Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin. This is a Christmas giftfic for Ravenclaw667. I hope you all enjoy it though.

He ran past the couturiers and through the corridors. If he made it far enough away, maybe he could pretend he hadn't heard his name shouted through the castle. All he wanted was some food. An early morning mucking the stables had ruined his appetite, but now the sun told him lunch was long since over. Since when had he begun a diet of starvation? Oh yeah, when he started this job two years ago.

"MERLIN!"

Merlin shouldered his jacket and rushed down the steps, trying not to trip. Yet in his haste he committed a much greater error.

"Ah!" Gwen nearly fell over backwards and the bundles in her arms tumbled down the steps.

Merlin stopped instantly. "Oh, sorry!" he gasped, panting slightly from the run and bending down to help Gwen retrieve her items. As much as he wanted a snack before getting back to work for Arthur, he couldn't just leave her there like that.

Gwen began piling thing in her arms once more. "That's alright." Pausing, she asked suspiciously, "Is everything okay? You seem to be in a hurry."

"Well, since you mention it," Merlin tried to explain, but he was interrupted by the cry of–

"Merlin!"

"There you have it," Merlin tipped his head, and Gwen smiled sympathetically.

Arthur descended the steps, darting a quick glance at Gwen. "Ah, there you are," Arthur spoke even-toned as though he hadn't been waking the dead moments earlier. "I need you to polish my armor and clean up my chambers."

"Right now?" Merlin looked up quizzically.

"Yes," Arthur surveyed the courtyard, averting his eyes from both of them. Merlin's hesitation broke Arthur's patience. "Right now."

With a shrug, Merlin handed the last bag to Gwen and led the way back to Arthur's chambers, Arthur kicking Merlin's heels in his haste. So much for getting something to eat.

"Is there something wrong, Arthur?" Merlin asked as they entered the disorderly room. He stopped at the foot of the mess. "Oh, I see your point."

Arthur rounded the table and took a seat at the head of it. Of all the surfaces in the room, this one looked the least cluttered. Only a woman's threaded shawl and a fresh red rose lay on the varnished tabletop.

"Um, is that a flower?" Merlin pointed, stepping closer.

Sardonically, Arthur retorted, "Yes, Merlin. That is a flower." Sighing defeatedly, he divulged. "Actually, I didn't call you to clean my armor and room," looking around he added, "although they could use it."

"Okay," Merlin conceded. "So what's going on?"

Arthur ran a hand through his hair, placing his elbow on the table as he leaned forward. "These are Christmas gifts for someone." He looked at Merlin pointedly.

Hesitantly, Merlin cautioned a guess, "Gwen?"

Arthur gave a confirming nod. "But as you know, I can't be seen giving gifts to a servant girl, even a beautiful one." Tapping the shawl with a finger, Arthur tilted his head and gave that infamous smile that Merlin had come to dread. The next words didn't have to be spoken since they both knew where this was going. Arthur said it anyway. "This is where you come in."

Merlin provided the rest of the thought. "I'm going to deliver these things to Gwen."

"Right!" Arthur stood, the minimal tension escaping him as he motioned to scoop up the items. "So good of you to offer."

Merlin began a half-stuttered protest, but the silky shawl and delicate rose ended up in his hands anyway. As Merlin turned to go, Arthur instructed, "Make sure no one sees you giving them to her."

"Yes, sire."

"And Merlin," Arthur stopped him again after a few steps. "Be extremely careful with the rose. It's a…" he looked wistfully to his left. "It's the legendary everlasting rose, and there is only one. So," he thought up a good resolution: "You crush it; I put you to work in the stables for a month. Got it?"

"Fair enough." Merlin started to leave again when the queerest thought struck him. "Wait." He turned back slowly. "If this is the everlasting rose, and you didn't ask me to get it for you, then you got it yourself, because anyone else would ask too many questions." He blinked at Arthur. "You got the rose. By yourself?"

Arthur frowned in defense. "Well, I can do things for myself, you know."

"Like picking up your chambers?" Merlin returned with a cheeky grin.

Arthur chucked a pillow after him.

Merlin chided, "Careful, your highness. You don't want to harm your precious flower."

Arthur grumbled in defeat. One hand on the door, Merlin asked hopefully, "Since this is all you wanted, I suppose you won't need your armor polished?"

"Oh, no," Arthur said. "I wasn't joking at all when I said you need to do that."

"Of course not." Merlin left.

Merlin tried to tuck the bundle under his arms and out of sight, but soon he realized it made him look suspicious. Of course then Morgana had to appear.

If only he had kept his head together. If only she hadn't assumed…

"Hello, Merlin," she greeted him in passing, but, seeing the rose practically glowing red in his hand and the shawl spilling over his arm, she slowed and stopped him. "What's that?"

Merlin was stupid enough to risk telling the truth. "It's a secret."

"A secret?" Morgana asked coyly. "Let me guess. It's a secret admirer's gift."

Surprised by her perception, Merlin tipped his head. "Yeah, how'd you guess?"

"I've gotten so many of these this season it's almost exhausting. But these ones are at least beautiful." She looked thoughtful. "You can give them to me now. There's no use in hiding it…Although, if you would tell me whom these are from, I'd be grateful to know."

"I…Wha– I," Merlin stammered, realizing she thought the gifts were for her.

She smiled apologetically. "Of course I wouldn't want you to get in trouble. So just send my regards back to whoever thought to offer such beauties." Her eyes glistened as she gazed at the shawl and rose.

Great. He couldn't tell her the truth without insulting her. Now what?

She donned a look of waiting as he stood there numbly. "Merlin?"

"Huh?" He started. Then, perceiving her expression, he felt he had no other option but to hand over the gifts in his possession.

"Thank you," she gratefully accepted his help wrapping the shawl around her shoulders. Before leaving, she plucked the rose from his grasp and bowed her head toward its fragrance. "Hm, so beautiful. I wonder who…" she trailed off perhaps mentally profiling everyone in the castle. Coming to the present once more she nodded at Merlin and continued through the corridor, heading outside.

Merlin watched her go. His mind turned cartwheels trying to figure out what to do now. He had given Morgana the secret-lovers presents. Now he had to get them back both without offending her and without Arthur finding out. Oh no! Merlin mentally slapped himself. He was in a worse mess than he thought. The Christmas feast had been moved to tonight, and no doubt Morgana would wish to wear her new accoutrement to see if she could catch a spark of recognition on someone's face. No, even worse. Arthur and Morgana had a meeting with Uther in preparation for the feast. At the very best, Merlin had an hour to reclaim Arthur's manifestations of love before he learned of Merlin's mistake.

Suddenly Merlin felt his whole day disappear, consumed by the problem.

Well, first things first: keep an eye on Morgana.

Merlin jogged down the halls, shadowing her path although he couldn't see her. As he came around a corner, an old, familiar voice echoed in his ears. "Merlin."

Stopped by the voice, Merlin turned to see Gaius trailing after him with a slight tottering sway to his steps.

"Gaius," Merlin acknowledged, his eyes flicking to the end of the next corridor. Just two more flights of stairs to get outside. The castle certainly provided enough exercise when walking around, let along running. He bounced on his feet, "I'm kind of busy right now."

"You were busy yesterday," Gaius reprimanded, coming to a stop in front of him. "I need you to help me with the deliveries to the lower town. I was due down there yesterday–"

"But the ice is too slick for you, and me being me I'll be fine," Merlin nodded in a manner that indicated he had heard this before. "I know, I know. I just…" He looked down the hall.

"Is something wrong, Merlin? You seem a bit agitated." Gaius peered into his face with a touch of concern.

"I'm fine Gaius, I just have to go." Merlin slipped around his guardian and jogged to the end of the hall.

"Merlin!"

"I'm sorry, Gaius!" Merlin turned as he ran. "I have to– I just– I'll do the deliveries later, alright?" He left Gaius behind and raced for the courtyard.

Only, when he got there, Morgana was not.

For the next half hour, Merlin searched the castle grounds. His biggest fear at this point was Gwen seeing Morgana before he retrieved the shawl and rose. How would he fix things then?

Finally luck struck him clearly. Merlin spotted her strolling through the market, the shawl draped over her shoulders and arms in a silk sheen. Finally! But now what?

That's when he got one of his infamous stupid-but-successful ideas. Was an idea really stupid if it worked?

Staying out of sight in the crowd, Merlin watched her steps, measuring them carefully in slow motion. Left, right, left, right. One foot after another, then…

Suddenly, a golden light filled Merlin's irises, and at the same moment–

"AH!" Morgana's scream echoed through the area. She slipped on a "conveniently" placed patch of ice and consequently crashed to the ground in a slushy puddle. No one had been quick enough to catch her so her entire front was soaked.

Merlin clenched his fist in triumph and grinned back the guilt of getting the king's ward so cold and sopping. Now she would have to leave the shawl behind for the council and feast. All Merlin had to do now was find Gwen, distract her from helping Morgana change, sneak into Mogana's chambers, and then–

Merlin froze.

The village people helped Morgana up and wrapped her in a rough blanket for the walk back to the castle. The shawl appeared fine – still wrapped around her though mud coated its beauty. But the rose…

A few loose petals flew over the snow. The evergreen stem stripped clean of its thorns now lay without the delicate rosebud on its tip. All that remained was a trampled incarnadine mess. The flower – the flower Arthur had actually made an effort to get – was now irreparably crushed.

And it was all Merlin's fault.

What was it Arthur said would happen if he crushed the rose…?

Gwen marched up the stairs to Morgana's chambers. The morning had gone smoothly with the only strange occurrence being Morgana's sudden beckoning. The servant that had come to fetch Gwen explained that Morgana needed to be in the throne room for a meeting, but due to an unfortunate accident she had fallen and needed a fresh set of clothes.

Gwen sighed. Her lifestyle dictated that she remain available for such trivial chores no matter what other work needed done. Such was the life of a serving girl, but she didn't mind.

A figure suddenly stepped in her path, barring her from walking. "Gwen," it said.

Gwen gasped sharply in surprise. "Merlin!" She brought a hand to her heart and sighed in relief. "What are you doing lurking in the shadows?"

"Lurking?" Merlin avoided her eyes. "I wasn't lurking."

She recognized that tone by now. Folding her arms in an impassive, motherly gesture, she softly demanded, "What is it?"

"What is what?" Merlin returned.

"What's on your mind? Something is going on in that head of yours. I can see it."

Merlin shifted. "Really? I didn't know you could see people's thoughts."

"Only when it's stamped clearly on their faces."

He folded his arms, constantly fidgeting and readjusting his position.

"Is it Arthur again?" Gwen asked.

Merlin nodded and spilled the explanation. "I may or may not have done something that needs fixing right away, but I have to do it without him knowing so I have to have at least a couple hours absence without him finding out. I wondered if you could cover for me."

"Why not have Gaius fill in for you. It makes more sense."

Merlin smiled sheepishly. "I would, but Gaius has proven to be the wrong person to ask for that type of help. Every time I need to go out, he tells Arthur I'm at the pub. I don't even drink!"

Gwen giggled, but the sound cut off when a mini procession glided toward them. Morgana, dry and dressed differently than before, walked with two nameless servants as an escort. She stopped next to Gwen who looked down shamefully. "Where you are and what you do with your free time is not my concern, but when I call, you come, understood?" Morgana reprimanded.

"Yes, ma'am."

The group continued and Gwen turned back to Merlin. Merlin looked at her. "I'm sorry. I got you in trouble. I didn't mean to–"

"Don't worry about it," she hushed him. "You needed help and asked for it. That's all. This isn't your fault."

"I really am sorry."

"I know." She forced a brightened cheer into her countenance. "Now go. Hurry and do whatever it is that needs doing, and I'll make sure Arthur doesn't find out."

Merlin gave his thanks and rushed out of sight.

With a little sigh, Guinevere turned to go back to the chores she had yet to tackle since Morgana evidently didn't need her assistance anymore.

… … … …

Merlin waited till Gwen had disappeared before entering Morgana's room. With Gaius's information on the real everlasting rose's whereabouts – of course Arthur had to go after the faux one – and enough magical skill to change the color of the shawl, Merlin could make his plan work.

Inside the room, Merlin located the wet clothing in a little hamper in the corner. Upon finding the shawl, Merlin studied the pattern and closed his eyes with one hand held over the fabric. Muttering words unintelligible by humans, the shawl instantly dried, cleaned, and copied itself.

Merlin loved magic.

With the two identical shawls lying on the floor, he altered the style and color of both of them, leaving Morgana with the uglier of the two. If Morgana asked questions, he could say it lost its color after being washed.

That done, Merlin snatched up Gwen's shawl, buried the other one under wet folds of cloth in the hamper, and hurried away. He had yet to find the rose. The real rose.

"Why am I doing this?"

Merlin groaned aloud to himself for the fiftieth time.

"I don't even care about the stupid thing."

Twigs stuck through his pants and leaves clung to his jacket. With his shoes wet and his hair frosted with the falling snowflakes Merlin truly wondered why he ever did anything for Arthur.

He had long since passed the place Arthur had found the ersatz rose. There a replica bloomed in all façade's glory. Gaius had informed Merlin that while many people have claimed to have the true everlasting rose, there were many nooks where false ones grew to protect the real one. Instead of just picking the replica and delivering it to Gwen, Merlin decided that since Arthur had gone to the trouble in the first place, Gwen deserved the real thing.

Only now Merlin wasn't so sure.

