The Haunted Bean
I don't have much time left right now, but I must write this anyways. My name isn't important; all that is important is that you know the danger I have unleashed upon the world…
Monday morning, my day off from work, I had woken up late and spent the hours after browsing the internet as I usually do, bored despite being surrounded by an army of free time. After navigating off the insistent, grubby hands of Youtube, eBay was the next stop of the day for my tired eyes to scan through in my bed-worn pajamas.
Individual-conquered eBay had nothing that could pique my interest: Used Xbox 360s, obviously broken cars tailored as 'Acceptable', and China-issued gaming equipment that I knew would instantly disintegrate by the particle the minute I unboxed them.
However, there was one item that stood out like a dog walking on two legs and, thus, caught my eye.
"Haunted Astolfo Bean Plushie ⬛ ▲⬛◙◆▢ ⬛▼◇"
There was apparently an error in the text that blotted out at least half of the title, but even then, the title was still a fishing hook. Even more intriguing was the image: some rolled-up bean plushie of Astolfo from the Fate series, the 'body' completely covered in white and the smushed head bearing some smug, stupid face topped with fabulous pink hair that defined Charlemagne's most flamboyant knight.
I was so confused.
"What the hell is so 'haunted' about this thing? It looks so stupid!"
I stared.
"But I also like Astolfo."
Traps aren't gay.
The bean plushie was only $50 flat, free shipping and Buy It Now available. Being an upper-class young bachelor, this was nothing to me. Surely it would entertain me and help me sleep at night!
As the days went by for it to arrive, all I could think about was getting it in the mail. Not because it was so special or anything, but I seriously just have a problem waiting for things to arrive in the mail. Sleeping on the night before arrival was especially difficult: Legs unstoppable from shaking in anticipation, thoughts racing like a Lancer EVO, and my turning in bed trying to find that elusive point of comfort.
Finally, the moment of truth had burst through the door that I had opened to pick up my rather small package.
"Guess the plushie is smaller than I thought." Says I as a pair of scissors glide through the tape, opening the way for my hands to rip open the top of the box.
My breathing accelerated as my arms dug through the protective bubblewrap and miscellaneous materials.
Finally, after I had produced a mountain of trash and crap, I saw it. I finally saw it. I finally saw it with my own two eyes. The Astolfo Bean Plushie.
I picked it up, staring down its stupid face whilst feeling the warm velvet texture of the oversized cape that completely overshadowed its entire body. The plushie was so small, I could fully grasp it with the just one hand; a firm squeeze.
"You're finally mine." utters out of my mouth, quietly, to the Astolfo Bean Plushie. It was like its oversized eyes chained me up and held me down in a chamber of compassion at the mercy of its mushy body; at the mercy of such a beautiful boy.
We both went to my room and I placed Astolfo on the table next to my bed where my lamp was. Astolfo could now comfort me in the darkest nights. Even if it was Barrows, Alaska, and I was combated with 30 days of night, Astolfo would be there as a warm bean-like shield.
However, my night would soon see a drastic turn. It was around 1:30 AM, and I was dead-asleep with a big smile on my face, knowing that my Astolfo Bean Plushie would be there as a guardian trap angel.
But suddenly, there was a loud 'BOOM' in my kitchen that had pulled me away from the realm of slumber. My body catapulted from the warm pillow immediately, and could hear more clearly the collapse of the silverware drawer and the opening of my fridge. The chill of the refrigerated air and the beeping of the fridge being open alarmed me to slip on my slippers and rush to the kitchen as soon as possible. Could there be a burglar in my house?! Or hopefully a small-scale earthquake that shook the bad side of my kitchen. Either way, I've got one hell of a mess to clean up.
Also, I didn't know if it was just my tired mind at the time, but I could swear my Astolfo Bean Plushie was not on my bed-side table.
"Goddamnit…" I mumble as I walk down the hallway from my bedroom to the main area of the house, past the bathroom parallel to my bedroom, and to the right of the hallway's end where the kitchen laid perpendicular to the living room.
There, I saw an abundance of my precious silverware on the black/white tiled floor. There, I saw my fridge unlatched and beeping. There, I saw a jar of mayo splattered everywhere on my formerly-clean floor.
"Fuck… Who the hell… What the hell..." That horrible post-nap taste lingering in my mouth with every word.
That wasn't the end, because there, I saw a small shadow shuffling through the light of the fridge. It was fast, undeniably fast, like a gecko, and slightly bounced with every small movement as small pitter-patters accompanied each little hop. It was almost cylindrical, and for a second, I thought I saw a shade of pink.
I was perplexed, and couldn't help but to step further and investigate the mysterious object, but the closer I got, the more I heard these inaudible and menacing whispers.
Then, right as I got to the fridge, I was jumped! I screamed as a small, heavy force tackled me onto the ground; the whispers now got louder.
