A/N: Written in two days, its probably really sloppy... Written second person, so I hope it doesn't confuse anyone... Also, I didn't edit it. So, erm, any typos would be nice to point out to me, thanks? Set after RD. Title is a line in 'Mysterious Ways' by U2. Its a decent song, but really has nothing to do with the story.
They said he had post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD as you constantly told him. He wouldn't listen of course. He was fine, his country was fine, the goddess was beaten, and Tellius was safe. But he wasn't fine, and you refused to hear that 'there is nothing you can do' crap that you got every time you went to see a doctor. Oscar ended up threatening to tie you to your bed, or lock you in your room, if you didn't stop. He was worried too, he said, but he wasn't as worried as you are. No, you're frantic. You can't bear to see him like this.
Mist has turned to Boyd for comfort, often seen crying in his arms or leaning on him (both literally and figuratively) for comfort and strength. Its only a matter of time, you decide, before they get married. Ike shows a happy face for them, but inside you know he's in pain. He hasn't told anyone, the exception you, about his dreams.
He wakes up panting, sweating, screaming. Others can hear the screaming, but they all know you'll be there to comfort him. Even though he's practically a giant compared to you, you still can hold him in your weak arms and tell him its alright, its alright, every things alright. You're maybe the only person allowed to run your hands through his hair, brushing past the thick and heavy locks as Ike starts to cry, and he just breaks down. Nighttime is his only time to show what has happened to him, and he knows it. You know it too.
He cries about the people he's lost (when was the last time he sparred with Mia?) and the friends who have stared up at the sky with unseeing eyes (the howling of a cat as she dies will haunt everyone forever). He cries about the people he has killed (the blood on his hands; just how much of it is there?) and the children who have lost their families because of him. And, even though you don't want to (you have to stay strong for him), sometimes you let one or two tears escape. But you don't cry for anything he cries for, you cry because he's lost, shattered. He's nothing like the person you met, so many years ago. Instead of him holding you as you cry, you hold him as he cries. Its wrong, so wrong, wrong on so many levels.
The girls don't leave him alone of course. They seemingly stalk him, following every move he makes and ogling him when he bathes (now they have to put Shinon, or Oscar, or Boyd as guards; you can only do so much with elwind). They are a fly buzzing in your ear that refuses to leave. You can only swat at them so many times before Ike finally sighs and allows them to grab at him, sit with him, admire him. And you don't deny him the ability to chose, even though you'd rather send them all into the deepest pit of Hell you can find.
Elincia doesn't stop by much, she's a queen and she has business other places. And, while it's unfair of you to blame everything on her, you do anyone. Who got Ike involved in the Mad King's War? And it was that cursed war that got him involved in the second war, the one people are starting to call the Goddess's War. You call it that bloody war, that damn war, and other obscenities that you use, and that you get chided for using.
Ranulf stops by the base every time he's sent through Crimea. Without fail he's there to laugh and screw around and for a few moments he can make Ike smile (for real, not the painfully fake thing he normally uses), and that's alright. You just wish you could make Ike smile like that, and you always feel a stab of envy. Who comforts Ike when he wakes up, screaming about deaths and blood and war? Who has always put him before themselves? So you tolerate Ranulf, but he never stays very long. Maybe that's why you let him stay for a day or two.
Reyson (and Tibarn, and Skimir) have all offered to let Ike stay in Serenes Forest, Phoenicis, and Gallia respectively. You kindly turn all the offers down (or, you don't elwind the papers into oblivion) because you refuse to let Ike travel out of Crimea. It could worsen his condition, and you know there is nothing Reyson can do for the kinds of wounds Ike has. Tibarn wouldn't understand. He's fought all of his hundred-some years and that's part of his life. Skimir would drag up painful memories, and if Ike sees Lyre then he'll remember Lethe, and then he'll remember her dead body, staring up at the sky, eyes glazed over. You refuse to let Ike experience those memories again, even those his dreams bring them back anyway.
You can tell that Ike's condition is wearing down the others. Mist turns to Boyd, day after day, and they might as well share a room together because Mist needs a pillar of support that no one else can really give her right then. Oscar hides his feelings behind an ever present smile. But whenever he asks you about Ike his smile droops and you see the creases on his face, and sometimes he opens his eyes a little and you can see what must be green eyes tinted with red. Tinted with red because, as everyone pretty much knows, Shinon keeps finding the bottom of several bottles and the stupid drunk tries to push everyone away even though they can't let another member of their group fall down like the dominoes they all feel like.
