Of Love and Loss
x
[A/N at the end]
i.
It was on their first day at Hogwarts when the first fissure in Severus' relationship with Lily surfaced.
Since they'd met, the main topic of conversation had always been Hogwarts. Of course, they'd talk about other things as well, but inevitably the conversation always steered in that direction. When Severus had received his letter on his eleventh birthday, the first person he had shown, even before his parents, was Lily. And when she had received hers, three weeks later, the countdown to their first day at Hogwarts had begun.
Their conversations became more serious as they bickered about who the best Head of House was, which subjects were going to be the most fun, and which houses they would be sorted into. Lily had always maintained that she would be happy to be sorted in any of the houses, but Severus kept his thoughts on which house she actually belonged to, to himself.
He had no doubt in his mind that they would be in the same house, they were too similar not to be. Besides, even if they were sorted into different houses, it wouldn't bother him that much – unless she was sorted into Gryffindor. He had heard how insufferable the people in Gryffindor were from his mother, and he loathed the thought of his only friend being sorted into that house. Despite never having actually met anyone from Gryffindor, he was positive that he'd hate the lot of them.
Which is why, on the evening of the first of September, when Lily bounded over to the Gryffindor's table to the cheers of her new house, Severus' stomach dropped.
He stared at her in despair as she joined Sirius Black (whom Severus had decided that he hated simply because he seemed to be Potter's new friend). Speaking of whom, Potter himself joined the deafeningly cheering crowd of Gryffindors. Severus noticed how loud the house cheered for him. If he hadn't hated Potter before, he certainly did now. They hadn't even really started at Hogwarts and already people were fawning over him - and worse still, he was arrogant enough to believe he deserved it.
So what if he has a famous dad? Severus thought bitterly while hoping that Potter would choke on roast potatoes.
When Severus' name had been called out, he sat on the rickety old stool and gripped onto the sides. He already knew which house he was going to be sorted into, putting the hat on was just a formality. He stared out at Lily's familiar pair of emerald eyes, which looked so alight with happiness despite the apprehensive frown forming on her face, and as the hat ruffled atop his head, his ears buzzed as the Sorting Hat yelled out Slytherin.
He should have felt excited at being sorted into Slytherin, but as he was ushered towards his house's table, Severus felt nothing but panic as he sat down. People clapped his back, and he recalled a boy with steel grey eyes and the whitest hair he had ever seen shake his hand, but he was too shocked to pay any attention.
None of this was supposed to happen.
She was supposed to be sorted into his house, Lily was supposed to be a Slytherin, like him. She wasn't supposed to be in Gryffindor; everyone in Gryffindor was unbearable prats with egos the size of Mars and the only thing they were talented at was starting fights they didn't know how to end. Lily was too good for Gryffindor, she was a textbook Slytherin. She had always been a Slytherin. She was smart, cunning, wise, clever, and quite frankly they belonged together – he had promised her that they would be.
Severus' ears perked up as someone next to him joked about giving the Gryffindor chaser a black eye and a terrifying thought occurred to him. I can't be friends with someone from Gryffindor, he thought. You didn't need to be in Gryffindor or Slytherin to know that there was a centuries old rivalry between the two houses. A rivalry that had created a tradition that could never be changed. Put quite simply, he couldn't even be friends with his best friend.
It was completely unfair and when a big burly boy reached for the plate of potatoes, he caught a glimpse of Potter and Black chatting animatedly to Lily. They wouldn't have to worry their stupid empty heads about whether they could be friends with Lily or not, because it didn't matter to anyone if they were friends. But if he was friends with her, there'd be a riot.
Severus picked at his food absentmindedly as a boy named Cassius tried to chat him up. The food in front of him looked delicious but he couldn't taste any of it. Everything tasted like peas as he put it into his mouth, and he let his mind wander into dangerous territory. All the while, he imagined that instead of stabbing his potatoes and veg, it was Potter and Black's heads.
