.
JAYLYNN: I think socialism speaks to me more. But dude, it's a morning class, just haul yourself over to my place at night. You'll get to sleep there all you want.
ASHLEY: I better. There are two things in my life that I need: Sleep and food. And a way to dig in my backyard for a secret passageway. I've always wanted to see what was down there.
HALLEY: What are you calling it, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Up All Night.
HALLEY: Sounds like a cheesy One Direction song. How about...Saturday Night Joypalooza?
JAYLYNN: I think you should leave the names up to me.
GILCANIA: I'll call you on Saturday to let you know my plans. Yomaris and I are going to spend the day at the new boutique that just opened up downtown.
JAYLYNN: What's it called?
GILCANIA: Paul's.
JAYLYNN: That's funny.
GILCANIA: Thank you.
HALLEY: What about the Night to Get Right?
JAYLYNN: NO, HALLEY!
ASHLEY: Not the voices again...(clutches her head in pain)
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(KG is reading The Seattle Times)
KG: Hmmm. The old third grade social studies teacher at iCarly Elementary just got a job at Mona Robinson. Wait, wasn't he on trial? (KG looks around for an answer when RK runs down the stairs)
RK: KG, you have to see this. Behold my outfit for your banging birthday party on Saturday. (RK shows KG a picture of a burkini)
KG: RK, that's a burkini. Isn't that for women?
RK: Dude, quit being so gender-specific. We are in the Reality Era. There is a new type of man in the world. He's refined. And he has no problem paying his dues to society and showing sensitivity.
KG: Last night in Brooklyn, this teenager was racially profiled by two white policemen who thought he had a knife. And then they beat him with nightsticks when he tried to take their gun to defend himself. What does that tell you about the Reality Era?
RK: Yeah, but that's the Reality Era in New York. They're supposed to be unfair about everything.
KG: Well, I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you because you're not coming to my party.
(RK starts cackling and KG remains bored)
RK: KG, you know, I know you've been working really hard as a comedian and I have to say, that is the funniest joke you've ever come up with. Way to go, bro!
KG: RK, I'm serious. You can't come to my party. You or anyone else in TSE.
(RK's smile is quickly replaced by a scowl)
RK: So I'm just a (bleep) whore to you, huh?
KG: What?
(RK jumps on the couch on KG with widened eyes)
RK: A BIG, CHEAP WHORE WITH TOO MUCH MAKEUP ON AND NO CHANCE OF EVER GETTING ANYTHING FROM THE GUYS, RIGHT?! BECAUSE HER HAIRDRESSER FELICIA NEGLECTED TO COME INTO WORK TODAY! NOW SHE LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A CRACK ADDICT AND THE WRONG SIDE OF YOUR HUSBAND'S FIST, RIGHT?! RIGHT, (BLEEP) RIGHT?!
KG: RK, dude, let me explain.
RK: Fine, bro. Explain. Explain why your own brother isn't good enough to come to your party on Saturday.
KG: As you know, I'm turning 14. It's a big deal for me. I'm moving one step closer into adulthood, responsibility, and girls with nothing better to do than to just bang you all night long.
RK: What is this, backstage at a Motley Crue concert?
KG: RK, I'm almost a man now as dictated by the state of Washington and my birth certificate. One year ago, I graduated from the Happy Meal into the Mighty Kids Meal. I'M DOING THINGS, DAMMIT! And this is a party too sophisticated for you or the boys to handle.
RK: Too sophisticated? Put together, Testicular Sound Express is smarter than YOU!
KG: Yeah, but we have no time for analysis of that caliber.
RK: I literally have charts in my room, we don't let these things pass us by.
KG: Look, RK, I know you're just a little one so you won't understand but this is a mature party for future adults. You and the boys can have your little kiddie party so you won't disturb my stranger friends.
RK: I know almost all of your friends! Especially Omayra. Boy, can that babe tickle. WHOO!
KG: RK, it's something I have to do. You understand, right?
(cocks his head to the right) RK:...Yes, KG. I understand. Could you excuse me for a moment? I want to get my baseball bat so I can bash you in the (bleep) skull repeatedly, just a moment.
SCENE 5
THREE HOURS LATER
Sparky, Buster, RK, and Wade are out on the town, having a little sidewalk stroll.
WADE: So you hit KG in the head with that bat six times and now he's in the hospital with a concussion?
RK: Yup.
WADE: Dude, are you out of your mind?! The guy might have brain damage or something!
RK: Relax, the doctors were sure he would be back on his feet tomorrow. Although, he'll talk like Kenny McCormick for a few hours so I need to brace myself.
WADE: How did you even avoid arrest?
RK: I convinced the cops there was some illegal gang activity in the area even though there really wasn't.
SPARKY: Guys, could you wait here for a sec? I want to see if Milana Vayntrub is in AT&T like the commercials say.
(Sparky walks into AT&T)
BUSTER: I can't believe none of us can go to KG's party just because we're kids. Hey, you know, maybe this is just one of those sitcom situations where KG realizes what he's done and learns a lesson. And at the end, you guys go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes.
