xx, Kait :)Dusk And Summer
She smiled in a big way, the way a girl like that smiles
when the world is hers and she held your eyes
out in the breezeway down by the shore in the lazy summer
"I'm Edward, you must be Bella." He deducted easily, they were the only two remaining people out of the six, and she was the only one that he didn't know, the one that everybody else seemed to love so much.
She tilted her head to the side, her eyes meeting his briefly.
He was definitely a specimen, green eyes, bronze hair, and an irresistibly crooked smile. "Edward, as in Edward Cullen, Emmett's brother." She smiled at him gently, tugging at the hem of her too-short skirt to better cover her legs. "Emmett never mentioned how beautiful you were before." Bella sat on the steps to the lifeguard tower, her plastic cup that had once been filled with beer was almost empty, so she took a final swig, she loved the taste of beer in the summer, and this summer was hers, she could tell already that this was her summer, it was her time to shine, to find herself.
It was all hers.
"I suppose that Emmett wouldn't want to deceive you." She shrugged gently, the smile was still plastered on her face, her plastic cup completely drained of the cool amber liquid. Edward looked at her, his head cocked to the side, an uneven grin on his face, "Why, Bella, you don't see yourself very clearly at all." She rolled her eyes at him, she had never really attracted male attention too much back home in Phoenix, she supposed that here she was somewhat of a novelty, the big city girl in small, homey, green little Forks where she was born so many years earlier.
"Why are you here?" She asked gently, her arms crossed loosely in front of her chest, the slight tube top she wore did nothing to ease the coolness of the night and the chill of the gentle breeze, she had forgotten how cold Forks had always been and cursed herself for giving into Rosalie's impervious begging for her to show some skin, damn it!
"I believe that I'm here to be set up with you." He smiled warmly at her, taking a seat next to her on the rickety step. "On whose command? Rosalie's, or Alice's?" She asked, smiling, it was funny that they had chosen the perfect boy for her though, with perfect skin, sparkling eyes and an uneven grin, he was immeasurably gorgeous. Edward chuckled lightly, "I believe it was Rosalie. My sister, Alice, would never dream of setting me up with you, she doesn't like burdening pretty girls such as yourself with me." "I hardly see you as a burden." Their eyes met, and electrical currents danced through their bodies like ballerinas, with the perfect twists, turns and leaps at the right moments.
Their foreheads pressed together most intimately, their noses grazing gently as they gently leaned in, their lips meeting tenderly, the slight sliver of moon illuminated them, his angular features and her rounder, softer ones, and the shadow of his eyelashes against his cheeks, to anybody watching it seemed like romance blossomed in that instant, that one intimate moment.
And then, within that perfect moment, everything seemed to happen.
One of his hands went gently to her waist, the other found her hand, and just like that, they wasted moments together, holding hands and kissing softly beneath the moon and stars on the stairs of the rickety old lifeguards tower that had been there forever.
Bella pulled away first, her eyelids weighing heavily, still closed. Her forehead rested against his until her ragged breathing slowed to a normal, calm rate, and she slowly opened her eyes, dark, like melted chocolate on a summer day. "I don't…" She paused for a moment, their hands still tangled at her side, "I don't usually do that sort of thing, least of all with a boy that I've just met." He grinned, resting his forehead against hers once more. "I should hope not." He smiled crookedly at her; "I'm not usually so forward either." He admitted, slightly shyly rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb.
"That's always good to know." She smiled largely; "So, Edward Cullen, what happens next?" She asked, her hand stroking his hair softly, they looked like a scene right out of a movie, and it felt like a dream, Bella, plain, unoriginal, painfully average Bella had never imagined that she could have this, she had never once thought that her friends could get it so right, but also, she never imagined that she, herself, could not ruin something so perfect.
"Perhaps I could get you a drink, another beer, for now, and tomorrow I could take you out to dinner somewhere nice. I'd like to show off my new girlfriend." Bella laughed lightly, melodically, "That sounds nice, I should hope that your girlfriend doesn't get too jealous, in that case." Edward grinned back at her, and then rolled his eyes. "Bella." He pursed his lips, "You are the girlfriend." She laughed loudly, she didn't know if it was the beer or his intoxicating eyes. "I don't recall you asking." She remarked smartly, with an inviting smile. He brought his lips to hers once more, softly and innocently, their fingers knotted together at her side once more. "Well, I just assumed. But I suppose that maybe I should ask. So Bella, would you be my girlfriend?"
She giggled, as if she didn't have a care in the world. "Edward Cullen, that would be wonderful." She stroked his hair; "Is this the part where we kiss?" He whispered softly, their foreheads touching gently.
She responded to him easily, pushing her lips forward to meet his.
"Does that answer your question?" She asked, her lips parted, teeth bared in a perfect smile. "I don't think so, I suppose you should try again." He suggested with a wide-eyed innocence about him that she hadn't noticed before.
And she pulled you in, and she bit your lip, and she made you hers
she looked deep into you as you lay together quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer.
They sat at the same beach two weeks later, two weeks that had been filled with small talk, long kisses, and learning little, inconsequential things about each other, like Edward's favorite movie was Titanic, and Bella was allergic to pineapple.
"This is beautiful." He told her as she sunk into his chest, the both of them watching as the sun set, the dark twilight was a beautiful backdrop for anything, sharing it with somebody you cared about made it more beautiful than anything, sharing it with Bella was what made Edward happy.
"Edward?" Bella looked up at him through heavily lidded eyes, today they shone in the twilight, the same color of wine as its legs trickled down into a crystal glass. "Yes, love." He replied easily, two weeks of this, and he felt that he would never get tired of it; he would never get tired of her. "I think I love you." She looked at him properly, as if she could see right through his skin, his bones, right into the heart of him, right into his soul, which was all Bella anyway.
He kissed her softly. "That's quite alright, darling. I think I might love you, too." He grinned crookedly at her, knowing that nothing could ruin this, their moment. "When did you know?" She asked, her head lolled back against his chest, and then, she looked more beautiful than he would have ever imagined. He ran his hand through her hair leisurely; "Know what, love?" She brought him down to her and kissed his lips.