In the hour that it took for everyone to eat and for Professor Dumbledore's address, he had made a list of all the terrible qualities that Potter had, the first of which was that he was a Gryffindor. Severus had also decided that the Sorting Hat had made a mistake when sorting Lily. Surely it had made mistakes before, and there had to have been some people who had been allowed to move houses.
He followed the procession of first-years as they headed to the Entrance Hall. The Prefect, whom he had learnt was the pale blonde haired boy named Lucius Malfoy, led them down a set of stairs. Severus followed but paused when he caught a flash of red in his peripheral vision. He rushed up the handful of steps to the landing of the Entrance Hall and watched as Lily smiled at a dark haired girl.
"Lily!" Severus barked. She didn't hear him as she laughed at something the girl next to her said. Severus was momentarily stunned at her smile; he had always loved it. "Lily!" He called out again.
Lily's emerald eyes (the greenest he had ever seen) flashed angrily at him as she whispered at her new friend and rushed down the flight of stairs, stopping two stairs above him.
"What are you doing?" Her cheeks were flushed and her braid had come a little loose from the excitement of the day.
"I just wanted to talk to you," he muttered as he took his hat off and stuffed it into his pocket. "I think that the Sorting Hat made a mistake."
Her eyes widened in shock as she placed her hands on her hips, her eyebrows furrowing as she replied to him, "I think I know what you're going to say, Sev, so just stop it."
"Can you just let me finish? I think it was wrong. You're not supposed to be in Gryffindor," he huffed out. He didn't know why he sounded so exhausted, but he supposed that the day had been full of excitement. Not least of all because they were finally at Hogwarts.
"You know that sounds really silly, right?" Severus shook his head and frowned at the condescending tone in her voice. He hated it when she did that. "Are you seriously angry at a hat?"
"I'm not angry at a hat! I just think that…well…it's old and it's probably sorted loads of people into the wrong houses. I mean you're not really a Gryffindor…" Severus said as-a-matter-of-factly. He had expected Lily's response to confirm his suspicions somehow, instead she took a step backwards, one stair up, and looked affronted.
He knew her temper was rising (judging by the way her cheeks and neck became pinker by the second) but for the life of him he just couldn't – or perhaps, wouldn't – bring himself to feel apologetic for what he'd said to her. He didn't take it back, he wouldn't, because he was right. He knew it. The issue was trying to get her to understand what he meant.
Lily opened her mouth to speak and Severus braced himself for what was coming – he always hated being told off by her, or anyone for that matter – but her tirade never came. Instead, two hurried sets of feet rushed past him, and an elbow dug into his ribs as someone ran past and stopped next to Lily.
Potter and Black had identical smirks on their faces as they stood next to Lily, their arms laden with leftover pastries and pudding from the feast. Despite looking quite similar, Severus noticed that they could never be mistaken as brothers. Potter had the unmistakable air of someone who had been pampered and worshipped all his life, whereas Black's eyes darted around him every few seconds, his shoulders drooping a little bit. Unlike Potter, Black seemed skittish and afraid of something.
"What are you doing here…" Black spoke, whipping his hair out of his eyes by shaking his head to the side. "Aren't you supposed to be in the dungeons with the rest of the snakes," he sneered as he looked at Potter with a grin. The two of them scoffed in amusement and pointed their identical glares at him. Severus was used to people like Potter and Black, but it didn't mean he liked being sneered at in front of his best friend.
"This isn't any of your business, just go away," Lily said as she stared at them with disdain.
Potter's eyebrows furrowed at her dismissal but he quickly shook it off and pasted a mocking smile on his face before speaking to her, "Come on, Evans, you're better than this. You shouldn't be friends with prats." He pointed at Severus.