Rhys is constantly by Titania's side. With tea, a heal staff, a recover, and sometimes a sleep staff. Because you take care of Ike you have less time for everything else. The paladin picks up the slack (with Boyd and Mist's help, because work is the best thing to do to forget) and has lost more sleep then anyone else, maybe. She watched Greil fall into madness after Elena's death, and now she's watching Ike fall into that same madness. You estimate at least a year until the two got officially together, possibly less if Ike's condition worsens.
Rolf tries to help Gatrie in keeping Shinon stable. The young sniper seems like before the last two wars, but you know better and you can tell that his eyes have seen far too much for his young age. You can't help but wonder if keeping him out of battle would have been a better idea then letting him fight. Gatrie is doing surprisingly well, considering Shinon drinks himself into oblivion every night, unless someone stops him. The blond picks up any slack left by Shinon and practically begs you not to kick the red-haired sniper out of the group. You keep Shinon around, if just to keep Rolf and Gatrie happy. You doubt they would leave with him, but you never know.
You wish you knew what Mia would be doing, with Ike's slow decent into madness. But she's not around anymore, and even though no one mentions it (her empty room, the swords no one really uses, the seat that hasn't been touched for nearly a year), you remember it and you have to remind Ike about it every time he just forgets. Its not that unusual anymore, sadly. He asks about her so freaking much you can't help but wish you had a real answer, not the 'she's not with us' crap line you give him every dang time.
Eventually, as you knew it would, the anniversaries of every death come and pass. Nothing happens, thank the goddess (no, not her, someone else, anyone else), and the date of the end of the war appears around the corner, and then you're in Crimean Castle with a bunch of stuffy nobles and laguz and old war allies. Stefan is looking for you, or so says Micaiah, whom you've never really trusted but have to in this case.
It isn't very hard to find the green-haired trueblade, he's outside sitting on a stone bench while the nobles give him dirty looks and his old allies give him a nod or two when they notice him. He motions for you to sit next to him, and you do so, albeit hesitantly. He starts off hesitantly, asking you how you've been and how things are. You think he has to know about Ike's condition, and you start to get mad at him when he asks how Ike is. But he quickly apologizes, and swears on the sun, the moon, and the stars that he didn't know. You force yourself to calm down; getting angry won't help anyone, including Ike, and you listen to Stefan as he continues to speak.
He talks about his colony in the desert, where its growing and how everyone is getting along well and there are a few families popping up as well. And finally he gets to his point, how he needs someone who can really plan things out and he begs you, begs you, to come to the desert for maybe a month and help him out a little.
You tell him that the idea is absolutely ridiculous, but then the sound of someone coming down the path reaches your ears and you realize that its Rhys and Titania, coming down on a romantic walk together. Apparently Rhys has better hearing then you though, because he tells you that you should go with Stefan. Titania is quickly filled in and you are told that Ike would be in good hands and that the others can keep him safe. Certainly Oscar is caring enough to be with Ike at nights, but you are still hesitant to leave Ike in another person's hands.
Stefan shrugs when you say you will have to think about it, obviously he wasn't expecting much but he does need your help. You stand up and coldly say you have something to do, which is a total and utter lie. You leave the grounds and find your way into the main hall, where a tired looking Ike is standing next to Elincia and talking to some stuffy noble who you instantly dislike for her low-cut dress and the way she keeps winking at Ike.
Elincia looks mildly surprised at the way you shove past the noble to stand next to Ike, the noble looks downright furious, but Ike looks relieved and you don't care about what anyone else thinks as long as Ike cares for you. Ike politely says he needs to get some sleep, and that's your cue to follow him and help him get ready, make sure he goes to sleep and doesn't try anything dangerous (suicide isn't uncommon for PTSD, the doctors say).
So you lead him into a room deep in the castle, where Elincia promises no one (in their right mind) will disturb the two of them, and you help Ike dress out of his main clothes and get down into something he can sleep in. He let's his mask drop and you see his tired eyes, the signs of wrinkles that someone his age shouldn't have, and the general wear-and-tear that a man like him has received over the ages. You gently help him lie on the bed and you can't help but feel like a mother hen, as you pull the covers over him gently and sit next to him in a chair already there.
