Manufactured Beauty
A/n: This is a Lacuscentric fic. I came up with it while re-watching the second last episode. This is Lacus' thoughts on herself, her father, her life, that Flay girl and Kira's relationship with Flay. Quite angsty really, but I think Lacus only pretends to smile.
Why is it that now I am doubting myself?
The war is over, I am alive and I have a home and someone to return to. Yet, I feel as though this is a dream.
As though I am fake.
Kira says he loves me, and he has said it often, but he has never kissed me and in return I have never asked him about that girl; Flay.
He didn't tell me much, but the crew of the ArchAngel told me more than I needed to know. Sai said that she was just using him, that I should comfort Kira because the pain of being used hurts like hell. But I could bring myself to do it. Why should I have to comfort him, when I feel the same?
After all, she was a natural beauty. I was made in some labortory almost seventeen years ago. But she... She was made directly by God.
He should love her, for she isn't fake. I was created; I am a doll. But she... Oh, of all the pictures I have seen of her, she was beautiful. When I first met her she spoke in harsh words, but I didn't let it get to me, as that didn't usually happen to me. It still hurt though. I didn't understand at the time why Kira had to protect her, but now... I know I love Kira, but love can mean so many things. Flay "loved" Kira enough to use him, I loved Athrun like a brother, Kira loved Mwu like he was Mwu's younger brother, Murrue loved people as though they were all family. Cagalli loves Athrun like a soul mate, and I love Kira as...
He says he loves me, but I think he loves that dead girl; Flay.
She was everything I'm not. She was naturally pretty and I was made to be pretty.
Her voice was naturally soprano. Mine was made to be.
I bet she could sing well. My singing was made to be that way.
I have done things of my own will and everyone respects me, but Kira's love might just be respect or pity.
He pitied that Flay girl when her father died, so he could probably say loving is pitying.
He has been through a lot, but I have handled more.
He says he loves me, but in reality he pities me.
He doesn't kiss me, and I don't know why.
He made love to that Flay girl, yet he doesn't touch me.
Is it fear that I am so fragile I'll break?
Or does he think it will lead me on?
Or that I might use him too?
He says he loves me, that is why I cry so much in front of him.
I can't tell him about my true thoughts, so I show him how I'm feeling.
He thinks it is about the war, or my father, or something else.
When really it is about him.
He doesn't understand.
He says he does, but he doesn't.
He is still in love with that Flay girl, not me.
And I don't know how I love him.
I care for him, but to call it true love?
Never...
I always smile, I never cry.
My father taught me that smiling would make the pain hurt less, when in fact it makes it hurt more.
Because everyone thinks that you are alright, so they let you carry on doing whatever you are doing, and sometimes, like in my case, it is painful to do.
I don't know why I still keep smiling.
Probably to make my father happy.
When really I want to cry deep inside.
Kira doesn't know why I smile either, so maybe sometimes he understands.
I never learnt how to cry properly.
I would cry for five minutes and smile again.
That isn't normal.
I bet that beautiful Flay girl could cry so beautifully that it wold sound like a song; while mine sounds like an animal dying.
"The most saddest thing is a woman who can't cry"
I am only a thing, you could even have a daughter who looked like me, sounded like me, and even sang like me. Then they could be me and I could be someone else.
Kira will never let me into his heart;
He says he loves me, when to the trained eye, he is in loved with someone who's passed on.
Pity isn't love, and it never will be.
So why do I stay with him?
Maybe I pity him?
Maybe we pity each other?
And maybe if he really does love me, part of me can't bear to break his heart.
I wonder if this is dream sometimes,
That my life is just an illusion.
But I can't wake up.
No matter how many times I say "Five more minutes" the alarm won't ring and my mother won't wake me up.
Maybe I am a child's play-thing,
And Kira is in love with that Flay girl,
But it won't take the pain away to know it.
On the contrary, I would hurt worse.
On that thought, maybe I do love him.
Maybe, but only a little
And I want him to show himself to me so our love can grow.
I gave him that ring because I cared for his safety and I thought I had someone to share my thoughts with.
Obviously not.
He says he loves me, but in truth he is scared I will reject him.
This is why I tried not to fall in love.
Then I wouldn't have these problems with past girlfriends.
But it doesn't work.
I used to change the subject when he was around to something that might let me know more about him.
He never did it for me.
He will never know me, ever.
And that is something that will kep on hurting, until that promise is broken.
And that will be the day he figures out about me, and how he feels about me.
And that'll be the day I die...
That is why I think he is still in love with that Flay girl.
He always talks about her.
It is painful to hear.
In fact, he talks so much about her, that is painful.
The only ones who ask me if I am okay are Andy, Martin and Murrue.
Martin wants to know if the mediator is okay for speaking to the public.
But Andy and Murrue genuinely care. They have gone through the same thing.
Except that I haven't lost Kira, but he is growing to far away from he, so I think I am losing him.
Hell, if I didn't know, I would've thought I'd already lost him.
He has every right to be in love with that Flay girl.
She was a natural beauty, while I was made to look like a princess.
If I didn't have that engineering done to me, would I be as pretty as that Flay girl?
Would Kira still "love" me?
I would probably have blond hair and lovely round green eyes. Like my mother's eyes.
My eyes certainly wouldn't be this big and my hair this long, but I would still be Lacus Clyne, most likely.
Sometimes I want to go home.
But I can't.
Neither could that Flay girl, but she had Kira.
And I don't even have that thought to cling to.
It was probably all because of the fact that she was a natural beauty, while I am a sin against God.
She was to die because that is what real humans are most capable of doing so.
But I could even die, no matter how many times I came close,
And the reason?
Because I am a pawn, a toy, an 'it' and I don't really exist.
Flashback
"Athrun?" Lacus asked as she stood atop a small hill outside Andy's house.
"Yes, Lacus?" Athrun replied.
"What do you wish for most in this world?" Lacus asked nonchalantly.
Athrun was taken aback by the question, but he answered quickly.
"True peace and freedom. Because some people will live by this law, but they will be secretly plotting against it"
"Hmm, that's nice" Lacus was staring off into nothing.
"Lacus? What would you wish for?" Athrun smiled, he knew it was probably a haro or somethign childish.
"I wish to know my true thoguhts, be able to tell people them and... You know what Athrun"
"What?" Athrun was surprised by her answer.
"You promise not to tell a soul?" Lacus said handing out her pinky.
Athrun remembered this move from when they were little. He grabbed Lacus' pinky with his own. He pushed their arms down as thoguht they were shaking hands, except with their pinkys.
"Yes, Lacus"
"Well Athrun, I really want to be true to myself. Or maybe be naturally pretty. Or maybe to cry"
"But Lacus, aren't you happy being you?" Athrun thoguht this didn't sound like Lacus.
"No Athrun, that is the main cause of my pain" Lacus smiled.
End Flashback
Exactly as I said,
I am a manufactured beauty
who's life is her greif
and she really doesn't exist.
The last line also means that she doesn't exist, because no one knows the real her. She is living as someone else, so the real her doesn't live. Get it?
I have borrowed the flashback idea from ritachi and her story Portrayal. You should read it, it is very true to how someone in Lacus' position would feel.
It is kind of hard to write an angsty Lacus fic, but I tried my best.
I may write a sequel to this on Kira's thoughts.
And then maybe a thoguth on Cagalli being a natural beauty.
I hope people liked this and to all those who think my writing is crap, I tried a new approach. You judge my work by one piece and cant even read the rest!
Please review as I would like to have a story with more than one review!
Happy Easter.
TearShield Alchemist