Without really thinking about anything except for how much he despised Potter (completely disregarding the fact that he didn't know how to cast a single spell), Severus pulled his wand out of his robes and pointed it at him in a flash. The move had startled him and Severus let a sneer curl his mouth. He didn't need to know any spells to be able to injure Potter with his wand, he could just stick it in his eye.
"Put your wand away, Snivellus, you might actually hurt someone," Potter taunted him, his eyes flashing with cruel mirth. His hands twitched as he held onto his bounty of leftovers and Severus knew that he was begging for a fight.
There was a tense few moments where the two of them just glared at one another, each of them measuring the other up. He didn't know how much magic his opponent knew, but Severus was well versed in the art of aversion. He had spent his entire life running away from his father, he could run away from Potter if he needed.
Out of the corner of his eye, Severus saw Lily stare between them and she stepped down a step until she was between them.
"Severus, you should go," she pleaded softly. Lily pushed a stray piece of her hair behind her ears, and Severus didn't miss the way that Potter followed her actions as she did.
"But I haven't even had the chance to talk to you properly," he replied. He didn't need to look at Potter and Black to know that they probably had ugly smug sneers on their face. If they hadn't interrupted and just kept their noses out of his business, he would've been able to talk to Lily properly.
"We can talk tomorrow," Severus' eyes grew wide and he tried to stop the feeling of his stomach dropping, to no avail. Lily must've noticed the look of panic on his face because she smiled at him and patted his shoulder reassuringly. "I promise, Sev, we can have lunch together."
"You promise?"
"Yeah, I promise," she replied.
Severus nodded at her wordlessly and offered her a small smile before he turned around and made his way back to the lower staircase that would lead him to the dungeons. He was probably going to have a bit of trouble trying to find the common room, but he was sure that he could ask someone for help. Someone had to be patrolling the corridors at night.
It seemed that he and Lily would never be able to have an easy friendship.
Where Petunia had hovered predatorily around the edges and interrupted their days together; now it was Potter, Black, and tradition that kept them apart. Severus had hoped that going to Hogwarts would afford them the freedom to just be together without interruption, but if their first evening was anything to go by, it was hopeless to want for such things.
Despite it all, despite the realities that had dawned on him, Severus still hoped for such things because he believed – really, truly believed with all his heart – that Lily belonged to him, and him alone.
ii.
It was in the first week of their fifth-year, when a deep crack in their relationship appeared; during an uncharacteristic truce between Lily and Potter, when Severus noticed it for the first time.
Potter and his friends had walked into the Great Hall on a Saturday morning dressed head to toe in their Quidditch gear. It had rained the entire week and that morning had been no different. Potter in particular seemed to be drenched in water and mud, his face peppered with grass and broken down leaves.
Severus and Lily had spread their study cards for their Potions exam on Monday over the table. They had carefully alphabetised and colour coded each card, and had even charmed them so one side of the card showed the question, and only the person who was quizzing the other could see the answer.
Severus was quizzing her on the medicinal properties of dittany when Potter interrupted and sat down across from them, making a few of their cards flutter to the floor. He had made a few jokes about Lily's studiousness and ignored him entirely – an uncharacteristic change to his usual hexes.
Severus knew that the only reason he was being civil was because he fancied Lily – everyone knew that he fancied her. It was disgusting how many times he'd asked her out, usually in front of a crowd too. And yet, while Severus despised his public fawning over Lily, he envied Potter for being confident enough to do it. In the years since they had started at Hogwarts, Severus had come to the realisation that his feelings for Lily weren't entirely platonic. In fact, he was sure that he loved her at this point.
Potter and Lily chatted for a few minutes – albeit, it was mostly Potter who was talking as Lily tried to reorganise the scattered study cards – before he gave up and piled some food onto an empty plate in front of him. If Severus didn't already hate him, he might've actually been impressed at the sheer amount of food that Potter shovelled onto his plate.
Severus had kept his eyes trained on Lily the entire time, and when Potter's other teammates joined him, Severus noticed it. To any other person, Lily's actions would've seemed normal, perhaps even irrelevant – but to the person who knew her best, it was anything but that.
