Disclaimer - The characters within this story do not belong to me. Such wonderful honors go to Kishimoto-sama. And the lyrics to the original Mambo #5 belong to whoever wrote them.
A/N- Okay, the idea for this story came about and refused to leave me alone. I don't like it all that much, but I hope someone manages to get a grin out of it. I swear I'm going to stop with the attempts at humor and stick with what I'm best at...angst and anger.
Later,
A.A.
Facets #3
Jiraiya's Top Twelve
"What is the situation?" Kakashi asked darkly, falling into place behind Asuma, Raidou and Genma as they jumped through the darkened forest canopy outside Konoha village. The three men continued to pick up speed as they traveled, and Asuma gave the copy-nin a quick rundown of what was going on.
"They're on a hunt." Asuma answered.
"Who?"
"Shizune contacted Kurenai about twenty minutes ago. Said something about Tsunade needing her to help hunt down someone." the bearded man explained.
"Then what was the racket we heard earlier?" Kakashi questioned, remembering the powerful thundering that had rocked the ground and sent them off towards the source of the disturbance. The silver haired Jounin had been happily reclining in his favorite tree outside the village gates when the earth had rumbled and almost tossed him from his perch. A few seconds later, Raidou, Genma and Asuma had passed overhead, headed towards the source of the unfamiliar noise to investigate.
"Don't know." Genma answered, senbon hanging from his mouth.
"We haven't received word of any possible attacks from Intel. And Rin didn't seem to know either." Raidou added as an afterthought.
"Rin was with them?" Kakashi asked quickly, catching onto the name of his old teammate. Once thought to be dead by many shinobi in the village, the medic kunoichi had surprised them all when she had brought a large amount of reinforcements into Konoha right before the fight with Akatsuki and Orochimaru. Given her deception for such a long time, the reunion between the two had been tepid at best….and ridiculously explosive at its worst. Even after the final bloody fight, their friendship was lukewarm. But that didn't mean Kakashi wasn't concerned with her apparent part in whatever was currently going on. And if Tsunade was on the hunt for someone, Rin's presence would be helpful given the abilities of her summons.
"She showed up with Shizune to get Kurenai." Asuma grunted, the unspoken aggravation obvious in the man's voice at being interrupted from whatever he was doing with his red-eyed lover after her being gone for two months.
"Found'em." Raidou muttered, nodding towards a faint blue chakra light that was peeping through the dense trees and shrubbery. The three men pushed more chakra into their feet and quickly found themselves landing down in the middle of a small clearing that was usually used in training exercises for the Genins.
However, it was currently being presided over by a rather angry group of women, with the head hen standing on the rim of a rather large crater right in the middle of the meeting place.
Well that explained what the thundering noise had been earlier. Looks like the Godaime Hokage was doing a little unscheduled landscaping.
Kakashi and the other three Jounins discretely made their way over to where two of his former students were standing in the shadows. Naruto gave them a wave and a big grin as they came over. Sasuke just nodded and turned his attention back to the bloodthirsty group in front of them. The 20 year old Uchiha genius had returned to Konoha before the final fight with Orochimaru a few years before, and had turned informant against his former teacher, effectively giving them the information they needed to obliterate the ex-Sannin. Ever since, he had slowly started to rejoin the ranks of the other shinobi he had originally been a part of. But right now, he was sending out a glare that would make the deceased snake-user cower in a corner.
Kakashi was about to question the two younger men on what exactly was going on, but the din of high-pitched female voices permeating the air was having none of it. Sasuke's dark eyes glanced back at him, silently telling the newcomers to just wait, that an explanation was quickly forthcoming. The remaining Uchiha gestured vaguely towards the women gathered a little away from them, and the Jounins tuned their hearing in to try and find out what had every kunoichi in the village out for the blood of some pour innocent soul.
"Where is that basta…"
"He took off into the forest!"
"He's running? That asshole has the nerve to try and run?"
"You were expecting something different?"
"How much of a head start has he gotten?" Tsunade demanded, glaring over at Naruto.
"He took off about fifteen minutes ago." the blonde Chunin said, shrugging. "Right before we came to find you."
"Fifteen minutes?" Sakura said exasperatingly, turning to the lavender eyed Hyuuga heiress at her side. "Can you see him, Hinata?" The young woman quickly activated her bloodline trait with a muttered Byakugan and scoured the area for the target, only to come up empty handed.
"I'm sorry." she said. "He is too far away for me to find."
"He could be halfway to the border by now." Tenten muttered, cracking her knuckles threateningly.
"Like hell he is!" Hana groused. "He's not that fast."
"That would be the smart thing to do. This is the Jiraiya we're talking about, remember." Tsuande commented coldly. "If I know him, he's holed up somewhere, hoping we won't find him."
"Jiraiya? What do they want with him?" Genma asked, glancing over at Naruto, who had a sadistic smile on his usually cheerful face. "Naruto?"
"How's it going so far?" another voice asked suddenly, dropping down between the senbon sucking shinobi and the Kyuubi container as the women's voices picked up once again.
