A/N: Ironically, I knew that my dashboard on tumblr was filled with some sour comments for last night's episode (911:Newborn King). However, I adored it. Most people know I'm not a Tiva fan, or even really a Tibbs fan, because I thoroughly shipped Tony with both Kate (and when she was killed, Jeanne). That hasn't wavered. This fic however, would not get out of my head last night after I watched the episode, so I had to write it. It's short, but I enjoyed writing this. So I hope you enjoy reading :)
Can't Say Goodbye
"Don't be like me. Learn from it."
Jethro's words burned in his mind as he stood there, listening to the retreating footsteps. They were words that he didn't know how to swallow. This man that he adored was telling him not to be like him, but to learn from him.
Still, Tony wasn't quite sure how to take that. Jethro also admitted that you couldn't fill family and work and be the best at both. So what was a man to do?
"Are you coming?"
Tony looked up at the man standing before him and gulped. How did he answer that question? He was sure that Jethro meant to ask if he was joining him at Leila and Amira's home, but somehow he just didn't know what to say. What would that imply? Would Jethro even understand.
He gulped again.
"Well!"
Tony looked Jethro clear in the eyes and could see the annoyance and frustration building in his eyes. He knew that if he didn't say something soon, that Jethro was going to rip his head off, or leave him there."
"Y-yeah."
He walked across the basement and climbed the stairs behind Jethro. Halfway up, though, he stopped.
Just as Jethro was about to reach the top step, he noticed that there were no following steps. He stopped and turned around.
"Anthony!"
Tony could feel his fingers shaking as he stared up at the older man. Every single one of his nerves were tingling and his neurons were firing too fast to keep his thoughts straight. He was afraid to actually speak, for fear that the words wouldn't come out in the right order. Jethro would probably just punch him and tell him to get over himself anyway. There was no way that this could be the right thing.
"Maybe I shouldn't go," Tony murmured.
Jethro walked down the steps until he was standing face to face with Tony. "What the hell is going on? Make a decision, Anthony! We're going to be late."
"Say way the name you my. Anthony."
"What?"
Tony huffed. Damn it. Get it together RIGHT.
Tony looked up at Jethro. "You said to learn from you."
"Yeah, I did," Jethro yelled. "And?"
Tony squeezed his hands into fists in attempt to stop them from shaking. They were cold from the nervousness. He could feel how hot his face was without even touching it.
"Don't be you, learn from it. How, boss?"
Jethro exhaled hard. "I don't have time for your antics, Anthony. Whatever it is, just spit it out."
Tony could feel his own frustration rising. Why couldn't this wretched, insolent man just ever read between the lines and hear what he was trying to say? Why did he always have to spell it out for him.
"The way you say my name. The way it rolls out of your mouth. It's like I've never heard my name said before, when you say it."
Jethro groaned. He slid the bike off his shoulder and settled it on the landing at the top of the steps.
"Where the hell are you taking this, Anthony?"
Tony took a step up, so that he was on the same step as Jethro. The space between them was tight. Jethro stepped up another step. Tony followed in suit.
"Why are you doing this, DiNozzo?"
"Even the way you say DiNozzo. It's like you're saying it in another language. But it's only a language I understand. Why is that boss?"
Jethro stared at him as if he were delusional. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Tony felt his stomach churning bile, and he almost wanted to throw up. Almost. Because he couldn't really vomit when he was less than inch away from the man that he so dearly wanted. Less than an inch away from those lips, from those piercing blue eyes. Less than an inch of what was, in his opinion, the closest thing to his perfection.
"How can I learn from you when I can't bewith you?"
Jethro stared at him a long minute as Tony's words sunk in. "Bewith me? What do you mean, Anthony?"
Tony leaned into the older man, pressing his lips against Jethro's. It was a long and awkward moment, and when Tony pulled away, he was suddenly wishing he hadn't done anything at all.
Jethro sighed. "You don't want to be with me, Anthony. You don't want this mess. You should do well to learn from my mistakes, not try and make them with me. Be with Wendy. She obviously still cares about you."
Tony swallowed hard to force down the knot in his throat. "I don't want Wendy. I want you. You said to learn from your mistakes. I want a family, boss. I want a family to go home to at the end of the night. You are my family. You're always there. You refuse to let me die, even though I almost do every day. I love you. I think you love me too."
Jethro looked down at the dirty stairs below them. "I love you, Anthony, but not like that. I'm sorry."
Jethro turned to walk up the rest of the steps. Tony grabbed his arm and turned him back.
"Hypothetically speaking, say you're saying that because you think that you're unfixable. That you'll just screw me up. What if I didn't care? What if I'm just as damaged and broken as you are? What if you're exactly what I need? What if I'm exactly what you need? You said learn from you boss. I'm learning. I'm learning to tell you how I really feel, regardless of what you say. I know you feel it too."
Their eyes locked for long minutes, and they stared each other down as Tony waited for Jethro's answer. Every part of Tony was squirming and churning with fear.
Suddenly he was flat on his back against the steps. Surprised, Tony looked up to see Jethro pinning him down to the wooden staircase.
"Choose someone better, Anthony. Choose someone who will be there for you in the right ways."
Tony leaned his head up off the steps. It arched his back in a painful way and he was straining to breathe, but he had a point to make. "You're the best thing for me. You arehere for me in the right ways."
He leaned his head up a few millimeters higher, and kissed Jethro. He brushed his tongue against the older man's bottom lip, and was even more surprised when he granted him access.
Their tongues dueled for a few moments before Jethro pulled away.
"We can't do this. It wouldn't be right."
"Who cares what's right or wrong? Can't this just be what is? You can learn from your mistakes too. Learn from them with me. Please, Jethro."
They continued to stare at each other for a few long minutes as Jethro kept him pinned there. After a bit, Jethro released Tony's arms and climbed the rest of the stairs.
Feeling defeated, Tony got up slowly and followed behind the older man glumly. As they stepped onto the landing, Jethro turned to face Tony.
"Okay. But if I ever hurt you, even just once, this is over. I won't lose you as my agent. I'd rather lose you as a lover first."
Tony smiled happily at him. "Okay."
Jethro nodded, stepping aside to let Tony through the doorway. As he did, Jethro slapped the younger man in the ass. Tony yelped.
"You better have a damn good excuse for Laila and Amira for why we're showing up late."
"Oh, I will," Tony promised. "And you better stop holding out on me now that we've had this little discussion."
Jethro raised an eyebrow at Tony. "Oh, boy, you don't even know what's in store for you later."