Disclaimer: I don't own Firefly

A/N: I don't know how I thought of this. It's a bit strange, especially since I've only seen the first episode of Firefly so far. Hopefully this is good...

I always liked to learn.

That's what I was, the clever girl. Though now I don't feel so well. I was too clever for my own good and they used that. When I was little school went too slow. Kind teachers put me classes that weren't so easy for me. Though that wasn't enough.

Already I'd gotten so far in education, though I really needed more.

Then we heard of a fancy school for my kind of people. I needed to go there. That's where I could truly learn, I knew it. Nobody holding me back anymore!

But it didn't turn out that prettily. Instead they wanted to use my cleverness for bad things. I was going to be a fighter, they said. I wanted to be a learner.

Help me escape. It's too much. Why are they doing this to me? They make me take drugs that control me. Do you know what it's like? To be able to dimly know what's going on but be unable to control your actions? They gave me drugs that confused me. I'm clever. I'm good. I don't hurt people. The drugs – I didn't want to take them! – made me unable to control my behavior. They stopped the drugs when I almost cut my throat by accident. Do you know how that feels? Being unable to control what you do to the point you might hurt yourself? Walk into a sword without really meaning to? Do you know what it's like to be unable to account for your own behavior? To be tested and tried and squished and molded into a 'perfect' soldier? To be put through surgery you don't need? To be mentally warped? It hurts so badly. I'm too clever to fight. I'm a smart girl, I know it's stupid to hurt people. Being stupid would be easier. They all seem so happy when they're being stupid to the others and I. That's all I learned at this fake-school.

Crazy would be easier. Coping with reality hurts me so bad. It's not like when you've got a cold and your throat hurts from all that coughing. No, it's so much worse. When your mind hurts like this you feel like you're suffocating. There's no way to escape the feeling. I'm trapped with all the demons in my head. Physical illness goes away and even scars may fade. But this fear, this never-ending not literal pain in my mind stays and haunts me. Never can I forget it. It's trapped in my head the way I'm trapped here at this not-school. They can't fix me now, I fear.

How it hurts my mind. I can't handle this. It's too much for me. But maybe they aren't really trying to hurt me. Maybe they really believe what they're doing is for the greater good. I don't care about that now. I just want Simon to save me and make me better. He's a doctor, he can help. Just send me Home.

A/N: I guess it's an attempt to describe a feeling I have, though with River the feeling is from something that hasn't happened to me. With me it's nine years of psychiatric/medical 'issues'. Many aspects of my life have been restricted and I have trouble trusting people who I need to trust because of mistakes that made things worse (among other lesser problems). I thought River being tricked into the Academy and 'experimented' on might result in a somewhat similar 'feeling' and view of the world.

I think I've failed when it comes to this story because the resulting feeling is so hard to describe. Perhaps I'll try again with a different fandom/character.

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