"Everything's fine." Naruto answered cheekily, jerking his head towards the women. "He took off about twenty minutes ago."
"Someone want to explain what the hell is going on here?" Raidou asked loudly, causing Kotetsu to blink a few times before looking back at Naruto.
"You didn't tell them?" he asked the blonde.
"Obviously not if they're asking." Izumo quipped, materializing from the shadows beside his partner in crime.
"Did you tell the others so they don't think the village is being attacked or anything like that?" Kotetsu asked, looking over his shoulder at the other Chunin, a grin on his face.
"They're not likely to interfere." Izumo said simply. "I told them it was a few Chunin practicing. Doesn't matter how much noise gets carried back, no one will suspect anything."
"Good work."
"What is going on?" Asuma demanded, drawing the gathered men's attention.
"Payback." Naruto said devilishly. "This is what Ero-sennin gets for being such an ass while Granny was gone on that mission."
"Just listen." Sasuke intoned coldly. "Dobe can explain after the screeching stops." The men quieted down and listened as a red-faced Tsunade got control of the homicidal women again.
"…anywhere around here!"
"I know how to find him." Hana growled, stepping up and sending a shrill whistle back towards the village.
"Good idea." Rin muttered, biting her thumb and pulling her shirt sleeve back to reveal a tattoo before going through some hand seals. "Asshole won't get far with our boys tailing his scent." A few seconds later, there were a dozen yellow eyed wolves of various colors and sizes standing before the glowering Rin.
"You called, mistress?" the largest one asked, looking up at his summoner.
"Fan out and find Jiraiya. Call me when you find him. If he runs, follow. Don't let him out of your sight."
"Understood." he answered. A split second later, the wolves were gone, and so were Hana's own three wolfish canine companions. The men watched as Kurenai's summons, a hoard of flapping black bats took off into the night, obviously taking the air route.
"They won't find him if he took to the water." Suzume said calmly, her glasses flickering in the moonlight that lit the grounds.
"I got that." Anko hissed, sounding like the snakes she quickly summoned. The spiky haired Jounin gave her slithering serpents similar instructions and stood back, folding her arms. A few seconds later, there was a rumbling sound that caused the earth to tremble beneath their feet.
"What was that?" Shizune asked after the vibrations died down. Tsunade growled ferally and shook her head, quickly biting her finger and making the needed seals to call her own summons forward.
"He's called Gamabunta to run interference for his sorry ass." the Hokage hissed, causing the women to glare even more as the frog boss finally came into sight over the treetops. Off to the side, the slug queen Katsuyu appeared moments later as Gamabunta's rough voice made the ground shake once again.
"What is the meaning of this?" the toad demanded, stopping just short of hopping into the acid spitting slug.
"Where's Jiraiya?" Tsunade demanded, jumping onto Katsuyu's head and placing her fists on her hips, looking every bit like she was about to fight the overgrown tadpole tooth and nail to get to the white haired pervert.
"How should I know?" Gamabunta demanded testily. "He took off after I came here, mumbling about pissed off women and bitching homicidal Hokages."
"That good for nothing…"
"…perverted…."
"…shit for brains…"
"…coward of a…."
"..slime ball!"
"That's it! Katsuyu, check the village for any traces incase he's still there and that was a clone Naruto saw leave earlier." Tsunade ordered.
"Understood." the slug queen said, dissolving into thousands of smaller clones of herself and heading back towards the village.
"Everyone else, fan out and find him. Bring him back here." Tsunade said.
"Preferably still alive if at all possible." Hana added menacingly, cracking her knuckles.
"And if any of you try to help him…" Kurenai added, looking back over her shoulder where the men had gathered together to find out what was going on.
"…you'll be answering to us." Shizune hissed, sending an icy glare to punctuate the combined threat.
"Understand?" Rin questioned, her brown eyes snapping in anger.
"Got it!" Kotetsu said, holding his hands up in surrender.
"Wouldn't dream of it!" Naruto answered, shaking his head.
"No problem!" Izumo said, shrugging.
"I'm not going anywhere." Sasuke muttered. The gathered murderers…eh, ladies….seemed placated.
"And you?" Tsunade asked, foot tapping impatiently as she waited for an answer from the other men.
"Uh…sure!" Raidou answered, nodding vigorously and answering for the rest of them. "We're not gonna move an inch, are we?" There was a multitude of mumbles, but the women seemed pleased. Two seconds later, the kunoichi were disappearing into the thick forest without another word to any of them.
A pregnant silence fell across the remaining shinobi as the newcomers tried to piece together what was going on.
"Somebody want to explain what the idiot has done this time?" Gamabunta grumbled finally, looking down at the gathered men standing in his shadow. "Hatake?"
"If I knew, I would." Kakashi said, shrugging. "Naruto?"
"He went digging through Granny's things that were shipped back before they finished the mission and found some things he wasn't supposed to see." the blonde said with a very satisfied grin.
"So every woman in the village is after him because he went through the Hokage's luggage?" Raidou asked, obviously skeptical of the story.
