Cupcake

Julie had a lot to be proud of: straight As, a full scholarship to one of the best prep schools in the country, the coveted position of starting goalie for the junior varsity team at the tender age of 14. She felt respected for her accomplishments, and she resented anyone who is made it sound easy, like these things were her destiny or something. Some people had no idea what it took to keep her cool under the spotlight of big games, or how she felt on a day-to-day basis, paranoid that it would all be taken away from her in an instant. This fear was one of her many secrets shames. She'd been programmed since birth to be tough. She wasn't allowed to be sad or to cry or to have any doubt in herself, especially with the many male goalies her age eager to take her spot. A girl doing a man's job? She was used to it though.

But the boys were growing overnight, and she was starting to feel out of place again. How long until Goldberg shoots up and can make more saves than me simply based on size? No one in her family was above 5'8", and Julie prided herself on being realistic. There was no way she'd grow much more than an inch or two.

She was normally a cool kitty, but the world was just too much sometimes. She was already on edge most days, and now a B on a test or a missed save in practice were all it took to send her thoughts into a darker place.

She sighed in her bed, glancing yet again at the test she had received earlier. B+. Not acceptable. It may as well have been an F. She crumpled the papers and threw them under her bed. Julie wasn't a B student, yet the red letter was burned into her memory. She could imagine her mother yelling at her, belligerently asking if she wanted to be homeless while her father sat quietly and watched the verbal assault. Throughout her life, she often had to rely on herself for emotional support; once puberty came around though, she had no idea how to deal with the influx of feelings that had nothing to do with hockey. Everything just felt more scattered and difficult to comprehend. Ironically, Goldberg had helped her find relief, but she was ashamed.

Julie rolled off her bed and bent down to pull a black box from her secret hiding spot. She sat cross-legged, adrenaline pumping through her veins in anticipation (and desperation). She unlatched the cover to reveal dozens snacks, hidden from Connie and any other prying eyes. She trusted Connie, but she didn't want her to worry or have to keep the secret with her.

The bright packages beckoned Julie, and she felt the tension leaving her body. How could she resist?

Julie loved sprinkles and chocolate chips and jellybeans. Gone were the thoughts of the B+ on her chemistry test. A few Swedish berries healed the sting of Coach's latest tongue-lashing. A kitkat helped her to forget Goldberg and Averman's comments about her growing behind. She felt so good.

Normally, she'd take a few just to calm her nerves, but she was feeling especially vulnerable today. And she didn't stop eating. Just one twinkie, she bargained. Hmm, I haven't eaten chips in a while.

She was half-way done her second bag of Lays when she heard a knock on the door.

"Julie? I need to talk to you." Oh no. It was Coach Orion. What the heck was he doing in the dorms?

The treats turned to cement in her stomach.

Get rid of it.

But how?

A horrible thought popped into her head, and she shook it away furiously. She could not go down that road. But how would she explain what she was doing? Julie the Cat is always cool and in control, not binge-eating when she should've been studying or practicing.

"Julie?"

"Mhmm," she could barely talk as she quickly stuffed the wrappers into the box and hid it under her bed again.

"Julie?"

"Just a minute!" she called out. Julie wondered if he'd be able to smell the junk on her breath.

Proper girls don't eat like pigs.

She shook her mom's harsh words out of her mind and quickly ran to the door.

"Yes coach." He looked surprised by her frantic energy.

"Hello Julie. I wanted to have a meeting with you and Goldberg in my office today."

"Right now?"

"Of course. Meet me in my office in 15 minutes."

"Okay coach." Julie closed the door behind him as he left. She willed herself not to cry. One moment of weakness, and her spot was going to be taken away from her. What else could the meeting be about? Julie grabbed her keys, threw on a jacket, and exited her room swiftly. She would take her punishment on the chin like the tough girl she was, or who she thought she was.

Used to be.