Her eyes, green as emeralds, peeked out across the table, and Severus noticed the corner of her mouth lift up slightly. She gazed at Potter for a few moments, and when he roared with obnoxious laughter, she bit her lip and pushed her hair behind her ear.
It wasn't her movements that made Severus' blood run cold, it was what it could possibly mean. Because as she looked at Potter, Severus recognised a look that he had grown incredibly attuned to, a look that he noticed on people's faces in the hallway, and a look that he saw in his own eyes when he looked in the mirror while thinking of her– longing.
It can't be! He thought, panicked.
It simply wasn't possible for Lily to feel anything other than animosity and annoyance at Potter – she had complained about him to Severus for hours upon hours and, as he skimmed through each of those conversations, she had never once given any sort of inclination to any positive feelings she had towards Potter.
Besides, how could she feel anything other than hatred towards him?
Potter was a foul, two-faced, contemptible person. He was the sort of person who preyed on people who were different from him, people like Severus. It was disgusting how everyone bowed down to him, inflating his already oversized ego and bent over backwards to get on his good side. All that anyone talked about what was Potter and his mangy gang was up to. It sickened him that a group of unambitious bullies could be lauded by the entire school – even McGonagall (the old hag) and Dumbledore (the senile decrepit) worshipped them.
And yet, Severus' own feelings were of no consequence to the look he'd seen on Lily's face. Because despite his violent hatred towards the black haired menace that was doing an impression of Slughorn across the table, he couldn't help but notice that she had never looked at him like that. Not even once.
And thus, Severus hated Potter in an altogether different way. Where before he hated him for how he treated him, now he hated Potter because clearly Lily felt something for him that she didn't towards Severus. He hated the fact that after the look she'd given Potter on that Saturday, those sorts of looks, and other terrible changes in behaviour, increased in occurrence.
As the days passed and their OWL's drew nearer, her complaints about Potter (and his group of miscreants) grew rarer and rarer until one day they simply ceased to exist. Of course, she'd still complain about him. But instead of scathing remarks, she made teasing comments about him.
The biggest blow, however, had been delivered three weeks into the start of their sixth-year.
Since the implosion of their friendship, Severus had lurked where Lily hung out and hoped to catch her alone. His opportunity had come when she'd forgotten her coat in the library and told her friends to go to dinner before her. Severus hadn't ignored the fact that Potter was part of her group, nor did he ignore the way he looked at Lily as she turned away and rushed back to the library.
He had practiced his speech a hundred times in his head. He was going to say he was sorry, he was going to beg for her to forgive him, and he was going to promise never to call her that ever again. But his plans had a tendency to go awry.
"You almost sound as though you fancy him," Severus sneered at her as she tried to walk past him without meeting his eyes. Their chat had gone well, until she'd mentioned the fact that her and Potter had been sending letters to one another throughout the holidays.
"It's none of your business if I do, Severus," she hissed as a trio of Hufflepuffs' in a table next to them looked their way.
Does that mean she does fancy him? Severus thought bitterly, a sour taste bubbling on his tongue.
"You can't fancy him, he's not good enough for you!" Severus' voice rose as his temper did too. A few people around them shushed him, but he ignored them. "I thought you hated him! You said you hated him and Black, and now you're following them around like a dog."
"I think I know who is and isn't good enough for me, Severus," she spat out. Oh, so now I'm 'Severus', he thought bitterly, what happened to being called 'Sev'. Severus hadn't realised that he had said his thoughts aloud until the fire in Lily's eyes died down as she took a step towards him and schooled her features into resignation. "People change Sev, you're not the person I thought you were, and neither are they."
Severus felt the wind get knocked out of him at her words and his knees shook from the impact, he had always thought love was the purest and happiest feeling in the world. He had never known that it could hurt so much too. He supposed that happiness came at a price - everything did. Even love.