RK: That's...that's not going to happen. Who do you think I am, a cheap imitation of Walter Matthau?
BUSTER: I don't know who that is. But yeah, I guess so.
(Sparky walks out of AT&T)
WADE: Was she in there?
SPARKY: No. Figures, the one reason to actually want to go into AT&T isn't even around.
RK: Guys, we have to do something. Jaylynn's throwing a slumber party for her girls, KG's having a mature Metallica birthday party and we're probably just going to spend our Saturday night sucking on our own spit.
BUSTER: What did Metallica have to do with that?
SPARKY: I think we're missing the important thing here, RK. We don't need a slumber party or Metallica or anything fancy. We just need each other.
WADE: I really hope you're not suggesting a four-way right now.
SPARKY: What? No!
WADE: Good, because even if you drenched me in hot cherry oil, I wasn't going to be a part of it under any circumstances.
SPARKY: Why don't we just have our own party on Saturday? After all, there was a time where Jaylynn was still living in Portland.
BUSTER: Sparky's right. Jaylynn sucks, KG sucks, everything sucks. Wait, that could be the title! "Everything Sucks!"
SPARKY: I think you should leave the names up to me. But seriously, let's just throw our own party.
RK: Hmmm, you know, it would give me something to do. HELL YEAH, LET'S DO THIS!
WADE: You seem really excited for this.
RK: Yeah, at least I'm going to be a part of something. This is going to be the greatest thing that could ever happen to me since the time I punched Anja in the face.
WADE: When did that happen?
RK: It happened in my dreams, it did.
SCENE 6
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SATURDAY NIGHT - 7:24 PM
Jaylynn is in her Adventure Time footie pajamas. She's checking her Swatch.
JAYLYNN: How is nobody here yet? I sent texts, I told the girls' friends. I even paid for radio advertisement. Wait, wasn't that station promoting human trafficking?
(doorbell rings)
JAYLYNN: Oh, thank God someone finally decided to show up.
(Jaylynn walks to the door and tries to look out the peephole, but she's too small to do it)
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm ten. Who is it?
ASHLEY: It's Ashley.
JAYLYNN: Well, that's a strange turn of events.
(Jaylynn opens the door to reveal Ashley carrying a duffel bag)
ASHLEY: Helloooooooo.
JAYLYNN: Hel...um...
(Jaylynn takes a minute to look at Ashley's sleepwear, which is a big Scooby-Doo nightshirt, Ad Council pants, and bunny slippers; the camera focuses on Ashley from Jaylynn's point of view)
ASHLEY: Is something wrong?
JAYLYNN: Ashley, you do realize you didn't have to change until you were already here, right?
ASHLEY: Yeah, but I might have to go to sleep early. I'm kinda tired.
JAYLYNN: Well, way to soak up the party then. And what's with the outfit?
ASHLEY: Look, the nightshirt was a freebie. I ordered the Scooby-Doo bubble bath and it was part of the package.
JAYLYNN: Gee, I'm glad you answered THAT question. But who in the world made Ad Council pajama pants?
ASHLEY: I got them from the thrift store. And I only had $20 in my pocket.
JAYLYNN: That's a pretty outdated reference, Ashley.
ASHLEY: I don't care, you should get used to them by now. So where are the others?
JAYLYNN: I don't know. Gilcy said she would be late, but when I see Asil and Halley, they are so grounded.
(Jaylynn's phone rings; her ringtone is "Pennyroyal Tea" by Nirvana)
ASHLEY: Will you please turn that off? It's hurting my ears.
JAYLYNN: It's my ringtone, not a radio. And this is the kind of headbanging, angst-fueled rock that the music industry of today is lacking. (picks up phone) This is Jaylynn, what do you need? If it's money, don't call again.
ANJA: Jaylynn, it's Anja. I'm outside your house, where do I park?
JAYLYNN: Anja, you just got your driver's license a week ago. You could've just taken the bus. Or you know, WALKED here like a normally functioning human since we live in the same neighborhood.
ANJA: I need the practice. Now, where do I park so I can get inside?
JAYLYNN: Just park next to the sidewalk.
ANJA: Are you sure?
JAYLYNN: Ashley, how did you get here?
ASHLEY: I just walked a couple blocks and that's it.
JAYLYNN: OK, Asil, I'm sure. Just park next to the sidewalk.
ANJA: And then what?
JAYLYNN: Take a space ride with the cowboy, what do you think? Just park the car and get inside, you loser.
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, calm down.
JAYLYNN: I call all my friends losers. It's my pet name for them to show them how much I slightly care for them.
ASHLEY: Oh...am I a loser?
JAYLYNN: I still have to work out the papers for you, it's exhausting.
(Anja ends up crashing her car into the back of another car while trying to park; the crash can be heard on Jaylynn's phone, and Jaylynn herself looks annoyed)
JAYLYNN: Anja...what did you do?
ANJA: I think I just had my first car crash.
ASHLEY: Did she crash into your car?
