A Selfless Kind of Love

Part 1

It had been three months now, three long dark and empty months. Life went on around him; he though just went through the motions. Jackson had made him promise to live his life to the full, but he'd not realised just how impossible that would prove to be. He'd lost his first love, the man he wanted to be his only love, his best friend, his lover, his soul mate.

Paddy kept telling him to get out there and move on, it's what Jackson had wanted him to do, it's what he'd died believing would happen.

So tonight he found himself sitting in a secluded corner at Bar West. Where it had all started and where on that awful night it had first started to unravel. He wasn't sure how he'd got here, on automatic pilot maybe. He didn't want to be here, the memories were bittersweet, hard to bear. It was too noisy, too busy, the mood too happy, he didn't want to be happy, he didn't want to be happy ever again.

He sensed someone watching him and was about to get up and leave when a friendly voice made him look up. He wanted to say 'yes I mind you sitting here, so piss off and leave me alone' but the green eyes looking back at him were warm and as friendly as the voice had been, and they were set in a tanned handsome face. So to his own great surprise he'd said, "No," There was no harm in being friendly but that was as far as it was going to go, he didn't want to get involved with anyone else, his heart was still with Jackson, wherever he was now.

He'd had to watch the hope die in Jackson's eyes, the fight along with it. He was the strongest person he knew but he'd gone from loving life, from being so full of life, to what Jackson had shortly after the accident began to see himself, and describe himself so scornfully as being...a helpless, burdensome drain of time and energy on those who loved him. Jackson said he didn't want to go on that way, kept telling everyone he couldn't go on that way, and then had started to talk about finding a way out; he wanted to know peace, the sort of peace he'd never find just as long as he continued to breathe.

There was no talking him out of it, friends family, medical staff all eventually having to recognise his determination whether they accepted his decision or not. Hazel had at first fought him every step of the way, but with a mother's courage she'd finally faced the truth, she was going to lose her precious only son.

"You're hard work." Craig teased, the green eyes sparking mischievously, they'd been sitting together half an hour now, the twenty six year old doing most of the talking, having to do most of the talking, because he was struggling to connect, and every now and then his mind would wander back in time, back to Jackson.

"Sorry." He was truly sorry, he knew he wasn't being fair, Craig seemed genuinely interested in him, but he didn't have the energy to tell him he was wasting his time.

"I'll get us another drink, don't you go sneaking off."

He couldn't even manage a grin at the teasing and anyway that very thought had crossed his mind. It would certainly make things a lot easier if he did walk out while Craig's back was turned. Instead he watched him make his way over to the bar, he was tall, muscular, well fit, but was he attracted to him? No. He loved Jackson, would always love Jackson, he couldn't be attracted to anyone else.

Craig was a long time at the bar, chatting away to one of the barmen long after he'd been served, he'd probably found his company a lot more stimulating than his and who could blame him.

When Craig finally returned to the table, Aaron was aware of a change in his mood, he'd become serious and he was about to find out why.

"Aden's just told me about your boyfriend, I'm sorry."

Emotion surged up inside and tears threatened, and he had to look down to hide his grief. He hadn't cried in a while now, and he didn't want to cry here, not in front of Craig, not in front of anyone. His pain was private, his loss no one else's business but his own.

"I don't live far from here; if you want we could..."

"No!" He'd spat the word out glaring back at the older man as he did so. Why the hell would he want to go back to his place?

"I thought you might want to talk. I'm a good listener."

"Alright." He was on his feet now, Craig obviously taken aback by his sudden change of mind and haste to leave.

He'd followed the taller man out into the night, and they'd walked the ten minutes it took to reach his second floor flat in silence.

Aaron wasn't intending going back to his place to talk; he was going back there to satisfy a need. It wouldn't mean anything, it would be easy to forget, he wouldn't wake up in the morning hating himself.

The flat's small hallway led to a decent sized kitchen, he was standing in the middle of it now, telling himself this wasn't the room he wanted to be in.

"Tea or coffee?" Craig asked him as he switched the kettle on.

"Tea." But he didn't want a drink! He wanted to get laid, he wanted to know something other than pain and how ever long the ecstasy lasted it would set his pain filled mind free.

Stepping boldly over to the older man he leant in and kissed him, a hungry, need filled kiss, one he truly expected to be responded too. Craig hadn't got him here to talk, why would he want to? Why should a stranger care enough to do that?

He felt two hands on his chest, but they weren't there to caress him, they were pushing him away, determined to break the contact.

"What you doing?" Craig demanded.

"It's what you wanted; it's what you brought me here for!"

"No it's not, I don't sleep with anyone until I get to know them, until I truly care for them...and I know this isn't what you want either."

The green eyes were staring intently into his, seeing the truth, seeing a lot more than he wanted this stranger to see. Turning around he made for the door, he had to get out of there, away from the reminder of what he'd been prepared to do. But Craig proved faster on his feet than he was. He'd edged passed him in the hallway and was now blocking the doorway.

"Don't go."

There was a gentleness in his plea, a warmth he found impossible to resist, he wanted to somehow lose himself in that warmth, certain it would somehow ease his pain, and more than anything he wanted to stop hurting. But wouldn't he have to let Jackson go to do that? He wasn't ready to do that, knew he never would be.

TBC