"That you just might love me, of course." She caressed his cheek, noticing his sharp jaw, his strong nose, soft lips, and his green eyes, the color of freshly cut grass. "Ahh…" He grinned knowingly, his eyes twinkling brightly, like two flashing stars in the sky. "That's easy. The moment that I first saw you, with Rosalie, dancing to Cascada songs. You were bathed in light from the bonfire, your skin had this amazing glow to it, your eyes positively shone, and your skin gleamed, love, I knew then that you were the one for me." She laughed, it sounded like music. "You're corny, and lame, but not wrong. That was Cascada we were dancing to. I can't believe you seriously noticed that." She smiled and straddled him, their faces only centimeters away. "I knew just before we kissed, after all those awful lines that you used on me, when I looked into your eyes, and I could feel the sparks, and it was like electricity flowing through my veins and not blood, that's when I knew." His hands ran slowly through her wavy hair, dark curls cascading down her back.
"Our story is pretty magic, maybe I could write a book all about it." She laughed loudly, one of her hands settled on his shoulder, the other wrapped around his neck. "What would you write about exactly?" She asked, interested in his answer. "I would write about love, about how you wait a lifetime for it, about how you can find it in an instant, and how it feels so fleeting, like it'll slip right through your fingers, yet at the same time, how it lasts for an eternity. I would write about how it comes unexpectedly, at a time in your life when you aren't thinking it could be there, when you aren't even looking for it, for the one, but then the one comes, and you can't ignore it, and how when it ends, when the end finally comes and you have to let go, you let go, even though it hurts the both of you because it has to happen, but then you don't ever completely let them go because you'll always keep them in your heart, where they will always matter." He smiled the crooked smile at her. "That's beautiful, and it sounds about right, we are pretty magical." She found his lips easily, tugging gently at his bottom lip, a droplet of blood trickling onto her warm lips.
She pulled away, her chest heaving. "So, do you think that we will last for an eternity?" She asked, caressing his cheeks, their lips almost touching. "Of course love, of course we will last forever. We're magic, remember that. And I love you, that's all that we need, just you and me, we can run away from here and never come back, all we need is us, and that will get us through, I can guarantee it." He held her face in his hands and pressed his lips to hers. "How can you believe that? How can you know, how can you be sure?" She asked desperately, her arms securely wound around his neck. "Because I love you, and I believe that that's enough for forever." He told her simply.
"You're like magic." She told him, kissing him so lightly that he could barely taste the beer from her lips. He pushed her hair behind her ear; "You bring it out in me. You make me magic." He assured her, and that night, he promised her forever, out there on the beach, on their beach, he promised her forever.
"Isabella Marie Swan, I will never let you go." He pulled her onto her feet and there they danced to Dust In The Wind, singing along to the lyrics, deciding that they would last longer than the earth and sky, even if they were just dust in the wind, just like everything else around them.
And just like everything else around them, like the grains of sand that squished between their toes, they too would one day be carried around on the wind, like nothing important, yesterday's news, and not the magical love story that they had once been.
He tackled her to the ground, their bodies lying entwined on the sand, bathed in nothing but the silver moonlight from overhead. "I love you, Bella. Now and forever." His hand found hers, just as easily as his lips found hers. "I'll love you for all of time, Edward Cullen." She smiled against his lips.
But you've already lost
when you only had barely enough to hang on.
Weeks passed quickly, like days and minutes, and before anybody had even turned their heads, another month had passed with trips to the beach, the aquarium, the zoo, and everywhere inbetween. They had explored Forks like two tourists, in awe and wonder at everything, noticing things like it was the first time that they had been seen.
The time continued to fade, though, and the summer was ending.
"Hey, sweet. What are you doing?" He questioned, wrapping his arms around her from behind. "I'm busy, Edward. I've got to start packing my things." Her voice was cold and emotionless, her skin cool, like ice, despite the thick, sweltering summer heat.
"Bella, love? There's two weeks left. You don't have to torture yourself with this right now." She turned to face him, "Yes, well, I can't exactly leave things until last minute, Edward." She busied herself with one of her favorite outfits, her little red dress, he loved it too.
"It hurts to see you like this, Isabella." She gave him a slight smile, "Life hurts, love." She reminded him sadly; "It doesn't have to." He told her seriously, "We're magic, remember?" He told her, "We're fools, Edward, not magic, fools." He came up to her, a hand on her shoulder, "We'll always be magic, Bells. I told you, as long as we've got each other, as long as we've got love, we've got everything that we'll ever need."
He spun her in a half-circle, "Come outside, love." He offered, taking her small hand in his much larger one. "I'd rather not, Edward, I have so much to do, and not nearly enough time on my hands." She pulled her hand from his grasp.
"Summer brought me here, Edward, and fall will take me away. What does that leave us with, Edward? Weeks that we've wasted on each other, parts of ourselves that we've given to each other that we'll never be able to take back." He looked sunken, but still like a model, the way that he always had, even that first night out on their beach. "That leaves us with the meantime. Is that what you think, though? That what we've had was a waste that you wish you had never given me that part of you, that one part that you just can't take back. If that truly is how you feel Isabella, then I'll leave you alone, gladly." He turned away from her, "Edward, wait. Oh, Edward, that isn't what I meant at all. I just don't want this to end, Edward. I don't want two more weeks, I want a whole lifetime with you, because I love you so much." He turned and smiled crookedly, in the way that only he knew how to do.
"I'm glad you feel that way, because I think that what we did was beautiful, I don't think that I could have ever imagined anything more amazing than what we had last night. That kind of magic is unparalleled. It's beyond magic, it's fate."
Bella, his beautiful Bella, still looked beaten, as if she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders, but he ignored it, she deserved to be happy, and if she was going to pretend that she was okay, even though it would all end in two short weeks, then he could just as easily pretend that he did not notice her pretend.
"Edward, you should leave, go home now, I have some things to do, errands to run, I'll call you later though, we could go to dinner, or to one of Rosalie's parties. Whatever you want." He turned, shoulders slumped, knowing that he had lost, and he pretended not to see the tears that spilled over her pale cheeks.