JAYLYNN: No. Thank God for the invention of garages.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SATURDAY NIGHT - 7:45 PM
(RK and Wade are watching TV while Sparky is pacing)
RK: Sparky, with all due respect, will you please stay the hell back from the television screen?
SPARKY: RK, it's my house!
RK: Yeah, but you know...
SPARKY: Besides, it's just Mighty Med. Matter of fact, you've SEEN this episode before.
RK: Sparky, you don't understand. Watching reruns of my favorite television shows have gotten me where I am today.
WADE: And that would be a sociopathic gag man who's on path to be diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 14?
(annoyed) RK: You know, you weren't always supposed to be in this group, jackass.
SPARKY: Where's Buster? He's the party animal. Whenever there's a party, they have to hire security just for him to keep him away.
WADE: Well, Buster's always late to things. He didn't even know about the "This is your brain on drugs" PSA until last month.
SPARKY: Sounds kinda unrelated, but I'll take it.
RK: You know, since Mighty Med is still floating around the conversation, I have a question: Is Skylar Storm always going to be wearing that outfit? I mean, is her lifelong mission to give me an erection? Hmmmm? Because I'm dating Anna so Skylar might have to explain herself.
WADE: RK...
RK: Wade, if you even dare say anything, I will go Bruce Lee on your black ass. Don't test me.
WADE: Alright, I'll be quiet.
(Buster opens the door and comes in with a suit and tie, along with a bouquet of roses)
BUSTER: Hello gentlemen.
(smelling something horrendous) SPARKY, RK, AND WADE: WHOA, BABY!
BUSTER: Look, I know I'm sexy tonight, but there's no need to start developing homosexual crushes on me.
RK: Dude, it's your cologne, it smells like ASS! And I already had a crush, you DARE disregard continuity!
SPARKY: HOW THE HELL DO YOU COME INTO MY HOUSE WITH THAT CRAP ON?!
WADE: Is your cologne made from sweat and Mexican cheese, man?!
BUSTER: No, I don't think so. (Buster smells his suit jacket) It's Canadian cheese. You guys should know better, I've been choosing this cologne for months.
SPARKY: Yeah, but tonight, I think you over-compensated, buddy.
RK: Why are you all dressed up anyway? You're just spending the night with the guys. Why do you and Skylar both want to tempt me tonight?
BUSTER: I don't know who that is either. But I just wanted to let you guys know I have a date with Diana.
SPARKY: WHAT?! But I thought we were all going to have our little party together!
BUSTER: I actually planned it yesterday. I meant to tell you guys, but I didn't.
WADE: Why not?
BUSTER: Because I didn't want to.
SPARKY: Buster, this is dirty and shameful! I can't even look at you.
(long pause; Sparky is still staring in Buster's direction)
BUSTER: You're still looking at me.
SPARKY: I KNOW, I WENT BACK ON MY WORD!
BUSTER: Look, guys, I actually feel bad about abandoning you tonight. But Diana and I have been treating each other like royalty for five months and I want to make sure that continues. You know, you could invite YOUR girlfriends to the party.
(annoyed) SPARKY: Halley's with Jaylynn.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, what about you, RK?
RK: Hmmm, well, every party needs hoes. Except tonight. I have to stay true to the guys.
WADE: Agreed. Adriana can manage without her male pillar of strength for the night.
BUSTER: OK, well, see ya guys.
(Buster walks out of the house)
SPARKY: Wait a minute. I just realized something.
RK: What?
SPARKY: RK, wasn't KG supposed to turn 14 last year?
(RK's eyes widen and he stares at the camera nervously while Sparky and Wade stare at him)
SCENE 8
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SATURDAY NIGHT - 7:53 PM
("You Make Me Wanna Unh" by Pretty Boy Flizzy playing in the background)
(The stage is being prepared for Metallica to play tonight at KG's birthday. The living room looks like a nightclub, and KG has on a white button-down shirt, a white jacket, a black bowtie, black pants, and black dress shoes. The room is already filled with a large number of kids, and a majority of them are white, with about two black kids. So in actuality, 95% of the party crowd is white. Although, if you factor in the white people that have Hispanic in them, you can probably drop the all-white number to 65%. So it definitely evens itself out. We see KG's best friend Rodney for the first time ever. He looks like a younger version of Tim G. Lopez from the Plain White T's.)
KG: Hey Rodney, do I look snazzy tonight or too snazzy for words to make it noticeable?
RODNEY: Oh, KG, you're such a spaz. You look fine. Just adjust your tie, you're probably going to need to do that more than a couple times tonight.
KG: Why?
RODNEY: Look around, KG. You see what I see?
KG: Improved animation quality?
RODNEY: Well, yeah, of course, but there are hotties. Hot white chicks with banging bodies and a desire to create more teen pregnancies tonight. Think of all the potential babies you can be a deadbeat dad to!
KG: OK, well, I don't know about that last part, but you're right. Tonight is the night where dreams come true. We're swiping our V-cards tonight, Rod.
RODNEY: Word to Pete Wentz and every Fall Out Boy album ever made.
TREVOR: Guys?
KG: Yeah, Trevor?
