LotR: The Abridged Version

I happened to drop upon the set of LotR and give Aragorn a razor, kill Arwen, change Frodo into Harry Potter, meet Marry Poppins, and meet an untimely death by Gimli.

Prancing daintily, I wandered onto the beautiful peak of Minas Tirith, the city of cold, white marble. Seriously, did the gods happen to drop a huge chunk of marble as they were flying by? I knocked the stone, and it sounded hollow. Maybe it was just cheap plastic coated with white glue. That would make sense.

"Ow." The light reflected by the marble hurt my eyes. I adorned my Gucci sunglasses, and everything turned a light shade of chocolate brown. It was almost like Emerald City… although now I supposed it would be called Chocolate City? Way better than Milo Trinity, or whatever it was called. Seriously, did no one consider the possibility that white marble, especially when the entire city's made of it, could be a painful reflector of light?

"OMG, the tree's on fire!" I shrieked in horror, hugging my Prada clutch close to my breast.

"Calm down, ma'am, it's called a fireplace. Besides, if you don't mind, you're interrupting my wedding." A man's disdainful voice was heard. Suddenly I realized that I was not alone, not even with this burning tree.

Actually, quite a large group of people had gathered. They were dressed rather queerly, in dark robes and fancy garments. There was quite an assortment of species, as well. Maybe, I pondered, in a few centuries' time, this would be what the UN conventions look like. Long beards three feet tall, four hoppin' midgets, even skinny supermodels with pointy ears. God, I hated those people the most. They were the reason I binged myself regularly and weighed myself every two hours.

"Ex-excuse me?" I stuttered at this rude man, scoffing. Then I grimaced, sniffed with disdain, and sputtered, "Pee-whew! Is that you? Oh dear, you would think that after running through the woods with thirty layers on for three straight days would teach you a little about BO, neh? Oh don't worry, I won't keep you from knowing your ances—hygienic information." From my purse, I pulled out a great deal of necessary hygienic products that I had planned to give to my boyfriend, but this guy needed it more. "Here's a blade razor, some shaving cream with OrcBlood essentials, some After Stabbing masks, some Axe cologne, a hair comb…" I shoved all the products onto his chest, and by the time I was done you couldn't even the groom anymore.

"That razor was only fifty-seven cents from Gary-Stue Products, so don't be afraid to stock up in case Arwen comes back to life. An—O-M-G! How could I forget? So the next time Hulk's-woman-bitch tries to kiss you, don't forget to use this." I raised a pack of gum with an eye on the cover.

I smiled prettily, my eyebrows fluttering. "Fabulous! New Orbit Sauronberry Mint cleans another dirty mouth. For a good clean feeling no matter what." My front tooth dinged.

"And YOU!" I was shrieking hysterically, hitting Arwen with an umbrella like as if she just took my poor malnourished baby away. "Do you know how much money I've spent on Mineral Foundations so I could glow like you? You're not even airbrushed." I spat out my gum and hit her squarely in the forehead. Fortunately, the force of the Sauronberry Mint flavor was enough to send her spiraling down Milo Trinity for all eternity.

I giggled like a little girl, my eyes wide and my fingers on my lips. "Oops, I did it again. There you go, Eowyn darling. I took care of your midnight escapade for you. No need to thank me." I flashed a brilliant smile.

"A-actually," she began confusedly, "I'm getting married to Faramir."

"Oh, ree-lay? I mean, they only showed you two for about 1.8 seconds, while the two of them made out for about 6.9 seconds. I thought you guys were… long-lost siblings or something."

"Oh no—" Eowyn retorted, perplexed.

"So Boromir huh? You look pretty happy for a pedophile who attacked my dear Frodo." I huffed in his face.

"But I'm Fara—"

"The guts you have to return from the grave. Just despicable. You know this woman only looks at you because Aragorn can't tell the difference between a Sue vagina and an actual personality."

"I'm his younger bro—"

"Talk to the hand." I stuck out my perfectly manicured nails in his face, which in this case looked pretty threatening. I stormed off in search of some people who weren't overly razed in this web of epic hormones.

"Oh my god, Sam, my savior!" I promptly ran up to smother Gamgee in my cleavage with the smug knowledge of what Rosie would be feeling if she were here. But she's not, which is a pretty good thing for me.

"AAAHHHH! OMG IT'S HARRY POTTER. Well, he also kinda looks like Spiderman a little." From my purse, I pulled out the Harry Potter cosplay set I bought on eBay for my niece and nephews. With my eyeliner, I drew a thunderbolt across his forehead. Then I gave him some broken spectacles with tape in the middle, stuck a wand in his hand, exchanged his willowy cape for some black robes, and sighed.

"Oh, isn't he just perfect? Now all I need to do is kill your parents and submerge you in constant teenage angst." I promptly pulled out a keychain with a pretty gold ring on it.

"See this?" I waved it around his broken spectacles.

"My Ring!" He jumped to reach it, but then I stuffed it in my cleavage, smiling promiscuously.

"NNNOOOOO!"

"See, you're getting it already. Very good. Now pronounce with me, Si-ri-us. Sirius. Now repeat after me: No! Sirius!"

He just stared at me with his mouth agape in a tacit, endless scream. I shrugged, admiring his interpretation of his situation. "I guess that works too."

I turned around to face two other hobbits who were curiously staring at me with their mouths similarly agape. I couldn't remember their names, but suddenly I was struck with insight. "Oh, Mary Poppins! Maybe Toklien ran out of names? So guys, what kind of magical adventure do you have for us today? Are we gonna jump into sidewalks or pull lamps out of purses?" I was jumping eagerly up and down, like a little toddler who had been promised candy. "Oh wait, I can do that too, can't I? Hmm…"

I looked pensively at them, but they just returned empty stares of bewilderment. A pipe fell out of Poppins' mouth.

In sheer horror, I screamed at the top of my lungs, which echoed throughout the entire valley, until the mountain behind us crumbled to the ground. "I can't believe Mary Poppins use tobacco." I wailed hysterically. "Do you know how many little kids watch your show? American Cancer Association is going to murder Disney! If the cancer is taking too long, I'll personally stab Disney myself."

"Oh Gandalf! Where'd you get the hat? Looks golly."

"Why, I'm not Gandalf. I'm Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!" Then he proceeded into several merry rhymes, but he didn't get very far after I had fully assessed the situation.

"An imposter! How dare you desecrate this holy trilogy!" Then I pulled out a book and smacked him with it until there was nothing left of him. Curiously, the book had words in it now. "The Adventures of Tom Bombadil by J.R.R. Tolkien. Curious."

A loud rumble evoked the land, and suddenly from a high watchtower a malevolent eye descended scanned Milo Trinity and descended upon me.

"Stop, stop, stop! Your technique is all wrong," I shouted at The Eye. "Even though you check out thousands of hootchies a day, the reason you never get laid is because girls prefer commitment. Your eye shouldn't be wandering to every vagina in the land, geez." The Eye purred demurely, and seemed to be registering the wisdom of my words.

"Oh what's that, you just want this thing in my cleavage? Oh you are so sick, you know that? Ugh, all the guys these days are jerks." I turned my back, sniffing. "What are you looking at, Gandalf the—the White? What are you supposed to be, Hispanic or something?"

He opened his mouth, but I cut in before him, waving a threatening finger at him. "N-n-n-n-no. Don't even get started with all that 'my heart tells me' crap. Now Bianca's going to get married before me and I'm going to be a widow all my life. If only Heath Ledger weren't gay and didn't die from a drug overdose."

"I'm very sorry to hear that, miss." The voice was mellifluous, with all the sympathy of a nightingale's song. My body swerved to face this voice, as if my muscles had gained a will of their own.

His fair skin was radiant. More than radiant, it was overwhelming. The golden light from his flawless, toned body encompassed my vision… my heart… my world. His willowy hair billowed in the wind, as if an invisible fan followed him. His eyes, so young yet so aged, drew me in like an abyss. They seemed to be constantly changing colors with every camera shot, but that only added to his otherworldly allure.

He walked towards me, his gait more lithe than any pirate's could be. With every step, my heart pounded harder… faster… His mouth opened, but I didn't hear much, only about nosebleeds or something. Rather, his words sounded like the sweetest music to my ears. I had never believed in pheromones or that crap, but his scent was manlier than any cologne and more enticing than any siren's song.

Now he was only an arms' distance from me, and I could make out every distinction of his high cheekbones, and the gray specks in his eyes. But the moment he pulled out a handkerchief to dab the waterfall of blood pouring out of my nostrils, my hormones had already soared beyond human capacity, and there was no saving me.

I was so love-struck I didn't even have time to put a hand to my forehead and make a lady-like faint. Instead, my eyes rolled to the back of my head and I fell like a log, crashing onto the white plas—marble. So much for his litheness.

-FIVE DAYS LATER-

Somehow, I found myself lying somewhere rather comfortably. There, the scent returned to me, the scent of manliness and cleanliness, of elvish shampoo and fragrances, of the Gary-Stue of all Gary-Stues, of chaste and… homosexuality?

My eyes snapped open to reveal a small face overwhelmed in a mass of tangled beard. "Gimli? Did you get taller? Has Legolas been feeding you growth steroids? Don't tell me you guys are…"

"You're awake." I looked up, all to the peril of my existence. Tsunamis crashed into me, swirling around the ocean's depths. Thunderstorms roared, sending sparks of fires that enveloped the world. I melted into the center of the earth, under manifolds of heat and gravity. Every cell was broken down into atoms and crushed into oblivion. I was vaguely aware that I was dying, in case you couldn't figure it out from the hyperboles. Probably because my nose was hemorrhaging blood until I was practically drowning in it.

So that's the story of my untimely death. In retrospect, I really wonder what Frodo did with that wand.

"Gimli, did you do something to her?" Legolas questioned suspiciously.

"Hey, you were so worried about her it was affecting our together time," Gimli justified with a shrug. "So where were we?"

Z. End.

Yeah, Legolas never got married, although he always remained friends with Gimli, and they sailed away together to Evermore (Valinor, actually).

So I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. I've written way too much angst recently, so I wanted to loosen up a bit.

I did not mean to create any offense. I'm sorry if I repulsed anyone. If there's something you didn't get, you can always ask me and I'll clarify. xP