"And found these." Kotetsu said, passing out a few pictures. The gathered men didn't know whether to gape in horror, or whistle in appreciation when they saw the little pieces of laminated paper. "And that's not the half of them, either."
"Where did…..how…." Asuma stuttered, holding one of the photos in his hand and doing his best not to gape at the sight of a smirking Kurenai in a poor excuse of what looked to be a bat costume. The man wondered if it could even be considered a costume since the satiny looking material barely covered the red-eyed Jounin's essential body parts.
"I think a better question is how in the hell someone got them to do this!" Raidou gaped, his eyes glued to the photo of Anko and Hana in his hands. The two women in the picture looked nothing like the hard headed Chunin and snake loving Jounin he was familiar with. The kunoichi were back to back in the photo, arms crossed across their chests and dressed in what looked like some kind of animal costumes. The best the scarred Jounin could tell, Hana was some kind of dog…at least if the fake ears on her head were anything to go by. And Anko….well, the best thing he could think to describe her costume was a body stocking with some strategically placed rips and tears.
"Were they drunk?" Kakashi queried, squinting at a group picture of the village kunoichi. Rin had mentioned that the recent mission she and the other women had been assigned to had made them dress in some kind of ridiculously impractical clothing for surveillance purposes….but…
Was that Hinata Hyuuga in a bunny costume! And since when had Rin started dressing as one of her summons and acting as a bartender?
'Oh dear god,' the copy nin thought. 'someone is going to die if Hiashi sees this.'
"What the hell is going on here?" Genma almost roared, waving around the picture of Shizune and Suzume.
"It was part of their mission." Sasuke said coldly, causing the gathered shinobi to turn their attention to the usually stoic Uchiha. "Sakura told us about it earlier this evening."
"The one they just got back from?" Genma asked, glaring at the young man. He hadn't had the chance to go talk to Shizune since she'd gotten back, and was actually on his way to do just that when he had heard the racket outside the gates and gone to investigate the cause.
"Yeah."
"How does protecting the daimyo's daughters translate into this?" Raidou asked, still gaping at the second picture now in his hand. Tsunade may look like she was twenty, but she was still the Hokage. And Raidou didn't think she would appreciate everyone seeing her prancing around in a practically see-through fox costume.
"The two clients were party planners." Kotetsu explained, having heard the story from Hana right after they had returned. "And they had a bit of a…wild side to them."
"I'll say." Kakashi muttered, still looking at the picture in his hand. Who knew Rin had such nice legs? He sure didn't….
"The two months that Tsuande and the others were commissioned to work amounted to patrolling the parties that the daimyo's daughters planned and oversaw because of some threats from some of the daimyo's opposition factions." Izumo explained. "As such, those hired to oversee the security of the two clients had to fit in with each different party theme that was chosen because the two wome absolutely refused to quit working, threats or not."
"And how many of these parties were there?" Raidou asked, looking up at the Chunin.
"Six. One for each week they were gone with the exception of the last two." Naruto growled.
"And that leads to…." Genma prompted, waiting for further clarification.
"Apparently one of the clients thought it was cute to see the girls in the outfits, and took pictures at the end of each party." Sasuke explained in clipped tones that betrayed exactly how mad he was with the whole situation. "They were compiled into a folder and sent back to the Hokage tower with the clothes and costumes that the daimyo's daughters let the them have after the mission was over."
"Jiraiya found them in a folder the day after all the junk got to the village." Naruto continued, folding his arms over his chest and getting ready to relay a portion of the series of events that had led up to why they were all currently gathered there.
Naruto was on his way to the Hokage's office, ready to rip his ex-sensei a new hole in his ass for assigning him to a D-rank mission that had him plucking weeds out of some old crone's garden for the past four hours. The blonde Chunin grimaced and then frowned, rubbing his head from where the old woman had hit him upside the head with her walking cane for pulling the peppermint bushes he had been raising for medicinal purposes.
How the hell was he supposed to know the difference between peppermint bushes and crabgrass? It all looked the same to him.
Naruto made it to the office of the Hokage, gearing himself up to chew Jiraiya out for his stupidity, when he heard a loud clunking followed by the sound laughing. The blonde shinobi stopped dead in his tracks, recognizing that deep rumble.
Jiraiya was doing something he wasn't supposed to.
Naruto wasted no time, and quickly pushed the doors to the office space open, scowl firmly in place. Jiraiya, who seemed not to notice his entrance, just continued to pilfer through one of the two large wooden trunks that he was currently submerged head first in.
"…ooohhh…" his cackling voice resonated, "…wonder which one had this on….hehehehehehehe."
"Ero-sennin!" Naruto growled, but got no response from the old man. The Kyuubi container huffed in aggravation and stalked over to the chest, wondering if it would cause much bodily harm to the old pervert if he accidentally slammed the lid of the trunk while Jiraiya was still digging through it. "Ero-sennin! I'm talking to you!"
"Huh? Wha?" Jiraiya grumbled, finally looking up at the young man. "What do you want now, idiot? Can't you see I'm busy?"
