Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
For what seems like the millionth time Kurt closes his eyes and takes a steadying breath. Even though he has already seen Blaine in his condition numerous times, the site doesn't get any easier. Kurt doesn't think it ever will. He decides he can't stand out in the hallway forever so he takes one last deep breath and pushes the door to Blaine's room open, trying to ignore the slight tremor in his hands.
"Look what I brought you! Red and yellow roses."
Kurt heads straight for the vase at Blaine's bedside table attempting to busy himself for as long as possible. Right now it is occupied by two dozen white daisies—sent by Rachel the card tells him. He needs to remember to send her a thank you card—that have definitely seen better days. Kurt has always loved daisies. Their color has always made them seem so pure and innocent, so full of life. Not these flowers though. These are brown and wilted from not enough sunlight and old water. They are nothing more than a shell of what the flowers once were. Dead and defeated and lifeless. Like everything in this place is.
No. Kurt cuts his thoughts off right there. That kind of thinking won't help him or Blaine or anyone else involved in this fucked up mess. Staying positive, that's what he needs to do. Positivity is what is best for everyone. Kurt decides to fill the silence with mindless chatter as he busies his hands with the task of disposing of the daisies and replacing them with the roses.
"I figured they might brighten this place up a bit, make it feel a little more like home. You would think they would decide to paint the walls a happier color than this ugly shade of beige. Although, I guess painting the walls wouldn't make it any less dreary here."
After he finishes with the flowers he crosses the room to the window to open the curtains, let a little light in. Kurt steps back and take a look at his work around the room. He feels satisfied for a fraction of a second before he realizes that it doesn't matter. This is all he can do, this small act to bring a little light into such a dark place, and it's pointless. No amount of cheap ass flowers or sunlight can make this situation any better. He huffs out a breath and rubs the back of his neck subconsciously. He feels useless.
He decides to give up on trying to distract himself and crosses to the chair next to Blaine's bed. He hates these chairs. They are awful to fall asleep in and they always stick to his legs when his stands up which, to be honest, hurts like a bitch. The hospital should invest in some new chairs.
Before he sits down he leans over to give Blaine a kiss on the forehead, something he has done since the second day. He's thought about giving Blaine a kiss on the lips but he doesn't think he would be able to do it. It wouldn't feel right because Blaine can't kiss him back. The lips are the same but there is no life behind them.
When Kurt stands back up, he takes a moment to just look at Blaine. He tucks a loose curl behind Blaine's ear and lets his hand linger on his cheek. He looks so peaceful and sweet, like he's sleeping. He remembers all those times he has watched Blaine sleep. The steady rise and fall of his chest, the way the left side of his mouth turns up in a smile but not the right side, making his eyes squint in adorable ways. Kurt can almost make himself believe that, if he stares long enough, Blaine will wake up. His eyes will open and he will make that cute baby pterodactyl noise as he stretches. When he realizes Kurt has been watching him sleep he'll smile goofily before kissing Kurt's nose. Then he will say good morning in whatever silly language he looked up the night before, a tradition of theirs ever since their first night together, and give Kurt a good morning kiss.
But it won't happen. They aren't in their bed at their apartment and Blaine isn't asleep, he's in a coma.
Kurt swallows down the familiar lump in his throat. He decided back in the car that he wasn't going to cry today. Positivity. That's what he had decided. He wipes away the moisture that had started to pool in the corners of his eyes and pulls the chair closer to the bed so he can sit down. The chair lets out a hiss of air under his weight and Kurt rolls his eyes. He really hates these chairs.
Kurt rests his hand on Blaine's elbow, feeling the need to be connected with him in some way. He's glad he doesn't have to wear the gloves anymore because Kurt needs to feel the warmth of his skin, the promise that he is still alive and hasn't slipped away. He rubs small circles in the crook of his elbow with his thumb as he fills the silence again.
"Do you remember when I gave you a dozen red and yellow roses my senior year of high school? They were "to celebrate you." I don't think I could have been more proud of you in that moment. I will never forget the smile on your face when I pulled them out from behind my back. Or the smile on your face later that day after the blow job I gave you in my car."
Kurt chuckles to himself at the memory. Once they had come off their highs they realized they were late for Glee club and had proceeded to dress and get to the choir room in a rush. They showed up ten minutes late with hair astray and pink puckered lips. Everyone gave them knowing glances, of course Santana made a crude comment, and even Mr. Shue had a hard time fighting off a grin as he settled everyone down. They spent the rest of rehearsal fighting off giggles as they exchanged dirty text messages and knowing glances. It wasn't till they were alone again that they realized Blaine had a bright red hickey very visible on his neck and Kurt had buttoned his dress shirt one button off all the way down. They had laughed so hard about it that Blaine had started to cry.
"I miss them, you know. Your smiles, I mean, not your blow jobs, although I miss those too. I remember thinking in that moment that you were the boy I could spend the rest of my life with. Of course I already knew that I loved you but I think that moment was when I started to realize you could be my forever. And I was right. You were—are—you are my forever, Blaine."
Kurt feels the moisture pricking at his eyes again and he runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. He doesn't want to spend all his time crying but he can't seem to reign in his emotions. He is just so damn sad all the time and the only person who knows how to comfort him isn't there. Isn't there to wrap his arms around Kurt and tell him that everything will be okay. Isn't there to wipe away his tears and tell him that he loves him. Isn't even there to listen to what he is saying. Kurt rests his head on the bed feeling exhausted all of a sudden.
"I don't know why I am even talking. It's not like you can hear me" he half yells into the bed. The doctors told him that they can't know for sure whether or not Blaine can hear him. That hasn't stopped him from talking. He has told him every detail of everyday from the start. He lifts his head and rests his hand back on Blaine's elbow. He looks at Blaine's face and speaks with earnest, willing Blaine to hear him through his fog.
"But if you can, Blaine, I want you to know-I need you to know-that you are my forever. I never believed that you weren't. Not through Chandler, not when I was first in New York and we didn't know if we could do the long distance thing, not through Eli."
Kurt lets his eyes fall shut on that one. The Eli part of their relationship is a dark part, one with many scars. But they survived. They forgave and loved and learned to trust again. They kissed away the pain and made promises and the scars smoothed over. They survived the most difficult thing a relationship can go through, and surfaced on the other side stronger. All these thoughts running through Kurt's make him a little crazy. He leans forward and lets his hand rest on Blaine's face. He needs Blaine to hear him.
"Not when we got in that fight over living together, not when your dad died and you pushed me away, not when I freaked on you for not being ready to get married. We made it through all of that, Baby. Everything that the world has thrown at us, we have taken it. And we have come out on the other side."
Kurt gives up on holding the tears back at this point and lets them flow freely. Blaine has to hear this. He has to.
"We fight, Blaine. We fight for each other and we fight for our love. We're Kurt and Blaine, it's what we do. So that's what I need you to do now, Blaine. You hear me? You have to fight, I need you to fight."
He knows he isn't supposed to but he does it anyways. He can't take it anymore. He needs to be close to Blaine, feel him physically. He toes off his shoes and pulls the covers back so he can slip in between them. He is careful not to jostle the IV or any of the wires. He knows how important those are to keeping Blaine alive, not to mention if an alarm goes off the nurses will come running and he won't be able to get away with this. He lies on his side and curls his knees up; sliding a hand under the small of Blaine's back and gently resting his head and the palm of his other hand on his chest. It's a little awkward and it doesn't feel quite the same with Blaine's injuries, but it's the same man, the same boy he fell in love with. He can feel the rise and fall of his chest, can hear the beating of his heart in his ear, can feel the warmth of Blaine's skin against his own. Tears are still slipping out of his eyes, leaving circles of moisture on Blaine's hospital gown but Kurt can't will himself to care anymore. Kurt is losing steam. He's so physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, but he needs to get this last part out, needs to make sure Blaine knows.
"We aren't done yet. I'm not done loving you yet. I know you aren't gone. I know you are in there and I know you can hear me. I know you can do this, Blaine. I know our love can do this. Just please, fight for me, okay? I'm not ready to let you go yet. I'm never saying goodbye to you."
Somewhere in the middle of the last part Kurt begins to sob. The end of his speech is barely understandable. But Blaine knows, and Kurt knows. Blaine is going to live and they are going to make it through this.
Kurt's not sure how long he lies there but after sometime his sobs begin to quiet. When his breathing begins to mellow out, Kurt cannot will himself to move from Blaine's side, cannot bear the thought of being a part from him. Sometime later Kurt begins to hum. He can't find the words to say anymore but he wants Blaine to know that he is still there. Wants his voice to find Blaine in his fog and pull him out. Back towards life and his love. So he sings. Moving from one song to the next until he gently falls to sleep lying next to the man he loves.
Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess