Warnings: some major angst and lust and unrequited love.
Brittany doesn't exist in this world, by the way. (It's the only way I can accept all these pezberry feelings I have on a regular basis...)
Based on the song of the name by Tegan & Sara so sadly I don't own the angst OR the characters. Sigh.
dark, you can't come soon enough for me
It isn't that Santana is purposefully avoiding all brunette women under the height of five feet, two inches. But every time she rounds the lockers down a hallway, the one she is avoiding manages to be standing right there. So instead, she just steers clear of everyone with that general appearance, which isn't hard seeing as there is only one girl in the whole school that is as perfectly petite and almost dreadfully cheery as Rachel Berry.
And to be fair, if it were up to Santana, she wouldn't be avoiding the girl at all. She'd be holding her hand and walking her to class and quickly pecking her lips with a goodbye kiss that doesn't really mean goodbye, but rather means I can't wait to see you again; class will be miserable without you.
But that isn't going to happen. So Santana has to suck it up and go through her day, getting by with just quick, accidental glances, shy smiles, and the occasional funny face the two sometimes exchange when they are having a "good day."
Because to be honest, Santana and Rachel are like, the best of friends. And it is just so goddamn frustrating that Santana feels she had to avoid her at all cost. God forbid she sees Rachel holding hands with her blob of a boyfriend (to be fair, Santana and Finn get along most days, but she hates seeing him with her girl) or laughing at a joke that some other girl tells her. She knows Rachel doesn't purposefully flirt with everything that breathes, but Santana can't help feeling that tinge of jealousy that occurs every time it happens.
And by tinge, she means raging, fueled fire inside her chest that burns with the white-hot intensity of thousand suns. Dramatic? Maybe. But that's what it feels like.
So Santana walks herself to class, taking in a deep, quivering breath every time she rounds a corner, preparing herself for what is to come in the often case that she finds Rach sucking face with her boyfriend. Why do they have to do that 24/7 anyway? It's disgusting.
Thankfully when she gets to the senior hallway this time, there is no sight of Bulky, Brainless Football Star, but she does see Rachel standing in front of the activities board, and searching through her book bag, probably for a gold star sticker to put next to her name. It's not a "good day" per se, but it's not a bad day either. It's an okay day, and Santana thinks she can handle a conversation with Rachel, at least a small one before class.
Not like she has much of a choice. As she walks up to the bulletin board, Rachel turns to her with the wide smile that she wears on a daily basis.
"Hey, San," Rachel says, picking a sticker off the clear sheet and holding it between her two fingers. "I was just signing up to help out at the animal shelter next Saturday with the PETA club. I'd ask you to join me, but I know that's... not your thing." She smirks and places the star perfectly on the line.
"You know me too well," Santana says, and she's smiling, so maybe it is a good day after all. Then again, sometimes being next to Rachel alone can cause her to forget why she tries so hard to stay away.
"So," Rachel begins, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear (and what Santana wouldn't do to reach over to brush her own fingers through Rachel's hair), "my final audition for NYADA is tomorrow!"
"That's awesome!" Santana's face brightens. "Are you nervous?"
"Kind of..." Rachel admits and leans against the bulletin board, looking up at Santana through thick eyelashes.
"Well don't be," Santana reassures her. "You'll do great. I mean, if anyone can get into that school it's Rachel Barbra Berry."
Rachel bites back a smile and reaches out to pull her into a hug. "Thank you so much, Santana. You're the best."
It kills Santana to be here, wrapped in Rachel's arm, knowing that this is all they'll ever be: friends. Best friends, perhaps, but it will never, ever be enough. She pulls back and smacks her lips, trying to avoid eye contact, but it's no use.
Rachel takes a breath and straightens out her shirt. All she knows is that Santana said she needed to "take some time to herself." Santana never told her why, never told her that she's in love with her; she honestly doesn't know if she'll ever be able to.
"Prom's coming up," Rachel points out. "Do you have, uh, someone to go with?"
Santana shakes her head, biting down hard on her bottom lip. "No, um, not yet," she answers quietly, and maybe it is a bad day after all. She knows Rachel is going with Finn. She knows they're going to rent a room at the Marriott. She doesn't even want to think about what they'll do all night.
Rachel, always looking out for her best friend, reaches out and gives a friendly smile. "I wouldn't worry about it. There's still plenty of time. Someone could ask you or, you know, maybe you could ask someone..."
The thing about Santana is that she has never exactly told anyone that she's gay. Puck figured it out when she told him she didn't want to hook up with him anymore, and she gets nervous around Quinn Fabray because she had that one sex dream about her, and well, it's just never been proven that Quinn doesn't have super human powers and can't read Santana's mind. But Rachel... Santana's pretty sure that Rachel has figured it out. She just hasn't asked yet, and Santana is super thankful for that because she just doesn't know what she would say.
She's thought about it plenty of times of course. Rachel would ask if she had a crush on anyone - maybe they'd be sitting on her bed at one of their many sleepovers; Santana would smile flirtatiously, maybe brush her fingers across her hand, whisper that yes, she did. But it was a secret. Rachel would lean in close and ask who it was. Santana wouldn't have to say anything. She'd just press her lips to Rachel's and pull her in closely and... well, she hasn't gotten that far in her mind because she always freaks herself out.
"You know..." Rachel starts again when Santana doesn't say anything, "maybe you could come with me?"
Santana's heartbeat picks up because what? Rachel isn't supposed to say things like that! Oh my god.
"Like, as a three-way date with me and Finn? Like I did last year with Sam and Mercedes! That would be awesome!"
Oh, well, shit. Santana should have known, she really should have. Rachel doesn't ask girls out to proms and dances and to go on dates, especially not her best friend. God, going on a "three-way" date with Finn and Rachel would actually be the worst ever. Worse than not going to prom at all. Worse than going with, like, Jacob Ben Israel.
"Um," Santana says, reminding herself to keep her breathing steady. "Thanks, but I don't think-"
Rachel nods. She looks at the ground, fixes her hair again, and looks back up to Santana. "I understand. That would be, I mean, that wouldn't be fun for anyone, right?"
Santana licks her lips and she just wants to hold Rachel so tightly and love her and always be there for her, but she can't, and it fucking sucks.
"I miss you, San," Rachel says quietly, as if saying it too loud would break some sort of unspeakable pact they have between them to not talk about the obvious - to not talk about the fact that Santana is so head over heels in love with Rachel, and Rachel can't be in love with her back.
"I miss you too, Rach," Santana's voice nearly breaks. "I still, um, I still need some more time though. You know to, um..." She trails off because she doesn't have an excuse, at least not one she is ready to say out loud.
Rachel nods again, sliding her sheet of stickers back into her bookbag. "Take all the time you need, 'Tana. I'll always be here. You know that, right?"
"Right," Santana says, hardly over a whisper. They stare at each other for a few more moments, Santana taking in the deep, chocolatey color of Rachel's eyes, before the warning bell rings and Rachel leaves her there in the middle of the hallway. It's not a bad day, Santana realizes. It's a worst day.
But maybe, she thinks, it has to get worse before it gets better. Maybe this gut-wrenching bottom she's gotten to will help her get her feet back on the ground again. Then she can really hit the ground running.
She'll be okay. Eventually, she will. One day, every day will be a good day.
hold out for the ones you know will love you.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! :)