TREVOR: I have to go to the bathroom.
KG: Then go.
TREVOR: Why would I have to go to the bathroom when I have information to share with you?
(long pause)
RODNEY: Why do we still have lunch with this guy?
KG: About what, Trevor?
TREVOR: What band is supposed to play tonight at your birthday party?
KG: Metallica, Trevor.
TREVOR: Right. Motorhead.
(KG sighs heavily and Rodney runs his hand through his hair)
TREVOR: Anyway, they're not going to come.
KG: WHAT?! HOW DO YOU KNOW?! DON'T PLAY PRACTICAL JOKE SHIT ON ME NOW, TREVOR!
TREVOR: Why would I practice a joke? Anyway, their bus broke down and they won't get here fast enough. I know because that guy told me. (points to his cell phone at the snack table)
KG: You mean your cell phone, Trevor?
TREVOR: It's magic! It can be other people! Some James guy told me so. I have to go before the talkie phone thinger starts pretending for everyone else!
(Trevor walks away, trips over himself, and goes back to walking after picking himself up)
KG: You know, Trevor has always been a dumbass. I don't believe him at all. Metallica's performing at my 14th birthday party TONIGHT.
RODNEY: I don't think so.
KG: Why not?
RODNEY: Because Bad News Barrett is heading this way.
KG: Oh no.
BAD NEWS BARRETT: KG, if you think Metallica is coming to your party tonight...THEN I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT SOME BAAAAAAAAAAD NEEEEEEEEEEWS! OK, my work here is done. I hope I get paid that really good check for this.
(Bad News Barrett leaves, and the camera pans on a disappointed KG while the opening to the Big Time Rush theme song plays in the background)
SEGWAY SEGMENT
CLASSIC MUSIC VIDEOS
Artist: EPMD (featuring K-Solo and Redman of the Hit Squad)
Song: Headbanger
Album: Business Never Personal
Year: 1992
Label: Def Jam/Columbia
"Headbanger" samples The Honey Drippers' "Impeach the President," Parliament's "One of Those Funky Things," Joe Tex's "Papa Was Too," and Brand Nubian's "Slow Down." The song was originally meant for Ice Cube, but it never got to him. The music video features several other members of the Hit Squad like Das EFX and Knuckleheadz, and is known for presenting the same hardcore, underground thuggish feeling that the song did.
SCENE 9
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SATURDAY NIGHT - 8:26 PM
(Every member of the Masters of the Universe has arrived. Jaylynn and Ashley are the only ones fully dressed in their pajamas.)
JAYLYNN: Alright, sports fans.
HALLEY: Why...why did you just call us sports fans?
JAYLYNN: I got it from Sparky, I don't know. Alright, now that you're all here, I want to go over the list of events for the slumber party tonight. First order of business on this here whiteboard (smacks whiteboard with green marker)...we need to change the group name.
ASHLEY: Why? You came up with it.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but it sounds kinda hokey. I feel like we need a name that truly represents what we're all about.
GILCANIA: Aren't you part of a group who's name has to do with testicles?
JAYLYNN: We can't change everything, Gilcania. Now...what do you think about the Anarchy Coalition?
ANJA: What does that even mean?
JAYLYNN: The Anarchy Coalition? Come on, Anja, it's so easy to understand.
ASHLEY: I don't get it.
HALLEY: Me neither. It sounds like it means multiple things at once.
GILCANIA: What the hell is anarchy?
JAYLYNN: Guys, you have to get WITH me here. We're a faction of anarchists who's sole purpose is to eliminate the societal ills and take back the meager government from the crooked bourgeois. HOORAY FOR THE LITTLE GUY! (raises up left arm) SAY YES TO A REVOLUTIONARY PROLETARIAN COUNTRY OF MORAL VISIONARIES!
(long pause; Anja, Halley, Ashley, and Gilcania are confused beyond belief; Jaylynn slowly puts down her left arm in embarrassment)
HALLEY: I feel like this is something you would've said when I first met you.
SCENE 10
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SATURDAY NIGHT - 8:32 PM
(Sparky, RK, and Wade are on the living room floor with papers scattered everywhere)
SPARKY: OK, so guys, tonight, our first order of fun business was to come up with ways to improve our favorite television shows. What do you boys have for me?
(wearing reading glasses and holding papers) RK: I came up with 15 ways for Plankton to steal the Krabby Patty secret formula. One option is to simply attack SpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs with a blunt object and burn the safe open with a flamethrower. Simple.
WADE: Where would he even get the flamethrower?
RK: He's an evil genius, it will be a snap to make one.
WADE: That's true. Can the flamethrower be solar-powered?
RK: NO, YOU CARAMEL BASTARD, STOP (violently throws down papers) (BLEEP)ING WITH MY CREATIVITY! (RK violently throws down his reading glasses) And I don't even WEAR reading glasses! WHY DID I HAVE THOSE ON?! WHY?!
(Sparky and Wade are heavily disturbed)
RK: I'm sorry, I just hate when people try to molest my creativity.
(Buster walks in without the roses and with his regular clothes on)
BUSTER: Hey guys.
