Unattainable
not able to be achieved; impossible
"Damn it."
He painstakingly hauled his body off the ground and struggled to remain conscious, his body swaying shaking uncontrollably. His heavy breathing came in spurts and the muscles along his arm and hand screamed for relief as he fought to keep his grip on his zanpakutō. Sweat glistened visibly around the edges of his face, a result of having used most of his reiatsu.
"Stop it Abarai. Any more and you're really gonna die."
"I'm fine, just let me catch my breath and I'll be good for another round."
"Tch, you say that but you can't even stand up straight."
"Ikkaku-san, please just a little more. I need to get stronger."
"Look. I don't give a shit about your Kuchiki Byakuya. One thing I know is, I ain't gonna fight no dead man." With that said, he turned around readied to sheathe his sword. Just before he completely tucked it away, he caught a glimpse of an attack from his side and swiftly blocked it with the scabbard of his zanpakutō.
"What the hell you doing Abarai?" Ikkaku exclaimed.
"I'm sorry Ikkaku-san, but I said I needed to get stronger. This is the only way," he answered.
"Stubborn lil' bastard," he said, whilst effortlessly deflecting Renji's attack and sending him flying with a sharp jab from the hilt of his zanpakutō. "I told you to stop."
Feeling the remnants of reiatsu still remaining, Ikkaku approached Renji's tattered body and bent down, lifting his chin so that they locked gazes. The glint in his eyes betrayed his fearlessness. Ikkaku sighed and stood up.
"You got a death wish or somethin'?"
Ignoring the cries of agony from his body, Renji placed one palm on the ground and slowly maneuvered his way to a standing position. Vision shaking and legs trembling, he charged forward with zanpakutō in hand.
He barely made it within a foot of Ikkaku before stumbling over from fatigue. Crushing his fists into the earth, he let out a howl of desperation, despising his own innate weakness.
What good was he if he couldn't even defeat Ikkaku-san, who was a mere 3rd seat? How could he possibly dream of defeating his ultimate rival, whose power was almost uncontested?
How could he even think of rescuing Rukia?
"Don't make me repeat myself Abarai. When I say you stop, then you stop. I don't want to see a shinigami kill himself over somethin' stupid," Ikkaku stated, while slowly approaching Renji.
The corners of his mouth etched up into a grin as he retorted boldly, "I'm not afraid of dying. If I can't accomplish what I set out to do, then there's no use in living."
Ikkaku stared intently into his eyes, and the other returned the gaze with equal fervor. "You really mean that don't you?"
"Yeah, I do."
Scoffing at his response, Ikkaku said, "Don't die. If you die, then you can't fight no mo'."
"But I need to save Rukia from—" Renji began.
He was cut short by the massive waves of reiatsu in front of him. It suddenly became even harder for him to breath, and the stifling spiritual pressure was threatening to engulf him with its power.
It was the same feeling as before, the same feeling when he first met him.
Cold sweat broke out all over his body and he remained unmoving, paralyzed with fear.
This overwhelming reiatsu...it feels different than his but contains unmistakably the familiar trace power and command.
It was the very thing that he desired, but how could a 3rd seat possess spiritual power equivalent to a captain's?
"You feel it, don't you?" Ikkaku said solemnly. "The force of my spiritual pressure."
Speechless, Renji nodded.
"Then you already know that your spiritual power can't even match up to mine, much less to his."
"I know that!" he gritted his teeth. "That's why I'm doing this."
"Yeah, you sure as hell is weak if you tryin' to kill yourself," Ikkaku sighed. "If you lose, whether you fightin' fo' real or not, don't ever think it's ok to die. Feel lucky that you're alive and jus' train harder so you'll beat them next time."
Neither of them spoke for a while as Ikkaku left Renji to contemplate his words. He was leaning comfortably against a rock while resting his zanpakutō by his side. Renji was sitting cross-legged, with a solemn look in his eyes. Soon, the soft sound of snoring could be heard.
Hours whisked by, and soon, a darkening blue tainted the skies overhead. Stars emerged as miniscule sparkles in the vast sky, decorating it with its magnificent prowess.
Finally, Ikkaku stirred slightly, and awoke with an exaggerated yawn. Noticing that Renji was still there, he gave a small nod of recognition and quietly walked away without disturbing him from his revere.
As for Renji, Ikkaku's words weighed deeply on his mind and roused new worries.
For one thing, his pride was shot. The combination of his defeat and being called weak chipped painfully at his inner ego.