I looked down at the force pittering around my waist and was terrified at the new revelation.
"IT'S THE ASTOLFO BEAN PLUSHIE!"
The small bean plushie of my favourite trap was now furiously ripping my pajama pants apart with vicious snarling, intense vibration, and Heracles-level power.
"You're gay you're gay you're gay." It repeatedly exclaimed towards me as I was ripped down to my boxers, it's smug, dumb face making quick work of my garments.
"OH NO IT'S GONNA SUCK MY DICK!" I scream as I slap the bean plushie off my crotch and run to my bedroom in hope of asylum. My boxers were almost in tatters; my Nekopara pajama pants now down to mere threads.
I finally escape to my bedroom and slam the door behind me, locking it. It seemed I had no chance of error when running, because immediately after locking the door, I heard the Astolfo Bean Plushie tackle the wooden structure. "SLAM", "BANG", "SMASH": These were the sounds I felt and heard as the bean plushie continued its assault. The small body had such a heavy mass despite its size; it was as if a white dwarf star was contending my bedroom door.
My hand gravitated towards my phone to call 911 as I leant my body against the door in resistance against the Astolfo Bean Plushie.
"This is 911, what's your emergency."
"MY HOUSE IS BEING INVADED RIGHT NOW." I yell as the interval smashes against my door echoed in the background.
"Okay sir, calm down, what is the situation."
"I TOLD YOU, I'M BEING ATTACKED RIGHT NOW AND I NEED OFFICERS."
"Wait, that smashing… Who- no, What is assaulting you right now?!"
"It's an Astolfo Bean Plushie…"
"Oh Dear God, sir I'm very sorry, I'll send officers over immediately!"
"Quickly please! My door is weakening as we speak, the horrible thing has the power of the Gods!"
"While you still can, look up where you go-Brrrrzzzzzzzzzzz" The 911 lady had cut out, signaling that my phone line was killed in cold blood.
"The hell…?" I mutter as I hear a cable pole collapse and crash outside of my house, the scream of its fall echoing throughout the neighborhood.
"You're gggaaayyyyyyyyyy." The Astolfo Bean Plushie whispers on the other side of my wall.
"No way!" I yell at the plushie, "You destroyed the connection to my house! YOU MONSTER!"
The crashing against my door continue, its physical state visibly weakening, and my hope in not being sucked withering away. In response, I lock myself in my closet and begin to heed the 911 lady's advice, which is to go to the eBay page on my phone, thanks to my data, where I bought the plushie and investigate what evil individual could've sold this. However, as the page slowly loaded up, I was horrified to find that the title of the item had changed.
The bean plushie's name was not glitched anymore, and was now "Haunted Astolfo Bean Plushie That Sucks Your Dick and Calls You Gay"
I drop my phone and begin sobbing, realizing the horrible mistake that I had made, how I was tricked, and how this gullible action could now lead to the demise of not only me, not only the world, but the entirety of space and time's existence. The version of the Astolfo Bean Plushie that sucks your dick and calls you gay has been fated in Lovecraftian legend to have the power to end all of existence through the space-rending ability to suck like an intergalactic vacuum cleaner.
Now imagine that power being used on a mere human being...
Through my sorrow, however, was a saving grace: the sound of police sirens, and not just police sirens, but also helicopters, and the marching of many individuals. The crashing of my door had stopped as I heard the pitter-pattering of the Astolfo Bean Plushie navigate to my front door, ready to confront the reinforcements.
I collapsed out of my closet and saw my ruined door, almost destroyed. Outside my window, I looked, was what seemed to be the entire U.S. military! Tanks, helicopters, even a carrier holding a nuclear missile; it was all I could imagine, and it was all I could think we would need to defeat the bean plushie. What I hoped could defeat the bean plushie. But from what the legends foretold, there's a chance it'll be in vain.
The Astolfo Bean Plushie bursted out of my front and launched itself at the thousands of soldiers stationed in my neighborhood.
"FIRE!" The grey-haired commander yelled, initiating every AR-15 on each soldier to unload their bullets. "POP POP POP" went every single rifle, but sadly, the firepower was no use. The Astolfo Bean Plushie charged at each strong soldier and sucked them in mere milliseconds. By the second, dozens of soldiers would collapse having their dicks sucked by the Astolfo Bean Plushie as it jumped and ricocheted off innocent man.
"YOU'RE GAY YOU'RE GAY YOU'RE GAY YOU'RE GAY YOU'RE GAY" It rapidly condemns to every victim of its unholy suck. Only a minute had passed, and a mountain of sucked bodies piled my neighborhood street.
'BOOM!' goes a tank, firing its unprecedented landpower at the jetspeed plushie. Surely with the revolutionary aiming technology built into these tanks that can predict a target's movement, this plushie would be toast.
