Show him FanFiction of himself and Stradlater
Slash fanfiction
Rated M
Set the catcher in the rye rhyme as his ringtone
Do everything else you can to get it stuck in his head
When Phoebe is on the carousel, throw her off
When he goes to punch you, solemnly look him in the eyes and say, "She can't stay on there forever, Holden"
Tell him Stradlater is going to prom with Jane Gallagher
And they're eloping immediately afterwards
Whenever you bring up Allie, refer to him as a "she"
Keep doing this no matter how many times Holden tells you Allie was a boy
Tell Holden that Allie probably went to hell because he–I mean, she– was a redhead (I don't believe in this nor do I mean any disrespect to redheads. I actually wish I was a redhead.)
Tell him that Sunny quit her job because of "a bad experience with a minor customer"
But she's offering to let him take her place
But she's taking the money he still owes her out of his first salary
If he even makes that much
Which she suspects he won't
Call him a phony
Set him up on a blind date with Maurice
Or Ackley
Do all of these without him killing himself from going crazy/being even more depressed with you making his life even more difficult than it already is