Disclaimer: I own the characters and this story… they're mine, so don't touch lol.
Authoress Notes: This is an original story… well as original as one can get it to be anyway, if that made any sense at all.
Title: Even if it hurts
Rated: PG (Death)
Pairing: Toshi/Kito
Summary: A broken love… A broken heart… She couldn't live a life knowing he might love another who wasn't her. But she will always love him... even if it hurts.
The night had arrived upon the sleepless town of "Kroven" as the clouds dispersed and the moon emerged from behind, resembling an untarnished crystal placed within an endless pool of darkness. While the wind howled through the thrashing trees along with nature's dark creatures awake and hunting their prey.
There, on top of an apartment building, away from the noise of the city life below. A lone figure remained motionless under the faint light of the pale moon. At a closer look on this solitary form, is a shape of a young woman. Beneath the dim glow revealed long, silky black hair and soft, golden skin. Together with a visage that showed youthful beauty of a somewhat slim body, plump cherry lips, shapely tweaked eyebrows, a slightly small nose with soulful brown eyes that gazed up into the night skies.
Thundering clouds materialized in the blue and raindrops began to fall gently on her as she waited for him in the bitter rain; she stood there with a sad smile upon her face. She wondered where it all went wrong. The love that she had shown through her actions, didn't keep him here with her long. The warmth that she had given did nothing to melt the coldness in his heart or his icy exterior. The memories that they created became a physical wound that left her scarred from unrequited love.
"I had fallen for a man who said he would catch me if I should fall" she whispered to herself as she slowly took a step forward.
Tears began to gradually form in her eyes, bit by bit those teardrops descended, until she could no longer tell if she was crying or if it was simply the rain falling onto her. Her body shivered and her hands shook from a freezing gust of air, which made her close her eyes.
In the back of her mind, she thought to herself, why didn't he confront her? If there was a problem in their relationship, why couldn't he talk to her? Did she not try hard enough to make him see that she cared about him? Did he think of her as someone not worth his time? Could it be that from the very beginning this was all a mistake?
"I tried to do my best for him, for us… but it seemed my efforts were meaningless, everything I've done for him meant nothing" she said in a soft voice and reopened her sorrowful eyes. And so she took another small step towards her final destination. Then she heard the sound of a door open and closed, nearby she listened to the thud of footsteps behind her.
"I didn't think you would come…" she murmured quietly to the person that was located a meter away from her.
An outline of a tall masculine figure came into view with spiked, midnight hair and fair skin. His outward looks were of a handsome man in his early twenties, strong build and fit. He stood there under the moonlight; his clothes wet from the rain now clung to his body like second skin. Aloof and detached from the outside world, eyes of gleaming sapphire fixated upon her back.
"Kitori…" he spoke in a smooth baritone voice that made her heart ache and body tremble. Even after all the pain he put her through; his voice still had that certain affect on her.
"Toshiro…" the name she once uttered with affection and great fondness, now caused her absolute agony and unhappiness. If only she could turn back time, erase her memories and warn her past self not to fall in love with a mysterious male, which would later break her apart. Unfortunately the world doesn't work that way, it would be too simple, easy if it did.
Trapped between wanting to escape her problems, to forget him and live in ignorance or to exist with the present knowledge that she can never have him, that he wouldn't ever love her completely destroys any hope she had. If someone were to ask her "In your own words, what is life?" there's only three words that perfectly fit the description "A sadistic bitch."
"Do you remember? It was on a rainy night like this, on the rooftops, I made a confession. Not knowing you were there, hidden in the shadows, listening to me…" the words unhurriedly fell from her lips.
"Letting out the feelings of frustration, desire and the possibility that you might love me…" vividly she could recall that cherished moment.
"Then you appeared before me, grasped me in your arms, and told me… you felt the same way too" The rain began to fall harder, and so did her tears. Soon she turned around to face him, in silence he stared back at her.
"When you leant your head downwards to kiss me… For a split second, I felt a wave of bliss and tranquility, I felt loved by you." Suddenly she chuckled darkly at the thought, thinking to herself what a fool she had been and still is.