And she combed your hair, and she kissed your teeth
and she made you better than you'd been before
she told you bad things you wished you could change in the lazy summer
"It's a nice day out here, isn't it?" She asked with a slight smile, their fingers tangled together as they walked across the sand. "We've been lucky this year, it's been a really warm summer, it rarely ever gets this hot and humid." She smiled tightly, "I guess I brought the weather over with me." He laughed the musical laugh that he had always had. "I suppose you did." He ruffled her hair softly. "It's been a beautiful summer though; I can definitely say I've never had such a perfect summer in my life." He smiled down at her, "Me either, Bells. It worries me, though, because it makes me wonder if I'll ever get anything so perfect ever again, but just looking at you, it makes me know that it is possible, as long as I've got you, everything will be perfect."
"You're an amazing person, Edward. The things you say, it's like they're read from a script, but your words are so honest. You just, you have this way with words, and it makes me feel like I am this amazing person, and I feel like… I feel like I truly am the way that you see me, because you make me feel so perfect."
He pulled her tighter to him, "You shouldn't have to have me to make you feel that way, Bella, you should feel perfect all the time, because you are, you are the most perfect person on this planet and you simply don't see it, and I don't know why because I could see it in that first moment, when our eyes locked and we felt that electricity, that was when I could tell you were perfect and I loved you, and that night, I knew that night that I would love you forever." She pressed a light kiss to his jaw.
"Let's just go to the beach. They'll be waiting for us by now." She looped an arm around his waist as they walked, one of his hands in the back pocket of her jeans, there was no point in being shy anymore, no point in being coy, by now their close friends all knew that they had finally slept together, and there was no use in hiding it, which made it harder when they both felt like crying out whenever they thought about the time restraints on their relationship and the way that come two weeks, their bliss would come to an end.
They walked the short walk to the beach silently, Bella walked up the stairs of the lifeguards tower, and Edward greeted the other boys and drank beer with them.
Bella leaned against the wooden railing, her eyes closed as she watched the scene unfold in front of her, Edward would be fine without her, these people would take care of him, she was sure, she just hoped that somehow, somewhere along the line, that maybe she would be okay too.
"Bells?" Rosalie handed her a cold bottle of beer, the froth bubbling over the top of the bottle, "Yes, Rose?" She looked at her old friend, "Are you okay? You seem so off… You aren't off with Edward tonight." She observed, trying to read her friend. "Yes, I'm fine." Bella took a sip of the cool beer, cringing slightly at the coolness of it. "I'm just letting Edward get reacquainted with the boys, I feel like I've been taking him away from them lately, speaking of our boys, why are you not with Emmett?" She asked with a cocked eyebrow, Rosalie merely rolled her eyes. "Me and Emmett, as good as we are, we will never be you and Edward, and as such, we will never need each other the way that you two do. Talk to him, honey. He loves you, he'll understand." Bella smiled slightly, the familiar feeling tugging at her lips. "Thanks Rose. I think I will."
Bella descended the stairs as gracefully as she knew, making her way to the glowing embers of the bonfire. "Edward, come with me." He gave a brief wave to Emmett and Jasper, linking his hand with Bella's and strolling leisurely across the warm sand. "What is it, love?" He took a sip of his beer as they slowly sunk into the still warm sand, the moon casting a light glow across their features.
"I just wanted to spend time with you, Edward." She sipped on her own beer slowly, their hands still tangled together lightly. "You know that there's nothing that I would rather do then spend time with you." His eyes glinted silver-blue in the pale moonlight, Bella's glowed charcoal black.
Edward swigged the last of his beer, setting down the glass bottle in the sand he held Bella in his arms. "We need to talk." Bella turned in his embrace, her empty beer bottle next to his. "What is it? What's on your mind?" His eyes stared into hers, silver along with the shining of the moon.
"I was just thinking," she ran her hands through his hair, dark and ruffled by the wind, "About you, about me, about us." He smiled against her lips, "And what sort of conclusion did you come to, darling?" "Not a conclusion, per se, but I think that I see things clearly now, that thanks to you, I understand things now, about life and love, things that I thought that I had known before, but really I knew nothing. You've showed me that love doesn't have to go on forever to be able to last, because even though I leave soon, and you stay here, we can still go on, and it'll be a memory like a song, and it'll play on a low volume in the back of my mind all the time, and I'll never forget the words."
She combed her fingers through his hair softly, "And if for some reason, we don't last forever, our beer bottles will rest here, along with the memory of your kisses and the sound of your laugh, right here on this beach. And right here on this beach, Edward, we will always be together; forever." His hands brushed her hair away from her face as he stared at her intently. "At first, I didn't want to fall in love with you, because I would inevitably have to leave at the end of the summer, and it felt so much closer than it was, because in those days, I could feel everything, you know? When I knew, when I first knew for sure that I was in love with you, I wished for it to be anything but that, because I knew that I would have to leave eventually, and that would hurt far more than anything else, but now, looking at it, it doesn't matter how much it may hurt in the long run, because at the end of the day I had you, and I loved you, and that's more important than any hurt I'll ever feel, because you're worth it, Edward." She smiled at him weakly, "That's how you make me feel, Edward." He smiled back and held onto her tightly.
"I want to hold onto you, Bella, and to never let go, because you make me feel like I'm worth something, like, for once in my life, I'm actually worth something. I know that right now, it seems as though we don't quite have forever, because we're so limited with the time that we have, but every time that you think of me, every time you miss this, you miss me, just look up at the sky, and you'll see that star." He pointed up at the brightest star that lit up against the velvet sky, "And as long as you can see that star you'll know that I'm right here somewhere, and I'll always be," he kissed her lips softly, "Right," His hand laid over her chest, "Here."
Bella closed her eyes gently, "Has anybody told you how amazing you are?" Her eyes fluttered open, like butterflies struggling against a gentle breeze. "You seem to bring it out in me." He smiled crookedly at her, as beautiful as he had been on the very same beach so many weeks ago, when they'd first met, first kissed, first fallen in love. "Like the magic?" She questioned, her eyebrows raised. "Just like the magic." He affirmed, smiling.
"I wish so much that I didn't have to leave, Edward. I want so much to stay here forever, you know? Because it's like if I'm here, I know that no matter what happens, I have you right there, forever, and not just in my heart. It's like, while I'm here, I know that it's all true, that it really happened, that I didn't just dream it up; being here, being here with you makes me feels like everything is real, you make me feel real."