Ike asks you what you did during the part and you don't say anything, so he knows something is up. He pretty much forces you to tell him, but its just a look in his eyes and its more like begging then anything. You swallow back what tastes and feels like bile, and explain to him about Stefan's offer. Ike is quiet through the entire story, and a small moment of silence stretches for several moments once you're finished. Ike then opens his mouth and tells you to listen to Stefan, Titania, and Rhys, and just go into the desert already. He tries to tell you that he's alright, but its painfully obvious that isn't true. Ike winces as he speaks, and you frown.
You ask what is wrong and he just says that his back hurts, and you remember the job where he was hit in the back (dang you Gatrie, for running off when I told you to watch over Ike) and frown. You don't have a heal staff but you make Ike sit up and turn his back towards you, and you slowly start to massage the bumps and bruises and knots out of it. He relaxes, albeit slowly, as your hands move. You learned basic healing techniques without a heal staff from Rhys, and you're glad. There would be no point in watching over Ike if you were useless without a staff.
The night goes on and the party slowly bends off, the distance sounds fading away into oblivion. The moon rises into the sky until it shines so brightly that, as it peers through the curtains, the room is bright enough to make out Ike's sleeping figure. You aren't asleep; what kind of friend would do that when their friend needed them to be awake? And you've been looking out the window for several hours. While nothing has really changed about your physical condition (you need little sleep now, and catch up when everyone else is awake) your mind has been a whirlwind of activity.
You heard something in the room and you look towards Ike and see him muttering something that you can't understand, shifting in his sleep every single moment and you know that he'll wake up soon, so you shift your own position to get ready. Your mind has been honed to a sharp edge and you were right; Ike wakes up only five seconds (five painful seconds that feel like five years, five lifetimes, five thousand years) later. He wakes up panting and sweating, and goddess-dang screaming again. He sits up rapidly, and while his scream disappears seconds later you can't help but wince, hoping no one heard (impossible of course, but hopefully no one will come) and you know you have a pained look in your eyes as Ike looks at you, looking like he was just tortured.
And without words (you've gone through this so many times you could do it blind) you move from your seat and sit on the side of the bed (Ike takes up a lot of room, but you take up little) and open your arms. And Ike doesn't even hesitate, he grabs onto you and lets the tears flow, let his painful whimpers die out as your shirt goes from dry to wet in a matter of moments. You don't care at all, you just wish you could help him but you can't do anything (the doctors said that PTSD can only be healed with time) and you know it. You hate feeling weak, hate feeling so useless.
But all you can say is that its alright, its alright, everything is alright. You don't even know if Ike hears you. Even though he's taller, bulkier, and overall larger then you, he can still hold onto your shirt and you run a hand through his hair. Even as you speak you breathe in and you smell Ike; his scent different then during the day. During the day he smells like sweat, mud, blood (on occasion it's well-cooked meat or spices instead), confidence, and strength. A pillar that refuses to move, even when commanded by a goddess.
But now he smells like pain, sweat (but more like fear), wishes that will never be fulfilled, and you hate it. You wish that so much hadn't happened, but it had happened and there really isn't anything you can do about it. You can only stay with Ike every night, combing through his hair (soft like silk, but so messy it looks styled) with your fingers, and muttering to him. Its alright, its alright; you just repeat those words and wish with all your heart (even though wishing is completely illogical and you wouldn't be caught dead wishing on a shooting star) that your words were true.
You ask Ike what his dream was about, but he just shakes his head and the tears seem to come faster, quicker, and you can see it's best to drop the topic. You nod and stop weaving your hands through his hair, and you just rest your nose in his locks as Ike holds onto you, and you wish that there was a shooting star outside the window right then. You could use a little wish.
Two painfully long days and an equal number of pain-filled nights, and you're about to mount a horse and head into Begnion, and the desert that Stefan has invited to you. He'll be your guide, he says, and you can't help but trust him. Stefan knows the road better then you, so how could you not? Titania and Oscar have promised to keep Ike safe and out of trouble, and you squash a feeling of envy when you think of anyone else comforting Ike when he awakes from his nightmares.