WADE: Oh, look, it's Mr. 1741.
RK: You know, Buster, I'm thinking about having eggs for breakfast tomorrow. In your honor, I'll make Eggs Benedict Arnold.
BUSTER: I don't know why, but I feel like you've used that joke before. And I don't have time for this ribbing, OK? Diana blew me off.
SPARKY: Oh no, dude, what happened?!
BUSTER: She forgot we had a date tonight.
(brief pause)
SPARKY: That's not exactly blowing you off, I mean, it's not too bad.
RK: How is that even possible? You guys just made plans yesterday.
BUSTER: I know, it's ridiculous. You guys...I'm starting to think Diana is mentally retarded.
(long pause)
(throws up hands in the air) WADE: Well, if the pot calls the kettle black, then...
BUSTER: I'm serious, Wade. Wait a second, that might not be grounds for mental retardation. I'm thinking Alzheimer's, got it.
WADE: HOW CAN A FOURTH-GRADER HAVE FREAKING ALZHEIMER'S?!
RK: The same way you have high blood pressure at age eight for every possible thing Buster says.
(Wade angrily stares at RK)
RK: Yeah, you didn't think I would get you back for that schizophrenic crack but I did.
BUSTER: Well, I'm here now and I'm sorry for deserting you guys. It really hits you when you're standing outside a restaurant and everyone just thinks you're a well-dressed orphan. I'm serious, I earned over $200 for no reason.
SPARKY: Well, you're just in time for the party to shift into high gear. And I know exactly where to do it.
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Sparky's Tree House
Seattle, Washington
Sparky's tree house actually resembles an actual house. But it looks bigger on the outside. A Big Time Rush flag is on top of the house.
BUSTER: This isn't a very comfortable place to be in.
RK: Dear Lord, is someone's foot on my bozack?
WADE: RK, man up. You really think I want my foot on your balls to begin with?
RK: Oh, that's just rich. Faking the lack of space in this tree house just so you can cop some twisted homoerotic feel? Kid, you need Jesus.
WADE: THERE IS NO SPACE IN THIS TREE HOUSE! SPARKY, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU BUILT THIS?!
SPARKY: I was thinking you guys need to shut the hell up with your repetitive banter so I can press the button on this remote control that enlarges the tree house.
(Sparky does exactly that, and the tree house doubles in size)
BUSTER: Damn, that's improved. Look, a juice bar!
(There is a juice bar similar to bars you see at parties on the left side of the tree house)
SPARKY: That's Juan working the bar. I call him Juan because...nah, I won't go there. Anyway, a couple days ago, I was playing around with some tools and I felt that creating a cool tree house would be a great way to pass the time when we're bored.
RK: Well, Sparky, you have truly outdone yourself. This is incredible.
SPARKY: Thanks RK. This tree house is powered by imagination and reality. Welcome to Imaginality.
WADE: I don't like it.
BUSTER: Can we please just call it Sparky's Tree House?
SPARKY: No, EPMD said it first: It's MY thing.
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG: I can't believe Metallica's really not coming.
RODNEY: Look, KG, I know you're pretty bummed out right now. And I just realized I have a LOT of money to owe to people. But tonight is not a lost cause. We're having sex, damn you! We just need to find some girls who don't mind riding our scrotum without compensation.
KG: What about Maria?
RODNEY: Are you nuts?! Her and Danny have been dating for two years! They even SMELL like each other now! Go ahead, sniff them, it's gross!
(KG notices Omayra in the corner of his eye with a green-and-black striped shirt, and blue jeans)
KG: You know, I've liked Omayra for a while but I never know what to say.
RODNEY: Just be a white dude.
KG: Gotcha.
(KG walks up to Omayra, who is talking to her best friend Neema)
OMAYRA: And so I was like, "You can't dip French fries in mayonnaise!," and he was all, "Girl, if you're trying to ruin my dietary habits, don't even bother texting me back tonight." We have some weird friends.
KG: Omayra, hi.
NEEMA: Oh, I know where this is going. I'll go talk to some of the other girls.
OMAYRA: Why? It's not like he likes me.
NEEMA: Oh, well, there's a time and place for everything, sister. See ya.
OMAYRA: See ya. So, you're 14 tonight. How does it feel?
KG: Feels bizarre. I can feel something down there growing by the minute.
(Omayra laughs)
OMAYRA: You are definitely something else, KG.
KG: Yeah, definitely something else. Um, listen, Omayra, I've actually been attracted to you for a while and I want to know if you're interested...
OMAYRA: In having sex?
KG: How did you know that?!
OMAYRA: Because a lot of guys I've known lost their virginity at age 14.
(Metallica slowly walks into the house without being noticed and observes the conversation)
KG: Well, you know me. Have to keep the tradition going.
OMAYRA: Look, you're an awesome guy, KG, but I'm a few years behind being ready for anything resembling sex. And actually, I kinda just found out you liked me so...
KG: Oh, I see how this goes. Sorry to waste your time, mam.
(KG walks upstairs in disappointment)
OMAYRA: I'm not turning you away.