Edward Cullen, the gentleman that he always had been, wished in that moment for nothing more than a lifetime of sunsets on the beach, with Bella in his arms; he never wanted anything more than a forever to spend with Bella. "I want nothing more than to give you forever, but all that I can give you is now, and somehow, I hope that that's enough for you, at least until we meet again." She smiled at him, teeth bared; "I don't think that I need forever that much anymore, I'm content with what we have now, and yes it will have to end, but so does everything. But I'll keep it in my heart, forever." "And just like that you're fine again?" He questioned, his eyes showing a reflection of the moon.
"I'm a teenage girl, we're good at that." She smiled softly at him, an image that he would keep close to his heart for as long as he lived. "We should probably go find our friends, they'll be wondering where we snuck off too." Edward grinned, "Actually I'd be willing to wager that Rosalie and Emmett are in his jeep going at it like two rabbits, while Alice and Jasper are holding hands and trying to delay the inevitable." "I'll bet you're wrong." She stuck her tongue out at him playfully; "We'll see about that." He challenged with a crooked smile. Bella rose slightly shakily to her feet and laughed, "You'll have to catch me first." And as clichéd as a romantic comedy movie, he ran after her, caught her in his arms and held her there for a few moments, before rolling down in the sand again and kissing her senseless.
And she told you, laughing down to her core, so she would not cry as she lay in your lap
she said, "nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer"
"We have to talk." Her tone was somber, and the twinkle in his eyes left quickly. "We talked last night, Bella, we figured things out, we're fine, there's nothing left to say. We love each other, we have one last week together, don't ruin it with all this talking nonsense."
"It isn't nonsense, Edward. We do need to talk. I thought that I'd figured everything out; that I'd said my piece last night, but I was thinking about it all night and all morning in bed, Edward. It was eating away at me." His cool hands grasped at her forearms. "Don't say that, Bella; please don't. I love you."
Bella shook free of his grip slowly, and sunk down on her knees where the sand met the water and the sun hung low on the horizon, the hem of her short dress becoming drenched in warm seawater.
"This isn't real, Edward, I was wrong – this is a lie. This is summer, it's hazy, it's long, but still too short at the same time, and it isn't permanent." The sun was beginning to set, bright and yellow like a too-shiny light bulb, against a background of red-pink and fading blue hues.
"This, what we have, Edward – it's temporary happiness, nothing more. After this is over, it's back to reality for me Edward." She laughed to cover the inaudible sobs that racked her body, and he pretended not to notice the falsity of her laugh and the tears on her cheeks. "I know, Bella, I know this. It's too good to last forever, all of the greatest things in life are. Everything has to end eventually, love. You had to have known that." He said sympathetically, crushing her body to his. "You're my first love, Edward. That's not supposed to just go away, it only happens once, and it's meant to stay forever." She laughed bitterly, "But that's what happens right, we go back to our places in the world and pretend like this never happened." "If you let it, if you look back on the good times, it can, it will, last forever, and you'll keep me where I'll keep you; in that special place in my heart, where you'll be for always." He touched her face, his fingers following the line of her jaw and the shape of her lips.
"That's the thing though," her voice breaking was hidden with another harsh laugh, "Nobody can ever stay here forever, Edward. This is summer, it's transitional, a three-month period of time where everything, yet nothing happens at the same time. It's a time where love begins and ends at the same time, where it can't stay forever, because we both know, Edward. Summer love never does last forever." He wanted nothing more than to touch her, but as his hand ghosted against her cheek, she pulled away desperately, as if she'd just been burnt with the embers of a thousand fires.
"Why are you doing this Bella?" He asked desperately, running his hands through his already disheveled hair. "Why am I doing what, Edward?" She asked, appearing exhausted and older than before. "This." He said simply, gesturing to the growing distance between them. "You mean being real? Looking at things the way that they actually are, and not living in a fantasy life, is that it? It's because I don't want to be hurt Edward, surely you can relate to it. You can't tell me that you want to be hurt." She grunted and moved further away from Edward, the rush of cool seawater moving further up her body was both calming and mesmerizing, and she just wanted to be caught up in it.
He kneeled behind her, his first love. "It's a special kind of hurt, Bella." His hands were warm and clasped tightly onto her shoulders. "It's the kind of hurt that you can only feel when you're so in love with someone that you just can't bear to let go, and that's how I feel about you. Like I won't be able to let go, come the day, like I'll never be able to let go of you." Bella stood to her full height, and walked further into the water, until it met her hips and soaked through her dress, causing the light blue color to turn to dark, and the white change to transparent and stick to her skin.
She turned to look at him, her image thoroughly haunting as the water washed over her skin. "Sometimes, I just want to stay in the water, and let it carry me wherever it goes, because I can't stand the thought that I'm going to have to leave you." Her eyes softened and her body trembled slightly in the breeze.
Edward's gaze flickered, the usual attempts at ignoring the inevitable were gone, and the truth hung thick and venomous in the air. "I know the feeling." He said, his hair disheveled by the wind and his eyes, two pools of sparkling dullness, the usual emotions gone from his face, as if he had just been drained of all of his emotions and energy.
But you've already lost
when you only had barely enough to hang on.
"I want to make memories with you under the stars, so that every time I look up at the sky I can remember what we shared." Edward said lovingly. "Have you realized now that you won't be getting any new memories after this summer? Have you come to your senses, love?" She asked, she wasn't cold, she didn't want to be cold, she wanted to be carefree and in love, the way that summer was meant to be, but summer was ending, and inevitably, so was summer love.
"Please, Bella, leave that talk. You've got five days left, at least make them worth it. Make them worth something. Because I love you, and I want that to be worth something, because to me, that's worth everything." He looked pained, having given everything to Bella, to Bella who kept bringing up the fact that she was leaving soon.
"I feel like I'm losing you a little more each day, and some days, I feel like I've already lost you and I can't do anything about it, Bella. In some ways, summer love is ideal, you have to put everything into those three months, and the downside is much the same – you have to put everything into those three months, and whether you're ready for it or not, you have to say goodbye at the end of summer." Bella sniffled and held back her tears.