Pride had come to mean so much him. As much as he hated to admit it, that man was really rubbing off on him.
Kuchiki Byakuya, the source of his sorrow and oddly, his motivation. Without him, Rukia wouldn't have been a noble. She would have graduated from Shinigami Academy the same as him, and relished the simple pleasures of ordinary shinigamis; she would have been by his side.
But as it was, there was that barrier separating them. Numerous occasions he's challenged the man, and every time, the result was the same. It wasn't long before he started flinching at the mere scent of cherry blossoms. At least their multiple encounters kept the fourth division on its toes.
Jus' train harder so you'll beat them next time. Could he do that? Sure he could train, but will that be enough? Just exactly what is enough to beat Kuchiki Byakuya?
One thing at a time, he reminded himself. No matter how long it took, he'll definitely get Rukia to return to his side.
"Even if it takes a lifetime," he said aloud. "It's a promise."
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" the shopkeeper screamed as he loosened the rope around his ankles and chased after the duo.
"Ah shit..."
"Why is it that you always get us caught every single time?"
"Shut up, it ain't my fault."
"Oh yeah? Whose job was it to tie him to the table?"
"He's just strong ok? Now shut up and keep running."
The redhead and raven haired girl scrambled down the streets holding loaves of bread in their arms while trying to avoid the wrath of their pursuer. People yielded the path for the two rampaging kids and either shook their heads in disapproval or ignored them entirely.
Sights like these were common in the poverty stricken areas of Rukongai. Children pilfered from shopkeepers and stole jugs of water from stands. This task was accomplished easier in groups, where they would scheme plots to ensure their daily rations.
In return, shopkeepers and stand owners were always chasing down kids with their brooms or some offhand weapon. Petty burglaries were not something they desired, but rather created a lifestyle that was necessary for their survival.
For Renji and Rukia though, they were lucky. Since they possessed an adequate amount of spiritual power, they would never starve. But that didn't mean they weren't just as hungry as everyone else.
Upon their return to the shelter, they split the loaves among the younger children and some others who had not received their share that day. The remainder was scant as they always took a modest share, never overindulging. They took their share and went out to their usual dining spot under the tree.
Much of the time was spent in silence either enjoying their treat or admiring the beautiful scenery. However, whenever she talked, the voiced flowed rich and smooth like the gentle waves of the ocean, melodiously against his ears.
"Hey, Renji."
"Yeah?"
"You ever imagine what life would be like in the Court of Pure Souls?"
Renji stopped chewing for a moment and thought for a moment. "Well, I reckon they treat their people pretty good down there."
"I heard that they never go hungry and even get a place to stay," she stared dreamily at the sky.
"For free?"
"I think so. But you have to attend the Academy there first."
"What do they teach you at the Academy?"
"Stuff about becoming a shinigami." She brightened at the prospect of further discussion on this topic. Renji was curious as to how long she has preserved her desire for a better life. How long has she yearned for something like this?
"How do you get in?" he asked.
"They make you take an entrance test and if you do well, then you're in."
"Even if you're from Rukongai?"
"Yeah, they accept anyone who passes."
"You thinking about trying for the test?"
Rukia stopped her rambling and suddenly grew silent. Renji frowned and looked over at her face, only to witness an expression filled with painstaking regret. Her hands were gripped tightly by her sides and the bread lied forgotten on the ground.
"I can't. We can't," she finally answered softly. "We have our duties. What will happen to these children when we're gone? Who will take care of them?"
From the moment he met her, he was awed by her beauty and overflowing compassion. He admired her sense of obligation and selflessness. However, he restrained from screaming that she deserved a life also, and that if there truly was a God, he would allow her to indulge in certain pleasures that others simply took for granted.
But as it was, he settled for leaning back onto the tree trunk while thinking of a better response.
Finally he spoke, "We'll wait."
"For what?"
"For someone to come along and resume our duties."
Rukia laughed at his naivety and innocence dripping from his words. "How can you be so sure? What if no one comes along? What then?"
She turned to meet his gaze and for a moment, she shuddered at the intense sincerity reflected in his eyes. He seemed brimming with confidence.
"Our moment will come. And together, we'll go to the Court of Pure Souls."
"You say this with such ease. What could you possibly know?"
Then he reverted back to his usual scowl, making Rukia smile slightly. "Even if we can't, we'll just keep living like this. Life ain't so bad," he turned away and blushed immensely before adding, "Besides, we got each other. I bet no shinigami's got a friendship like ours."