(walking back down the stairs) KG: You're not?
OMAYRA: I may not be interested in having sex, but I may be interested in you so I want to see where this goes.
KG: Well then, my name is Kevin Garnett Jennings.
OMAYRA: And my name is Omayra Garcia.
LARS: What do you think about this, James?
JAMES: It's really sweet, makes my asshole clench at how sweet it is.
(KG turns around)
KG: Oh my God. ARE YOU METALLICA?!
KIRK: Well, we sure as hell don't look like One Direction.
ROBERT: I'm Robert Trujillo.
KG: This...is...(bleep)...awesome.
SCENE 13
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(The girls are bored beyond belief, and Ashley is already asleep)
GILCANIA: Jaylynn, I have a question.
JAYLYNN: What is it, Gilcy?
GILCANIA: Did you...oh, I don't know...bother to actually plan anything for this party? Because it doesn't look like you bothered to actually plan anything for this party.
JAYLYNN: I didn't care enough to do anything. I just thought I would provide the snacks and you guys would improvise.
ANJA: Speaking of snacks, we're out of Doritos.
JAYLYNN: ANJA, COME ON NOW!
HALLEY: Oh, great, it just HAD to be the one least likely to do it. Anja, I love Doritos and you didn't KNOW I did!
ANJA: What do you guys want from me, I'm hungry! Every day, I get the strange feeling some horse plowed me into the ground and food always makes it better. It's not like you guys can relate!
GILCANIA: I can relate. I get the feeling any time I look at Ricky Martin.
HALLEY: Ewwww. Isn't that guy like, 50 years old?
GILCANIA: Of course not. He may be a little older than most attractive guys, but he's still attractive so you can suck on that.
HALLEY: Nah, Roman Reigns is attractive.
ANJA: Who's Roman Reigns?
HALLEY: He's from the WWE and he is so freaking sexy, it's unbelievable.
GILCANIA: Eh.
HALLEY: What do you mean, eh?
GILCANIA: I've seen pictures, he's not that cute.
HALLEY: You're either a hater or you're just blind. You're just a blind hater.
(bored) JAYLYNN: I guess turning into a stereotypical slumber party was meant to happen.
SCENE 14
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Sparky's Tree House
Seattle, Washington
(The boys have a whole bunch of trading cards on the floor, looking through them.)
BUSTER: Sparky, I have a question.
(knowing Buster is about to point out an inconsistency) SPARKY: What is it, Buster?
BUSTER: You're ten years old and you have no prior history of building things, but you were somehow able to make this incredible tree house in a matter of days? That sounds like something Wade would do.
SPARKY: Well, like I said before, I had a little free time on my hands.
BUSTER: That still doesn't make any sense.
SPARKY: You see, by doing this, you create a bunch of other questions that don't need to be answered at any point in time.
WADE: OK, so I have Migga-Metal, Fromartie, and Alakazor, King of Roontenpapple. Who do you have for your Trio of Terrorism?
RK: I don't really feel comfortable with the name.
WADE: Trio of Terrorism? It's not like it's offensive to Muslims or anything.
RK: You never know, people have a way of overreacting. Now, to counter Migga-Metal's Death Blade, I have the Sherbet Angel with the Enchanted Pillow Attack.
WADE: Are you serious? That's like Swampo, Lord of the Anthropomorphic Frog Nation going up against Hakumu and his Valium Shield.
RK: It's the Propofol Shield and it has extra Conrad Murray Thrust Exaltation.
WADE: See? That's why Hakumu is one of the most effective fighters in War Games: The Darkness.
RK: OK, well, I may not beat Migga-Metal with Sherbet Angel, but Alakazor can't stand the Enchanted Pillow Attack.
WADE: He can counter it also.
RK: You son of a bitch, IT'S ENCHANTED! You know what? I'm switching into my burkini. I always do well in The Darkness when I'm smug.
WADE: I think you mean snug.
RK: What did I say?
WADE: Smug.
RK: Oh. I mean it works both ways, so...
(RK is next seen inside the house looking for his duffel bag. He spots his bag and gets out the burkini, and then realizes he was going to wear it to KG's party. He takes a huge sigh, puts the burkini back inside his duffel, and climbs back up the tree house.)
RK: Wade, I think we'll finish the game later.
WADE: Well, we're going to be donning our sleep attire soon, it's a must-see event.
SPARKY: Are you OK, RK?
RK: Yeah, everything's fine. I think I'm just going to take a walk and clear my head.
SPARKY: OK. Well, have fun.
BUSTER: Don't play anything sappy or depressing in terms of music. It just makes it worse.
RK: Consider it done.
(RK climbs back down the tree house)
SPARKY: Do you think RK is still bothered by the fact that KG snubbed him for his birthday party?
WADE: That belief does have basis in reality. Relatively speaking, teenagers often go through a rebellious phase and lash out at those they consider stifling to their defiance.
BUSTER: Words don't make no sense.
WADE: KG is just trying to be mature and he thinks mistreating others is the way to go.
