It started small, a dull look here, a small frown there. Nothing too worrying. Then it got worse. A cold tone and sharp words. A bit alarming, considering they were talking about the Red Paladin. Nevertheless, nothing they couldn't brush aside. They had a universe to save; they couldn't stop to ask what was wrong. They knew what was wrong, anyways; Earth and the rest of the universe were in danger.
Some say it was arrogance, some say it was negligence, and the correct ones say it was a mistake caused by both.
It took days for any of them to actually notice something really was wrong. Some days and a reckless action. They yelled—they did it before, why wouldn't they again?—and he quietly took it. Sitting there with dull eyes, he listened and listened. The burning blue the team was so accustomed with was now a cold void, still blue but so empty it looked like a completely different color. He stood there, staring, waiting for them to finish throwing harsh words at him. When all the words they thought were needed echoed one last time in the silence he turned away and left.
They noticed then. The eyes, the voice, the movements. The reckless abandon of himself. They noticed the absence of the jokes and the puns and the pick-up lines and the laugh and the enthusiasm and the joy and the boy he once was. It worried them. It unnerved them. They needed to do something; Voltron was not the same without Lance.
Did they knew Lance was not the same with Voltron? Ignorance is a blessing to a guilty heart.
The first to try was, not surprisingly, Hunk. He was Lance's oldest friend in the group. He came with food as a peace offering. Started by apologizing for making fun of Lance with Pidge. Asked what was wrong. Remembered the old times, two boys promising the stars to one another. Hugged. Assured him everything would be alright.
"It won't because it's already not."
Then Pidge tried. Keith wanted to go next, but the others didn't want they to fight. In addition, after Hunk, Pidge was the one who had been friends with him the longest. She apologized for making fun of him with Hunk. Asked what was wrong. Remembered the old times, when they would sneak out of their rooms at the Garrison and watch the stars. Tried to play the videogame she bought some time ago.
"Your brother would love to play that, save it to play with him."
Next was Coran, he insisted. A little of fatherly love would surely do the trick. He greeted Lance with an exaggerated hand motion. Asked what was wrong. Remembered the calm times, the two spending hours speaking about their homes and family. Said to him everyone would always be there to listen if he needed.
"None of you did before, why start now?"
Shiro thought he was prepared when he walked up to Lance and started talking. He truly did. Asked what was wrong. Remembered the good times, the team forming Voltron for the first time and feeling the strong bond they had. Offered his shoulder to be cried on.
"A team of six it's better than a team of six plus one."
Keith was finally allowed to try. He glared directly at Lance. Asked what was wrong. Remembered the hard times, the ones they won together as the good team they made. Ordered him to stop trying to run and face the team.
"You're the leader of Voltron. Not mine."
Allura was the last one to try. She found him silently watching the stars far away from the group. She looked into his eyes. Dark and familiar, deep as the sea. She knew his eyes as pools of warmth and mischief, not as an ocean of emptiness. They had bags under them. Since when did Lance, the beauty guru, had bags under his gorgeous eyes? Were they there for long? Hadn't he been sleeping?
"Lance, what is wrong?"
Silence. Allura takes a few trying steps, the fear gnawing at her heart. Fear of his harsh stare, fear of the man stating there. He wasn't her Lance. Her Lance would've never glared at her that way, never would've pushed her away so rudely, never would've closed himself for her. Her Lance was a man with a warm heart and warmer smile, a man trying his best to help. Her Lance was kind, her Lance was gentle, her Lance was funny, her Lance was happy.
That man was not her Lance.
And she didn't like it.
"Is this about that day you died? Is it because I never told anyone and made it look like it wasn't important?" She asked anguished. "If it is, then I am so, so sorry. I did not intend to make you feel unimportant, even if I had a lot in my mind, it was wrong of me to never address the issue."
Silence. Allura wanted to ask why he hadn't told any of them about it, but maybe it was so traumatizing he couldn't even speak about it. He did die that day. For more than a few seconds. And she was very lucky to be able to get to him as quick as she did, otherwise Lance would be no more. The princess still had nightmares, they always ended with her being too late, holding the boy's corpse in her arms, salty tears falling in his face.
The altean was starting to realize that maybe she really was too late.
A palpable nightmare.
"Do you remember that joke…? That one about cows you told me when milking Kaltenecker and I rolled my eyes…? It was actually funny, you know. I giggled when I left. I know that is your way to lift my spirits up, so thank you, Lance. You are… You are someone very valuable to me."
"Lies."
"It's not—!"
"Lies!" His voice raised enough to bring the attention of the group to them. "When you find someone oh so valuable, princess—"Allura gasped, she had never heard the title be spit out with so much disdain, not even by Zarkon himself—"you show it somehow! It doesn't need to be pretty words or grand gestures!"
The rest of Voltron were in a dilemma. Jump in and defend the princess, or let Lance finally show some kind of emotion after months of painful apathy. They weren't given a lot of time to decide though, the Cuban was in a rampant, words coming out so fast and so full of emotion, their brains failed on thinking about anything.
"I just needed a fucking "good job, Lance" or "nice one, Lance"! A "you wanna talk" or "we're here, Lance"! You hadn't to drop everything and come to my rescue! You hadn't to do anything more than make me remember I am a fucking part of the team! It wouldn't be the ideal, I am aware of it, but it would be enough for me to keep myself together! It would be enough for me to feel like this is a fucking family and that I can call it mine! But I guess I was fucking wrong!"
That man, that Lance was scaring them. Their Lance never swore around them and never yelled, even if he had all the right to scream at them in some situations. Their Lance was the first one to try talking things out, together with Hunk, always filled with empathy. Their Lance would never put such hurt look on any of their faces voluntarily, specially on Allura's. Their Lance was always the one to take the hurt away. Not give.
"Then why didn't you tell us?!" Keith was starting to feel rage again, his usual response to fear.
"I fucking did! That's the thing, I did tell you! You're the ones who didn't listen; no one listens to the stupid little Cuban boy!" Lance spat, bad taste in his mouth. "Why would them? Why would they listen to the useless idiot?"
"Don't say that!"
"It's the fucking truth, Allura, face it!"
"You are not useless or stupid! Lance, you…" Shiro sounded so broken. Hunk and Pidge were crying too much to say anything, wishing their blurry eyes were a result of a bad dream and not a real nightmare. Guilty devouring their hearts.
Why had them been so blind? So blind to his pain, so blind to his sadness, so blind to his struggles. How could they make the boy who kept their hopes up feel so down? When had they turned into such despicable creatures? In what part of the way they decided Lance, their ray of sunshine Lance, was not worthy of them? When had they put that abyss he wasn't able to jump alone between Lance and their family?
"No, I am not. Not anymore." With eyes full of wrath, Lance glared at the people he once tried to call family from the other side of the ever so growing abyss. "That boy is no more, so stop trying to bring him back." He turned his back to them, leaving that family to grieve together, leaving to the ground his old job of wiping their tears out of existence. "He's dead. And you killed him."