Guinevere deserved something beautiful, certainly, but why did something so wonderful always take so much effort?

"Just follow the trail," Merlin muttered Gaius's instructions to himself. "Follow the trail." He looked at the snow covering his feet. With the blizzard of snowflakes surrounding him he barely saw two feet ahead of him. "What trail?!" he shouted.

"You seek the dead among the living," a voice bounced through his mind.

Merlin stopped. "I what?"

"In winter's grasp, the cold wind blows…"

No kidding, Merlin thought. "Who's there?" He asked aloud.

"The trees lose life and the meadows sleep."

"Can you at least tell me if you're trying to help me or not?"

"The living cannot dwell among the dead."

"Are you saying I have to be dead to get to the rose?" Merlin whispered with a shiver.

"No."

"Okay," Merlin glanced all around. He wanted to see the speaker, but the voice only whispered inside his mind. That suggested a dryad or at least a fellow magic-user. "So can you tell me about the everlasting rose? I'm trying to find it before the day is out. It's kind of important."

"It is not for me to give."

Trying not to sound too hopeful or nervous, Merlin asked, "Can you take me to who can give it then?"

"Some things in life you are just not meant to have."

Merlin glanced at the ground. A hundred different thoughts rushed his mind when hearing those words. Freedom, magic, friends, father, love…

"But this isn't for me. I want this flower for someone else."

"You cannot take it…But do you wish to see it?"

Merlin didn't even have to contemplate. "Yes."

"The everlasting rose is a mirror image of our own unattainable desires. It is not a rose; it is a wish."

Suddenly the phantom voice disappeared from his mind. The snow tumbling to the ground slowed inhumanly and time stopped for a moment as a memory flooded Merlin's being. All he could see, all he could hear…was her. Freya.

Stinging tears came to his eyes then; he didn't even feel them slide down his cold cheeks. He breathed her name and she gave him that shy little smile he loved so much. His arm reached out to touch her; he had to feel that she was real, but the movement shattered the mirage and snowy white clouded his vision again.

"A rose is a beauty; this 'rose' represents the treasure in our lives that keeps us from feeling complete."

Merlin blinked away the last of his tears. "Something we miss."

"Or something we never had," the voice agreed sadly.

"I understand. But, what did you mean about 'the living cannot dwell among the dead'?"

"You wish to be with someone you love, but she is no longer alive, correct?"

Merlin stepped back a bit apprehensively. "Yes, but how did you know that?"

"I am the guardian of the rose. I open the gates to those who wish to see it, but that is all I can do."

"And you are able to see what people want?"

"Yes."

Merlin sighed, rubbing his fingers through his hair. "Why can't anything ever just be what I think it is? If I think it's a flower it's a flower; not, if I think it's a flower it's a…a memory or something else equally painful."

"It is preparation for your future to know that not everything is as it seems."

"Everywhere I turn I'm getting lessons for my future. I'm tired of having this destiny deal thrown in my face." Merlin released a puffed-cheek sigh.

"And it is to your credit that I show you your weakness."

Merlin stiffened. "…Weakness? Are you saying Freya is my weakness?" His voice came out tight with restrained bitterness and anger.

"A person does not choose what plagues them."

"You have it all wrong." Merlin lashed his eyes about the clearing, searching for the speaker. "Freya gives me strength. When I'm feeling down like I can't go on pretending to be who I'm not, I just have to think of her and I know that there is hope for me. She accepted me and my magic as it was, and she loved me for it, and I love her!" Merlin's voice rose to a shout as he fought back the memories of his last moments with her. If he thought about that now his tears and sorrow would triumph.

"Love cannot bring her to life."

"She lives in my memory."

"You cannot dwell in the past lest you lose sight of what's ahead."

Merlin shook his head in frustrated defeat. "'The living cannot dwell among the dead.' Fine, I see your point."

"Then depart. There is nothing more for you here."

"Who are you? I mean, really?"

"…the voice of things lost or never attained."

"Just a voice?" Merlin asked skeptically.

"A longing." The voice reiterated.

Merlin turned in the snowy forest to leave, but stopped. "Would it offend you if I took the duplicate rose I saw earlier? I still have to take something back with me."

"Do what you must."

"You know," Merlin explained. "You said that the rose is something in our lives that keeps us from feeling complete. I disagree. Even though I miss Freya, the memory of her doesn't make me feel like my life is wasted without her. Instead, I know that my life is complete because of the time I had with her."

"As you say it, Master Emrys…"

Merlin reached for the doorknob, about to leave Gwen's cottage when she walked in.

