The Dark Plumber Returns
Almost to Bowser's keep when my heart starts beating like the wings of a flying Koopa. "Just take the mushroom," that's what Dr. Koopinstien said. I empty my front pocket, there's a purple, green, and red. I throw away the purple, I can't believe I even brought it, and take the red. Something tells me that I'll need the green later. "Your heart doesn't matter," I tell myself, "You don't matter, only the princess matters." So I keep running, my legs feel like I fell into a lava pit or bloopers are gnawing through my coveralls. I ponder this for a few seconds until I realize I've run into water and I am indeed being attacked by Bloopers. If they had a few more minutes they could de-starch the denim. Unfortunately for them I'm packing heat. Few people know that the flame from the Fire Flower is hot enough to not evaporate in water and have enough strength to destroy whatever it touches. The Bloopers scream as best as a squid can as I annihilate them. I emerge from the water weary, but unscathed. A wall looms in front of me and a parallel wall above me. Floating in midair, mocking gravity and me. "Here we go!" I shout with disdain. I kick off the first wall, then onto the second then onto the... I trip on the top of the wall and fall. I hit the green smiling earth face first. The Goombas around me break into manic laughter. I pull out my fire flower and fire. It impotently limps and withers away. The Goombas laugh more and charge. I there's anything I hate more than Goombas, it's laughing Goombas. At 53 I'm not sure why I keep doing this. At 52 I'm not sure if the Princess is pretty enough to get kisses from anymore. At some ungodly age I'm not sure if Bowser even has another fight in him. At whatever age these whippersnapper mushroom men are I'm not sure if they remember the Magic Flute.
Running away, it's not the most heroic thing. Better than being a corpse. Besides I think I might need my Green Mushroom later. I play three notes on the flute and then a tornado takes me away. Just to let you know, that sucks. Imagine a merry go round and imagine it completes 5 revolutions a second. My brain felt like it was between two Whompas, my legs buckled together, and my heart was beating like the Yoshi egg I had for breakfast. Still it beats being a corpse.
The tornado stops spinning and I find myself surrounded by even more Goombas. I forgot that things just get harder the further you get. "Okey Dokey!" I charge and jump. It's not hard to figure out where to land. These suckers are 90% percentile head and it's like landing on a small trampoline. I coordinate my jumps perfectly I land on each one perfectly. I have only 4 left. 3. 2. 1. Wait that's not a Goomba. It's a Koopa Troopa. Well it's OK. I just have to be careful not to kick the shell. I land on the other side of the shell. Then it happens. I clench my chest. It feels likes caving in. Fall backwards and knock the koopa shell. It zooms behind me. When it comes back I will die. "Get up!" I tell myself. "Stay down," says a weaker part of myself. "You're too old and too fat to win. You're past your prime." "Past my prime?" says a completely different part of me. I push off the ground and soar through the air. "It's a me! Mario!" I scream triumphantly.
I jump and my head hits an invisible block and feels ten sizes too big. How did I forget that thing was there? The shell is seconds away from me. I try to muster another jump but I collapse onto the ground. This is a nice way to die. The shell hits a target, but it wasn't me. Some idiot Flying Goomba was hoping along when it got in the way. I'd feel sorry for it if I didn't hate its rotten guts.
It was then when I noticed that the invisible block I hit grew a beanstalk. This day keeps getting better. I climb the vine and reach the clouds. Only to find an army of Lakitu's readying their Spinies. I don't care what anyone says. These guys are invincible. I've never killed one nor could I. Every time you jump to land on their heads they just float quickly away. This day keeps getting better.
Then it kicks in. I could feel my heart convulsing so hard that no metaphor could describe it. I fall from the clouds, fall down a chimney, fall right into Bowser's lair. My heart settles.
"Ho, ho, ho!" I say mockingly to whoever's there, but it's quiet. I'd like to say too quiet, but it's just quiet. The keep is empty, at least of life. A charred skeleton rests in Princess Peach's cage. Bowser sits on his throne, recently succumbed to a heart attack. It takes a lot of energy to spit fire and jump up and down. I exchange a rather one sided good-bye with the princess and walk out the castle doors.
The sun is out. The eyes on the hills and clouds are winking merrily. I hate it here, so much. I dig a shallow grave in earth and lie down in it. Just when I think I can finally rest, some idiot hits the reset button.
The End