Disclaimer: DGM is not mine D=!

Warning: nothing really too bad…just angst and stuff…

Note: Me and my friend Jess, who I make proofread for me, spent all of 7th period photography trying to get a title… we failed. lol

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Crimson Relief

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The Noah got closer.

He couldn't move.

The Tease was just inches from his chest.

Something hard rammed into his side.

He fell.

A carnivorous butterfly disappeared into the chest of the one who had pushed him out of the way.

Into the chest of the one who saved him.

Into the chest of the one he loved.

Into the chest of his lover.

Into Kanda's chest.

…The last petal of the lotus fell…

***

Allen woke up screaming. Hot, painful tears fell from his eyes in a never ending stream. For months he's always waken up the same way from the same nightmare. The same nightmare that has forced Allen to relive Kanda's death every time he managed to cry himself to sleep.

The frail boy pulled his knees tight to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Dropping his head, he began to silently weep alone in the cold, dark room, wondering when he would finally run out of tears. He no longer kept track of the days. He couldn't remember the last time he left his room. He couldn't remember the last time Lenalee, Lavi, Komui, or anyone else at the Order tried to coax him out. He didn't even know if it was day or night.

Allen's golden golem, Timcampy, sat quietly on the nightstand beside the bed. The creature was obviously worried about him, but it was also angry at the boy's weak behavior. Everyone at the Order was surprised to see Allen take Kanda's death so hard. They all thought that the two hated each other, but behind closed doors or away from the eyes of everyone else, they loved each other.

Allen took it even harder than Lenalee, who depended on everyone's well-being to support her own world. But unlike Lenalee, Allen's world depended on just one person.

And now that person is dead because of me.

"How many loved ones do I have to kill?!" Allen shouted hoarsely to the empty room. "How many have to die before my eyes?!" He grabbed his pillow and launched it at the picture that reminded him so much of Mana. Of the person who had also died for showing Allen warmth, love, and compassion.

"Why has God forsaken me?" He whispered so quietly that even he couldn't hear it. "What have I done to deserve this wretched life?"

***

Allen's stomach was painfully empty. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten. He couldn't remember a lot of things. Kanda's death haunted him.

His stomach twisted as it growled loudly, longing for food. Lavi or Lenalee used to bring him a tray of food, but they had stopped. The last time Lavi stopped by, Allen's depressed state had put him into a fit of anger and he stormed from the room. The last time Lenalee stopped by, she hugged him and Allen immediately noticed the difference between the arms that were currently wrapped around him, and the pair that used to hold him tightly. He rejected her, and she stopped coming.

Deciding that he had no intention of dying from starvation, Allen made his way to the cafeteria in a daze. The people he passed in the hall stared or whispered as he walked by, and Allen realized that he probably looked like crap. Not that he cared. He didn't even mind how the cafeteria turned dead silent when he entered. Ignoring the whispers and murmurs, Allen went to place an order with Jerry.

"I haven't seen your face in while." Jerry greeted him, obviously being careful about what he said. "What can I get you Allen? You're as skinny and a twig."

"I'll just a sandwich today, Jerry. Thanks." Allen tried to plaster on his old innocent smile, but failed miserably.

"That's all?" The man was shocked. Allen usually ordered a mountain of food.

"Yeah."

"I'll get that for you right now then." The chef disappeared into the back of the kitchen and returned quickly with Allen's food. He gave a pleading look to someone over Allen's shoulder.

The unusually pale boy made his way to an empty table and sat down. It wasn't until he was done his food that he noticed that this was the same table Kanda always ate soba at. The area around him seemed to be thick with depression.

As he finally stood to leave and return to the safety of his room, Chaoji stood in his way, blocking his path.

"You aren't the only person who cared about him." He growled at Allen. The man had always hated him and even thought him to be a traitor.

Allen's colorless eyes stared back at him blankly, trying to keep his emotions under control.

"You're not the only one who has lost someone important!" Chaoji shouted at Allen's lack of reaction. "He was our friend too!"

He snapped.

"FRIEND?!" Allen shouted back at Chaoji. "He never thought of you as a friend!" His vision was going red. "I wasn't his friend either!" Allen growled viciously.

"Then who are you to get all worked up and not take on any missions! It's causing trouble for the rest of us too! There aren't enough exorcist as it is. Are you trying to sabotage the Order?!" He inhaled a deep breath. "I bet you don't even care that Kanda-senpai is dead! I hear it was all your fault anyway! Freezing up like you did. Why would Kanda-senpai bother saving someone like you?" Chaoji grabbed Allen's collar and pulled him closer. "He was stupid to waste his life on you, who wasn't even his friend." He practically spat the words at Allen and the boy could stand it no longer.

"I wasn't his friend." Allen launched a punch into Chaoij's face using his powerful left hand. "I was his boyfriend!" The snowy haired boy didn't bother looking at the shocked faces around him. He didn't bother listening to their whispers. It didn't matter now. Kanda was dead and soon he would be too. If he was being such a burden to the Order, then he would end his life and save them the trouble.

Storming from the cafeteria, Allen made his way back to his room and threw himself onto the bed. He curled himself up and silently cried himself to sleep.

***

"What's wrong, Shounen?" Tyki asked as he moved closer, a stripped butterfly with a golden face and sharp teeth, in each hand. "Are you too afraid to move?" He chuckled.

Allen remained still. Why wouldn't his body listen to him?

Tyki stretched his hand out until the Tease was right above his heart.

"Damnit! Moyashi!" An angry, familiar voice called out.

