A/N: Partly AU and partly canon. I tried so hard to keep it pure canon, but certain things (like Hi-sama having a house when in actuality, she lives in the Hana Hime Den) couldn't be changed, so yes, here.
Also, the flashbacks of this story are in reverse order. Meaning, she remembered the most recent thing first. I hope you understand what I mean when you read it. Flashbacks are italicized. So when it's not in italics anymore, it's on present time.
Dedication: Why, for Maria, course! Hello there, my Secret Santa baby. I love you a lot! My writing's been so rusty, though, so I apologize. I don't know if this pairing works, but I sure hope it does. Merry Christmas!
Disclaimer: Nah, don't own it.
It had always been during moments like this—when you were in the presence of a lot of people—that you wondered why you felt so empty, as though there was a hole in your heart, a missing piece of your soul, a fragment of your whole being taken. You never found the answer as to why you felt so hollow, like a kindred spirit simply walking amongst the humans with no purpose and no destination—lost, alone, and broken.
In a room of such high spirits and festivities, you were the only sullen creature existing. Yet, nobody seemed to mind, let alone notice. You assumed it was safe, then, to let your thoughts wander off, albeit not knowing where exactly it would end up. It had wandered freely—very much so—that it managed to reach that distinct corner of your mind where you kept hidden your worst fears and deepest secrets. It went beyond the boundaries, unearthing distant memories and reopening deep wounds on the process. You were too overwhelmed by the plethora of emotions suddenly rushing through—invading every fiber of your being and seeping through each pore of your body—that you drifted off into a reverie.
It was not the best of days; the weather was painfully cold and you had not been talking with him for five days. Outside it was raining hard, and you mused for a single, fleeting moment that maybe, just maybe, the skies and the gods were all sympathizing with your pain. It was wishful thinking, you knew, but you couldn't have done anything else. It was your own way—although a pathetic one at that—of comforting yourself. You felt better, at least, upon the thought that somebody, imaginary or not, cared to share your pain.
You watched the rain fall down from the skies with a resounding plak! for a few minutes (or hours, you didn't really know) and resolved to sleep albeit with a heavy heart. Sleep was, after all, the only thing that kept the pain away.
Heaving a sigh, you lied down and stared at the ceiling, wishing fervently that he would come back home—to you.
Then came a knock on the door.
Your heart raced. You leapt from the bed and dashed towards the front door, filled with hope and joy and fear, not knowing to do nor what to say if it were indeed him waiting on the other side. With your heart racing from nervousness and from running a bit too fast, and with your fingers shaking, you opened the door.
And you saw him.
It did not matter that it was dark and the moon was the only source of light; you still knew him, then. It did not matter that you could not see his face or clothes, and that all you could make out was a silhouette; you still knew him, then. It did not matter that all you saw was a shadow of a figure of a man; you still knew him, then.
His hair was light blonde, his eyes blue. He had a scar on his forearm from trying to sneak out of the academy when he was young. He made an alice stone from his brother a pendant and wore it around his neck. You knew how how he liked his tea, that he would look at the ceiling when mad, and at the floor (while holding Izumi's alice stone) when thinking.
You had him memorized because he was the man you loved so much.
"Kazu…" you whispered, not knowing anymore what to say.
And then you threw your arms around him.
"I missed you so much," you said.
But he didn't reply. Instead, he removed himself from your embrace, and said those three little words that changed your life.
"Let's end this."
"End… what, exactly?"
"This," he said, moving his hands and pointing to himself, then to you, and continued, "us. Let's stop this madness. Stop seeing each other, stop this relationship. Just… let's break up."
"I… uh… what?" You knew it was stupid to think, to wish, that if you asked him to repeat what he said earlier then maybe he would change it. But it was all you could do. It was the tiny shred of hope you could cling to.
"Himemiya, please."
That broke your heart.
"Why?" you managed to whisper, your voice cracking and the tears threatening to fall. He was your first and only love; couldn't he see that? He was the only one you gave your whole heart and soul and mind to. You loved him more than you loved yourself. He had your heart in his hands, and with those two words, you knew he had shattered it.
Because you felt it. You heard it break into countless pieces, and you knew, then, that you could never mend it up. It was broken beyond repair, just as you were.
He seemed struggling for words to say.
"I, rather, we… this thing about us, well, our relationship isn't working out. We have a lot of responsibilities and—"
But you didn't have to hear the rest. Your ears were ringing and your head couldn't seem to come in terms with what he said.
"You have got to be kidding me," you managed to say, at last. "Responsibilities? You choose to end us because of responsibilities?!"
"It's not just that. Our ages are far apart, and well…"
"Well what?"
"I'm… afraid of… never mind."
"You promised me," was all you could say.
"I did. I know I did."
You stared at him, only to find him staring right back at you. His eyes didn't convey what he really wanted to say; rather, they just showed that he, too, was in pain, and that this was hard for him, but you knew he wouldn't change his mind.
And so, with a confused mind and an aching heart, you turned around, closed the door, sat on the floor, hugged your knees, and cried. You heard his footsteps getting softer and softer… until finally, they were gone.
But you didn't see his tears, nor heard his cries.
Everything had been going smoothly. You had been in a relationship with Kazumi for three years already, and not a soul besides the two of you knew it. You thought it would be fine; nobody would notice and nothing would change.
You were wrong, once again.
It started off as a wonderful day, with you feeling more alive than usual. It was the day after your anniversary after all, and you had just received the shock of your life the day before.
Kazumi Yukihira gave you his alice stone.
Yes, it was considered an intimate act in the alice world, but it wasn't that fact that made you happy.
He had the alice of Longevity, which meant that he could practically live forever. But he gave you his alice stone, and to you, it meant that he wanted to live forever—forever, with you. You would have to be completely stupid to not be touched by what he did.
And so it started off as the best of days. By afternoon, though, that joy completely dissipated.
Yuka paid you a visit and you two talked like you usually did. That was until she asked you, "Is it true that you are in a relationship with the High School Principal?"
To say that you were utterly shocked would be an understatement. A lot of questions were flooding your mind that time. How did they know? What did they see? Was anyone so sure? How many people have heard the news already? Did Kazumi know this? How was he taking this?
You were so scared and nervous, but you couldn't let her know, even if she was one of your closest friends. You swore not to tell anyone—not a single soul—after all.
Instead, you chose to act indifferent, and asked Yuka, "What kind of question is that? The High School Principal is younger than we, and we haven't talked for so long. What makes you ask such a thing?"
"Well… it was on the school paper, for one," she said, and you froze. Literally. She continued, "and rumors were circulating that he even gave you his alice stone. You know, for the alice stone exchange ritual? That's what everyone thinks."
"Well, it's not. They should know better than to believe some fool spreading false stories about us. It is true that the High School Principal gave me an alice stone, but it was because I am weakening—albeit a little only—with old age, and I am an important figure in the Academy. My alice is the foundation of the barriers of the school. Thus, in order to strengthen me, he offered to give his stone. That's it, and nothing else."
"I see. I'm sorry. I just wanted to make sure. You two make a great couple, anyway," she said with a smile.
You felt yourself blush at her statement, and did everything to stop it. You just shrugged and looked at the setting sun.
She rose up and bid you farewell, and then you heard the rustling of the leaves of a nearby bush. You didn't even need to look to know who the person was.
"Kazu."
"Hime."
"Listen, I—"
"I don't need to hear your excuses anymore. All was going well, but then you messed that up."
"What is wrong with you?! Do you honestly think that I did not do as you said? I told no one… you heard me lie to Yuka! Yuka, Kazu! Is that not enough?"
"How do you explain somebody knowing, then? What, somebody wanted to play a prank on us and happened to hit the mark most accurately?"
"I don't know!" You wrung your hands in frustration. "I don't know, Kazu! But it was most certainly not my fault!"
"Whose was it then? Mine?" He looked at you incredulously. "Everyone knows, Himemiya. Everyone! They'll be watching our every move, and even the ones we love. This is the perfect opportunity for the ones who want us overthrown! Can't you see how big this issue is? One wrong move and we can be thrown out! Casted away! We both know that this is illegal, but we carried on, promising each other that we would be careful and discreet. And then my brother… Izumi's being targeted by the ESP! What is he to do without me by his side? Who will defend him? No one, Hime! But what now?"
"I… I don't know. I'm so sorry, Kazumi."
He only gave you one long, hard look, and then turned to leave.
And you did nothing but let him be.
Your first anniversary date was the weirdest of all dates.
You didn't eat outside, nor go to the park, nor watch a movie somewhere, just like other people did.