"Can we be friends again?" It was such a childish question, but Severus hoped against hope that she would say yes. He'd give anything for her to say yes, but when a sad slow smile spread across her face, Severus knew that he wouldn't be getting what he wanted.
"I think you know the answer to that, Sev," she sighed, her shoulders sagging as she looked at him oddly. It wasn't the same look she'd given Potter hundreds of times, but there was something about it that sparked the dying embers of hope, for a romantic relationship with Lily, in Severus' heart.
He did know the answer to his question, he knew the answer before he'd even asked. They could never be friends again, not unless he abandoned his cause, and she broke away from Potter. And yet, even if they did, Severus knew that there were forces greater than them that would always keep them apart, he just didn't know what.
iii.
It was on a brutally cold January evening in seventh-year when Severus understood that he had never stood a chance.
He had spent the entire morning in his dormitory studying for his upcoming NEWT exams. not that it would matter, he already knew what he was going to be doing when he left Hogwarts. Hungry, and with a dull ache in his head, Severus draped an old coat over his shoulders and slipped into a pair of tattered navy slippers – he had received them as a Christmas present from the Evans' three years ago and, despite how they pinched his toes, he didn't want to get rid of something from Lily.
It had almost been two years since they'd broken their friendship off, and not a day went by that Severus didn't miss her. Since their conversation in the library last year, he had come to realise (perhaps too late) that he loved her, ardently so. Severus realised that, perhaps, all his protectiveness over her had been a manifestation of his intense love and fondness for her.
He had honestly thought that they would grow old together, that they would get married, have pure-blooded children, and become powerful in their world. And yet, he had never even had the courage to take the first step – he had never even asked her out.
When they saw each other in the hallways or in classes now, she treated him with a polite sincerity that she afforded every other stranger at Hogwarts. It angered him to no end, and kept him up at night.
Severus was halfway up the stairs to the Entrance Hall when he stopped at the sound of familiar laughter. He had heard the same laugh hundreds of times, and, although this time it sounded more breathless than the other times he had heard it, he knew without a shadow of doubt of whom it belonged to. Heart racing and the ache in his head forgotten, Severus sprinted up the rest of the stairs and skidded to a stop at the sight in front of him.
All the breath in his lungs was knocked out of him and his skin became ice cold as he swayed on the spot – watching wide-eyed as Lily kissed Potter earnestly. Kissed Potter in the same way he wished she'd kiss him. He didn't know how long they stayed entwined, but with each beat of his heart, Severus' hands shook more violently as his skin grew colder.
He had seen plenty of people kissing on the grounds of the school and in dark corridors, but nothing could compare to what he was seeing in front of him. Severus had never seen Lily so breathless, so unconcerned with her surroundings, or so passionate. Her arms were flung around Potter's neck, whose arms were, in turn, wrapped in a vice grip around Lily's waist.
They kissed frantically, like they were short on time and had been starved of one another's affection. Their bodies, so different on their own, meshed into one and Severus hated the way they fit together as perfectly as any two people could. Most of all though, they kissed the way that people who loved one another kissed – urgently, passionately, and with their hearts as well as their lips. They kissed like two people who were made for one another, and who were deeply in love.
When they finally did break apart, Severus was so lost in his despair that he hadn't noticed them paying attention to him until Lily touched his forehead and cheeks with the back of her hand – a hand which felt cool due to the solitaire diamond ring on her right ring ringer. Severus didn't need to ask who had given it to her; he was standing right behind her, eyes furrowed behind his glasses, and hair mussed from where Lily had run her hands through it.
She used to hate it when he mussed up his hair, and now she's doing it for him,Severus thought sourly.
Lily's mouth opened and shut a few times before Severus realised that she was trying to speak to him. The buzzing in his ears slowly subsided until he could make out what she was saying, "Are you alright?" She asked, politely and cautiously.