Titania and Oscar are the best people for the job, Stefan tells you as you take off onto the road. You force yourself not to look back; Ike is asleep (you decided to leave at dawn) and won't wake until you are long gone. Maybe that's for the best, you would hate to have to say goodbye to him because it would seem too permanent, too much like goodbye forever. Forever isn't a month, you tell yourself. You'll be gone a month at most, and you swear that anyone who tries to stop you will be on the receiving end of rexcailaber (you only use that spell on special enemies, and anyone who gets between you and Ike are special enemies). That includes Stefan.
How long can a month be?
It ends up that a month can be too long, far too long for you at least. You're a mess by the time you ride into the mercenary camp in the middle of the day, and you see Mist out of the corner of your eye. She calls out and you know that she would be loud enough for everyone to know you're back, and suddenly a figure breaks from the trees and you realize its Ike and you realize he's never looked better, since the war.
His muscles are stronger, more healthy-looking. He has a real smile on his face as he runs up to you, swinging a steel ax around, and you can't help but smile back (no matter how small your smile is doesn't matter, you know he'll see) and you even risk a wave. Ike laughs as you get off the horse and he asks you how you were, and you say you're fine and ask how he is. Ike is fine, and he's telling the truth this time too. You can't help but be stunned by the way his condition has healed so quickly, and you wonder if it was because you left. You shake that thought out of your head as Titania, Mist, and Oscar appear.
They ask the same questions and you repeat your answers, not taking your eyes off Ike the entire time. Somehow you have moved closer to him, even though you don't recall your feet moving at all since you led your horse over to the small group. Finally the questions cease and you're left with Ike and you can't help but smile at him and he smiles back. He looks tired, but a healthy tired now. Not the exhaustion that threatened to take him down every other minute.
You ask him what he's done to get better and his smile falters. Your smile has disappeared already, and you nearly dread the answer, but you can't help but hear it. He shrugs and looks away from you. You ask him if he thinks you leaving helped him and he doesn't answer, but he can't meet your eyes and you feel a rush of pain, but push it away and kick it out of your head. Ike goes before you, you've always said, and if you leaving helped him... Then you have to leave.
As if guessing your thoughts Ike looks at you and grabs onto your suddenly, your shoulders in a tight grip as he kneels so he's at eye-height with you. He tells you stubbornly that you aren't going to leave unless you want to and that he doesn't think that a life without you would really be worth it, because what would he be without you? You nearly answer that question before you realize it was proverbial, and you snap your mouth shut as he continues to speak. What would be winter without snow, rain without thunder, love without pain? He asks, and you can't say anything, just shake your head numbly. You can see the logic about you leaving, and if that's what it will take to improve Ike's condition then its alright, its alright.
After all, life without Ike is one thing, but what would life be like with him dead?
That night is like any other night except Ike wakes up panting instead of screaming and you were dozing off in your seat. Luckily you have always been an extremely soft sleeper and you wake up within moments, sitting near Ike and looking at him with your worried eyes. You wonder if he will still need your comfort and he doesn't look like it, he just looks upset and like he just ran twenty miles without stop. You ask him what happened, and he looks at you like he just realized you were there. He smiles and mutters that it was just a dream, and he doesn't realize you have very good hearing. He tells you that it was nothing but you shake your head, asking him what happened again. He sighs, but he knows you, and he knows its pointless to argue. So he starts.
He was standing in Daein, the place you have seen as the root of all the evil that has happened to you and Ike. He heard a wyvern rider over-head, heard them roaring and heard the screams of something falling to their doom. He heard a cat howling one last time, and he ran towards it, even though he knew what would happen. When he got there, though, it wasn't Lethe. You swallow down bile and ask him, voice shaky as is your hands, who was. He gulps back what looks like tears when he replies, and he says that it was you, and you can't believe what you were hearing.
He says that he's been so worried that he'll go insane, that he'll hurt or kill someone because of his condition, or that he'll kill himself and you will follow him. And suddenly you realize why he's been having such bad dreams, and its because he's worried about you, goddess-dang it. He's been worried that he'll do something to harm his friend, so you leaving helped those fears leave his mind. He suddenly clutches your hand and begs you not to leave because you want to help him, begs you to stay and not go to Stefan. He was so worried about you too, but the dreams weren't as bad; he says he can deal with the dreams. He can deal with the dreams. You give him a small smile and tell him what you always say, nowadays.
Its alright, its alright. The goddess; she moves in mysterious ways.