"I've never been in love before you, Bella, and I don't want to be in love after you, because I know that whatever may come, it won't even compare with what you and I had, what we will always have. Nothing can overpower first love, because it's something that only happens once, and that first time is special. You can only give yourself to somebody so completely once, because after that you learn to keep parts of yourself guarded and only share so much of yourself with someone, but with you, Isabella Marie Swan, I will always share everything." She smiled sadly at him, knowing that she'd caused him so much pain already, and knowing that in five days she would only cause him so much more.
"You know, I'll never know why you chose me, or how you could love me, because you were supposed to be this, like, untouchable god-like person in every sense of the word. I didn't come here to look for love, and I never expected to find it here, in this stupid place, where everything is too green and the people are just way too nosy. I didn't even want love, Edward. I was supposed to focus on my studies, on my life, on me, but it comes at the most unexpected times, it sneaks up on you and just like that you fall, and you fall hard, and I didn't expect that, because you're you, and I'm me, and usually people like you don't fall for people like me. I love you, Edward, like nothing else, but I will never understand how you could love me." She still didn't see herself clearly, even after a summer full of unchangeable experiences.
"I feel like you're so far from me." He said sadly, his hands in her hair. "I'll always be here, under the same stars as you." She reminded him softly, wishing that she could take away his pain as easily as he had always been able to take away hers. "That's not close enough for me, though. I don't think that anything besides this will ever be close enough." He said desperately, their chests rising and falling in unison. "Remember these moments forever, Edward, look back on them and they'll be there forever, and so will we."
Edward propped himself up on an elbow, "I don't want your final days to be like this, tense and ugly, when we can make them so unforgettable, just let go of your thoughts, your logic, all of it, and just… follow your heart, and you won't be left unsatisfied, you'll know that, at the very least, you did what your heart wanted for once, and that'll make you feel a little better." He promised, kissing her temple.
"I never once thought that I could ever love anybody even a fraction of how much I know that I love you, you know? So much that it hurts, so much that I would do anything for you; I never imagined that for myself. I never thought that I would fall in love, least of all a love that consumes me like nothing else, and it scares the shit out of me, because in a few days everything I have, the whole life that I built here, and you – it's all gone." Bella turned on her own side to face Edward, the mattress groaning at the movement. "I don't want you to think that I regret any of it, because I don't, I love you, but it hurts having to say goodbye to you, knowing that I'm going to have to say goodbye in such a short time. It just feels like we didn't get enough time, you know. Like all we had was a handful of moments with each other, without anything else to disrupt us from each other, and between my insecurities, it feels like we've never really been free as much as we could have been, and now I want to give into you completely. I want to feel free. Make me feel free, Edward." She said, ready to beg if he denied her, but he just wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close to him and kissed her softly. "Let me liberate you then, love." He offered, wishing selfishly that she had wanted to be intimate with him for the fact that she loved him so much and wanted to be close to him, not for the need to feel free, but he relented to her anyway; his love for her was far too much for him to ever be able to deny her anything, least of all that which he wanted so desperately himself.
She said, "no one is alone the way you are alone"
and you held her looser than you would have if you ever could have known
The next morning Edward woke up to find Bella curled up on the other side of the bed and wide awake. At nine am, such a miraculous feat was hard to fathom, and on a Saturday, it was damn near impossible. "You're up early." He noted, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and letting out a tired yawn. "Yes. I was thinking, about leaving, going back to Phoenix and then being alone all over again, as if I'd never even left. I'll go back with no friends, the way I left, no love, and no shocking epiphany that I assumed that I would come to. I know we said that we would not talk about this, savor the last two days that we have together, but I don't know if I can actually ignore this when it's just left hanging in the air all the time, even though nobody wants to mention it." She shrugged nonchalantly. "It is what it is I guess." She finished lamely.
"Make your last days worth it, I guess. I can't tell you what to do, Bella, but if I could, it would just be to let go of everything, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, follow your heart and ignore anything else. Just take it all in, and treasure it Bella, because you may never get a chance to make these memories ever again." The silent, I won't be here forever, lingered in the air for long moments longer before Bella stood. "I have to shower." She said, Edward just grabbed onto her wrist as she stood up, effectively pulling her back down to the bed, his arms wrapped tightly around her small frame. "No you don't." He countered with a sleepy smile. "It's too early, and we have a lot of…" He looked in deep thought for a moment, "Catching up to do." He grinned widely at her, his girlfriend, the one person that he would always love, the one that he would forever miss when she left him and went away back home to a place that he was sure she would always resent.
Bella laughed lightly, "I guess that's one way to put it." She pecked his lips lightly, a hand on his shoulder, the other tangled in his messy, unruly copper hair. "Edward…" She disentangled herself from him, turning away from him, tears stinging in the corners of her eyes. "What is it, love?" He pulled her back close to his warm chest. "It's just…" She paused and bit her lip to try to stop the tears from falling, "It's nothing Edward. Don't worry." He caressed her face, a few stray tears falling onto the back of his hand; but for her part Bella didn't bring it up, and Edward pretended that he hadn't felt the warm tears on his hand.
"You're so alone." She whispered, partly to Edward, partly to the air, but he knew that it was meant for him, he had always known; because he had been, as he always would end up, predictably alone. "No." He replied, as she knew that he would, "I've got you now." He added predictably, and for a moment she almost smiled, but instead settled for a deep scowl. "That's precisely it, Edward. You do have me, but only for now, because that's all that we'll ever have, Edward, just now. We'll have nothing more than these memories; it's just a place, like in a movie, a place that you can only visit in dreams and memories." She sat up, pulling the gray sheet close to her body. "We'll never get back here again, Edward. Don't you see? We can't make any more memories because I'm leaving Edward, within forty-eight hours I'll be gone, gone for good back to Phoenix, where nothing is too green and where nobody will ever measure up to the ghost of you." Tears pooled in the depths of her eyes and Edward pulled her back down with him, his arms wound tightly around her waist, pulling her as close to him as he could.
"I don't think I can love you anymore, it hurts too much." Bella burst out unexpectedly; Edward's arms turned limp around her and Bella felt the distance between them growing in more ways than one. Edward's arms unclasped around her and moved until they were barely touching her skin and she could no longer feel his warm breath against her bare back.
