a/n: Late Valentine's day fic. Pure crack on speed on pot on meth. Collab with Mikuzu and speckofdust. ranDomtoasTer came in but had no part in it. Reviews are appreciated or Xanxus will get Squalo to smell you!
Warning: pure stupidity, crack, mild themes, language, and smelling. Read on?
"Oh my! You really shouldn't have!" Lussuria exclaimed gleefully, snatching his unopened gift from his boss's hands. Iridescent lavender gift wrap encased the object, which Squalo had slaved wrapping over for days.
However, despite the long-haired man's toiling, the paper came off in less than .2 seconds as the flippy-haired homo all but shredded the wrapping.
The greedy smile on the Sun Guardian's face faded as he saw the gift he had received from his "giving" boss: a five dollar Wal-Mart gift card.
"Yeah, you really shouldn't have," Bel muttered, folding his arms across his chest. "El Cheapo."
"Shut up, trash! You're getting the same thing!" Xanxus snarled, brandishing his pimp cane at the younger. "And you're sharing with Fran!"
Fran, who had been ignoring the whole situation, finally looked up following the mention of his name. His aquamarine eyes flashed from Lussuria's sunken face to the inexpensive gift card, and then to his pissy sempai's livid expression.
With this, he made for the doorway.
"Oh, no you don't!" Squalo yodeled, grabbing the frog-hatted boy by his collar. "I wrapped this shit, and you're going to open it!"
Fran frowned. "This whole day sucks."
"Voi! Come back!"
The angsting youth continued his trek towards his room, where his gifts for his co-workers waited in fervor; he retrieved them and brought them back to the accursed living room, where Squalo was steaming at Xanxus over his chocolate-covered diamond.
"And just what does this say about our relationship?" the silver-haired man screeched, devil horns and a tail sprouting from his being.
"That you're my bitch," was the less-than thoughtful answer. "Now get over here and sit on my lap."
"Before anyone sits, may I present to you my gifts," Fran announced, not really asking a question.
Squalo angrily flashed his luxurious alpine Swiss jewelry in the general direction of Bel, who was not blinded by the glare due to his overgrown weave.
"Pathetic, useless, fat trash!" Xanxus bellowed, speaking to Leviathan. "Bring me some booze!"
"Uh, boss…you drank all the-"
"I gave you a Wal-Mart gift card, didn't I??"
And with this, poor Levi sauntered into his corner, where he would remain for the next week, for Xanxus was forgetting: he didn't get him a gift card.
"My first gift is for Bel-sempai," Fran began, reaching into his pocket. "I thought it would suit you."
If you could see Bel's eyes, you would have seen that they widened tenfold at the present that emerged from the younger's trench coat.
Glistening in his hand was a spray-paint pink tiara with Bel's name written on it in cellphone rhinestones.
"Where did you get this, a vending machine?" the blonde snarled, taking a step back. "Get this offending piece of crap away from my princeliness!"
"You bastard!" Fran wailed, throwing the gift down. "I made it myself! I melted down Barbies to do this!"
"There, there, Franny," Lussuria cooed, taking the tiara and situating it on his own fauxhawk. "He's just sour because they were his Barbies."
And with this, a cruel glare was given to the prince, with a mouthing of the words, "He's mine now."
Fran recovered quickly and pushed the creepy gay away, grabbing his next gift.
"Squalo, Boss…this is for you to share," he said boredly, snapping his fingers. "I hope you will have many fond memories with this."
Xanxus froze as a frilly maid dress was exposed from behind the younger's back.
Squalo's horse face bulged in anger.
Bel had nothing to say. Lussuria looked secretly pleased. Fran's expression remained complacent.
"Right on, man. Go put it on, candy ring bitch," Xanxus ordered, slamming his upgraded pimp staff on the floor. The vase next to him fell over.
His eye twitched as he looked once again to Leviathan.
"Ugly, lazy, fat trash that owes me money! Go clean it up!" the feather-weaved man barked, pointing an accusing finger. "And go get me some prescription drugs!"
"But, uh, boss…you broke the broom," Levi replied, standing up.
"I gave you a Wal-Mart gift card, didn't I? DIDN'T I?"
"No! No, you didn't!"
"Then pick it with your hair, bitch!"
Levi was unappreciated and decided to leave after grabbing Squalo's hair and dragging him out as well.
"Bitch done stole my bitch!" Xanxus yelped. "It's bitch on bitch now, bitch!"
Although he said this, nobody moved. Yelling and slapping was heard outside, and then a resounding crash from the kitchen filled the house. Squalo came in, glass adorning his mane.
"I knew that dog would come back," the Varia leader growled, brandishing his pimp staff once again. "I've got him scent trained, y'see? He knows who his papa is!"
"God, you're so drunk," Bel whispered, rolling his hidden eyes.
"You're so dumb," Squalo agreed, sitting back on his master's lap.
"Smell me, bitch! If you get taken again, I want you thoroughly scent trained!"
"Hey. Xanxus!" Squalo began, ignoring the previous comment. "I slapped Levi so hard the ugly came offa him but then it came and smacked him right back!"
Fran came back. With a whip.
"This is for you," Fran began, handing the leather accouterment to Lussuria. "This too."
A pillow featuring Ryohei came from behind Fran again; Squalo wondered vaguely if he was literally pulling things out of his ass.
"Oh, how'd you know to get me a dakimakura!" the homosexual exclaimed, hugging the cushion tightly. "You are the sweetest little thing!"
"Smell it," was Xanxus's stupid reply. "And you! Trash! Trash with the hair! Go change into your kohai's present!"
Squalo's horse face bulged once more. Then, he faltered.
"I…I can't," he began, his equestrian features looking down.
"Why the hell not?" was the angry response.
"I…gained ten pounds."
"That's just your hair, trash! If you'd cut it, it'd be easier to smell me!"
And so, the day went on, and Squalo and Xanxus received a trip to Hawaii for two, taking Leviathan along in a suitcase to be their maid.
Bel and Fran eloped and Lussuria was the flower girl, his Ryohei dakimakura being the best man. A fedora adorned the pillow.
Remember, kids: Valentine's Day is not just about chocolate. It's about chocolate-covered diamonds. It's about dysfunctional groups of people coming together as one.