Your first date consisted of going to a meeting with the Elementary School Principal and the Student Council, exchanging meaningful glances, and supporting each other's stands on the subject. You didn't even get to hold hands. The most romantic you two could do was to sit beside each other on lunch… with the ones aforementioned present, of course.
But he made up for it during the night.
He sneaked into the Hana Hime Den to meet with you. You found that alone very cute, although it was a thought you would not dare say out loud. You two did nothing especially romantic; you just held hands and talked underneath the moonlight. It wasn't the sweetest of places, nor was it the cheesiest of discussions, but to you, it was enough.
"Kazu?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you think we'll get to reveal our relationship without being… you know, judged someday?"
"I don't know. Maybe we can. But not soon…"
"Is it really weird?"
"What is?"
"You know, us. Me being older than you by more than ten years."
"No, I don't think so. My brother used to say that age doesn't matter when it comes to love, and I have to say: that's the most sensible thing he has ever uttered in his whole life."
"Now, that's being cruel. I think he's smart."
"Is he now, really?"
"I guess so."
"Maybe."
"Kazu?"
"Yes?"
"You'll live forever, right?"
"I could, yes. Why?"
"What about when I… pass away, and we're still together before that happens?"
"I won't let that happen, then."
"How? You have no means to conquer death."
"Then maybe I'll extend your life span with my alice, then die with you."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Kazu?"
"What again?"
"What will you do when people find out about us?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? What about our reputation, our positions? Isn't this illegal?"
"It's not like they can do anything. If they do cast us out, at least we're together."
"Promise?" You knew it was childish, but you couldn't help but ask.
His blue eyes found your green ones, and you could see in his eyes how sincere he was as he said, "I promise."
Ah, but you were wrong to believe him. Promises were meant to be broken, after all.
Your first (well, you decided to call it first, because it was the first after a very long time) meeting was far from perfect. It wasn't love at first sight. There weren't sparks everywhere, nor was there strong sexual tension. It was civil, to say at least. And normal.
"Hime-sama, it is nice to see you."
"You, too. You were so young when I last saw you. You've grown into a fine man."
"Thank you. I must say, you've always been a beautiful woman since then."
You laughed. "Really?"
"Yes, of course."
"Thank you, anyway. And congratulations on being principal. I'm sure you'll do great."
"I hope I do."
It was just the kind of meeting you wouldn't expect to lead to a relationship.
But it did, anyway.
You came to your senses when somebody suddenly held your hand.
Kazu…?
"Hime-sama, are you alright? You're crying," she said.
Oh, Shizune.
"Ah, Kakitsubata. I'm quite alright. I just remembered… some things. But don't worry about me. Today is a joyous occasion, and you should not spend it worrying over me. Just enjoy yourself," you said with a smile.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am. Thank you for worrying, though."
And then she left.
You mentally scolded yourself. Kazu was not coming back, and you should know that by now. What was the point of reminiscing past heartbreaks and moments together? And crying? Seriously? Meetings like the first one would never happen again—not when you started to detest the company of men, save for Shiki's and, well, Kazu's.
You knew that it shouldn't be that way. Kazu was your first love and first (and only) heartbreak, yes, but you just couldn't bring yourself to hate him, even though after the breakup, everything changed for you. You had been broken, and after all this time, you still hadn't mended yourself. But that never stopped you from hoping—from hoping that he would come back one day and knock on that same front door to say sorry; from hoping that maybe this was all a nightmare and you'd eventually wake up and still have him by your side.
But those dates and anniversaries and secret meetings would remain in the past, and nothing could change that fact. You even wanted to turn back time to change everything, but then that would be going against the plans of the Fates.
So you settled for the easiest thing—avoidance. You avoided Kazu; you avoided things that reminded you of him; you even avoided men because no matter what they do, you just kept on comparing them to Kazu. You noticed how their hairs weren't his shade of blonde, how their eyes weren't blue and their gazes not electrifying, how their ways of holding the chopsticks were slightly more inclined than his, how they didn't walk with the same confidence as him.
But in the end, you were running away, weren't you? You just couldn't face the fact that he wouldn't come back to you, because you were afraid of feeling alone.
And it was in moments like this—when you were surrounded by people, and Kazu was not by your side—that you felt most alone.
END
Additional Note: Two words, guys: SHIP THEM.