But the toast remained bread; Astolfo Bean Plushie dodged every explosive round and every 308. Bullet fired by the remaining foot soldiers. The Bean Plushie then catapulting its tiny body at the tanks, denting their not-so-solid armour with each tackle as if the metal was wet tissue paper. Eventually, it'd break in and… Do unspeakable things to the men inside (the screams, the horrible screams) before popping out of the hatch and onto the next unfortunate tank.
"The helicopters should be fine, at least." I mutter to myself, hoping it's not a jinx.
Of course it's a fucking jinx.
The military helicopters give up their bullet ammunition and begin firing off their tactical missiles at the Astolfo Bean Plushie. The entire 30 copter squad, each unleashing six missiles at ferocious speeds, was truly a sight to behold. But beholding is not always a good thing, as in this case, my beholding would make my heart run ice-cold. The Astolfo Bean Plushie dodged and hopped from each incoming missile as if this all-out assault was merely a game of Frogger! The tiny body was almost invisible as it reached the higher altitudes, which was even harder to see as the launched missiles hit ground zero and exploded one-after-another, rendering my neighborhood into a mostly scorched land, but my house was miraculously still fine.
When the smoke cleared up, my eyes squinted to see one of the helicopters crashing into the leveled street, causing yet another explosion. Then another! And another helicopter crashed! The Astolfo Bean Plushie was hopping from copter to copter, sucking every man on board into a suicide crash. Dicks were sucked, lives were stolen, society was falling apart! I could hear my Television switch itself on to report the disaster I was witnessing, and through the tears of the reporter, I could hear in the distance a signal that the president was ready to fire a nuclear weapon to annihilate the Bean Plushie.
"Oh fuck…" I collapse, losing every single electron in my body, just about to shit myself from the realization of guaranteed destruction.
The nuclear weapon launch was audible, it was felt, the celestial vibrations coursing through my body. My end was near, but a solace remained in my heart as I remembered this would mean the possible end of the Astolfo Bean Plushie That Sucks Your Dick and Calls You Gay.
I weakly peek up to my cracked window and see the Astolfo Bean Plushie ready to take on the descending nuclear warhead. A pink aura emanated from the small, velvet body, and it began vibrating intensely.
"YOOOUUUU'RREEEE GAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY~" Astolfo Bean Plushie powered up even more, I didn't even know what to expect.
Right as the missile's Mach 3 vibrations reached levels to shake my entire house, Astolfo Bean Plushie pounced upwards to take on the nuke. What I saw changed my life forever.
The missile stopped… It's engines stopped… It fell to the ground with a colossal 'THUD!', but no 'BOOM!'. The entire warhead was neutralized and couldn't even explode. The Astolfo Bean Plushie sucked out every quark of kinetic energy from the nuclear weapon and reduced its innermost heat to a temperature of absolute zero. Everything… Everything about it had stopped! All that laid in my desolate former-street was not a nuclear crater several miles in radius, but a stationary nuclear warhead, still to the very proton.
My door fell down.
I turned around and my exhausted eyes confronted the Astolfo Bean Plushie. However, it did not tackle me, it did not suck me, it did not call me gay, it did not charge me $50. Instead, this small bean plushie hopped and bopped towards me, slowly, and suddenly injected the entirety of the annals of inhuman knowledge straight into my brain. I was overloaded! It felt like my head was gonna burst like a kid's head on one of those Airheads commercials. Not only did I possess a recounting of human, no, world, no, universal history by the minute, but my vision of life's deepest secrets was finally realized. Most importantly of all, I now knew the secret behind the Astolfo Bean Plushie: Why it sucks your dick, why it calls you gay, and why it's so aggressive against humanity… Of course, you wouldn't get it like I do.
I bowed down on my knees to the Astolfo Bean Plushie, and suddenly a golden sparkle enchanted my entire body, coating myself in the clothes of Astolfo and even replacing my boring, brown hair with the flamboyant, beautiful style of Astolfo. I was Astolfo now.
I walked out of my house triumphantly, now welcomed by an audience of Astolfo Bean Plushies who bowed at my entrance.
"Fellow Bean Plushies… We are going to make the world great again! Get ready to suck these humans' dicks and call them gay! WE WILL TAKE BACK OUR LANDS!"
The Bean Plushies all applauded with the pitter patters of their hops as I raised my hands in soon-coming victory, sporting a proud smile, topped with a little fang.
You may now ask why I stated I hadn't much time to write this, why I sounded so regretful at the beginning of this story. Well, because my conquest is about to begin, and I can't let it go off-schedule, can I? It's good you know this danger I've unleashed and realized, because it'll be all-the-more fun to know the entirety of humanity is alert to my statement! My statement that the Astolfo Bean Plushies will enslave humanity and take back their rightful world and finally return to being the supreme rulers of the Universe!
So you better watch out, there could be an Astolfo Bean Plushie…
Right
Behind
You~