"With what?" Naruto asked pointedly.
"Research." Jiraiya said, grinning like an idiot and clutching what looked to be like a scrap of black material to his chest.
"Research?" Naruto queried, thinking that usually Jiraiya's research consisted of him spying on the women's bath houses. The young man glanced down at the trunk, seeing a disorganized pile of odd looking clothing. He reached down and grabbed at some random garment and held it up, trying to see how the pervert could possibly be researching clothing. "Don't you actually have to be out of the office to do that? And what is this stuff anyway?" The little piece of material he had in his hand looked more like something someone could make a slingshot out of considering how stretchy it was.
"That, my dear boy, is a thong." Jiraiya said, idiotic expression on his face as he set a rather thick folder on the desk and continued to rummage through the contents. Naruto just gave him a weird look, turning the scrap of cloth around in his hand.
"A what?"
"It's a woman's underwear, you dolt!"
"AAAIIIYYYY!"
"What is wrong with you!" Jiraiya demanded, catching the undergarment before it hit the ground. "Be careful! You don't want to rip it!"
"It wouldn't take much!" the blonde said loudly. "Where did this stuff come from?"
"Tsunade sent it back so they wouldn't have to drag it with them when they finished the mission and headed back." Jiraiya said absently, thong in one hand and what looked like a red corset in the other.
"You telling' me they had to wear this stuff?" Naruto demanded, trying to picture his girlfriend in what he was seeing. There was no way! Hinata had more sense than that! She wasn't Ino for god's sake!
"Yeah." he grinned, nodding over to a scroll that had the Hokage's neat writing on it. Naruto grabbed it and glanced over the note.
Jiraiya,
The chests are supplies left over from the first six weeks of the mission. Have Kotetsu or Izumo put them in my quarters after they arrives and I'll take care of it when we get back.
Tsunade
"Hey, Ero-Sennin," Naruto glowered, "she said put it in her room, not go through it. Just because she left you in charge of the place for a few weeks doesn't mean you're supposed to go against orders!"
"Shut up." Jiraiya said, tucking a few of the excuses for clothing into his pocket with a salacious grin.
"Ero-sennin…." Naruto growled.
"I said shut up, brat." the white headed man growled back, obviously getting ready to bodily make the young man get quiet. They were in the middle of a stare down when two heads popped in the room.
"Is everything okay in here?" Kotetsu asked, seeing the teacher-student duo looking like they were about to do some rearranging of the Hokage's office. "Jiraiya-sama?"
"Everything's fine." the pervert said firmly, shutting the lid loudly and then gesturing for the two Chunin assistants. "Take those to Tsunade's quarters."
"Sir." the two men answered, walking in and each one grabbing a handle.
"You take the other one, idiot." Jiraiya said, nodding towards the smaller trunk. Naruto, who was long accustomed to doing what the older man said, snarled in aggravation but quickly created a shadow clone to help him with the clunky object. Each Naruto grabbed a side and they took off behind the much frazzled Kotetsu and Izumo.
By the time the trunks were setting in Tsunade's quarters, and Naruto had headed back to the office to start his rant about being assigned to low ranked mission, he found a happily cackling Jiraiya sitting in behind the desk with the contents of a folder spread out in front of him. The blonde couldn't see what his old teacher was looking at, but if the copious amounts of blood flowing from the pervert's nose, the maniacal cackling and his glazed eyes were any indication, Naruto had a good idea that naked women were somehow involved.
Unfortunately, the Sannin noticed his return, and quickly shoved whatever he was looking at back into the folder hastily throwing it into the top desk drawer. Naruto didn't pay it any mind though since he was used to the white-headed legend randomly spouting nosebleeds when he saw a pretty girl dressed in next to nothing. It was probably the latest edition of the swimsuit magazine the old codger had been looking at. Truthfully though, Naruto could care less. He wanted to have a talk about why he and the other Chunins were suddenly being given nothing but D and C ranked missions. And if it meant beating the pervert in the head to get his point across, Naruto was going to make sure he didn't wind up being the weed puller in anymore old lady's gardens.
He had a hard head, but his skull couldn't handle the constant abuse!
"For the next few days after that, we couldn't figure out what had Jiraiya-sama in such a good mood." Kotetsu said. "He constantly had a grin on his face, and I think the floor around Tsunade-sama's desk has been permanently stained red."
"Not to mention he started humming that damned song constantly and we didn't know why." Izumo muttered.
"What song?" Genma asked.
"I'm getting to that." Kotetsu said.
"Like he said, we didn't know what was wrong with the idiot. He hadn't left the office for almost a week, unless it was to get lunch. I think it's the most peace the women's bathhouses have had since he came back." Naruto continued. "So we figured we'd find out what was going on. The three of us snuck into the Hokage's office while Jiraiya-baka was gone to get lunch one day, and took a peek at the folder that he kept tossing back in the desk when someone walked in."
"Guess what we found?" Izumo grinned.
"The photos." Raidou guessed.
"Exactly." Kotetsu snickered.
"And when the pervert came back, I told him I was going to tell Granny that he'd been going through her stuff if he didn't start assigning me some missions that wasn't saving cats from trees or babysitting the bratlings at the Academy." Naruto groused.
"I assume he didn't?" Kakashi asked.
"He told me that he was above being threatened by a hard-headed whelp that he taught how to be a proper ninja." Naruto said sourly, only to suddenly grin at them. "But I fixed him. I snuck a tape recorder in the office right before he came back from lunch one day."
"Tape recorder?" Genma asked. "For what?"
"So I'd have a copy of that stupid song he made up about the girls." Naruto cackled.
"You recorded him singing?" Raidou asked stupidly. "A song's a song. How bad could it be?"
"You haven't heard it yet." Sasuke said darkly.
"So anyway, I got the copy and told Jiraiya I was going to let Tsunade hear it when she got back." Naruto explained. "But he thought I was bluffing, and told me to get the hell out of there because I had a mission to do and Iruka-sensei was waiting for me at the Academy."
"And how does that add up to this?" Asuma asked warily.
"He actually let her hear whatever it was Jiraiya made up about them." Kakashi muttered, finally seeing how everything fell into place.
"Yep." the blonde said happily. "Hinata told me that all the girls were getting together for a night out together to celebrate finally getting the mission finished. So while they were at the bar, I slipped the DJ the recording I made. He played it and next thing I know, the girls are seeing red and Sakura is confiscating the tape from the terrified DJ and heading straight for the Hokage's office."
"Kotetsu and I were finishing up our rounds for the night when we saw the girls stalking towards the tower, Sasuke and Naruto following them." Izumo explained quickly. "We figured out what was happening when Shizune and came flying out the tower, muttering something about finding Kurenai and Rin so they could 'go maim the perverted bastard'.
"You knew about this?" Kakashi asked, looking over his shoulder at Sasuke, who was still glowering.
"Not until we were on our way to the tower." the Uchiha answered sullenly. "Dobe told me about it while the girls were with the Hokage."
"How did Jiraiya know they were coming after him?" Kakashi asked, looking at Naruto. "You said he had a twenty minute head start."
"He was walking by the bar when the song played." Naruto snickered evilly. "I saw him haul ass when he realized why Sakura and Tenten looked ready to tear the place down."
"Well, that would explain it." Raidou said glumly. "Tsunade heard the tape and gathered all the women for a head hunting party. He's as good as dead."
"Well, he will be in a few minutes." Kakashi muttered as howls were heard on the night air. "They found him." The men grimaced, realizing that all hell was about to break loose. And it was being heralded by the chorus of a what sounded like a thousand howling, barking, angry canines.
"Do you think he's dead yet?" Raidou asked a few minutes later after the noise had stopped.
"Passed out maybe. Dismembered, more than likely. But dead?" the senbon sucking Jounin asked, shaking his head. "I doubt it. They're not going to let him die before they all get their licks in." A few minutes later, the gathered men could sense the familiar chakra signatures of their colleagues, and Naruto jumped to attention.
"Get rid of the pictures!" he hissed, turning his attention to the men.
"Are you kidding? This is the best blackmail material we'll ever get!" Raidou crowed, stuffing the pictures of Anko and Tsunade into his pocket.
"If you're smart, and don't want to wind up in the same boat as the pervert, you might want to do what he said." Sasuke said evenly.
"They find those pictures and we're all going to die very slow, very painful deaths." Kotetsu said quickly, his eyes scanning the treetops as the chakra signatures drew closer.
"Give'em here." Naruto demanded. The gathered shinobi seemed reluctant, but handed the photos back. Naruto set them down on the ground, and turned to Sasuke with an expectant look. The Uchiha simply stepped forward, done a few hand signs, and proceeded to torch the small stack of incriminating pictures with a fireball.
"What'd you do that for!" Genma hissed angrily.
"We've got more important things to worry about right now." the Uchiha answered coldly, stepping back into the relative shadows of the trees just as Kurenai, Hana, Rin and Hinata appeared in the clearing, what looked to be a mummified body dragging behind them. Kakashi quickly wondered if the four women standing before him had already put the white headed Sannin out of his misery, despite Tsunade's orders. But the mumbling, groaning and litany of curses emanating from their cargo was proof enough that the captured man inside the mass of bandages was far from dead.
A few seconds later, there was a blonde blur and three darker ones as Tsunade arrived, followed closely by Shizune and Suzume, with Anko bringing up the rear with her summoned snakes that curled around the clearing, effectively cutting off any possible exit route should the captive try to escape once again. Kurenai's bats had taken roost in the overhead branches of the trees while Hana's and Rin's canine companions were standing at their mistress' feet, growling at the mass of white bandages that was Jiraiya. A few seconds later, there was a deluge of little white and blue slugs as Katsuyu's mini-clones recombined themselves once again into the towering slug queen, who took her place next to Gamabunta.
"Unwrap him." Tsunade ordered briskly. Hana and Anko moved forward and quickly pulled the bandages off of the still cursing pervert, easily stringing them up between the branches of two trees that were close by. The white-headed man just glared at the two women rough handling him, at least until Tsunade stepped forward and pulled his attention to her.
"Jiraiya. Out for a midnight stroll?" she asked coldly.
"Something like that. What do you think you're doing, Granny?" Jiraiya demanded, tugging at the bandages as hard as he could, to no avail.
"Why can't he get loose?" Raidou asked, voicing the question running through many of the spectator's minds.
"His chakra points have been closed off." Sasuke answered. "There would be no way he'd have been caught otherwise. Hinata must have done it after the dogs caught up with him."
"And those are Tenten's chakra-infused bandages. They can't be broken with raw strength alone. I doubt even the Hokage could get out of them." Kotetsu added quietly.
"….ladies, let's not do anything rash." Jiraiya's voice pleaded, bringing everyone's attention back to the side of the clearing where the ninja had been strung up like a scarecrow.
"Rash?" Tsunade questioned far too innocently. "Now why would we want to do something like that?"
"Well…heheheh…"
"We're just going to give you a desperately needed lesson…." Shizune said calmly.
"….in when not to go digging through things that don't belong to you!" Suzume finished.
"What are you talking about?" Jiraiya asked, the picture of terrified innocence. "I haven't done anything!"
"Oh really?" Tsunade asked, giving Naruto a pointed look and holding out her hand. The blonde stepped up and handed the tape player over to the Hokage. "Maybe this will jog your memory, pervert. I haven't hit you hard enough for you to forget anything yet." She fiddled with the recorder for a few seconds before pressing the play button and sitting it on a stump right in front of the ghostly white man that had been caught.
Some scratchy back ground noise was heard, along with the familiar squeaking of the chair in Tsunade's office as Jiraiya sat down in it, humming happily to himself. A few seconds later, the sound of a radio was heard, along with the static and nonsensical wording as someone changed the station before finally settling down on one right as the quick tempo of an upbeat song filtered through the speakers. Jiraiya's gruff laughter was heard then, along with an errant comment about his perfect timing. Next thing everyone knew, they were hearing a ridiculously off-key rendition of the song currently playing in the background, only it seemed as though Jiraiya had taken some liberties with the lyrics that were apparently the reason he was currently on the verge of being maimed by eleven very angry women.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jiraiya's Top Twelve
"His top what?" Genma asked dumbly.
"Listen." Izumo said, giving the sandy-haired Jounin a smirk.
One, two, three, four, five
All the guys are in the bar, so come on
Let's head to the bathing house around the corner
The boys say they want to see some skin
But I really don't wanna
"He made a song about peeping?" Asuma asked, looking over at Naruto. "They're ready to kill him for that?"
"Just wait." Naruto muttered, watching as Jiraiya turned even paler as the song continued.
Get caught like I did last week
Where the water's not deep
And the towels are cheap
I saw Sakura, Ino, Hana and Tenten
And don't forget Hinata…she's even sweeter
"I'll show the old pervert sweet." Naruto hissed, glancing over at his girlfriend, who, despite her usually calm and pleasant personality, looked like she was ready to murder Jiraiya on the spot. Beside him, Sasuke grunted in agreement, cracking his knuckles in an effort not to jump in and pound Jiraiya himself.
"It's a good thing Neiji's not here right now." Asuma commented dryly, just imaging the reaction the Hyuuga would have to hearing not only his cousin's name, but Tenten's name as well, being thrown around in such a context.
So what can I do, I really enjoy the show
To me peeping is just like a sport,
It's all fun, but let me tell you
They find you, and you're black and blue
"He's going to be purple when this is over with." Kotetsu muttered, watching as Hana bared her fangs at the captured man in anger for bringing her name into the little parody.
A little more Temari in my life
"He better be glad she did leave for Suna." Raidou commented with a smirk.
A cute bit of Suzume by my side
"Iruka's gonna be pissed." someone muttered.
A good pinch of Anko is all I need
Raidou choked and glared at the Sannin. Anko was going to kill the pervert!
A lot more of Rin I want to see
Kakashi desperately hoped the man had made out his final will. Raidou was right, he was as good as dead.
A quick peep of Shizune in the sun
Genma almost swallowed his senbon in surprise. He hadn't thought Jiraiya would actually drag Shizune into this as well.
A whole lotta Tsunade all night long
"And that's the icing on the cake." Sasuke grunted, watching as the Godaime's fingers continued to tap impatiently on her arm.
A sweet view of Kurenai from where I stand
Asuma fingered the trench knives in his pockets, realizing exactly why Kurenai was ready to spit nails.
You get'em all together
Hot damn! Oh, man!
'One thing is for sure,' Kakashi thought, looking around at the murderous stares from the surrounding shinobi. 'if the girls don't kill him, there are plenty others who are willing to do it right now.'
They jump up and down while they play around
They shake their bodies to the sound
They put their hands on the ground
"He didn't actually see all of them in the bathing house, did he?" Genma asked, his palms itching to reach for the senbon hidden in his pouch and send them flying towards the now slumped over prisoner.