He could tell that she tried to keep herself from looking too concerned, but he'd already seen the way her eyebrows furrowed minutely. Irrational hope bubbled inside his chest and he tamped it down as quickly as it had appeared. Severus nodded in response and Lily gazed at him with a frown before stepping back to Potter's side instinctively.
"Well, if you're sure you're okay, we'll just go," she said tensely, her voice shaky as Potter's hand curled around her waist. Potter nodded at him once, a stoic look plastered onto his face as he manoeuvred Lily around him and steered them both into the Great Hall.
Severus watched them enter the giant doors and warmth seeped into him when Lily looked back over her shoulder. Her hair, like Potter's, was a little ruffled up and her cheeks were flushed, eyes bright. And yet, despite what he had seen them doing just a few moments ago, he couldn't help but feel victorious as Lily looked back and smiled at him tentatively.
Perhaps, despite everything that had happened between them, there was still a sliver of hope yet.
But as Potter leaned down and placed a soft kiss atop her forehead, whatever small ray of hope had appeared turned to ash.
And Severus, for all his intelligence and perceptiveness, finally realised that he had never stood a chance against Potter. Because Lily, with all her graces and virtues, was never supposed to be his at all. She had always belonged to Potter; they had belonged to one another since they'd first met, Severus had noticed it when Lily had first looked at Potter differently in fifth-year; he had known that they were supposed to be together and he had tried in vain to keep them apart.
For all his efforts at trying to keep them from one another, he had instead pushed them closer to one another. If he hadn't pulled out his wand on their first night, perhaps he would've avoided creating the first fissure in their solid relationship. If he hadn't brought Potter's infuriating antics up, or encouraged Lily's complaints about him, during their conversations, perhaps she could have grown to simply ignore Potter and they could have stayed in their pre-Hogwarts bubble.
If Mary hadn't snitched about Avery and Mulciber hexing her, Lily wouldn't have batted an eyelid about whom his friends were. If it wasn't for Black playing his prank, he wouldn't have been saved by Potter – whom he knew Lily admired after because he had 'saved' Severus from the Whomping Willow. If he hadn't called her a Mudblood, they could still be friends and perhaps she could've fallen in love with him.
But things had happened the way they had, or hadn't, and no matter how much he hated what had happened in the past to bring them to this point, he couldn't change a thing. He couldn't change the fact that he had called her a Mudblood, or the fact that the incident by the lake had been the catalyst for her and Potter becoming friends, which had in turn been the reason for them dating one another, and consequently falling head-over-heels in love with one another.
If he really looked at it, the only person he could blame for his misery was him alone.
He had done this all to himself.
And as Severus walked into the Great Hall, sat down at the Slytherin table, and watched as Potter and Lily kissed one another again, he hated nobody more than he did himself.
He couldn't run over, push them apart, and Avada Kedavra Potter away, because Lily loved him. No matter how much Severus hated and despised Potter, Lily loved him and he had hurt her enough.
He would have to make peace with the fact that Lily and Potter being together was now his reality, albeit a hellish one.
Severus decided resolutely as he piled food on his plate that he would stand in the shadows, waiting and hoping for the day when Lily and Potter would break apart, and when that day inevitably came he would seize his moment and tell her that he loved her and that she should be with him.
Because even though Lily deserved to be happy, Potter could never make her as happy as he could.
Lily belonged to him, and him alone. He would never stop until she was his, or until death parted them. And even then, perhaps in the next life, they would be together.
Perhaps then, she would truly be his.
Author's Note
Thanks to Alixx for the beta, I know this was a monster of a piece and I really appreciate your help! xoxo
Word Count: 5,046
Written for the Houses Competition
House: Ravenclaw
Category: Themed (Love)
Prompt: [Word] Hate
I hope you all enjoyed this story x
Please don't forget to leave a short (or long) review.
I love love love reading them!
Until next time, Andy x