Confused Heart

Is it love what I'm feeling inside? And if it is love, then why does it hurt so much? Wasn't love a warm and beautiful feeling? Or maybe I'm feeling something else rather than love, maybe what I feel is something completely different from it , or maybe I just got the definition of love wrong? I'm no expert in this subject, I just recently knew what it was to feel, to have emotions, but of the many emotions I've felt during the past time, no one has been so difficult to understand than this one… this "love" thing. It's been really hard for me. Do you want to know why?... Probably not but I'll tell you anyways, I really want you to understand me for at least once…

I think it all started some years ago. I was a normal nightmaren, like you and the others. I used to go around Nightmare, making visitors have horrible dreams and stealing their Ideya. I enjoyed it. Yes, you heard right, I used to love stealing that precious dream energy from the visitors. I also loved scaring them and making them go away and vanish from the night realm because I've woken them up with the nightmares I had caused them. It was my purpose of living. My passion. It was yours too, it still is. It's hard to imagine that I don't like it anymore. I know you hate it when I say that but It's the truth.

Everybody knows that the only things an average nightmaren is able to feel is hatred, pride, rage and sometimes even envy. But I was different. I didn't notice it until one night. It hadn't been long since I've learned to fly, and I was practicing new ways of flying or just trying to show off to the little ones. And when I was able to actually fly higher and faster than before, I felt happy. Happy? But nightmarens can't feel happiness right? Then why was I feeling like that?

I never really thought that what I felt was something that I wasn't supposed to feel. I just enjoyed so much being that way… being happy... that I didn't care whether I was supposed to feel that way or not. That was my first time. Of course I didn't experience happiness after that. I just went back to my normal self, my totally emotionless self... the right way to be.

Some time passed and I felt something weird once again. I don't know if you remember but... do you recall that time when you and Gillwing had a fight? You were fighting because he had collected more Ideya than you and you said that no one could collect more dream energy than yourself… that you were the number one collector and it was totally unacceptable that a stupid dragon thing had just taken your "title". I remember watching you fight. You were aggressive and strong, but Gillwing was bigger and much more dangerous. And I have to admit ( please try not to laugh ) that I felt scared. Yes. Scared of you, scared of Gillwing. The ferocity you put in your attacks, the wild look in both of your faces, your sharp golden claws introducing into Gillwing's flesh… it was just too much for me to bare. I just had to ran away, get away from that horrible scene. I was scared because I couldn't recognize you… both of you. You were totally different in my eyes, as if two strangers were fighting each other rather than you two. I knew you were violent and I knew what you could do when you got angry but I had never seen you so furious… so mad before. Same thing with Gillwing. I was scared you'll stay like that forever.

But … why? Why was I so afraid? Nightmarens can't be afraid! We're supposed to be feared and to scare others! I've never seen you scared… maybe because you're a normal nightmaren like the rest… no … you're different, just like me. I don't know what makes me think this way but I'm pretty sure you're different…. There's something in your eyes that makes you unique… like me. Maybe it's because we're twins, eh?

So, as I said before, the second weird emotion I felt was fear. I didn't want Master Wizeman to know. He would've think I was loosing my mind, I mean, what could be more ridiculous than a coward nightmaren? "Fear" and "nightmaren" didn't go together. So I stayed quiet. I never told anyone. And it worked, nobody noticed.

But as time passed, I started feeling more and more emotions and it became much more difficult to hide it from you, from the others. I remember snatching someone's Ideya and then feeling guilty because I had just caused pain to someone who didn't deserve it. I used to cry in my room a lot. Yes, I cried. You've never cried before, haven't you? Well, it makes you feel incredibly weak. I used to cry because I didn't like making visitors suffer. But what could I do about it? Nothing of course. I couldn't say anything to you either, you would've laughed if I told you I was feeling guilty doing something that it used to be such a pleasure to me.