"Probably so, at one point or another." Kotetsu grunted.
I want Sakura on my left
And Ino on my right
"Shikamaru is gone with Neiji and Iruka on that mission to River Country, right." Kakashi asked, glancing at Sasuke. The Uchiha only nodded. "Okay, so no death by shadows."
"Is that supposed to make him feel better?" Sasuke asked, giving his sensei a pointed look.
Hana in the front
Hinata in the back
"It would make me feel better." the copy-nin shrugged.
They clap their hands once
And they wink at me twice
And it looks like tonight
We're getting treated to a sight
"He's gonna get something tonight, that's for sure." Izumo whistled as the chorus of the song went through another repetition, effectively smothering the air with wave after wave of killing intent that was resonating from the gathered kunoichi.
Ladies…
They're gorgeous…
I'm in heaven
"Heaven? He's got a one way ticket straight to hell." Kakashi mused, glancing over at a fuming Rin, who still hadn't gotten rid of her wolves yet. The canines seemed to have picked up their mistress' ire and were glaring at the man with inhumane yellow eyes.
A little more Temari in my life
A cute bit of Suzume by my side
A good pinch of Anko is all I need
"What was he thinking?" Raidou asked.
A lot more of Rin I want to see
A quick peep of Shizune in the sun
"He wasn't thinking, that's the problem." Sasuke said coldly.
A whole lotta Tsunade all night long
A sweet view of Kurenai from where I stand
"This is not going to end pretty." Kotetsu mumbled.
You get'em all together
Hot damn! Oh, man!
"You knew that when we started this." Izumo amended.
I'd give it all to
Fall in love with any of them
"Naruto, you realize you've just sentenced your sensei to death, right?" Asuma asked lightly.
"Yeah, I know."
"Isn't that going overboard a bit?"
"No."
I won't run and I won't hide
"I'll be he's wishing he could run right now." Genma grunted.
I think you'll agree, I'm one lucky guy
"He'll be lucky if he's still breathing in the next fifteen minutes." Izumo said quietly as the final strains of the song ended. The shinobi around him nodded in agreement as Tsunade, stopped the little recorder, effectively crushing the electronic apparatus in her hand as she geared up to have another go at the now despondent man.
"Does that sound familiar, Jiraiya?" Tsunade asked coldly. "Ring any bells?"
"Hehehehehe….Rin! Let's be the voice of reason here. You don't want to see your favorite sensei beat to a pulp, right? Not over something like this!" Jiraiya pleaded, obviously figuring there was no way he was going to get out of this one without a beating, and trying to appeal to the usually most rational of the kunoichi. "What about you, Hinata? Remember, I brought you back those medicinal seeds a few months ago."
Hinata and Rin, both usually the gentlest of the Konoha girls just looked at each other for a moment, then turned to glance at the mass of their murderous colleagues.
"Well…." Hinata started uneasily, not looking a bit like she wanted to interfere.
"Get him." Rin said, smirking at the panicked look on their victim's face.
"That's what I was going to suggest." Hinata said, a uncharacteristically pleasant smile on in place, despite the violence raging around her as Jiraiya blanched and Anko stepped forward, angry hisses emanating from the brown coat she always wore.
"Good thing for you Temari took off back to Suna when we got back." the Jounin hissed. "But I think we can make up for her absence."
"Bunta! Help me out!" Jiraiya whined, peering up at the giant toad with pleading eyes.
"I'm not stupid enough to fight an angry mob of women!" the frog rumbled, disappearing in a cloud of white smoke. The men collectively winced as Anko began her own personal form of interrogation that would but Ibiki to shame.
"That looks painful." Kakashi muttered quietly. Of course, he probably could have yelled it and no one would have heard him over the racket the women were currently making.
"It is, trust me." Raidou commented, wincing.
"Anko…Anko….you little brat!"
"They look hungry, Anko."
"Didn't think Anko was the kinky sort." Asuma said lightly.
"You have no idea…." Raidou groaned, shaking his head.
"When's the last time they ate?"
"Get those slimy bastards…."
"Naruto?" Kakashi asked, glancing over at the young man whose face was covered in delightful glee.
"Damn blood sucking…."
"Kurenai, I think he's referring to your bats."
"What?" the blonde asked absently.
"He's not stupid enough to do that."
"…overgrown rats with wings!"
…
"I stand corrected."
Whizz
Clunk
"Kurenai…not necessary…"
"How did they find out Jiraiya had found the pictures? And do you still have the photos you took?"
Ow! Hey! Don't do….fuck!"
Shink
Shink
Shink
"Tsunade noticed the ones I took yesterday were gone." the blonde answered simply. "And those were the ones Sasuke torched a few minutes ago, remember? She thought Jiraiya had'em."
"You're supposed to do the autopsy after they're dead, Shizune."
"And your point is?"
"But you did make a copy of the pictures, right?" Kakashi queried.
