Bella was horny.
She passed the day by dry-humping chair legs and Jacob (who didn't mind), but nothing compared to her Eddie-Poo. She missed him.
Then, suddenly, the vampire himself burst through the door, accompanied by an epic fanfare of sorts. He was wearing a fake moustache and a parka.
"HONEY I'M HOME," he hollered with a Birmingham accent.
Bella proceeded to hurl herself at him.
In a sudden fit of passion, Edward ripped her shirt off, exposing her leather bustier. She blushed and swooned in his arms, waving her head around like crazy, as he removed her jeans. Seventies disco music began to play out of his arse.
"Oh, Edward!" she moaned, beginning to dry-hump his thigh.
"Oh, Bella!" he cried, with his usual dose of chagrin, his moustache slipping and hanging off of his face.
Bella was even more aroused by this display, and ripped off his trousers in record time. Edward cupped her breasts and squeezed them in turn, making "Beep boop!" sounds in a high-pitched voice. This turned her on as she had a secret robot fetish that only Edward knew about.
"Oh, Edward!" she moaned.
"Oh, Bella!" he cried.
"Take me now!" she ordered.
Edward flung his twelve-inch cock in her face. "But Bella, my love!" he hollered. "What about the foreplay?"
"Edward, I don't even know what poreflay is!" Bella squealed, bursting out of her bustier and showing off her amazing K-cup breasts.
"Your stupidity and lack of personality makes me so hard!" Edward declared, and his dick suddenly became solid.
"Oh, Edward!" she moaned.
"Oh, Bella!" he cried.
Suddenly they made out like the hormonal teenagers that they were (well, maybe not…) and Edward removed what little clothing was left. Bella's eyes swept over Edward's perfectly toned, glittering body, his various piercings and tattoos that red "Mum", "Love", "Hate", and "I 3 David Hasselhoff". It was so sexy, especially with the music still blaring from Edward's rear.
The vampire pinned her to the couch and thrust himself inside her. She was impossibly tight, even though they'd done it about a million times by this point.
"Oh, Edward!" she moaned.
"Oh, Bella!" he cried.
He started to thrust steady while she writhed under him. Dancing Queen playing out of his asshole only proved to make things even more romantic. Suddenly, there was rattling inside the cupboard.
"WHO'S THERE?" Edward yelled. He repositioned his moustache, which had been threatening to drop off, and the Birmingham accent made another appearance.
Jacob stepped out of the cupboard with a tin of uncooked hotdogs.
"IT'S-A-ME," he announced.
There was silence, and suddenly Renesmee streaked past with rose petals flowing freely from her womanly areas.
"Can I join in?" the werewolf asked.
Edward shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat."
So the three of them had sexy times together on the couch and all was well.
THE END.