Fire Away Ch. 1
After losing the baby Courtney couldn't shake the desperate feeling of despair, grief and loneliness that she was feeling. She lay curled up on the couch with the baby blanket Carly had given her as a welcome home gift after their return from South America. She heard Jason walk through the door but didn't move. She just stayed curled up in the fetal position. Jason walked over to her, sat down on the couch and slowly touched her knee to let him know she was there. "Courtney, you ok?" She slowly turned to look at him. "NO Jason I'm not ok. I can't help feeling like I will never be the same again. I can't shake the loneliness, depression and grief." She told him as she started to cry softly. "Courtney, talk to me. Let me try to help you. I can't pretend to know what you are going through. I'm grieving too just not in the same way. You were the one carrying our baby, you felt that connection. Please help me try to understand what you are going through." She remained silent while still softly crying. Taking that as a sign she wasn't ready to open up and talk about things just yet Jason could do the only thing he could at that moment and that was to put his arm around her and try to comfort her the only way he knew how, just be there.
After a few minutes, he broke the silence between them once again. "Courtney remember how we talked about going away together but other things that seemed more important at the time kept getting in the way?" She nodded in response. "Well then go away with me now. The only important thing right now is us." "When?" She asked him as she wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Now, tonight. "He told her. Thinking this just may be the escape she needs to feel normal again she agreed. They both got off the couch and went upstairs to pack. She neatly folded the blanket and placed it in the bottom of her suitcase. She wasn't sure why she was taking the blanket along, she just knew she still needed to hold onto it for a little while longer.
A half hour later they were in the car on their way to the airport. Jason had called ahead and had Sonny's pilot ready his private plane. Courtney still couldn't shake the feeling of despair even as they boarded the plane for what she knew was Sonny's secluded island. Her breath caught in her throat as soon as the plane took off. "Jason, I can't breathe. I can't breathe." She told him in a panicked scream the second time as she rushed to the bathroom. "Courtney! Are you ok?" Jason asked standing right outside the bathroom door. "I'll be fine Jason." She told him as she looked in the mirror at her reflection, her cold, broken, shameful reflection. "I just needed to splash some water on my face I think. I'm feeling a bit better now." She said as she emerged from the bathroom. Jason put his hand on the small of her back to help guide her back to the sofa. He knew something was off with her he just didn't know how to ask what was wrong without her completely shutting down on him. The rest of the plane ride was spent with her curled up laying on Jason's lap asleep. Jason couldn't help but watch her sleep and softly brush her hair out of her face with his hands. He did something in that moment he hadn't done in a very long time, he prayed.
Jason slowly roused Courtney as the pilot told him they were ready to make their decent. Courtney slowly sat up and put her seatbelt on. She still felt like she was in a fog but was determined to put on a brave face and try to have an enjoyable time on this trip for Jason's sake. Once they made it to the house Courtney started to relax just a bit. "I'm going to go unpack and change." She told Jason as they entered the house. In truth, she just needed a few minutes to herself. "I'll start dinner then." He told her as he gave her a light kiss on the forehead as they went their separate ways. Once Courtney entered the bedroom she flopped the suitcases down on the bed and unzipped hers first and started placing her clothing in the dresser and closet. She got to the baby blanket she had packed, she sat down on the bed with the blanket clutched in her hands and started to cry again. She couldn't help herself, she just let the tears flow freely. The longer she sat there crying over the baby the angrier she felt. Angry at herself for letting herself feel this way, angry at Alcazar for trapping her on that boat, angry at Jason for leaving for South America before she had a chance to tell him about the baby. She didn't know what else to do, she was just so angry. She got up and started franticly pacing the room, looking for something, anything to break or throw to hopefully make herself feel better. She grabbed a vase from the mirrored dresser and threw it as hard as she could against the mirror, shattering them both. Then she fell into a crumpled mess on the floor. "Courtney!" Jason screamed upon hearing the shattering glass from the kitchen. He sprinted up the stairs and into the bedroom finding shards of glass everywhere and Courtney crumpled into a ball sobbing on the floor in the middle of the room. "Courtney, what happened? Are you ok?" He asked her as he knelt beside her and tried to pick her up off the floor. As he tried to pick her up she smacked him away. "Get away from me!" she screamed. Jason was completely shocked and taken aback by what she had just said to him he wasn't sure what was happening. "Courtney, I love you, please let me help you. Let me in, tell me what's going on inside your head?" Courtney couldn't stop sobbing. She no longer felt angry, now she felt ashamed. Ashamed she had let herself get angry, ashamed she had broken the vase and mirror, ashamed she had yelled at Jason. "I don't know Jason, I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling, my thoughts seem to go from one thing to another so quickly I can't keep up with them. Like just now, I feel ashamed for getting angry and breaking the mirror and vase. Before, while unpacking I felt angry, for bringing the baby blanket with me, for feeling the way I have been and not knowing how to fix it. For not being able to get pregnant again because of the stupid decision I made to jump off that boat. See, none of this makes any sense, does it?" She asked him as she got up off the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. "Courtney, I've always been honest with you. You may not want to hear this right now but I honestly think you need to talk to someone. Therapy may help you deal with all the emotions you are feeling right now. I can listen and try to understand where you are coming from and I will help you as best I can to get through this. But I think seeking professional help when we get home is the best thing for you to deal with everything you have going on." Jason told her all of this while sitting beside her on the bed and gently rubbing her back. "Maybe you are right Jason, I will make an appointment at GH when we get home." She said as she lightly kissed his cheek and stood up. "Right now, I better get this mess cleaned up before one of us gets cut." "Leave it, I will have the housekeeper get it. You just need to try to relax and maybe eat something. I do have dinner started, let's go see if it's close to done yet." He stood facing her and looked into her eyes before taking her hand and heading downstairs to the kitchen. When he looked into her eyes he saw all the pain and sadness behind them. He silently prayed she would get help once they returned home.
As Jason got the lasagna out of the oven Courtney set the table. She even lit candles and turned on some soft music. Jason plated their food and brought it over to the table, setting the plates down he walked over and pulled Courtney's chair out for her. She gave him a small smile as she sat down. "This is nice." She said as she looked at him from across the table. "Let's just try to relax and enjoy the evening. So what do you want to do tomorrow? Any ideas?" He asked as they both started eating the lasagna in front of them. "No, not really. Let's just see what the morning brings ok?" She said, still not sure how she was feeling, just knowing she wanted to try to seem as normal as possible for him this weekend. As they finished dinner and settled on the couch in the living room with a couple drinks Courtney finally started to feel normal again after the emotional roller coaster of the day. She cuddled up next to Jason with her legs tucked under her. As she finished her drink, a lot faster than Jason thought she would, she leaned over and kissed him, almost forcefully. Jason pulled her back. "Courtney, are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The doctor said it was ok to resume all normal activities." She said as she moved to kiss him again. He sat his drink down on the table so he could wrap his arms around her. They made their way to the bedroom never breaking contact from one another Jason gently laid her down on the bed and asked again if she was sure this is what she wanted. "Yes Jason!" She said with more sternness in her voice than she intended. As they made love for the first time since Courtney was pregnant all the emotions Courtney had been feeling went into their lovemaking. She finally felt normal and free of all the craziness. She truly enjoyed every second of Jason's attentiveness towards her. Once they were wrapped in each other's arms and he was fast asleep however, that was a different story.