It was tough, but I was able to stand firm. I didn't matter how strong the emotion was, I was determined to ignore it. And it worked. After some time of training myself a little I was totally able of hiding my emotions and being my emotionless self once again. But one feeling, one stupid feeling made me break into one hundred pieces...

Love.

Are you listening Reala? I said love!

At first I couldn't tell what was what I was feeling. I've never heard of it before. It made me feel funny, like if I had butterflies in my stomach, it made my cheeks turn red, it made my little and confused heart beat faster and faster, it made me feel lightheaded, it made me want to get your attention, it made me want to be near you. Ah, you got it now? Yes, every time you were close to me, I felt that way. It made me confused and I could tell it confused you too. You were confused because I was acting funny, well I was confused because of that too.

In my desperation of knowing what was happening to me I asked for help. I couldn't ask you, that was obvious, and I couldn't ask Master Wizeman. He would've think there was something wrong with me. So I asked the only person I thought that could know. Puffy.

At first she looked at me with wide eyes when I described how I felt. I told her every little detail. She told me she was surprised that a nightmaren could feel so many emotions. I stayed silent and looked at her with pleading eyes, begging her to tell me what was wrong with me. She then sighed and said "Love".

"And what is love?"

She shook her head and told me she didn't know exactly what it was, but she did know it was a very strong feeling and that it was normal for visitors to feel it once in a while. Her answer didn't satisfy me. So I started asking random nightmarens what was love. No one knew of course. How could they know about a feeling visitors felt when they weren't even able of feeling things themselves?

I have to say that my obsession with knowing what love was, was getting out of control. I searched everywhere, but I couldn't find anything about it. Though when I finally decided that it was useless to keep trying, I noticed there were still three people I haven't asked yet. Master Wizeman ( which of course, I wasn't going to ask him even if my life depended on it! ), you (I'm sorry but you would've mock me and tell me I was mad if I had asked you) and Jackle. The crazy caped nightmaren, Jackle. I have to admit I had my doubts. I didn't know Jackle that well as the others but he was my only choice. So I asked him.

Yes, I was that desperate.

When I first entered his lair I felt a shiver running through my back. I hated that place. It made me feel uncomfortable, don't ask me why, but it does. I found Jackle in the middle of his lair playing poker with himself. He always did that. He didn't notice me at first, he just kept talking with himself saying things like " Hah! Got you! You're bluffing!" or "For Wizeman's Sake! Stop winning! I'm the one who's supposed to win, not you!" and stuff like that. It felt rather awkward, watching him talk to himself and all, but I coughed slightly to get his attention. It worked.

I could say it took him less than five minutes to understand what I was telling him. I was surprised. It usually took me at least half an hour to make a nightmaren start understanding what I was explaining to them. I think he got what I meant so quickly because he is able to feel different emotions from the common ones too. And that was the most difficult part to explain. Can you imagine yourself explaining what was happiness, fear or love to someone who barely knows what being angry means? I know you can't, you just don't have the patience to do it.

Anyways, Jackle understood me in one hundred percent. He stayed quiet during my whole explanation, without saying a word. When I finished my tale, a very awkward silence filled his lair. And then all of a sudden he started laughing. You know that weird laugh he has, that one that annoys you as hell? Well, I never actually noticed but it was totally different than the other kind of "laughs" I've heard from all of the other nightmarens. This laugh was unique, not fake and shallow like the other ones, but real.

When he stopped laughing he looked at me with a big grin on his face. "I can be happy too" he said between giggles. But I already knew that. Many nightmarens like to pretend to be happy, but you can notice when the feeling isn't real. It's really different to be happy than pretending to be happy. And maybe because I was so immersed into collecting Ideya and into doing whatever Master Wizeman said, I never noticed Jackle was able to feel happiness and not pretend it. Everybody thought that Jackle was like that not because he had emotions, feelings, but because he was just crazy, lost out of his mind ( you were one of those people. You always told me to stay away from him because he wasn't normal).