"Merlin!" she exclaimed. "What a surprise. We seem to be running into each other a lot today."

Merlin nodded. "You could say that."

"But I do wonder why you're in my house…"

"Uh, about that," Merlin held up a finger and opened his mouth to speak. "I…" he released a breath. "Well, you're going to find out anyway," he said lightly. Turning, he picked up two items from the table. Giving Guinevere a polite bow, Merlin presented the slightly modified shawl and a faux everlasting rose. "I present to you gifts from a secret admirer."

She didn't have to guess: "Arthur." Gwen looked pleased as she took the items from him and examined each one with absorbed pleasure. "This shawl…it's beautiful!" She clutched the de-thorned stem of the rose to her and smelled its perfume. "And this rose…where on earth would you find a flower blooming in this weather?" She stopped and seemed to really look at Merlin for the first time. "You look terrible."

"Thank you," Merlin joked lightly. "It's the latest style for all Arthur's servants."

"I didn't mean it badly," Gwen protested. "I merely meant…Arthur had you get these for me, didn't he?"

"No, believe it or not, he got these himself. I'm just the deliverer."

"Really?" It would have been more to Arthur's credit if she hadn't sounded so surprised.

Merlin laughed at her expression. "He wanted it to be special."

"Well," Gwen moved to get a pitcher of water for the flower. "Thank you, Merlin, for getting them to me."

"Sure thing."

"And I hope you feel better. I don't mean to be rude, but you do look quite miserable."

Merlin motioned to leave. He offered a soft, "Thanks, Gwen," before he exited.

The feast was a grand affair. Nobles from surrounding kingdoms came to celebrate and eat till they burst. Decorations hung in the hallways, and the guests all arrived in vibrant colors of purple, orange, green, and red. The babble of chatter reached the ceiling to fill the throne room with a cacophony of noise, and the happy smiles, caused either by genuine happiness or drunkenness, set the mood of the room. The event lit up the entire castle.

And Merlin was late.

Arthur caught his attention from across the crowded room and motioned Merlin over with a jerk of his head. Merlin threaded through the party guests all around. He made it halfway to the head of the table when he spotted Gaius. Making a quick detour, Merlin slipped between two chatting men and told Gaius, "I've done the deliveries. You don't have to worry about them."

"Why thank you, Merlin." Gaius said, but then analyzed Merlin's stance. "Is everything alright? You didn't have any trouble getting the rose?"

"No," Merlin looked toward one of the large windows. "No trouble at all."

"Well," Gaius looked doubtful. "You'd better get on to Arthur. He's been looking for you for the past few hours."

"Right."

When Merlin reached earshot, Arthur demanded, "Where have you been all day?"

"I was, uh–"

"Guinevere said you were helping Gaius, but all Gaius said was that you must be working somewhere else because he didn't know where you were."

Merlin shrugged. It was sort of true.

"You've been in the pub again, haven't you?"

Merlin shook his head in denial. "No, I–"

Arthur was beyond listening to him though. "Don't try to deny it. I can tell; you look awful."

With a roll of his eyes, Merlin sighed in defeat. "One day you'll know what I do for you."

"Speaking of what you do for me…Did you deliver the 'merchandise'?" Arthur whispered covertly, an eye on his father. Merlin nodded unnecessarily since at that moment Morgana entered in a fashionably late style with Guinevere, the delicate shawl wrapped about her shoulders, following. Tender looks passed through the space between their hearts, and Arthur relaxed in his seat.

"The shawl looks a bit different then I remember," Arthur contemplated aloud.

"What?" King Uther looked over at him.

Arthur shook his head. "Nothing."

"Hm." Uther turned to greet Morgana as she sat down on his left.

"It's just the lighting, my lord," Merlin offered.

"Must be…" Arthur gazed unreservedly at Gwen, and she gave him a heart-breaker smile before attending to Morgana.

Merlin smiled satisfactorily and motioned to go. He really needed a nap, and maybe a week off. And some food. In all the trouble he had gone through for Arthur today, he never once forgot his hunger.

"Merlin," Arthur stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?"

Merlin paused, daring to tell the truth, "To get some rest."

"What do you mean, rest?" Arthur scoffed. "All you did was take the things to her and slack off in the pub," he glanced at his father before whispering back at Merlin, "If I have to stay for the entire ceremony, you do too. Now get me some wine, will you?"

Merlin sighed, forcing a smile. "Yes, sire."

Whew! Done! I hope you all liked it. Perhaps I'll do more Merlin fanfictions in the future. This one was kind of hard for me, but I still had a lot of fun.

-Dante