Songfic for Chapter 686 following Avril Lavigne's 'My Happy Ending'. I highly recommend to listen to the song while reading this and taking a look at the lyrics because they are really underlining the different feelings of the different characters thorughout the story.^^
The Heart (So much for my happy ending)
It had been ten years since he'd given the seemingly last blow to Juhabach, but nothing could have prepared him for the pain that had been released with the remnants of his enemy disintegrating into the worlds. The pain, that would keep lurking over his shadow for all eternity.
It had been years since they last met.
He opened the door, casually throwing a 'Yo' to greet his friends and let them inside. He faked a smile, because that was what everyone expected, because everyone was happy, because everyone was living in peace. Everyone except him, but that was okay. That's what he had tried to convince himself of for all those years. But to be honest he was far from okay. He had sacrificed so much, again, for the sake of others. He had lost his powers, again. It didn't happen in his final fight with Juhabach. It had been more of a side effect caused by him giving up himself in the aftermath of the battle. Reality had hit him too hard. He had given up objecting long ago. Instead he had tried living an ordinary life, went for the path of least resistance to keep everyone save, leaving just an empty shell. Sometimes it seemed as if he was stuck in a Gigai his soul had been affixed to. Sometimes he just felt dead.
Rukia and Renji entered the house. She made a mocking remark about the clinic being peaceful as usual. Although they hadn't met for so long it seemed as if it had only been a few moments. As if it had been yesterday. His mind wanted to forbid him from wasting a single thought on her, but for the first time in years his soul started to feel at ease just a little bit. It was her mere presence that made him breathe freely, that made him think about all the memories he had kept locked up inside his heart. All the good memories they had shared, as well as the memories of the things they had suffered from together after the fight. Without really realizing it he found himself bickering with her as they had always done. Only one thing was different this time. On the outside they were just arguing over insignificant matters, which would clearly lead them nowhere. But on the inside they had one of their meaningful conversations, that didn't need any words. Everyone else in the room simply disappeared from their view, leaving only their two souls wondering what had happened to them. He saw the very same question reflected in her eyes, which had been torturing him from the moment she had stepped through his door: 'Why?' Why had it ended like that?
And that was when he remembered.
Orihime knew it. She always had. Although she was the ever light-hearted, carefree type of a person, she wasn't a fool. She had very well been aware of the change in Ichigo following his battle with Juhabach. Although he had never been an overly cheerful person, she'd immediately sensed that he had lost something, something important. Not the fight, certainly not his powers, but a part of him had been missing. After returning to Karakura everyone had wondered why he'd never talked about anything that had happened. Hadn't he been the hero, who defeated the enemy in the end? Hadn't he saved three worlds from collapsing, from being destroyed? Why had he been so obviously unhappy?
A few weeks after the battle he had started to hang out with her frequently. She had been happy, of course. She had always loved him and was finally getting the attention she had wished for so long. Although she felt he enjoyed her company and was honestly comfortable around her, he had never shared a single word about the war with her. Even after they had started dating, that didn't change, ever. The day he'd said he loved her back was forever ingrained into her memory. It had been like a dream come true, her dream. However there had always been a tiny grain of salt left. A tiny little 'but' she had always been shoving to a corner of her mind. He did love her, in a way, she didn't doubt that. But she knew she would and could never hold that special place in his heart, which had been captured by someone else a long time ago. She was happy, that was the lie she'd always been telling herself. But now, with this someone being back, her lie started to crumble.
Rukia entered the house, casually throwing a cynical comment at him how nothing had changed, since the last time she had been here. His friends greeted her, as if she had never left, as if this was home. But it wasn't. She didn't belong here, never had. She was a Shinigami after all, a captain now. It was something she had never aimed for. Although it was an honor to succeed her taichou and although she was proud to be a part of the 13th division, she'd always ever wanted to find her place to be. The place she belonged to. His presence felt awkward but familiar at the same time and the whole atmosphere reminded her of her first stay in Karakura: 'Love, companionship and friendship, it's nothing but trouble.' It seemed she didn't change at all in the end. Although that was not quite right, she had to admit. She did change, but this change had just been rendered useless after the final battle, because there had been no point anymore. In the end she had reverted back. If she had a place she belonged to it was certainly not in this world. She had tried to avoid his gaze, to ignore his obvious fake smile. Did he really think he could deceive anyone with that? Did really none of his friends notice what was going on with him? It had been years, since they last met but she was still capable to read him well enough to see that he was far from happy. The moment they had started to argue nonsensically in their old manner she realized once again that no one else was able to understand both of them better, than they did.
Renji knew. He always had. He was often considered to be quite dumb, but he wasn't so dumb, that he hadn't been able to distinguish between the feelings she had for him and the feelings she did not have for him. The feelings she would never have for him. Their whole relationship had only been possible thanks to the actions of a single person. The person she was staring at right now. Sometimes he still wondered if he deserved to be with her. She had been adopted, became a vice captain and now she was even a captain. She had always played in a different league than him, from the first time they had met till now. They had shared so much during their days in Rukongai, but it had never been the same. He had lost her the moment he didn't have the guts to tell her how he felt when she had been taken in by the Kuchikis. He should have begged her to stay. Although their connection had been fixed in a way he knew he would never get the chance to restore it completely. Someday after the war she had said she loved him and for a moment he had felt true happiness for the first time. It was everything he had ever wanted, right? Appreciation, dedication, love – from her. But as soon as he had turned to face her he had seen it in her eyes – that her heart would never belong to him. He remembered this one expression. The expression that had slipped from her heart when he had told her that an orange-haired Shinigami was on his way to save her from being executed.