"What do you mean?" He asked softly, he wished for nothing more than to be needy and desperate, but he was not, he couldn't be, not when he knew that their time was almost over anyway – their love wasn't the kind that was made to outlast the summer, it was only meant to live with the season, and to bloom with it, and when the season faded out and died with that final sunset, so would they, and now was the time, he would never get back those memories that he had shared with Bella, and he would never be able to make any new ones either, he knew this well enough, she'd be gone this time tomorrow, nothing more than a fading memory in the dusty cobwebby corners of his mind.
"You're so alone, Edward, yet you've never seen it, you still don't. You're the loneliest person in the world, you're surrounded by people that love you, people that care, but you're so pathetically alone, so lonely, you're so damn tortured, there is nobody else whose life is so full, yet they're so empty and cold inside. You're so detached Edward, and you don't even see it, you don't recognize how pathetic you truly are. You don't love me, because you're so empty inside, that's why you don't love me, not because you don't love me, or because the months weren't enough, but because you are so completely cold and hard on the inside that you could never love anybody, and that's why nobody can love you either." The tears that fell from her eyes were cold and hard, like little chips of ice on Edward's hand, cold like he is on the inside. "No one's alone the way that you are, Edward." Her words had a way of playing in his head when he didn't want them to, they played always in his head.
No one's alone the way that you are, Edward.
Those words haunted him still, as he was sure that they always would.
Edward dragged his clothes over his body as quickly as he could before leaving her alone, the way that he would always be.
Alone.
Some things tie your life together, in slender threads and things to treasure
days like that should last and last and last.
"So you're leaving today?" Edward asked curtly as they spent their last day, their last moments together on the beach, on their beach, where they'd once laid and made love, where they had once buried their empty beer bottles in their sand, where they'd had bonfires and stripped their clothes and sang, and danced, and laughed in the cool water and the summer sun bathing their skin in a warm glow, and then the moon casting their silhouettes in pale silver and lavender.
"Yes. Today. I drive home in a few hours. It's a long drive." She shrugged, they talked like strangers, as if they had never met, never had their summer of experiences, and of learning. They spoke politely, yet strangely, as if they had never shared the love that they thought could last forever, but it left, like dust in the wind, particles being spread everywhere; there was a time when she had thought, however briefly that their love would fly and spread everywhere, and follow them wherever they went, she was foolish to ever believe that; she was eighteen, she should have known better, but she was eighteen, and she had never been in love before, how could she have ever known.
Today was all they had, this was all they had, just Edward and Bella, on the beach where they'd first met, a whole other lifetime ago, when they had been two children with the world at their feet, and here they were now, a summer later with life experience under their belts, and about to lose the only love that they had ever known. They were grown up now, eighteen but forlorn and lost, so far from the children that they'd been only a few months earlier.
Not so long ago she had pulled his life together, and now he stood there wishing he could have done things better and pulled her life together too.
"It's a good day to leave." He noted dully, the sun shone perfectly over usually dreary, too-green Forks, the waves lapped gently against the sand and rocks, and even the old lifeguards tower where they had spent so many drunken nights seemed only vintage, instead of its normally ancient-looking self.
"Mmmm." She agreed, closing her eyes, and letting her body be bathed in golden rays of sunshine that touched her shoulders and warmed her right to her very core. "So what time do you leave?" He asked casually, his elbows rested on his knees, his chin in his hands as he looked up at her from his spot on the lifeguards tower. "Whenever I feel like it, I suppose." She shrugged, her gaze at the sun that hung low, yet brightly in the distance. "Charlie would like me to stay until tomorrow… but… I don't feel like prolonging the inevitable. It only makes life harder." She smiled sadly, sitting herself down in the warm sand. "Everything makes life harder, Bella, so if you stop being a coward, I suppose I'll see you later at Rose's end of summer beach bonfire, otherwise, have a good life. I've had enough of this, I'm done trying." Edward stood slowly, giving Bella one final look before turning to leave.
"Edward please, be reasonable." He shook his head and looked at her once more, his head tilted at an angle, "I can't do it, Bella. I can't keep hurting myself for you when you don't even care. I'm done, I told you. I'm done, Bella, and there's nothing more to it. Go back to Phoenix and hide away. That's all you're good at, anyway." He shook his head sadly, he would soon fade into the darkest recesses of her mind, Bella knew this well enough, she just had to keep telling herself that, keep reminding herself that this was all for the best, he'd be nothing to her eventually; just a man that she had once upon a time loved.
She wished that she could keep deluding herself that way, but truthfully, she loved him so much that it hurt, she never wanted to leave him, and he had made her life so full and complete, but she was too much of a chickenshit to admit any of it.
"Edward!" She cried, tears blurring her vision as she leapt up, desperate to show her love that she wasn't scared, that she was ready for this, for the next step. She had always liked to think that she would have an epic first love, and she had, and sure it would soon be time to close the chapter on their great summer long romance, but they'd always have the memories.
Always.
She ran after her lover, like a bat out of hell, as hard and as fast as she knew how, hoping beyond hope that he hadn't just vanished, that maybe he'd waited for her, that maybe deep down he had somehow known to wait for her, that he had believed in her the whole time, but she just ran harder and faster, barely making out the tan leather jacket that he always insisted on wearing.
"Edward!" She panted loudly, her cheeks were tinted red, her mouth open and her hands splayed out on her knees. He turned around slowly, "Don't chase me Bella, for the sake of it, don't come to me until you're ready, and unless you are then maybe you should go say your goodbye's and go back to Phoenix." She smiled lightly at him. "For someone with such a high IQ, you are a damn moron. I followed you, because even though my cardiovascular endurance is awful, and I fall walking on flat ground, I love you and you are worth the heart palpitations and the fall that I'll inevitably get at the end. I love you and you're worth it. Fuck Phoenix, this is ours. Maybe we won't get any new memories, but we'll get now and that's maybe just what we need." He held her weeping form in his arms tightly; she stood on her toes, her face buried in his neck, her arms wrapped around him just as tightly.
"I don't wanna lose this. I want this day to just go on forever. I want to stay up all night, I want to see the sun go down with you and I want to sit out on the beach under the stars and then watch the sun come back up again and just stay there with you until the second that I have to leave because I don't want to waste even one more second because I've already done enough of it." He held her tightly, wishing that he could take away her pain, even at the expense of his own happiness.