"Renji..."
"So what I'm saying is, don't worry about it. We'll be fine," he continued avoiding her look, still embarrassed from his earlier words.
"Then promise me that we'll always be together?"
Renji noticed the glint in her eyes. She had that looks whenever she was determined about something, or determined to achieve something. It was that same look that sent his chest tingling and his heart racing. And he would do whatever it took to protect it.
"Yeah, I promise."
He'd gotten his wish, in the worst way possible. Their friends, those people that they'd once sworn to protect, were all dead. They both mourned silently at the edge of the hill where they were laid to rest, and his sorrow was sincere in all respects.
However, a part of him was relieved. He—no, they, were no longer duty-bound; they were free.
That's what he thought when he cruised through the halls of the Academy. Rukia and him would be able to live their lives selfishly. Together.
How naive he was.
Not even a month after their entrance into the Academy, all hell broke loose, or at least in Renji's world. The prominent Kuchiki family sought out to recruit Rukia into their noble family.
He remembered barging into a room with news of his accomplishments, and how fast they dissipated when he laid eyes on the figures standing a distance away. The impasse look and the unique power signature were forever ingrained in his memory as the man clad in captain robe strode briskly past him. Renji could barely recover from the initial fear to register Rukia's following words.
"They're adopting me into the Kuchiki family."
The words stabbed at his heart, and suddenly, he found it difficult to breath. However, Renji buried his emotions and put on a fake smile before congratulating her and gushing about the perks of the good life.
But the look on her face screamed of an unfamiliar sadness and agony, unbefitting of her usual self.
Rukia waited until Renji stopped talking before uttering an apology and brushing past him.
Just when he thought that they had found their happiness in this new world, everything was taken from him in an instant. He reveled in his simplistic resolve that he could protect her forever. Nothing could be done when the opponent was someone unassailable of captain class.
He'd lost her again. In the end, he was nothing but a loser.
Renji leaned against the wall opposite of the prison cell and stared blankly into space. Occasionally, he would steal a look or two at the prisoner inhabiting the cell. Every time, he would catch her staring wistfully outside the window, eyes glazed over. He could tell that her mind was not in this world.
The very girl that he had promised to be with for all his life was now sitting in front of him behind bars, waiting for her execution. Even now, when he had finally been promoted to vice captain, there was nothing he could do for her. She was sentenced to death. His captain's words were absolute.
All because of some Kurosaki Ichigo.
Fist clenched, teeth grinding against one another, he took one last look at the prisoner, and strode towards the exit. He knew what he needed, or at least wanted to do; he was going to kill Kurosaki Ichigo.
"Sorry, Renji."
"Idiot, don't be sorry."
"Thank you."
"Idiot, don't thank me either."
The weight in his arms was incomparable to the heavy weight in his heart, the one that screamed of his incompetence. He was careful to avert his eyes from the fragile body in his arms, instead fully concentrating on his orders. He couldn't withstand the look in her eyes that she reserved especially for Ichigo.
His orders to take Rukia as far away from the sōkyoku were from none other than Kurosaki Ichigo, the man he swore he would kill, and coincidentally the man who saved the same girl he swore to protect.
He was fucking pathetic.
His promise to Rukia that they would be together for eternity was shattered to pieces by Kuchiki Byakuya. And after spending countless hours training to his limit, he had finally attained the position of vice-captain, a mere notch away from his goal, only to be deterred by the sudden appearance of Kurosaki Ichigo. In his frustration, the only plausible solution was to remove the new obstacle from the equation.
Then he went and lost to Ichigo, even going as far as defaming his pride by begging him to save Rukia. Now, he was also taking orders from him. What an ironic change of events.
His consecutive failures had cost him his reputation, his word, and his pride, something that he held in the highest regard, probably influenced by his captain. Now it severed the last chance he had with the girl he loved the most, and lived his whole life for.
But even if he never found the chance to confess his love, or if she did not reciprocate it, or even if she decided to settle for someone like Ichigo, their history would forever remain within their hearts. That was something irreplaceable.
So for now, he'd make do with being the unsung hero of the story.
So uh after rereading it, I realized the flashback scene was semi-confusing but I was too lazy to change it. Anyways, kudos for anyone who understood that the shopkeeper was tied to the table by a rope around his ankles because then we think alike. And you know what they say about minds that think alike...
Ok, I'm going to stop talking now for fear of sounding even stupider. Anyways, as usual reviews are appreciated!