He told me he could feel happiness, joy and sadness alongside with the other common and totally shallow ones we were all born with. Hearing this made my heart jump with joy. I wasn't the only weird one! I wasn't the only one who could feel emotions! After sharing a little happy moment with him (I was happy because I wasn't the only freak who could feel emotions and Jackle was happy because he is just weird like that) I asked him what I wanted to ask him from the beginning.

"What is love?" I said, I've asked this question a hundred of times before but for a very strange reason I felt as if it was the first time those words had crossed my lips. I looked at him with anxious eyes. He took some seconds to reply, maybe to find a way to make it easier for me to understand what he was going to say. "Well… love is an emotion visitors are capable of experimenting." Yes, I knew that already. I waited patiently to see if he could provide new information about this weird emotion. He stayed silent for some time and then he said "For what I've heard from visitors or seen in their dreams, it's an emotion in which two people care about the other one more than their own lives… or something between those lines"

To care about someone more than your own life uh? Did I care about you more than I cared about myself? Were you more important to me than my own existence? Yes, of course you were and still are. You must be very surprised by now. Do you want to know why I feel that way about you? Because you're my bother, my twin, because you've been there right next to me from my birth until now, because you've witnessed every thing I've done in my life, because I grew up alongside with you, because I feel incomplete is you aren't by my side.

But let's go back to my little story, shall we?

You just don't know how lovely it felt to finally know what love was! I was so happy, so excited! I almost hugged Jackle's invisible body… well almost. With a huge smile on my face I told Jackle how happy he had made my existence by saying those words! But well, my happiness didn't last long. "Don't get too excited though… I also heard that for love to actually exist both people have to feel the same way…"

What was he saying? Was he saying that for my love to be "complete" you have to feel love too? That you had to care about me more than your own life as well? I had to sit down for some minutes, I thought my world was collapsing. "That's impossible Jackle, you know that we are the only ones that can feel different emotions from the normal shallow ones… and how can that even happen anyways? Even you aren't capable of feeling this love stuff…"

He giggled and then he said with a childish tone of voice, "Who is the lucky one?". I didn't get what he meant, it actually took me some seconds to process the information. Was he asking about you?, the one who had stolen my heart, my sanity? I didn't know what to say. I felt my cheeks go hot and I knew I was blushing fiercely. I stammered some words which didn't make any sense. For some weird reason I felt embarrassed to tell him you were the one I was in love with. But why did I feel like this? Was it because we were both male at the moment? Or maybe it was because we are bothers, twins to be more precisely?

"Ah, so Reala is the lucky one uh? I knew it!" I froze at the mention of your name. How did he know? I asked him in a very weak and small voice how did he know you were the one my heart had chosen to love. He just giggled yet again and told me that thanks to the great amount of emotions I was able to feel it was rather easy to know what I was thinking. He said it was a funny sight to see. I think I felt really stupid that one time.

He noticed how my mood had changed, as I was silent and feeling really sad because my love will never be completed ( I had no idea why it had to be completed but I just knew it had to). So he then told me he had a plan to make you feel love. Yes, you heard right, we formulated a plan to make you fall in love with me. Aren't we evil?

We came to the hypothesis that just like us you were able to feel different emotions than the common ones too. You must be asking to yourself , "what made them think that?" Well, you are my twin remember? So we must be alike in some things, and maybe but only maybe you were lucky enough to have this weird gift too.

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Author's Note: So I got inspired again to write another NiGHTS fanfiction. Hohohoho.

This thing was supposed to be a oneshot for God's Sake! I think I just got too inspired (again) and I finally decided to divide it into two chapters. The next Chapter will be up soon C:

Oooh, and I haven't forgotten about Black Heart... (another NxR story C: ) but school is making me go NUTS right now so you'll have to wait a while for the next update. Sorry!

Ah! Yes... EVERYTHING BELONGS TO SEGA. THE ONLY THING THAT BELONGS TO ME IS THE CRAPPY STORY. C: