What He Didn't Know
Mikasa stood before the freshly covered grave and sighed. She didn't want to be here in the rain, looking at the headstone before her. She didn't want to be bombarded with the constant sympathy from her friends and she sure as hell wanted to get out of the itchy black dress she now wore along with an equally as itchy black veil. She refused to cry in front of her teammate and her friends. She definitely didn't want to cry in front of Eren, God knows what he would make of the situation and then she will never be able to have a moment by herself with out Eren or Armin coming to check on her. The priest continued on with his speech while Mikasa silently tried to scratch her thigh without drawing any attention to her. The priest finally finished his speech and the people around her began to dissipate and soon it was only Eren, Armin, and Mikasa standing before the grave. Eren put his hand on her shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze.
"Are you ready to go?"
Ready to go? Yes, she wanted to go home and sit in her room and deal with her grief in a way she always knew how too. Alone in a silent room, sitting on the window seat and looking out into thinking how she was going to go on knowing that person was no longer in her life. Then again she didn't feel ready to leave. She didn't want to go home to her empty room and expect to see him sitting at the desk scowling at paperwork or him cleaning the drain of the shower and complaining about why women have to have such infuriating hair that always clogs the drains. She wasn't ready to face the loneliness that will now be present in her life. She didn't want to go. She didn't want to leave him and she wasn't ready to leave him. Not yet.
Silently she shook her and with out taking her gaze away from the gravestone she replied in a quite whisper.
"Just give me a moment. I need some time alone."
Eren nodded and made his way with Armin back toward the others who where beginning to head back into town. Mikasa looked up into the rain and closed her eyes. What was she doing? She felt grief before. When she lost her parents, when she watched Eren's mother, her adopted mother, get eaten right in front of her, when she thought Eren was dead. However why was the grief so different? Why did it feel like her heart was squeezing to tightly and her throat beginning to hurt from the dryness? She never felt this kind of grief before and she didn't know exactly what she should do about it. Swallowing the little saliva she could muster she looked back at the grave and gave a small smile.
"I guess this is where I confess the things I never wanted you to know or tell you huh?" She took a deep shaky breath and closed her eyes for a moment before reopening them.
"I'll start from the beginning then. When I first saw you I thought you were rather handsome and I was slightly attracted to you. I loved the way you sat upon your horse with pride, like nothing could make you ashamed for joining the survey corps. I thought that you were a man who would do anything to assure the safety of his comrades and never put them in a situation you didn't think they could handle. Then you beat the crap out of my brother and I hated you. I didn't like how you could mercilessly beat someone just to prove a point to the court. I didn't like the look you got in your eye when you kicked him in the face; it looked like you enjoyed inflicting pain onto people too much.
So I held a bit of a grudge against you for quite sometime. I guess you already know that part sense I made it painfully obvious how much I hated you. However I bet you didn't know that shortly after I decided to hate you I also fell in love with you. After the failed mission and the death of your teammates I saw how vulnerable you were for the first time. I realized then that you where just as human as I was. You saw the same amount of pain I did and that you also try and hide your true feelings from those around you to save face and seem stronger than you truly are."
Mikasa smiled and closed her eyes as she relived memories and the feelings that she hid away until this moment.
"That was why I came to you that night. I knew you where not going to go to anyone else to deal with our grief so I decided to come to you. To say the least I was surprised that you didn't immediately kick me out and tell me that you were a grown man and can handle grief like one. Instead you let me in, gave me tea and instead asked if I was all right with almost loosing Eren again. You then opened up about what you where feeling and that, I think, is where our relationship began. We began to seek comfort within one another and that in turn turned into a strong friendship and an unbreakable bond. Three months after than you kissed me for the first time. To be honest I was scared out of my mind. I didn't know what to feel, anger because the person who beat my brother to suddenly kiss me, or happiness because the man I secretly loved might finally love me back. Luckily for you I decided on the latter than the former and kissed you back. I decided then that I was entitled to some sort of happiness in my life. I was so tired of loving someone who would never love me back because he was so blinded by his need to kill titans. I just wanted to feel loved and cherished and you gave me all that in one simple little kiss. Of course you and I kept our relationship a secret and I regret that. You have no idea how much I wanted to shout out how good you made me feel and how much I loved you but was too afraid of what the others would say. You where so patient and understanding of that fact and I cannot describe how much that meant to me that you would hide it even though you didn't care what the others though.
Then the night came where you made love to me. You didn't know this but I was so nervous that I almost didn't come to your room that night. That was why I was late. I actually sat on the floor of my bathroom giving all these reasons why it was such a bad idea and that I should just stay there and go to bed. But then I realized I didn't care if it was wrong or it was a bad idea, I just wanted to be with you and all because I loved you."
Tears began to build up and slowly slip down her cheek.
"I also wanted to tell you that you are a damn bastard to go off and die on me after that night. You where suppose to be humanities strongest yet you couldn't return to me after a recon mission, one that you have done thousands of times. You didn't even stay alive long enough to make it back within the walls so that I could tell you two of the most important things I ever had to say."
Mikasa put the heel of her right hand to her forehead and sobbed loudly. She felt exhausted and sick to her stomach. She wanted to vomit or curl up into a ball and let the sobs wrack through her body. She took a shaking breath and glared at the tombstone.
"I wanted to tell you that I loved you so much I wouldn't be able to live without you in my life. I wanted you to know that I needed you as much as I needed air to breath. I also wanted to tell you that I was pregnant and that you where going to be a great dad."
She vigorously wiped at her eyes while stepping closer to the grave before kneeling before it. She put her hand on the front of the stone and stared intensely at it, tears still flowing from her eyes.
"But don't worry, I'll make sure our baby knows all about you. All your ridiculous quirks and how extremely brave and talented you where when you where alive."
She smiled a bit and gave an airy laugh before leaning forward and placing a kiss onto the cool wet stone.
"The last confession I have to tell you," she whispered quietly with her forehead against the stone and her eyes closed, "is that I will always love you and only you for the rest of my life. I am going to miss you so much but I'm going to make it through for our baby and for us." She opened her eyes and looked onto the stone. The rain had finally stopped and she noticed how beautiful the headstone looked with the rays of the sun reflecting off of it. Her smile widened and she slowly stood.
"I love you Levi."