"I know you don't care… if you did, maybe you wouldn't have cheated on me. Maybe you would've been truthful instead of lying to me. But we can't change what's already been done."
Tonight she will let him know what happens to a broken soul and he will see and hopefully learn from this experience. In her head she prays that father in heaven would forgive her for what she must do, because of her weakness she just can't live without him. If Toshiro loves that other woman, then so be it, she will let go of her anger and let him have what he wants… a life without her.
His blood ran cold at the thought that she knew. She knew and all he could do was stand there quietly. He knew he should've stopped, should've told her but now it's too late. What he did was unforgiveable, he felt like an idiot for not being honest with Kitori.
"I've known about you and her… for quite some time. I had imagined that if I gave you some space, you would speak to me, and say you would stop seeing that other girl… but you didn't" a whimper left her quivering lips.
Toshiro felt an urge to run to her and wrap his arms tightly around her short frame. He wanted to tell her that he valued their relationship as well as her precious love for him. But he knew that apologizing wasn't enough to convey how truly sorry he felt, for harming someone he treasured above all else.
"Kitori… I never meant to upset you. I know you won't trust me… but please believe me when I say I do love you… I'm so sorry I hurt you" he moved towards her, regret clearly seen in his features.
Her will almost crumbled before her, but no… she had to do this. It was too late to turn back now… although she was not a believer of destiny it would seem fate had planned this, so what could she do? No longer did she have the strength to fight and stand back up again, because she knew deep down inside of her, she still loved Toshiro. And so she was destined to live until she reached this tragic end.
"You don't love me… you never did, so just stop lying! You've already hurt me enough… So please… don't come any closer. Stay where you are… please" desperately she pleaded with hands in front of her, waving franticly to keep him away.
"I'm not lying to you Kitori I really do love you… I've always cared about you, but I just didn't know how to express myself properly" he replied and without pausing, continued to take another step forward.
Kitori became more troubled by his words and actions, as he took a step forward she would take one step backwards from him.
"So what if you're not lying to me, it doesn't matter now does it? If you had truly cared…loved me, you wouldn't have done what you did! It doesn't change the fact that you lied and cheated on me! That I saw it with my own eyes damn it!!" She screamed with great fury, eyes glaring angrily at him.
"Kitori I-"he was instantly cut off before he could say more
"Don't…Don't say another word cause I'm not finished yet…" She stared hard at him then turned away facing her back towards him.
"I gave you myself, not expecting much in return other than your trust, loyalty and love. But it seems they were too difficult for you to give or understand." Her voice cracked from the overwhelming emotions felt inside of her.
"I…I can't take it anymore shiro…" as she whispered his nickname gently, the anger she once felt slowly drifted away. Her shoulders sagged from the pain that still resides in her soul, knowing that things couldn't go back to what they were before.
"I'm tired of living… It hurts too much to live anymore…" she uttered quietly to herself and twisted around to look at him with a heartbreaking smile.
"I'm sorry that I'm not good enough… I'm sorry that I'm so weak…" a sense of calmness washed over her as she gazed sadly at him.
Toshiro instantly felt his instincts go haywire when those words left her lips. He didn't know why she was apologizing or why her smile made him feel like something bad is about to happen. Before he could say another word to Kitori, he saw her take a step closer to the ledge and a wave of panic overflowed his being.
"Kitori you're too close to the edge! You might fall especially in this kind of weather! Move away… Please…" He watched with fearful eyes and begged her to listen.
"I know… but I won't move away…" She lifted her arms and closed her eyes, her feet now placed on the edge of the building.
Never before had she felt so much emotional pain from this life, but now she would find freedom even if it's the wrong way to solve their current dilemma. She couldn't forgive him nor could she forget it happened, even if she tried hard enough it just wouldn't work.
"Kitori…please… we can make this work, I promise it won't happen again! I won't make the same mistake twice… baby please…" he pleaded desperately, hoping she would understand he meant every word he said.
A part of her wanted to believe his words, to be naïve and have him hold her like he use to… but the other half would not forgive so easily, wouldn't discard the feeling of betrayal so lightly. As they continued to stare at each other she spoke to him in a loving voice with an undertone of melancholy.
"I wish I could believe you shiro… but I can't… I'm not strong-willed or as confident as you" she had always been a little insecure and uncomfortable going on dates, didn't want to embarrass herself or him when they were in public. She never thought she was good enough for him, he needed someone who was beautiful, intelligent, self-assured, kind and positive… the very opposite of what she is.
"I am a selfish and resentful person shiro. I don't share my love, my heart with just anyone… I don't forgive and forget." He shivered at her honest response and knew very well what she meant. He would not get a second chance to make things right, he had broken her spirit… and would live to regret it.
"But in spite of all the anguish and tribulations… there is one thing I can't hide from you…" the distressing wind and bitter rain had eased slightly and looming clouds separated for the moonlight to shine upon the two lovers. She leisurely strode towards him, placed her trembling arms around his neck and stood on the tip of her toes to peer closely into his eyes.
It was instinctual and natural to encircle his arms around her waist, to pull her body intimately against his own. For a minute everything was back to normal, nothing had change… she was still his as he was still hers. The lies, secrecies and distrust were irrelevant in that single moment, their world was the right way up and he felt the familiar warmth and love he could only feel whenever she was near him. As he gazed down into her tearful eyes and quivering lips, he could not stop the possessive desire in him when she murmured those sweet words.
"I can't hide my love for you…"
He kissed her with all the passion and sorrow he could muster in himself, to show her he did care, he did appreciate her but most of all… he did and still does love her so much, much more than the other woman, more than their friends, more than anyone else on this planet.
Kitori couldn't stop the tears from flowing, couldn't stop kissing the man she hated to love, couldn't and wouldn't stop loving him, even though it was killing her. What seemed like hours were only a few minutes, they broke apart for air but only for a fraction for their lips did not stray too far from one another.
"I love you Kitten… always have and always will kitori…" he whispered lovingly, as he gently stroked her damp hair. All she could do was smile a tragically beautiful smile, befitting for a fallen angel such as her.
"So do I shiro… I will always love you… even when I'm gone"
Toshiro sent a confused stare her way but she kept her lips sealed and tenderly unwrapped his protective arms from her waist. Although she wanted to stay awhile longer in his embrace, to hold him forever, to forgive him… the darkness in her will not vanish until she did what she came here to do.
She backed away from him, eyes locked onto his to convey the feelings she can't get rid of. Now she stands on the edge of the rooftops, watching him stand in stillness. Toshiro didn't know what was happening but he felt he should say something if only to chase away the cheerless aura surrounding her and keep her far from the ledge.
"Kit…what did you mean by, even when I'm gone? I don't understand."
He tried to read her expressions, to figure out what she meant by that statement. He thought there would be a small probability that they could start over again. Although something in him was telling him she's leaving, that this was her saying good-bye… but he refused to believe that, it just wasn't right. He hoped his gut-feeling was wrong about this, he can't lose her now.
"I'm sorry… I hope… I hope one day that you, our friends and family would forgive me. Be happy with her… be happy without me…"
It was time to end their suffering; their past would be nothing more than a tainted memory on both of their minds. She cried for their shattered relationship, for her weakness, for her imperfections, selfishness and insecurities. She cried for the last time.
Again he ended up confused; he didn't know why she was apologizing when it was him who should be asking, begging for forgiveness. The anxiety and fear inside him intensified when he heard her say 'be happy without me…' and the defeated stare she gave him. He wanted to question her but his lips wouldn't move, wouldn't make a sound.
She closed her eyes, took her last breath and whispered
"…goodbye…shiro…"
She leaned back and let gravity take control; to be free from this life and live in eternal damnation is what she deserved. She will die with the thoughts of never seeing him again, never loving him again. This was her decision and she will welcome deaths hold on her.
She caught a glimpse of his grief-stricken face and hands reaching out to grap her, but he was too late.
Too late to save a fallen angel, a damaged soul; it would only end up in heartaches and pain. But in death… she will always love him…even if it hurts.