"You know that come nightfall you lose this all anyway, right? Changing your mind now doesn't mean that things aren't changing, that the night won't bring about the destruction of this relationship. You can't save this Bella, you can't save something that's meant to die." Tears stuck her eyelashes together, "Don't say that, Edward. It's gonna last forever." She looked down at her shoes.
He laughed bitterly at her, "Nothing lasts forever, Isabella." His tone was most condescending, the look in his eyes was icy. "Bullshit, Edward. You love me, I know that much. Tell me right now that you don't feel it, and if you don't feel it, I'll leave right now, you'll never see me again." She promised, looking up to meet his steely gaze.
"Just go Bella, please." In all honesty, he wanted nothing more than for that day, that last day, to never end, to always be there with her, with her hand touching his shoulder, but getting any closer than they had gotten would only hurt her even more in the long run, and no matter how much it hurt him to sever all ties, he had to do it, he had to hurt her, to break her, so that somebody else could come and fix her and love her for the eternity that he and her would never have.
"Don't say that, Edward. That isn't what you're supposed to say. You're supposed to say, 'I love you Bella, I can't be without you, and if tonight the world ends I want to be with you.' This isn't how it's supposed to be, Edward, you know that, don't you?" She pleaded desperately.
"It's better this way. Leave Bella. I didn't want to do this, I would have rather you left with thinking that I loved you, but that isn't the case – I don't love you Bella, go home, you don't belong in Forks." He said coldly, his gaze cold as he met her eyes. She clutched onto the fabric of his shirt desperately.
She sobbed soundly, loud, strangled sounds from deep in her throat. She punched his chest with small fists, though her punches were feeble and pathetic attempts that could never hurt him, the sounds coming from him cut deeper than any knife ever could.
"I hate you!" She sobbed into his chest, beating pathetically at his broad chest. "Go, Bella. Leave and never come back. You don't belong here, and you never will." She tore herself away from him. "I loved you. I gave you everything. Every single thing I had, Edward Cullen, and I can never get that back. I hate you for that; I hate you for taking everything so easily away from me, and I hate you for leading me on, and for making me think that you loved me and for being so god damn okay with this all. I hate you for not loving me. I hate you so much!" She cried, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand, well aware of the crowd and onlookers that were listening to their pathetic fight.
"I'm going, Edward, and I will never be back. I hope beyond hope that I never have to see your disgusting face ever again, because as beautiful as you may look, on the inside you are so sad and pathetic. You are the single ugliest person that I have ever met and from this day on I will regret the day that I ever fell in love with such an awful, sad little person. I will never forgive myself for being so stupid as to fall for you, and I will hate myself every single day for the rest of my life. I sincerely hope that that is enough for you and your sadistic mind." She left in a hurry, long hair whipping behind her and she was gone, while he was left standing there alone.
He told himself that he had done the right thing, that this way there was less hurt for her in the long run. Eventually she would trust people again, and certainly somewhere along the line she would find love; of that he was infinitely sure. Yes, they couldn't be together forever, but what they had had been ridiculously perfect, in their most pathetic, romantic moments, the first kisses and inevitably awkward first time, they had been perfect for each other, and out of everybody in the world, he knew it more than anybody.
He turned away himself, walking away from her, and he was sure it would be the last time, she had gotten the message by now, surely. He had been cruel, cold and ridiculous, but he had done it, he had made her want to leave and now she could go back to her home, back to her mother and her school and her friends and fall in love with some tanned baseball player or football star, and she could be happy; maybe she and her jock wouldn't have some passionate, all-consuming romance, but love was harder the second time around, there was always that one part of yourself that belonged to that one special person, that first, true love that can never be replicated; he knew she could never have another romance like the one that they had shared, but it was a summer thing, it was never meant to live past the heat, past the boundaries of Forks, and it wouldn't, he had made sure of that.
She had put something into his life, that little something, that single spark that he had been missing for as long as he had known, she was the Cher to his Sonny, the apple of his eye, in short, she was his everything, and he knew it, and until five minutes earlier she had known it too, but she still was, and he was desperate of her, like his own brand of heroin, and he was nothing more than a junkie craving a fix, but he couldn't; he couldn't hurt her like that, her just loved her too damn much, and for once, he hated himself for it, the way that he couldn't hate himself when he had taken her virginity, or gotten her a new laptop to be able to respond to her mother's e-mails, even though she hated gifts, but now… now he hated himself for it, and he couldn't feel anything but that.
She had put him together, and now he hated her for it, because all he could really do in return was break her heart, and she wouldn't understand that it was just better that way, that it would only mean she would hurt less when she had to inevitably leave, now he was just waiting for the moment when he would have to feign being okay and say goodbye like civil people, maybe she would treat him like an acquaintance, with a brief handshake and a promise to stay in touch, or maybe like a close friend, make that promise and keep it, accompanied with a customary goodbye hug and a kiss on the cheek, maybe she would treat him like the dickhead that broke up with her and slap him and punch him until she was red in the face and he was gone, or maybe she would pretend that they were on good parting terms in front of their friends and kiss him slowly and promise to never forget him and write often, but not mean any of it.
But you've already lost
when you only had barely enough of her to hang on.
"Bells, why do you have to leave, damn it?" Alice sobbed, while Bella leaned back onto the bonnet of her red truck. "It's time to go, Al, I have things I have to do in Phoenix, Renee's a total wreck without me." Emmett smiled a sad, dimpled smile at her. "So you got all your stuff in there, little B?" He motioned towards the trunk of her truck. "Yes, Em, I have all my stuff in there." She smiled sadly at him, the big teddy bear that loved nothing more than being happy and being able to share the laughter around.
Edward stood at the end of the group, wishing for nothing more than the ability to stop time right in that moment, to keep them this way, all six of them forever, Bella and Edward, together forever, the way that it was meant to be, fate be damned.
"So this it, then Bells?" Jasper asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had descended over the group. "Yep. This is it, this is the way it's got to be, it's better this way, right?" She smiled sadly at the group, reminiscing of a simpler time when this goodbye had never seemed further, but now it was real; it was upon them and it was there, in real life, no more looming goodbye, it had arrived, it was time to go.