He had never seen so much live in her eyes after the war. She had changed. Reconsidering that, he had to correct himself. She had stopped being herself after the battle. He didn't know what had happened. He had escorted Ichigo through that gate to face Juhabach but in the end he didn't do anything. He only remembered that Ishida and Rukia had joined the scene eventually, witnessing the remnants of their enemy fading away. Something else has occurred then, he knew it. But she had never shared a single word about the war with him. The first time he had heard her cry alone in her room he had tried to comfort her, but she had refused. She had told him he was better off not knowing and so she had kept it to herself. Every time he sensed how she left without telling him, to be alone, cry alone, suffer alone, a part of his heart died along with her pain.
On the surface they were fighting, but in fact their argument's purpose was simply to catalyze the feelings they had been locking deep down in their hearts without completely falling apart. It was a way to get rid of them without anybody posing stupid questions, without their souls completely breaking. Although she was screaming at him with all her might she knew he'd see through her. She knew he'd see how she felt, because she saw he was feeling the same. He always had. And right in this moment she believed he'd always do, no matter what. She saw the very same question reflected in his eyes, which had been torturing her from the instant she had stepped through his door: 'Why?' Why had it ended like that?
And that was when she remembered.
They had been together for years now. Renji had always claimed he was overly happy with their relationship. It should have been a 'dream come true', his dream, but it wasn't. There were so many things she used to keep away from him. So many things she didn't want to bother him with and still she continued to fake her smiles in front of him. She did love him, in a way, he didn't doubt that.
But he knew he would and could never hold that special place in her heart, which had been captured by someone else a long time ago. With this someone being right in front of her now, everything seemed to crumble even further.
They had been married for a few years now. They had shared so many halcyon moments together, she was simply grateful for all these days spent. Sometimes it had just felt so perfect. Appreciation, dedication, love – from him. There were certainly a lot of things occupying him, but in her presence he'd always kept his smile. At first it had made her sad, seeing how he'd tried to pretend the ever perfect ending just for her sake. But when she realized he'd never want her comfort, that he'd never open up to her about what was deeply bothering him, she had decided to surrender. She had settled for the conclusion that this act was his way of attempting to let go, so she had trusted him there. He had told her she was better off not knowing and so he had kept all of that to himself.
It is said that we fear what we cannot see, but they had to experience in the most painful and dreadful way that you as well feared what you could see. They had witnessed what true fear was about, had suffered through what true pain was about, repeating itself over and over again. Facing each other they remembered. They remembered every single moment they had shared, every single argument they had fought, every single goodbye they had waved, every single reunion they had gained, every single rule they had broken, every single fight they had fought, every single moment they had protected each other and every single time their eyes had met.
But at the same time they remembered how they had lost. They remembered how they had lost all that, why they had to live their lives without sharing any more of these moments – forever.
In the end Orihime looked up to Ichigo for everything he had done. She didn't know exactly what he had done, but somehow she knew he had given up something important, something so important that he had lost a part of himself on the way. To make a sacrifice for someone else required a trait which was not owned by many -
In the end Renji could just admire Rukia for her strong will to go on. He didn't know exactly what had happened, but somehow he knew she had given up something important, something so important that she had lost a part of herself on the way. To make a sacrifice for someone else required a trait which was not owned by many -
- courage.
She had rushed to Ichigo's side right after he had dealt the final blow, watching Juhabach's form disintegrating into countless parts. Neither of them had been prepared for what would happen.
Didn't they win?
In fact, they had lost.
They had lost every single time.
She had seen Ichigo die a thousand times, a million times. She herself had died a thousand times. Juhabach had shown them in an instant what every single future would hold for them. He had kept his promise. He would kill them every single time. He would kill everyone at their happiest moment, just as he had promised, them, their friends, their families. Although it had just been a vision, a last threat made by him, the feelings had been real. Their future would be destroyed, every single time. They had suffered through every possible future. They had died in every possible future.
When Juhabach's dark remnants had finally disappeared both of them had been crushed, broken. They had been left empty, mentally and physically, almost dead. They knew they didn't have a choice. They didn't have the choice to try what could have been. They never got the chance to be happy, for the sake of everyone surviving.
He had seen Rukia die a thousand times, a million times. He saw all those horrible futures to a greater extent he would ever be able to bear, even after all these years. They did not only lose the fight, they had lost themselves in the aftermath. But what had really broken his heart in the long term was that they had to lose each other, for the sake of everyone surviving.
He sensed Juhabach's presence. He was drawing near. Deep down he just wished he would die now. He just wished he could die one last time. What was left for him? Family? Friends? Although he had always tried to convince himself that they were all able to live a peaceful and happy life in this future, he knew that wasn't true. There was no happiness here, never would. His heart skipped a beat, when he felt Juhabach's reiatsu had disappeared. A powerless smile formed on his lips. He had left. He had come to this future to crush it, but he had vanished because he had realized there was nothing left to crush. This future had been the last one remaining, would be, forever. He wouldn't die, not now. They wouldn't die, not now only eventually. He closed his eyes, thinking about everything that had once been him. So, did he win in the end? Had he been able to protect everyone?
He opened his eyes again, facing her one last time. She nodded reassuringly. She had come to the same conclusion. It was over. They just stared at each other, exchanging words that would never be voiced, could never be voiced anymore.
Was that the price he had to pay for this foolish wish, he'd once made?
He had wanted a blade to crush destiny.
A blade to protect.
But in the end, he had just wanted a blade to save his heart.