A/N: So…I was skimming through several parodies and awful stories and this idea would not leave me alone. Because every fanfiction writer must write a parody at some point. Right? Right. This story is not in any way intended to reflect any particular stories. I've even written some of the story types I make fun of here; and I'm not ashamed of that! *grin* However, if you are particularly defensive about certain "plot" ideas, you may want to skip this one…

Warnings: This is a parody. I do wish to make that clear. As such, the plotline is tenuous, the characterizations questionable, and the timeline non-existent. Also, the chapters are ridiculously short. (I was going to make this a one-shot, but decided on the short chapters for my own personal amusement…mwahaha!)

Not Another Drarry Fic!
Chapter 1: Because Everyone Knows but Harry
...

Harry Potter wrung his hands nervously. It didn't matter that he was a Gryffindor and over the years had proven that he was as courageous as any number of Gryffindors before him. It also didn't matter that he had always told Hermione and Ron everything and they always accepted it, even if it did take some time. If they were initially upset, they would always forgive him eventually.

Hermione and Ron sat across the table from Harry, and watched him as he displayed several nervous tics that the Savior of the Wizarding World simply did not possess. They knew that he was about to share something very important with them; and he seemed to be dragging it out instead of blurting everything out in one go as he was wont to do.

Finally, with a sigh, Harry stopped pacing and collapsed into his chair. "I'm gay," he said nervously.

Ron blinked and Hermione raised an eyebrow. "You don't say," she said, stone-faced.

The redhead chuckled. "Of course you're gay, mate. We already know that."

"What?" Harry sputtered. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Hermione shrugged. "I didn't think it was my place to tell you about your own sexual orientation."

Ron also shrugged. "What she said."

"But you always tell me what I'm feeling!"

Hermione sighed. "That's just it," she said. "You have the emotional ability of a teaspoon. I can't keep going around telling you when to be sad, when to be happy, and when to be attracted to some random bloke. I have far too many other things to do with my time."

Harry pouted, feeling as though this whole conversation was rather anticlimactic considering the months he'd spent agonizing over this tiny detail. Oh, but he knew how to get them. "I'm in love with Draco Malfoy!"

Hermione studied her nails and Ron rolled his eyes. "Obviously," the witch said.

"Right," Ron said nodding. "We knew that too."

Harry threw his hands into the air. "I don't get it!" he shouted in frustration. "Okay, Hermione, I can get you being supportive. But you should be hugging me and telling me it's going to be all right. And Ron," he said, turning to his best friend, "you should be throwing a fit. You're supposed to tell me what an idiot I am and that I can't possibly be in love with Malfoy and I'm supposed to break into hysterical tears!"

"Honestly, Harry," Hermione admonished as she waved a wand to pour them all some tea.

Ron raised a red eyebrow. "I have grown a bit in the past few years, you know. Give me some credit."

"Sorry," Harry mumbled, thoroughly embarrassed. Still, he felt cheated.

Hermione sighed. "I suppose you want our help in hooking up with Draco?"

"What!" Harry gasped, choking on his tea. "Why would I—I mean—I don't even know if he's gay!"

Ron's tea sprayed from his mouth as he too choked on his tea, for very different reasons. "Seriously?" he asked.

"Everyone knows Draco is gay," Hermione said calmly, looking in disgust at the cupboards dripping in spewed tea. "That's disgusting Ronald."

"Don't call me Ronald," the redhead said automatically. "And yeah, Harry, even I know Malfoy's gay. He practically screams 'I'm a ponce'."

"Really, Ron," Hermione said. "Don't say it like that. But yes, since that question is out of the way, do you want our help with Draco?"

"Just a second," Harry said frowning. "Why are you calling him Draco?"

"Don't question the plot-holes, Harry," Ron advised. "Just go with it."

Just then a knock sounded, and Harry wondered who would be visiting his best friends. Ron got up and answered the front door. "Speak of the devil!" he exclaimed.

"Weasley," an aristocratic voice greeted.

"Malfoy," he returned easily. He entered the kitchen with a blond following behind. "Look who decided to join us."

"Draco," Hermione greeted.

He nodded. "Hermione." He then noticed Harry sitting at the table. "Potter."

"Malfoy." He then turned to the redhead. "Ron?"

"Harry?" the redhead questioned.

"Ron," Hermione said, exasperated.

"Hermione?" Harry questioned. He raised an eyebrow. "Malfoy?"

"Draco," the witch corrected.

"Or Malfoy," the blond said with a shrug.

Harry turned to the blond with a frown. "Hermione?"

"Hermione."

"Dumbledore!" All four occupants turned to the portrait of the former headmaster in surprise. The portrait winked. "I want to play too!"

Hermione frowned. "I always forget he's in our kitchen."

"Why is he in our kitchen?" Ron asked.

She sighed. "So Harry can talk to him when we're not here."

"That's not the point!" Harry exclaimed. "What are you doing here Malfoy?"

The blond sniffed. "I work with Hermione and came to drop off some files."

"Excellent!" She leaped from her chair and grabbed the folders of parchment from the blond. "This is just what I need to finish my report!"

Ron and Harry groaned, fully expecting Hermione to spend the next thirty minutes describing her current assignment in detail. They were both surprised when she asked Draco to take a seat next to Harry and poured him a cup of tea.

"So Draco," she began. "What do you think of our dear Harry?"

Harry choked on his tea for the second time that morning. He glared at his female best friend even as his cheeks flared with embarrassment. Draco, as usual, remained extremely cool and took a sip from his tea. "How do you mean?"

"I mean, do you find him attractive?"

Harry set his tea down after choking again and gave it up as a lost cause. He didn't really like orange blossom anyway. "Is this really necessary?" he hissed. Hermione just winked.

"Well," Draco began as he, too, set his cup on the table. "I think he has brilliant eyes and hair that anyone would want to run their fingers through. He is very funny when he's not trying, and very kind-hearted. I suppose if I was forced into an answer I would say yes, I find him attractive."

Harry choked again, but this time could not blame it on the tea. "But you hate me!" he accused.

Draco shrugged. "Five minutes ago, perhaps. Five years ago? Definitely. But I suddenly see just how charming you are and I can honestly see myself with you for the rest of my life."

Harry blushed just as Ron held up a hand. "Wait a minute," he pleaded with a frown. "Just now? I am extremely confused."

Hermione rolled her eyes and nudged him with her elbow. "Plot hole," she whispered. They both looked around nervously before Ron nodded.

Harry didn't care. He had just found out that the man he loved desired him as well. "Would—would you like to go out sometime?" Harry asked.

Draco smiled. "You are just too cute. Of course I would. Let's get coffee in Diagon Alley."

Harry grinned. "It's a date!"

A/N: Oh really, Harry is just so endearingly clueless. Probably the least dramatic coming out experience ever, poor thing. I do hope you are enjoying this as much as I am. I've got most of the story written out, but if there's a Drarry element you'd like to see, I can probably find a way to work it in. Until next chapter!