Edward sighed, remembering her smile, the way that it had lit up his life, the way she had turned his eternal night into eternal sunshine, the way that she had brought everything to him, everything his father's multiple millions of dollars had never been able to give him, things that he wished that he could give to her, but he had done little more than succeed in taking them away from her.
But she was slipping now, slipping so far away that in a few moments, he wouldn't even be able to reach out and touch her because she would be flying down the road in her rickety old truck, and he would never be able to touch her again.
She pushed herself off of the truck in a practiced movement, "I'll miss you, Jaz." He held her tightly for a few moments, kissing her forehead and patting her messy hair. "It doesn't have to be like this." He assured her, his hand heavy on her shoulder, "Yes it does." She returned, a sad look in her brown eyes. "Drive safe and take care, kid. Don't forget to e-mail me now, I know you have that new laptop." Bella smiled at him lightly, not wanting to tell him that she had thrown it from her bed and around her bedroom several times in anger, she didn't want Edward's presents or even his well wishes, but her friends needed it, and that last thing she could not deny them.
"Any last words?" Emmett asked her, enveloping her into a massive bear hug, causing Bella's tiny frame to disappear within his grasp. "I'll miss your hugs, and you, I'll miss you, too Em." She promised, and he kissed her cheek like he were really her big brother and wished her all the best and told her to come back soon because he might actually miss her one day.
"Oh, Alice. You've been the best friend a girl could ask for, and even though you made me shop that's still okay and I forgive you because I managed to lose two dress sizes through your crazy shopping, and thanks to you I actually know what Manolo's are, and now I may even get a pair. You mean so much to me and I will love you, always." She hugged the little pixie and stroked her short hair and held onto her for much longer than necessary because that was what girls did to try to stop the tears, Edward just tried to think of better times and prayed that it actually worked enough to get him through the time it took for her to leave and for him to turn around and get back into his car and then cry himself to sleep, because even though what he did was for the best, he could never forgive himself for it because in the end, he hurt her anyway.
Rosalie tackled her into a hug, almost crushing her into the truck. "I'll miss you, Bella. You were a good friend, you endured shopping, me dressing you, and even the makeovers, and you will never know how much it meant to me that you actually went along with it." Bella threw her a watery smile, begging the tears to stay put until these people were nothing more than just a memory to her, or at least just shapes and figures in her rearview mirror. "I love you too, Rose, and now I know the difference between an eye brush and a concealer brush, and sometimes I even use those stupid things. You've taught me so much, I owe you everything." She hugged her friend tightly, burying her head into her shoulder, smudging a little foundation on her sleeve.
Rosalie laughed through her tears, "You're actually wearing makeup, I did good with you, who knows, one day you may actually enjoy wearing makeup." Bella smiled, "You and I both know that'll never happen." Bella turned to Edward, the last one in the group.
Edward dug his hands into his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels. "Do you guys need some privacy?" Emmett asked, obnoxiously wiggling his eyebrows despite the situation. "Ha, funny Emmett. No, we do not."
"So…" Edward started lamely. Bella laughed, "I guess I'll miss you, even though you were the most massive asshole I have ever met in my life. You mean everything to me and I'll never forget you. I've never loved anyone so passionately or hated them so much, you bring out the best and the worst in me and you made me feel things that I never even existed, and…" Tears fell from her eyes and mouth felt too wet and too dry in the same instant and she saw nothing but blurs and blobs, "And, I'll never love anyone like this again, because I'm not stupid and I know that at one time, you felt it all too."
He hugged her tightly to his body, afraid that if he held on too loosely she would slip away, but at the same time, knowing that no matter what happened, she would slip away from him anyway. He whispered things into her hair, "I never stopped feeling it, Bella, and you were a fool to believe it, but I love you all the same and I'll never stop, because I love you more than the moon and the stars and I will never feel this way about a woman again because that part of my heart will always belong to you."
She cried desperately into him, "I want to marry you and have the house and the dog and have all of your babies like I've never wanted anything before, and I don't want to leave, but I have to go now. I can't stay, but I'll never forget." He kissed her hair and her forehead and then she pressed her lips to his. "I love you Isabella Swan, now and always." She nodded as he held her face in his hand, and just pressed her forehead against his as the tears fell.
"I have to leave, I'm sorry." She climbed into her truck and turned it on, "Call me when that old thing dies on you!" Emmett hollered, and Bella let out a choked little laugh. "Respect the truck, Em, it's older than most of us put together." She backed out of the driveway slowly, tears clouding her vision.
Edward looked at his love, knowing that he had now lost her for good. He had mementos that he would keep like buried treasures, pictures and little articles of clothing, trinkets and silly memories, but she was lost now.
She was going the whole time, bound to leave, but always there within his grasp, like a candle in the wind, always flickering, but still burning. He watched as she disappeared, turning out of her street, out of his view, and just like that she was gone – for months she flickered, but she was there, and now she had burnt out, now she was well and truly gone, and he wondered if he had ever really had her to begin with.
She had barely given him enough to make do, but he did, because anything was enough, as long as he had something to hold onto; the texture of her hair, the exact color of her eyes, the smell of her neck, the curve of her hips, the feel of her mouth on his and her hands around his neck and in his hair, it was all little things, but it was something, and something wasn't nothing, and that was really all that he had needed, something, because he would take whatever he could.
He remembered the Goo Goo Dolls, and slide, Do you wanna get married, Or run away he wondered why he hadn't thought of that, of offering marriage, because she wanted it all, and he wanted it all, but not without her, not with anyone else, because there would never be another Bella.
Edward walked slowly back to his car, kicking small pebbles that were in his way. He had lost her, the candle had burnt out much before their goodbye, it had been fizzling out since their first meeting and there had been nothing that he could do but delude himself, and now, now she was gone, and he had lost her completely, even though he had barely ever had enough of her to clutch onto, and now all he was left with was fading memories and a broken heart that he would hold onto like a diamond ring, because it was the last thing that she had ever left him with.
His eyes turned to where Bella had turned; the sun had set, night was beginning to fall, and he was alone in the saddest time of the day, the twilight, the dusk, and now he was alone somewhere in the time where dusk and summer came and met, and then went away, taking away everything from him.