BUSTER: See, you don't always need to explain it in your incoherent jibber-jabber shuck and jive.
(Wade has a disgusted look on his face)
SCENE 15
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Metallica is telling a story to all the partygoers)
JAMES: And that's why I had to punch Jason Newsted in the face.
KG: That story gets better every time I hear it, James.
ROBERT: I'm Robert Trujillo.
LARS: Rob, it's been 11 years. No one cares to know what your name is anymore.
KIRK: I do. Somewhat. What's your name again? Chris Kirkpatrick?
ROBERT: I'M ROBERT TRUJILLO!
KIRK: That Novoselic guy?
ROBERT: (Bleep).
(KG looks at a picture of him affectionately putting RK in a headlock, then a picture of him..."affectionately" choking RK in the style of Homer Simpson while his face turns red. KG lets out a big sigh, and Metallica notices.)
JAMES: KG, what's wrong?
KG: It's just...I have a little brother and I kinda told him he was too immature to come to the party.
KIRK: Oh, you're going to Hell when you die then.
KG: WHAT?!
LARS: I think what Kirk meant to say was that you screwed up not letting your brother come to your birthday party. Trust me, he must feel pretty bad right now.
KG: Well, I have to make this right. I have to find RK and let him know I was wrong. He was staying at Sparky's...
MEANWHILE, IN THE TREE HOUSE...
Sparky, Buster, and Wade are still trading cards. The phone is ringing in Sparky's living room but no one's there to hear it.
BUSTER: Sparky, are you sure it was a good idea to not install a phone up here? Because...
(Wade punches Buster in the face, knocking him out cold)
SPARKY: DUDE!
WADE: You're welcome.
KG: I can't get through. Nobody's picking up. You know what? I'm going to the house myself and fix this.
ROBERT: I'm Robert Trujillo.
KG: Dude, seriously, it's been over a decade, deal with it. People didn't care in 2003, they sure as Hell don't care now.
SCENE 16
(Meanwhile, RK is walking through the streets of Seattle on a damp night. There had actually been intermittent rain throughout the day. He has on a gray hooded sweatshirt with the zipper, camouflage shorts and red Chuck Taylor Converses.)
RK: I still can't believe this. I'm KG's brother, how could he not invite me to the party? What does he take me for, an irrelevant waste of time? I don't think I'm Kidz Bop, you know! (RK looks through his iPod rap playlist) You know what? Why don't I just get into fight mode? (RK selects "Berzerk" by Eminem, which plays in the background; RK puts up his hood and now has an aggressive look to match his stone face)
(RK doesn't watch his step and a Mercedes-Benz ML 560 comes barreling down the street; RK turns to his left and notices the incoming tank of a car)
RK: HOLY SHIT, A BENZ!
(The Caucasian male driver with a beard notices RK in the street, who has the awareness to run from the scene instead of just waiting to get flattened)
DRIVER: HOLY SHIT, A WHITE KID!
(The driver is instantly nervous and in panic, swerves the Benz to avoid flattening RK and it ends up crashing into a nearby tree; RK's eyes widen from having witnessed the impact)
RK: Oh no, if the driver was black, I don't even want to bother watching the trial. Screw that, it probably won't even need to be televised.
SCENE 17
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky, Buster, and Wade are casually watching TV, until RK comes in)
RK: Hey guys.
SPARKY, BUSTER, AND WADE: ARE YOU OK, MAN?!
RK: Looks like you guys have been practicing the in-stereo trope.
SPARKY: We heard about what happened.
RK: The crashed Benz? Oh, don't worry about that, I'm perfectly fine.
BUSTER: Are you sure?
RK: As sure as the fourth season of The Boondocks being an absolute mess.
WADE: Good, because we've been on our devices and there are amateur videos of the Benz crashing everywhere. It's a good thing you're safe.
RK: Is it on WorldStar?
WADE: Affirmative.
RK: Damn, once it's on WorldStar, there's no escape after that.
(checking his iPhone) SPARKY: Hey, according to News 13, they're going to air your story first on tonight's edition of Good News.
WADE: Isn't that just tabloid bait-and-switch pablum with no reality semblance?
SPARKY: Probably, but they talk about actual events too. It's also a satire.
WADE: No, it isn't. And if it is, it's just an hour of stale, hackneyed satirical tripe.
BUSTER: Wade, it's starting. Good News is one of the few news programs that goes there. Just like Degrassi.
WADE: Degrassi hasn't gone there since 2007!
(The instrumental version of "She Watch Channel Zero?" by Public Enemy playing in the background)
VOICEOVER: Welcome to Good News. The show that's all about providing you newsworthy news. And if you're not watching, you're an idiot! Or an atheist!
WADE: I can't believe this is actually on TV.
BUSTER: HA! I'm both those things they just said!
(Wade simply glares at Buster, then glares back at the screen)
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Good evening, and welcome to tonight's edition of Good News. I'm Alasdair Wilkins. Our top story, police are investigating the crashing of an ML 560 Mercedes-Benz into a large tree. The driver of the car, known as Cliff Hutchinson, was trying to avoid injuring a young boy, believed to be younger than ten. Police sketch artists have already drawn a depiction of the young boy in question.
