Really not my best story, but I just felt like uploading it.
This story is to show that love along is not enough...but you have to show it.
Please enjoy anyway.
When Hatori came home late at night, the first thing he saw in his apartment were Yoshinos shoes that laid in the entrance like they were thrown off.
His brows twitched angrily as he put them to the side neatly.
It was always like that. Chiaki was always causing him trouble. Not just at work but also in private.
It was the same every night he came home. Like always the AC was turned on and the room cold. His place untidy.
The only difference. A table with rice balls on the table. But when he tasted them they were awfull.
He could only sigh annoyed before he ripped the second pillow out of Chiakis hands and lay down next to him.
„ So annoying.", he mumbled quitly.
As soon as his eyes closed Chiakis opened, filling with tears as he tried to hold back pained hiccupus.
Lately it was always like this.
Hatori talked to him if necessary for work but if not they were silent. And everytime he saw the brunette he would begin to frown.
Chiaki settled into his pillow and closed his eyes. He wanted to cuddle closer to the body next to him. But he knew that it wouldn't do any good. Because he would be pushed away later in the night when Hatori would notice. So he just closed his eyes and fell into a deep restless sleep.
„ Go wash your face and brush your teeth when you're awake!", Hatori commanded while dressing himself. Chiaki sat in the bed, looking at his lover sleepy but sad.
„ I dreamed about a big rock suffocating me in sleep...", he said. And it was true. Because all his feelings weightened down on him much. But Hatori didn't seem to care.
When his phone rang later one he stood up, faking exitment.
„ Maybe it's Yuu.", he said, taking a quik glance at Hatori, who didn't look bothered a bit.
He wanted to hurt Hatori. And he knew mentioning Yuu would do that, at least he hoped so.
He wanted to hurt him like he hurt him everyday.
It has been a year since we started going out, but nothing seemed to have changed. And if it did it just all went worse.
I can see Hatori getting more annoyed with me each day, each hour even minute. And I don't understand why. He was the one who told me he loved me.
And now he behaved rather cold and hurt so much.
He had always scolded and repriminded me, but it all went worse since we started going out.
When he comes home at night I pretend to be asleep to see his reaction, to hear his words because I had missed him all day long. But all I heard were mumbles of annoyance... and it just hurt so much.
I know I must repeat myself, but that's how it is.
I thought that Hatori was a loving person, he was to anybody else. To everyone but me.
He nag and scolded me like 19/6. When he didn't he talked about work.
We never went on dates or something even near that. He never told me „I love you" since that day.
Of course we kissed and slept with each other, but it felt emotionless, because after that we wouldn't cuddle, no matter how much I hoped for it.
When he came home last night, I turned the AC on on purpose and though I was shivering I let it be like that. Because I hoped that when he'd come home and he'd see me shiver he'd take me in his arms and warm me up. I hoped he would mumble sweet words to me. But he didn't.
He turned the heater on and covered me with the blanket while complaining about my behaviour.
I just don't understand why he acted like that.
Like he regrets confessing to me. Like he doesn't...love me.
When I had told my mother on the phone that I didn't cause him trouble I was looking at him...and his expression clearly told me that he found me troublesome.
Chiaki could feel his heart crumble. By all the vibes Hatori was giving off, with all this action... he had hurt the brunette without even realizing it.
Chiaki had tried to act normal all the time, but with each day it grew harder. Because Hatori... didn't show love or concern.
Just annoyance and anger.
And Chiaki had began to wonder if he had just imagined all this kind expression, all the love and all the happy days.
It had took him a while to realize that he hadn't, but that he had recieved it before they started this relationship.
And he had felt his heart break, because at that moment he slowly had began to understand that Hatori really regretted confessing to him, going out with him. That Hatori never really had been in love with him, but just had mistook friendship for a romantic feeling.
Seeing all this after falling so hard for his editor made him feel stupid. Betrayed and unbearable... hurt.
And he wanted to hurt Hatori the same way, though all his tries until now just had backfired.
Many tries already had been useless and days had passed until he came to a desicion.
He's break up with Hatori as soon as the editor wanted it. Because that's were all of this was heading.
He knew if Hatori left he'd never love again, but there wasn't anyone how cared anyway. So giving up was in his opinion the best he could do.
To let Hatori have a better relationship, even deep down alone the thought of giving his editor away to somebody else seemed to kill him.
„ Why did you cook for me?", Htori asked while they walked towards their childhood homes.
First... I wanted to do something to please you. Because maybe it would hold you back. Keep you from leaving. But it failed like all the other things I tried.
„ I though I had to at least learn the basics..."
Second because you'll be leaving me soon, won't you? I wanted to stand by myself then... but I don't really care anymore. It's not like I will be able to eat then... it doesn't matter if I rot away, because you don't even care. So I'll enjoy your cooking as long as I still can...
„ That's called repenting?", Tori asked after Chiakis little speech that he held while thinking of his reasons.
The brunette looked on the floor and he felt tears coming up to his eyes. But he held them back. He knew what he was going to say now would only hurt himself, but for a little while longer, only for a little, he wanted to live in this dream of love.
„ What's wrong? Anyway, we'll always be together."
At least that's what I had thought until just a short while ago...
He could feel Hatoris shocked stare and tried not to tremble. At least Hatori should not have it easy when telling him that he'll leave him...
It was selfish... but he just couldn't let it go like this. He didn't want to let Hatori go, but there was no sense in keeping him by his side when there was no love. It only would hurt much more than it already did.
„ Well, taste aside. I'm grateful that you cooked for me.", Hatori said. Chiaki looked at him surprised and deep down his heart clenched.
Why won't you stop already? Stop this sharade and just tell me that you're leaving me...
It was awful. His mother scolded him as soon as he opened the door, but of course she was nice to Hatori. They all liked him better.
Even if Chiaki was to return after their future-break-up they would take Hatoris side. Saying that it was only natural because- he could quote it already-: „ Want to live with a useless guy like you?!".
There was no way anybody would be by his side to support him, even if he felt bad.
The only one could be Yuu...but him too...seemed already to be tired of Chiaki.
And like always Hatoris frown he wore just a minute ago wile talking to Chiaki was replaced by a gently smile.
Chiakis heart throbbed as Hatori gently smiled at his sister Chinatsu again. For the second time.
It was a smile he never had seen to bee directed at him. Always at other, especially Chinatsu, but never him.
It was something he had noticed quite often. How Chinatsu looked at Hatori and how he looked at her. Of course Chinatsu was beautiful, it was understandable, but still hurt.
And it made something come to his made. A thought that hurt him deep down.
I heard it so often. That I and Chinatsu look alike. Maybe... maybe... that's why Hatori went out with me... because I look like Chinatsu...
Chiakis hands gribbed his melon tighter.
He hadn't followed the conversation...at least not really. So he was really surprised by his mother asking him about a girlfriend.
Through the years he had learned to talk his way out of it, but what he didn't think of was his mother turning to Hatori.
So his eyes widened in shock when his mother asked Hatori what he thought of Chinatsu.
„ I think Chinatsu is too good for me."
Chiaki couldn't bear it anymore. Gentle words. A gentle rejection.
But instead of rejecting Chinatsu it had felt like Hatori had rejected Chiaki.
He stood up, his head down, his eyes looked on the floors. He wouldn't let them see his tears. Never. Because they wouldn't care.
„ Hatori can I have your key? We have to feet the fish!", he said and ran out as soon as he had them.
Chiaki wasn't looking at Hatori when that entered the rrom. He knew it would do no good. He'd only cry those tears he held back for month.
„ Sorry...my mum said some weird stuff...", Chiaki said while still not looking at Hatori.
Hey...am I no good?
„ Don't worry. It was nothing out of the ordinary."
Is Chinatsu really better than me?
„ I'm sorry about... Chinatsu... too..."
When did you stop loving me?
„ Why?"
Why does it hurt so much?
„ No just... I mean it's not your fault she got angry...only..."
When did you stop looking at me with those caring eyes?
„ Don't tell me... you're..."
Why wouldn't I be jealous?
„ Wh-What?" Chiaki finally turned around to look at the other and his heart squeezed painfully.
„ No way... You're jealous of Chinatsu?"
I love you.
„ It's nothing like that!" Hurt, pain, sorrow. All at once. Bringing tears to his eyes. Making him unable to breath...to speak porpably, but that all was only inside.
„ That's not it..."
I love you!
„ How should I say it... I just thought it was bothersome..."
I love you, damn it!
Silent cries. Silent pleas to be heard. To be loved back...just once more...
„ And Chinatsu is a girl..."
Love me... please...
„ She'd be much better for you..."
Why is it only me?
„ For two guys to be together... and Tori, you're an only child..."
That's what you want, isn't it? Though I love you... I have to give you up...
Chiaki felt like running out of the room. He'd say it and leave. He'd break up and never come again. He'd change his editor and maybe even his publishing house.
Because Hatori wouldn't hold him back. Hatori wouldn't come after him. Because this was what Hatori wanted.
Chiaki already took a deep breath.
„ True. It isn't easy for two men to tell their family they're dating... But I've thrown away those worries long ago. Of course, I feel sorry for your mom. But in return, I'll only have you in my heart for my whole life. And anyway, if I'd give up on you just for something like this, would I one-sidedly love you for 28 years?"
And that's when Chiaki broke down in tears. He fell on his knees covering his eyes with his hands while beginning to sob loudly.
„ Why... are you... saying... this now...? After...I've decided... to give up...on you...", he sobbed.
Hatori looked at his lover shocked and then kneeled down in front of him, pulling him in a tight embrace.
„ Why the hell did you decide to give up on me?", he asked half shocked, half angry, and maybe a little bit hurt too.
„ Because... that's what...you want...right?", Yoshino whimpered while clenching his hands in front of his heart.
He was shaking. He was shaking so badly that Hatori became really worried.
He pushed Chiaki away, only making him whimper more. He then looked into the violet-blue eyes of his lover and wiped away the tears in a gentle way.
„ What gave you the idea that I want to break up?", he asked softly.
Chiaki looked at him a little puzzled, but the sorrow still in his eyes.
„ Because you don't love...me.", he whispered after several minutes of silence.
„ What the hell are you talking about? When did I ever say I don't love you?" Hatoris voice became louder, making Chiaki flinch terribly.
„ You're always annoyed by me... Never... take me... out on...dates..." Chiaki began to cry again, this time leaning forward, clenching his stromach to ease the pain a little.
„ You sleep with me...but never...kiss...me... Always only talk...'bout...work..."
Hatori looked at the brunette in shock. He never knew Chiaki could have break-downs like this. And especially because of him. And he never knew that Chiaki had felt so unsure, so hurt. His heart began to stab with every word.
„ You...always scold me...repremind me... don't embrace me... always complain about me... you never...smile at me... but always at others."
Chiakis word were interrupted by his crying. He hardly could breath anymore. It just hurt so much.
To speak out all the things that had bothered him for so long now.
When he finally could talk again, he said what was bothering him the most. Because if this had been there he would have beard all the other things. But it was like everything else totally absent.
„ And you...never tell me...you love...me anymore... Though I love...you so much...", he whispered.
Hatori looked at him, something like pity and guilt in his eyes. Then he embraced Chiaki again, only drawing more tears out of the brunettes eyes.
„ I'm sorry Chiaki. If I had known what was bothering you..."
He drew Chiakis head back and kissed his eyelids, gently sucking off the tears.
„ I'm not good at saying what I feel. I never was, but I assumed that you would just understand me. I guess I was wrong. Nobody can live without hearing those words. I truly and deeply love you! I really do! I'm sorry for making you feel unsecure."
Chiakis hands grabbed Hatoris shirt and cuddled closer to him.
„ Why are you...always so annoyed with me? I thought you love me for me... why wouldn't cuddle with me...or smile at me...", he said while new tears fell on Hatoris shirt.
The editor pressed the small body nearer to his, his head was resting on Chiakis shoulder.
„ I'm really sorry. I'm a 29 year old guy... but I get so nervous around you that I don't know how to act. I just try to hide it behind annoyance. And I don't cuddle with you because I thougth you wouldn't like it. And for the smile...well it's the same as with the annoyance... I'm so sorry Chiaki. I love you!"
„ But you said it last night... that it's annoying...", Chiaki mumbled, slowly becoming convinced by Hatoris words. Becoming calm.
Hatori thought for a moment, trying to remember when he said that.
„ Ah...that...that was... it was annoying that I again didn't catch you awake. Because I was becoming needy.", he confessed.
Chiaki looked up at him, trying to figure out if he could believe him, then deciding that it was worth a try.
„ Are we good?", Hatori asked his lover and kissed hi nose. After a short moment Chiaki nodded and pressed his lips on Hatoris.
„ CHIAKI! Why the hell is my place this untidy?", Hatori shouted when he stepped out of his room in the morning. His room looked like a typhoon had been in it.
He again had this very annoyed look on his face while he looked at Chiaki whos eyes became sadder with every second.
„ Argh... I don't have time for this!", the angry editor said while storming to the door, leaving his depressed lover behind.
But in the last moment before storming out the door he turned around and looked at Chiaki, a small smile on his lips.
„ Oh and before I forget it...", he said and got back to the brunettes side. Drawing the smaller in a tight embrace and then locking their lips for a moment.
„ I love you!", he said and ran out of the apartment.
Chiaki looked the way his lover had just disappeared and a smile spread on his lips and eyes.
As long as he heard this words he would overcome everything. Every pain and sorrow.
Oh what a wonderful phrase this was.
I love you!
So I hope you liked it ^^
Thanks to Paulie MickyJ because she inspires me to write everyday. You are really the best Yaoi fan I know :D Thanks.
Please review ^^