"Put the damned kunai down! I need that body part, Tsunade!"
Thunk
"Not when we get finished, you won't!"
"What kind of idiot do you think I am?" the blonde demanded. "You see what they're doing to him. I'm not about to be caught red handed!"
"…perverted old bastard! Get your ass back here!"
Crash
Growl
"Hana! Dammit! Quit biting!"
"You mean you didn't?" Asuma asked.
"Owowowwowowowow….."
"You're joking, right?" Genma asked. "Please tell us you're joking."
"That wasn't made…to bend that way!"
"Well we're just going to increase your range of motion."
Snap
"Should make for some interesting new positions for your books, pervert."
"If you can still write after this that is…"
"I'm not!" Naruto said hotly.
"Dammit, you flat chested bitch! What'd you teach her!"
"How to deal with jackasses like you, Jiraiya."
Smack
"Sakura…you really don't want to do this…."
"Says who?"
Groan
"You didn't even make one copy?"
"Suzume…not…no…No! AAAIIIIYYYY!"
"Of course not! Why would I do that?" the young man said firmly, arms crossed at his chest. "I made a couple dozen."
"That's a good boy." Kakashi said, the grin visible even underneath his mask.
"Naruto!" Jiraiya yelled.
"What?" the blonde asked flatly.
"Some…..help!" Jiraiya asked with a wince.
"Uhhhh….no." the young man said, his voice showing exactly how much he was enjoying the show.
"You lousy, good for nothing, slacker!"
"Don't talk about Naruto-kun like that!"
"Sic'em, Hinata."
"Byakugan!"
"Not that…not again….AIYIIYYYY!"
"You do realize Jiraiya's going to rat you out when this is over. All three of you." Raidou said quietly, looking over at Kotetsu, Izumo and Naruto.
"He won't be conscious for a few weeks after they're done." Kotetsu said reassuringly.
"Yeah. The last time Granny got on him, he was out for a week." Naruto added.
"Let Sakura have a go. He won't remember anything for months." Sasuke amended. "If she doesn't beat it out of him, Ino can scramble his synapses."
"Wake his sorry ass up!"
"I think he's dead, Lady Hokage."
"Bastard better not be that lucky." Naruto commented angrily, glaring at the slumped over version of his ex-sensei.
"No he's not. He's still twitching!"
"That's his nerves, Tenten."
"Oh."
…
…
"Will we be considered accessories to murder if we don't step in and stop them soon?" Asuma asked easily, wincing as his old student took a swing at the Sannin.
"He's not moving."
Poke
Poke
Smack
"Did we kill him?"
"You can't be an accessory to anything if you're already dead." Genma pointed out, chewing thoughtfully on his ever present senbon. "I don't know about you, but I'm not getting in there to stop them. Shizune's dangerous when she's this riled up."
"Good point." Asuma said, leaning against a tree with his arms folded.
"And Shikamaru, Kiba, Neiji, and Iruka aren't here to calm the other three down." Izumo commented, turning to his long time friend. "Should we go try to get Hana off of him now?"
"Are you crazy?" Kotetsu demanded hotly. "Who hit you in the head?"
"That's what I thought." Izumo said, shrugging.
"…yet. He's still breathing."
"No he's not."
"So he is dead?"
"I told you. He's faking it!"
"I thought Rin and Kurenai were supposed to be the calm ones." Raidou commented, watching as the red-eyed woman in question finally doled out her retribution on the pervert.
"Define calm." Asuma grunted, watching his red-eyed lover make the signs for a genjutsu he was more than familiar with.
"Well….Kurenai I kinda expected." Izumo said, letting a low whistle of appreciation go as Rin took up her place in front of the captured man. "But Rin?"
"Shows how much you know." Kakashi muttered, having been on the receiving end of his old teammate's wrath a few times since she'd returned to Konoha a few years ago. Rin was a sweet woman most of the time, very gentle and soft spoken. "She's a handful when she's mad. Just watch."
"Well bring him back! I'm not done yet!"
"Me neither!"
"Umm…aren't necromantic jutsus forbidden?"
"I just legalized them. Now get him awake, Shizune!"
"Might as well get comfortable. We're going to be here a while." Sasuke commented idly.
"Won't be that much longer at the rate they're going." Kotetsu said with a shrug.
"There are four high level medics over there." Genma pointed out. "He'll pass out and one of them will drag him back into consciousness."
"This could take a while then." Asuma said lightly.
"Like I said, get comfortable." Sasuke repeated.
"That should do it."
"He's coming back around."
…
…
Groan
Shuffle
"What happened…."
"Have a good nap, pervert?"
"Oh, shit…"
A/N - Well, that one's finished, and I hope you enjoyed it. I tried a new way of writing with this one shot, leaving most of the dialogue to cue what was going on instead of describing it all out in detail. I'm not quite sure how I like it….
Anyhow, I hope you liked it, and at least found it a bit funny. Humorous writing is not my strong point, but I do like to make an attempt every now and then.
So, until next time,
A.A.
Oh, and please review, as I'd like to know what you think.