Something hard hit Allen and pain shot through his hip as he hit the ground. He looked up in time to see Tyki grin evilly as the Tease entered Kanda's heart…

***

"NO!" Allen sat up in bed, fisting his colorless hair and gasping for air. When was the last time he had a peaceful sleep? He had no idea how much time had passed since he announced his relationship with the late exorcist. He knew that most of people at the Order wouldn't take it well, others wouldn't care, and some wouldn't believe it. Of course, he didn't really care what they thought anymore. He was done being perfect.

When Mana died, Allen was able to struggle on, but losing Kanda was too much. He couldn't take it. He couldn't go on living without him. He wouldn't go on living without him.

A familiar pain twisted Allen's stomach, and he decided to go to the cafeteria again. He figured that it had at least been a few hours since his last trip there, and he was getting rather hungry. The boy decided to try something new today. Something he had always wanted to try, but never did.

***

"What can I get you today Allen?" Jerry asked, friendly as usual, but still different. He had witnessed yesterday's events. In fact, it seemed like everybody did. Allen had been too out of it to notice, but nearly everyone was there. On his way to the cafeteria today, finders and scientists whispered, exorcists gave him looks of pity, Lenalee stared blankly, Lavi put on his bookman façade, and Chaoji rushed past him. Allen had broken his nose.

Good.

"I think I'll have an order of soba today, Jerry." Allen smiled pleasantly. Now that he was sure of what he was going to do, Allen felt better. He had given up on the idea of God when Mana died, and he also didn't believe in Heaven, but he thought that he still might be with Kanda in his next life. Hopefully the two wouldn't be exorcists and could be ignorant of akuma, like normal people. Maybe they would even fall in love again.

Jerry looked slightly pained as Allen ordered Kanda's favorite meal.

"I'll also have a serving of Mitarashi Dango please."

***

After ignoring the stares he received while eating his meal, Allen started for his room again. He wondered why Kanda was always eating soba. It was good, but didn't exactly fit Allen's taste. Probably because it also made him cry as he remembered his raven haired man eating it every time he saw him in the cafeteria.

"So we have to clear out Yuu Kanda's room by the end of the week, right?"

"Yeah, some new kid is coming. Timothy Hearst, I think."

"From the 'Phantom Thief G' incidents in Paris?"

"Yeah. That kid."

Allen stood frozen in the hallway. They were clearing Kanda's room? He had no family left, so all of his things would be disposed of. Nothing would be left to remember him by. Kanda once said that 'exorcists drop like flies', and it was true. Exorcists died all the time and soon no one would remember them. He bit his lip to keep from crying out as reality smacked him in the face.

His thought processes died along with his mental stability.

Once Kanda's room was cleaned out and Timothy Hearst moved in, Kanda would really be gone. Soon enough everyone would forget. No one would remember him… He choked back another cry as he ran to his own room. Ignoring Timcampy's angry fluttering, Allen grabbed a pocket knife he had since he was little and made his way to Kanda's room.

I don't want to live in a world where I'm the only one who remembers.

Calming slightly as he inhaled the scent of Kanda's room, Allen sat on the bed across from the hourglass with the withered lotus petals. He slowly dropped to the side and pressed his face into what used to be Kanda's pillow. The man's unmistakable scent was still there and it gave Allen a peaceful feeling. He was going to be with his loved one again soon.

Sliding to the floor, Allen leaned back against the bed and let his head fall back. He took out the knife and held it to his wrist.

One cut.

Allen remembered the first time he met the angry Kanda outside of the gate. He remembered the first time Kanda called him Moyashi. The nickname he pretended to hate.

Two cuts.

Allen remembered when he accidentally blurted out his feelings for Kanda. The man didn't hesitate in dragging him into the nearest room and making Allen his. It was then they became aware of their mutual love.

Three cuts.

Allen remembered one of their missions together. After the Finder left, the two walked silently hand in hand. They stopped in an alley at sundown and kissed and held each other for what felt like forever.

Four cuts.

Allen remembered when he accidentally made Kanda jealous. The man screwed him roughly then made gentle love to him afterwards.

Five cuts.

Allen remembered all the times he was held passionately in Kanda's arms.

Six cuts.

Allen remembered every kiss he received from Kanda.

Seven cuts.

The blood loss made Allen feel dizzy and faint. He continued.

Eight cuts.

Allen remembered the look on Kanda's face when Tyki punctured his heart. It wasn't a look of pain… but one of relief. He had saved the one he loved.

Nine cuts.

Allen remembered Kanda's last words as he looked back at him with satisfaction in his dark eyes. The mouth that once whispered sweet words in Allen's ear and kissed him so passionately now had traces of blood in the corner of the slightly smirking lips.

"I love you."

Ten cuts.

Allen's eyes were hazy and he was feeling very faint as he stared lovingly at the withered lotus in the hourglass. He could swear that he felt Kanda there with him as his pale white wrist dripped a beautiful crimson red.

"I love you, too."

With a peaceful look on his pale face, Allen Walker died.

***

This was painful to write. I don't like the idea of Kanda being dead…

I kind of got the idea for this while watching a cosplay video to the song Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. It was a video were Sasuke was dead and Naruto was all broken up about his death, so naturally I turned it into "What would Allen do if Kanda died?"
In case you didn't already notice… I have a hatred of Chaoji. I really wanted to have Allen kill him. lol
Sorry the title isn't very creative… Jess (read note at top of page if you didn't already) and I debated over titles but couldn't really find something we liked…She was also trying to get me to put S'mores somewhere in the story -_-… and Blue's Clues…and now she wants a shirt that says "I'm a carnivorous butterfly." My friends are weird. (Like I'm one to talk XD!)
I have no idea how many cuts it takes to kill yourself… I guess it depends but I just made it ten cuz I like even numbers.

I finally bought the first volume of –Man! Until now I've read it online but I could resist no longer! I also bought a new BL Novel X3!

My other story will be updated soon… probably.

Reviews make meh happeh =D!



~Captive Nightingale