(The police artist sketch is of Eric Cartman from South Park)
RK: That's not even me! What the hell IS this, some kind of gag?
BUSTER: I think so.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: The police are looking into the possibility that maybe Hutchinson was texting while driving and fabricated the kid avoidance, but amateur videos of the incident, specifically on WorldStarHipHop, prove this is not the case.
(In the WorldStar video, RK is walking and sees the car before it can flatten him, and runs from harm while the panicked driver swerves the car off the road and wraps it around the tree)
CAMERAMAN: YOOO-HOOOO-HOOOO, MY NIGGA! THIS WHITE GUY JUST GOT FLIPPED, SMH!
ALASDAIR WILKINS: The poor kid who caused this will now be known as the Benz-Crashing Hooligan.
RK: HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?!
ALASDAIR WILKINS: In international news, the card game War Games: The Darkness, which has picked up massive popularity over the summer, is facing its first controversy. MacNamara Toys, the company that created War Games, is under fire for naming the player's battle rotation the Trio of Terrorism. Several villains coincidentally are Islamic and/or have ties to the Muslim religion. The CEO of MacNamara, James MacNamara III has stated that in light of the media firestorm, the villains will be portrayed as white. Experts say there will definitely be less controversy because the white villains will just be seen as psychotic and mentally unbalanced.
(KG walks through Sparky's door)
KG: RK, whoo, thank God you're here and you're OK. Is everything fine?
RK: Yeah, not a scratch.
KG: Well, look, bro, it was wrong of me to uninvite you and the boys to my birthday party. It was an awful thing to do and I was just doing it to make my party more mature. But it was never the same without you.
RK: You really hurt me, you know.
KG: I know. It was a rotten thing to do and I'm really sorry. Some things are more important than trying to be an adult.
RK: Well, I accept your apology. I'm glad you learned something tonight.
KG: I sure did. And hey, Metallica still hasn't performed yet. You know what that means?
BUSTER: More time for your friends to lose their virginity if they haven't already?
KG: Well, yeah, of course, but I meant WE'RE ALL SEEING THE PERFORMANCE!
SPARKY: THEN LET'S GO, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?!
(The boys immediately rush out of the door, but Sparky runs back, turns off the lights and closes the door)
SPARKY: I knew tonight would be fun.
SCENE 18
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Metallica is performing "For Whom the Bell Tolls," while Robert is wearing a T-shirt that says "I'M ROBERT TRUJILLO" in the font of Brock Lesnar's "Eat. Sleep. Conquer. Repeat." T-shirt; Everybody is headbanging)
RK: Man, these guys know how to put on a show! You know, choosing Metallica for your birthday party was a great idea!
KG: Thanks! And once again, sorry for uninviting you guys. I wasn't thinking and, I have college funds and...
RK: Dude, don't get too saccharine on me, it's OK. But there's one thing unaccounted for here.
KG: What's that?
RK: Where's the Masters of the Universe?
KG: I invited them, but Jaylynn said they were having lots of fun with each other. You know, she had some glow-in-the-dark weed she gave to me as a present?
RK: Really? What's it like?
KG: Awesome. As long as you don't smoke it in the dark.
RK: Sounds gross.
KG: It is.
SCENE 19
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Ashley and Gilcania are both asleep on the couch, and Jaylynn just has her hand on her forehead in annoyance; Halley and Anja are both blank-faced on chairs opposite from each other; Halley on the left side chair and Anja on the right side chair)
JAYLYNN: So...there are beliefs that the white man is keeping down African-Americans by structuring society in a way that they face nearly impossible odds at ever achieving any educational opportunity.
HALLEY: I saw that on In Living Color last night.
JAYLYNN: No, you didn't.
ANJA: This party has been...what the hell, it's been a waste of time.
JAYLYNN: Guys, we still have one last thing to do that's totally awesomesauce.
HALLEY: What's that?
JAYLYNN: I will pull off the Sleeping Pill Milk Challenge.
ANJA: I've never heard of that challenge in my entire life.
JAYLYNN: It's for the underground hipsters out there like me. You just have the glass of strawberry milk right here. (puts glass on the table) You have your bottle of sleeping pills here. Two of which I will drop in this glass. (Jaylynn drops sleeping pills in the glass of milk)
HALLEY: You're ten years old, how the hell do you have sleeping pills?
JAYLYNN: I know a guy. He also got me weed that glows in the dark. (Jaylynn picks up milk) And now, I will drink this milk and not feel a thing. (Jaylynn drinks the milk entirely, puts the glass on the table without a coaster, sits there for a few seconds smiling, and then collapses on the floor; Halley and Anja are shocked)
ANJA: You know, Halley? Maybe we should try...
HALLEY: No.
ANJA: I was just floating the idea around.
("Without Me" by Eminem playing in the background)
©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
IN MEMORIAM OF MAYA ANGELOU
APRIL 4, 1928 - MAY 28, 2014
ONE OF OUR LAST GREAT VISIONARIES